Interfaith Marriages

[Peppermint11]

Hi! My boyfriend and I are discussing engagement & marriage. We have been dating for 3 years (currently in a LDR) and are now talking more serious about our relationship and future. There is really only one point of contention in our relationship and that is our faith differences. I'm Christian and he is Jewish-Agnostic. Our differences generally only arise around the holidays because I would enjoy him to come to a Christmas service with me and he refuses. I have participated in Jewish traditions with him and have no problem with that (he doesn't generally attend Jewish services) but I would go with him if he wanted me too. Any who, I was just wondering if anyone out there is this community has been in or is currently in a interfaith relationship/marriage and how you and our partner have worked through it. Thanks!

[Lauriebell82]

My husband and I have an interfaith marriage. I am Catholic and he is Bretheran. We got married in the Catholic church and have agreed to raise our future children Catholic. He comes to the Catholic church with me all the time. When we go to his parents for the holidays (Christmas and Easter) we will sometimes go to the Bretheran church with his parents.

We are both very open to participating in each other's religions.

 

I think your boyfriend is being unreasonable IMO. He doesn't have to do anything, he can just sit there and observe like my husband does. I say you make a deal with him, ask him to come to one service with you and if he doesn't like it then you can give him the option of not having to go again.

 

Have you asked him why he refuses?

[Peppermint11]

He always responds with "I'm not Christian, I don't see why I have to go" and "It would make me uncomfortable because I am not Christian." When I tell him that I would like him to be supportive in this one respect, he responds with the same circular argument. He really doesn't know much about Christianity or my church and I feel like he is being judgmental without knowing... I'm not trying to convert him in any sense (and we've talked about that multiple times in and of itself). I would like him to accompany me ESPECIALLY if we got married, to Christmas service... Easter, I'm not even that set on. I'm not sure what to do! As for kids, if we had them after marriage, they would be raised Christian, he has no problem with that or even participating passively in church activities outside of the church (like dinners, volunteering, ect) ... it's just getting him inside my church! Ha! I find it a little ridiculous! Thoughts?

[denise_xo]

I'm in an interfaith marriage. It's not an issue for us, we both go to whatever ritual of the other. I'm not actually religious but ocassionally participate in rituals for cultural reasons. My husband has always been very careful of protecting my (supposed) religious and cultural background, and that's reciprocal.

 

We got married according to his religion because it was more convenient and practical at the time. We don't want children so how to raise them isn't an issue.

[Lauriebell82]

He always responds with "I'm not Christian, I don't see why I have to go" and "It would make me uncomfortable because I am not Christian." When I tell him that I would like him to be supportive in this one respect, he responds with the same circular argument. He really doesn't know much about Christianity or my church and I feel like he is being judgmental without knowing... I'm not trying to convert him in any sense (and we've talked about that multiple times in and of itself). I would like him to accompany me ESPECIALLY if we got married, to Christmas service... Easter, I'm not even that set on. I'm not sure what to do! As for kids, if we had them after marriage, they would be raised Christian, he has no problem with that or even participating passively in church activities outside of the church (like dinners, volunteering, ect) ... it's just getting him inside my church! Ha! I find it a little ridiculous! Thoughts?

 

He is definately being unreasonable and judgemental. Relationships/marriage are about compromise and understanding, neither of which he is willing to be. You could tell him he doesn't have to do anything, he can just sit there and watch. My dad is Jewish and my mom is Catholic and since my sister and I were raised Catholic my dad would come to church with us, he saw us get our sacraments, everything. He didn't have a problem with it at all.

 

I would try my suggestion, ask him to come with you once, and if he really hates it then you won't bug him anymore or convince him to try to go.

[TaraMaiden]

Stop going to his activities.

if he won't go to yours, why go to his?

If he baulks and complains, tell him the agreement should be mutual, or there should be an agreement to leave things as they are. You in your 'camp' he in his.

 

And if you get as far as marriage (And I really would think about that V-E-R-Y carefully....) as for children, don't force them, obligate them or "Enrol" them in either your religion, or his, simply 'because'.

Let them make up their own minds when they're older. You two are different - why should they be coerced into either religion without having a say in what they want to do? You're pulled one way, he's pulled the other.

The children and their religious persuasion will merely cause more friction.

 

If either one of you cannot adopt a live and let live attitude, then I foresee problems.

[Peppermint11]

Thank you all for your responses!

 

@Denise- Do you mind me asking what faith backgrounds you and your husband are? I'm just curious and interested in what traditions you follow together.

 

@Lauriebell- Thank you for your words of encouragement and advice. I'm still figuring out what I want out of a potential marriage partner, and everything you said helped me put more things in perspective. I do feel like he is being a bit ridiculous, and I'm still trying to figure out how to talk with him about it further. He can get really sensitive about it when I even bring up the topic. Like I said earlier, it is the one thing that makes both of tick. I guess for me, what I really need to figure out is if this whole thing, if he continues to refuse to compromise in anyway, would be a deal breaker for me. I love him tremendously, but I also don't want to be in a lop-sided relationship or one where I feel I am overly comprising to make-up for his lack-there-of.

 

@Tara- Thanks for your input. I'm not one to say "my way or the highway" in regards to participating in activities and I know this will be an on-going discussion b/t him and I. As for the whole children piece, I would never "force" my kids into any faith .. I meant, simply exposing them to my beliefs b/c I would like to them to grow-up with a faith background... ultimately it would always be up to my children what they choose, not me or my SO. As for the 'live and let live' I generally agree with that philosophy and my SO doesn't know much about my faith community. I would want my future husband, any husband, to understand and get to know a community that I am actively involved in. I would do the same, I view it as a sign of respect. No means of conversion there .. just for the record, simple means of understanding and further growth of/with each other.

[quankanne]

catholic chica married to a back-sliding episcopalian redneck. When he first brought up the subject of marriage, he pretty much told me that he was fine with me raising any children catholic. No kids, so over the years we've come to a mutual agreement that we wouldn't bug each other about *having* to go to church functions, but that when important stuff arose (lately, funerals) he would accompany me to Mass because it was something we would do with a united front. You've got to pick your battles, and I think giving your spouse leeway can foster a more open attitude to going to church together when it's really important.

[Yer_Blues]

Thank you all for your responses!

 

 

 

@Tara- As for the whole children piece, I would never "force" my kids into any faith .. I meant, simply exposing them to my beliefs b/c I would like to them to grow-up with a faith background... ultimately it would always be up to my children what they choose, not me or my SO. As for the 'live and let live' I generally agree with that philosophy and my SO doesn't know much about my faith community. I would want my future husband, any husband, to understand and get to know a community that I am actively involved in. I would do the same, I view it as a sign of respect. No means of conversion there .. just for the record, simple means of understanding and further growth of/with each other.

I hope this isn't off topic, but I personally feel like raising children in a faith based background is not presenting them with much of a choice. You are setting them up to follow in your faith or be catastrophically devastated and have their world view turned upside-down when they are teenagers.

 

Hope I didn't misread the thread, but has your significant other been to a Catholic mass before? As a person who was raised Catholic and interacted with a lot of non-Catholic during my Catholic schooling, the mass is really intimidating because it is like a ritual bomb went off. There are things to say at certain times, different sections, different traditions. Without knowing much about it, it's a very confusing, intimidating experience without a whole lot of benefit. Maybe I'm young and too ignorant on these matters to speak here, but I don't imagine I would like the pressure to attend church again from a SO, regardless of what personal significance it holds to them. As long as there isn't a double standard from him, I would respect his wishes.

 

If it really IS that important to you though, I suppose it is something you have to resolve together. Reading these forums though, compromise is something I'm not looking forward to when it comes to things like this.

[quankanne]

Without knowing much about it, it's a very confusing, intimidating experience without a whole lot of benefit.

 

try going to a non-Catholic funeral for the first time in your life and it's a Baptist one ... OY VEY! That was really strange!

[aerogurl87]

I'm going to play devil's advocate here and I'm gonna say I agree with your boyfriend. I'm Christian and so is my boyfriend. If he was Catholic I wouldn't go to a service with him. Why? Because some of their beliefs go against what I believe in and I'm not Catholic. Your boyfriend's Jewish so of course going to a Catholic mass may make him feel uneasy if that's not what he believes in. Religion is a very touchy subject for most people, and when it comes to such a delicate matter, sometimes more is needed than compromise.

 

Also you didn't say he dragged you to come to any Jewish services with him, so he's probably thinking he doesn't need to go with you. You said you would gladly go with him IF he asked you to, which leads me to believe he hasn't actually asked you to attend these events. If that's the case then I doubt he will care if you do or do not go with him and you should feel the same way about him going to Catholic services with you. This is why interfaith marriages don't really work unless both parties are extremely open minded about religion and/or don't really attend services much.

[taiko]

There is really only one point of contention in our relationship and that is our faith differences. I'm Christian and he is Jewish-Agnostic. Our differences generally only arise around the holidays because I would enjoy him to come to a Christmas service with me and he refuses. I have participated in Jewish traditions with him and have no problem with that (he doesn't generally attend Jewish services) but I would go with him if he wanted me too.... Thanks!

 

Which Christian sect do you belong to. It sounds as if he is concerned everybody will be in his face trying to save him then dunk him in water should he attend a service.

[Lauriebell82]

Thank you all for your responses!

 

@Lauriebell- Thank you for your words of encouragement and advice. I'm still figuring out what I want out of a potential marriage partner, and everything you said helped me put more things in perspective. I do feel like he is being a bit ridiculous, and I'm still trying to figure out how to talk with him about it further. He can get really sensitive about it when I even bring up the topic. Like I said earlier, it is the one thing that makes both of tick. I guess for me, what I really need to figure out is if this whole thing, if he continues to refuse to compromise in anyway, would be a deal breaker for me. I love him tremendously, but I also don't want to be in a lop-sided relationship or one where I feel I am overly comprising to make-up for his lack-there-of.

 

I think you have to consider the possibility that he may NEVER be willing to come to church with you or share your faith. And if this is the case, can you live with it? Personally, if my husband was unwilling to come to church with me it would be a dealbreaker. I liked having my father come to church with us and see us get our sacrements, even if he just sat there. This is the time to decide what is a dealbreaker and what isn't..because he won't change after you get married!!!

[yah]

I'm a lurker on this forum but I just wanted to say I wished I knew more Christian-Jewish couples. I did some research on this topic a few months ago and found Jane Kaplan's "Interfaith Families: Personal Stories" to be pretty enlightening.

 

Anyway, I, too, wouldn't mind going to synagogue or participating in certain Jewish traditions if my SO (Reform Jew) asked me too. I can't say the same for him going to church with me. I think, as a Christian, I am more open to things like that; I can go, sit, listen to what someone has to say, and not feel like I betrayed my people/ancestors. I don't think my SO could do the same. I think he'd feel guilty for weeks just because he's been drilled to believe he has to follow all these gazillion rules. Sorry, personal rant there. lol

[dreamingoftigers]

my husband joined my religion and then left.

 

It has been very heart-wrenching. Our daughter will be raised in our church, he does not block me from going to church but he also promises to go to church functions and then backs out.

 

I am concerned that if our daughter goes to church and gets involved that he won't go to see her special moments.

 

There is a baby blessing she still hasn't received because he isn't going to do it (but says he might) and doesn't want it done by anyone else.

 

I hope my daughter doesn't feel lacking in support. I also hope that she still chooses a mate of good moral standing.

 

My parents were of a mixed-faith marriage. My father Catholic, my mother Anglican. She didn't convert but she did play ball with his religion (actually I wonder why she didn't convert, she does think it is weird though). I was raised Catholic. They go to church together sometimes. I don't think my father even understands his own religion though.

 

The differing philosophies led me on my own quest for truth.

[allina]

Interfaith marriages are extremely common among people who don't really practice or to who religion isn't the biggest part of life. I was raised Catholic and my husband Hindu. However, is hasn't been an issue because while we don't mind in taking part in religion based activities with family around the holidays, religion doesn't have a constant presence in our lives.

 

An interfaith marriage where one partner wants to force their religion on the other can be problematic. Your best bet is to honestly lay out your expectations out for your SO and if they can't meet them find someone who can. If this is a deal breaker for you and he won't budge there isn't much you can do.