Husbands wierd behavior

[lizzi]

Is it normal that a husband would have to watch Porn daily on the computer? My husband looks up and watches porn for about 1 hour per day while I am at work.

 

We never sleep together because he says the bed is too hot or I snore to loud. So on top of the porn, we sleep in different rooms.

 

We do have sex about 2 times per month but I just feel he is so distance from me. It sometimes feels more like a room mate arrangement and not a marriage.

 

Is this normal after 7 years of marriage?

[Linda9999]

I don't think that's normal. If you feel more like a room mate than a wife, it's time to do something about it. I was there a year ago, and I did nothing. My hubby chose to go elsewhere. We're in counseling now and one of our counselors pointed out that when a relationship goes sideways there are 4 choices available to you, as an individual:

- break up

- have an affair

- stay and be unhappy

- try to fix the relationship

 

What do you want to do?

[Feelin Frisky]

Who cares if it's "normal"? It's unsatisfactory to you. That's what's important. I used to have it the other way around. I wasn't married but living together and after she moved in the romance started to go south. She would go to be early and leave me all ready to rock n' roll. I'm talking a long time ago so there wasn't this computer porn thing to turn to but I did watch the soft core porn junk on cable and do myself. That was b/s.

 

The relationship ended and unfortunately I waisted a lot of good youth with that. Grab today and do w/e you have to to be happy--even if that means breaking up and trying it with someone new.

[just_some_guy]

On the snoring thing....

 

Any chance you have sleep apnea?

 

Are you very overweight?

 

If you have sleep apnea, that can be treated with CPAP and will eliminate the snoring problem, plus greatly improve the quality of your life. I begged and pleaded for years for my wife to look into getting treatment for sleep apnea before we split up.

 

On the weight issue, again, from personal experience, not only does it severely exacerbate the snoring issue and sleep apnea, it kills sexual desire and attractiveness.

 

At some point, if the sleeping together is intolerable and the sex unappealing or impossible, the guy might be coping as best he can, even though porn is unhealthy.

[audi5000]

There are alot of times my wife and I sleep in separate rooms initially at night. She likes to stay up late and I snore. So I usually sleep on the couch for a few hours, let her fall asleep then I crawl into bed. I think if you had more sex and found ways to keep the marriage exciting your marriage would feel more like a marriage. I am married for over 5 years and have 2 kids with my wife. We have sex a couple of times a week on average. Sometimes it's great and sometimes it's not, but we are still intimate.

[lizzi]

We still go out on occasion.( about 1 time a week) Maybe this is more one sided. I feel unatractive and that my H is not interested in me anymore because of all the porn. We are both in our late 40's. I am older than him. With the porn he only looks/searches for college girls or younger (18-20yr old) girls. I work long hours, but even when I get home, all he does is lay on the couch. No touching, sometimes a kiss, no intimacy at all! He says he loves me. Yesterday he spent 2 hours looking at porn and slept on the couch again. He sleeps all morning, wakes up and looks at porn for and hour, maybe does his part time job for a few hours, then comes home and looks at porn, then watches TV on the couch until I get home. Our sex life, when we do it, is all about him. He acts like "it is my job as a wife".

 

Is he addicted to porn because the marriage is failing.......or is the marriage failing because he is addicted to porn? There is no way I can compete with an 18year old.....why would I try. A defininte sexual confidence destroyer for a woman in her 40's.

 

I wanted to go to marriage counseling, but he wont go. He says he doesnt have a problem.

 

Maybe I am the problem.

[emmalee]

I'm sorry, but this scenario is my worse fear. I am only 19 but my partner looks at 16-20 yr olds and I am already so worried about getting old!

[xxoo]

I wanted to go to marriage counseling, but he wont go. He says he doesnt have a problem.

 

Maybe I am the problem.

 

You know that's not true, right?

 

You want sexual intimacy with your husband. He rejects you, but spends hours a week using porn. OBVIOUSLY he does not have a problem with libido.

 

He may or may not have some performance problems that are affecting his interest in sex with you (a real person, risk of failure). He may or may not have issues with regard to his attraction to you. But he is definitely choosing porn instead of his real-life sex partner.

 

He has a problem. He is very motivated to deny it, but he undoubtedly does.

 

But he's happy enough with his porn. So make your problem HIS problem. Give him an ultimatum--MC or you leave.

[lizzi]

It really plays with your mind when your husband is obsessed with porn. He married a woman in her 40's but apparently is turned on by these younger college age girls. I cannot compete with them. It makes me feel that I must not be young and attractive enough or that he is not satisfied with my tecniques or something.

 

Makes me not even want to initiate or have sex.

 

This whole porn thing and not sleeping with me/no intimacy has really affected my confidence.

 

Has anyone else gone through this and pulled themselves back up?

[MorningCoffee]

We still go out on occasion.( about 1 time a week) Maybe this is more one sided. I feel unatractive and that my H is not interested in me anymore because of all the porn. We are both in our late 40's. I am older than him. With the porn he only looks/searches for college girls or younger (18-20yr old) girls. I work long hours, but even when I get home, all he does is lay on the couch. No touching, sometimes a kiss, no intimacy at all! He says he loves me. Yesterday he spent 2 hours looking at porn and slept on the couch again. He sleeps all morning, wakes up and looks at porn for and hour, maybe does his part time job for a few hours, then comes home and looks at porn, then watches TV on the couch until I get home. Our sex life, when we do it, is all about him. He acts like "it is my job as a wife".

 

Is he addicted to porn because the marriage is failing.......or is the marriage failing because he is addicted to porn? There is no way I can compete with an 18year old.....why would I try. A defininte sexual confidence destroyer for a woman in her 40's.

 

I wanted to go to marriage counseling, but he wont go. He says he doesnt have a problem.

 

Maybe I am the problem.

 

I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that it's you. As a guy, it sounds to me like maybe he's feeling depressed, or is undergoing tough times with midlife (you know, yearning for younger, wilder days kind-of-thing, even if they never actually happened). Can you get him or both of you to a doctor? A counselor?

[lizzi]

He won't go to counceling. He says he is doing nothing wrong. I guess maybe he isn't but it does hurt my feelings and interest in sex.

 

Is it wrong for me to be upset about his porn use everyday and sometimes 2x per day when I am getting no sexual attention. the most I ever get is him wanting to be "serviced with a BJ". He says it is my wifely duty.

 

I am almost never satisfied sexually.

 

My whole self esteem has be shattered with his younger woman porn habits.

[IzzyB]

This made me really angry. He either has a porn addiction, is depressed, is emotionally immature and selfish, or most likely all of the above. It is not you. Your husband IS the problem and is trying to make you think its YOU so he wont have to do anything about it. Would you ever do this to him? I doubt it. Most healthy men in their forties may like looking at young women in porn, but they prefer a more mature woman who is comfortable with her sexuality, in real life.

 

Work on you, do what makes you feel good about yourself, take care of your health, workout and get yourself into individual counseling asap to help you get your self esteem back.

 

Tell him you wont take any more of this and he needs to get his azz to counseling. Since he likely wont go, you will have to come to a point where you accept this (which I dont recommend) or you tell him to leave. Dont allow anyone else to dictate how you feel about yourself. Get yourself strong and whether he changes or not, do the right thing for yourself.

[Floridaman]

He won't go to counceling. He says he is doing nothing wrong. I guess maybe he isn't but it does hurt my feelings and interest in sex.

 

Is it wrong for me to be upset about his porn use everyday and sometimes 2x per day when I am getting no sexual attention. the most I ever get is him wanting to be "serviced with a BJ". He says it is my wifely duty.

 

I am almost never satisfied sexually.

 

My whole self esteem has be shattered with his younger woman porn habits.

 

lizzi, I think an ultimatum is called for here.

He clearly loves his porn and his selfishness over you.

You're his wife, not some fantasy girls he views online.

 

You need to wake him up somehow. If he doesn't go to counseling, then it's.........

[SincereOnlineGuy]

We still go out on occasion.( about 1 time a week) Maybe this is more one sided. I feel unatractive and that my H is not interested in me anymore because of all the porn. We are both in our late 40's. I am older than him. With the porn he only looks/searches for college girls or younger (18-20yr old) girls. I work long hours, but even when I get home, all he does is lay on the couch. No touching, sometimes a kiss, no intimacy at all! He says he loves me. Yesterday he spent 2 hours looking at porn and slept on the couch again. He sleeps all morning, wakes up and looks at porn for and hour, maybe does his part time job for a few hours, then comes home and looks at porn, then watches TV on the couch until I get home. Our sex life, when we do it, is all about him. He acts like "it is my job as a wife".

 

Is he addicted to porn because the marriage is failing.......or is the marriage failing because he is addicted to porn? There is no way I can compete with an 18year old.....why would I try. A defininte sexual confidence destroyer for a woman in her 40's.

 

I wanted to go to marriage counseling, but he wont go. He says he doesnt have a problem.

 

Maybe I am the problem.

 

 

 

C'mon, FORGET the specifics about his looking at barely legal girls as a routine. That has nothing to do with you, and in no way should you expect or be expected to be anything like those young women depicted in porn.

 

(but you REALLY need to make the effort to 'forget' anything relating to the ages of those girls - do so for your own sake. When you've got a guy looking only at female-to-male transexual porn, THEN it's time to consider the specifics, but YOU are just wasting your life thinking you need to compete specifically with those sorority girl types)

 

A central problem seems to be the inequal contributions you're making to the relationship and its shared finances. Maybe your husband is just a lazy slob of a person and he has deteriorated considerably from one end of that diagnosis to the other, even worse end.

 

You HINT at small signs of his still having interest in the marriage... but perhaps on top of his unwillingness to contribute equally, he maybe a "pig" sexually (given all of the ways in which he wants you to 'service' him).

 

And yeah, you yourself may have, um, "evolved" backward during this time, some related only to yourself and a lot related to him, aaaaaaaaaaaand it may be true that if you extracated yourself from the relationship that you'd be able to breathe, emotionally, once again.

 

If you were inspired to REALLY make a bold effort to initiate "THE TALK" with him, and perhaps make it or break it on the whole marriage, you'd probably be better off NO MATTER THE OUTCOME.

 

There are enough HINTS that he doesn't mind spending time with you to suggest hope, but IF he won't change a great deal, for the better, then YOU need a better life ahead!!