It's Never Over

[KarmasTestDummy]

I can't do it another minute. No sooner had I posted my last update that he had maintained NC, did he contact me, after at least 2 weeks. The very second i'm in an emotional state thinking about him again does he always seem to be going through the same thing. I have tried, and tried, and triiiiiieeeedddd....but allowing myself to love him is the path of least resistance. I am ready to accept my role as the other woman, battle wounds, guilt, trust, it is all a part of me now because the only thing harder than being with him is being away from him.

[whichwayisup]

It's never over

 

His wife says this, he says this and you say this.

 

I am sorry to hear that you don't have the strength to walk away from this MM. The whole situation is messed up and unhealthy, for everybody involved.

 

You get what you get, you're choosing this path, accept your role as the OW. Be happy and don't get upset or angry at him when he goes home. Don't expect anything from him, that way you're not disappointed. This is on his time frame, his choice when he sees you and when he goes home.

 

I feel for you K, I really do. And I wish I had a magic wand to make you see that you're making SUCH a huge mistake by staying on this path. I guess when it's enough, you'll know, I just worry what type of woman you'll be, how your heart will be, when you get spun in the dryer afew more times and get shredded. And he'll still go home to his wife. All three of you are addicted to the drama, for some reason, both you and his wife are addicted to him.

 

Protect your kids, KEEP them out of this, and don't be involved with his kids either.

 

Good luck, hate to say it, but you're going to need it..

[desertIslandCactus]

His wife says this, he says this and you say this.

 

I am sorry to hear that you don't have the strength to walk away from this MM. The whole situation is messed up and unhealthy, for everybody involved.

 

You get what you get, you're choosing this path, accept your role as the OW. Be happy and don't get upset or angry at him when he goes home. Don't expect anything from him, that way you're not disappointed. This is on his time frame, his choice when he sees you and when he goes home.

 

I feel for you K, I really do. And I wish I had a magic wand to make you see that you're making SUCH a huge mistake by staying on this path. I guess when it's enough, you'll know, I just worry what type of woman you'll be, how your heart will be, when you get spun in the dryer afew more times and get shredded. And he'll still go home to his wife. All three of you are addicted to the drama, for some reason, both you and his wife are addicted to him.

 

Protect your kids, KEEP them out of this, and don't be involved with his kids either.

 

Good luck, hate to say it, but you're going to need it..

 

I agree with all of this.

 

And to add KTD, You aren't saving him .. You are only ingratiating or adding to his already full life, as extra.

 

You are too whole of a woman to be an extra in someone's marriage..

[BB07]

Great post whichwayisup!

 

KTD......I'm disappointed to think that you would make that choice.

 

He is going to walk all over you and chew you up and spit you out........because you are going to allow it. Who will be the woman who remains? You may not like her very much.

[ItsNeverForever]

Oh, KTD.

 

Nine days ago, I was right where you are now. "MM" and I had a really honest heart to heart & agreed that we were still in this, same goal, just no hard timeline, for so many reasons, some acceptable, some ridiculous. Anyway, I told him that if this is what we both want, we need to meet each other half way...I can't do the silence & distance, and unless he feels otherwise, we need to communicate & spend more time together. He agreed. Well, the communication was great all week, but haven't heard a peep since Friday, & not one effort was even attempted @ spending time together after that oh so profound conversation we'd had. So, I've given up & I'm walking away without notice. I can't bear the thought of hearing his voice. But I think I know now this really is the only right thing to do. I'm praying he stays away. I can't take it anymore.

 

I'm also praying that your decision is the right one for you. I totally understand where you are right now, I just worry for more repeats of past misery, like I've just been through. Again. *sigh*

 

Here for you... {{{hug}}}

[spice4life]

Hi KTD. I know how hard it is because I have been there myself. Sometimes these things have to play out until you are filled to the brim and are ready to make some choices that are true to you. Try to protect your heart in the meantime as hard as that may sound and don't beat yourself up too much.

[KarmasTestDummy]

Oh, KTD.

 

Nine days ago, I was right where you are now. "MM" and I had a really honest heart to heart & agreed that we were still in this, same goal, just no hard timeline, for so many reasons, some acceptable, some ridiculous. Anyway, I told him that if this is what we both want, we need to meet each other half way...I can't do the silence & distance, and unless he feels otherwise, we need to communicate & spend more time together. He agreed. Well, the communication was great all week, but haven't heard a peep since Friday, & not one effort was even attempted @ spending time together after that oh so profound conversation we'd had. So, I've given up & I'm walking away without notice. I can't bear the thought of hearing his voice. But I think I know now this really is the only right thing to do. I'm praying he stays away. I can't take it anymore.

 

I'm also praying that your decision is the right one for you. I totally understand where you are right now, I just worry for more repeats of past misery, like I've just been through. Again. *sigh*

 

Here for you... {{{hug}}}

 

I understand and feel for you completely. Fortunately silence isn't an issue for us. We talk every day unless we are on NC. He is my morning wake up, my coffee break, my smoke breaks and all day in between. He is my goodnights and it is how it has been from day one. Weekends are harder because he is off but still not silent. If it has been 24 hrs I know there is a problem as was the case with our "almost d-day". This week alone we have spent two nights together, had lunch and he's come visit me at work twice. He's not perfect. He doesn't promise anything or give me timelines (but that I respect too for not trying to say something he won't keep), but he tells me he loves me every day and I believe it with every fiber of my being.

 

I know that things have a lot of drama in the mix, but drama aside, I don't want to keep trying to push away the one person I can't seem to live without.

[ItsNeverForever]

I understand and feel for you completely. Fortunately silence isn't an issue for us. We talk every day unless we are on NC. He is my morning wake up, my coffee break, my smoke breaks and all day in between. He is my goodnights and it is how it has been from day one. Weekends are harder because he is off but still not silent. If it has been 24 hrs I know there is a problem as was the case with our "almost d-day". This week alone we have spent two nights together, had lunch and he's come visit me at work twice. He's not perfect. He doesn't promise anything or give me timelines (but that I respect too for not trying to say something he won't keep), but he tells me he loves me every day and I believe it with every fiber of my being.

 

I know that things have a lot of drama in the mix, but drama aside, I don't want to keep trying to push away the one person I can't seem to live without.

 

Hmph, I forgot all those details, didn't I? Sorry I was so thread-jackishly long with my last post; my whole point was really that I understand how you're feeling, how you've tried but NC just can't be. How the only thing harder than being "together" is being apart. It IS hard. And It just made me sad to hear you say it, bc I've done so myself several times.

 

Keep posting, no doubt you're gonna need to "talk" at some point. :/

[Hazyhead]

I'm with whichwayisup, sorry to see you back there. What comes through your posting, despite being happy for the moments you do get together, is this sadness that those moments aren't yours to have any time. I do understand how you feel and, as I always say, I have a certain amount of almost-admiration for those who can bear this situation. I know I couldn't do it, the longing the rest of the time was too hard.

 

What I do wonder though, Karmas, is how this relationship bears upon your actual life plans. I don't mean to pry, or in any way to suggest that certain ages 'might as well', but do you wish for marriage? Do you have kids already? (Sorry for being ignorant towards your situation if you have answered this in a previous thread.) I just know that this was a factor in deciding the other woman role was certainly not for me. Just one factor, mind. I don't want you to sacrifice too much of yourself, or your hopes and dreams, to share whatever you are able to with this man. Sometimes love just isn't enough. Once you've given your time away, you can't get it back.

 

I'm sorry for your struggle. Keep posting and know we are all here for you, whatever happens.

 

Hugs,

Hazy

Edited December 7, 2010 by Hazyhead

[siuys]

I don't know how you can do it, K. I understand you love him and all, but boy, I sure remember the pain before NC. I don't think I have it in me to be an OW. It's just plain too painful. Maybe you can. I hope you can be happy. I know I certainly would never be. However difficult, I must walk away. I must choose a different path to get a different result... fingers crossed I have the strength to do it. Good luck.

[JamieA]

I understand and feel for you completely. Fortunately silence isn't an issue for us. We talk every day unless we are on NC. He is my morning wake up, my coffee break, my smoke breaks and all day in between. He is my goodnights and it is how it has been from day one. Weekends are harder because he is off but still not silent. If it has been 24 hrs I know there is a problem as was the case with our "almost d-day". This week alone we have spent two nights together, had lunch and he's come visit me at work twice. He's not perfect. He doesn't promise anything or give me timelines (but that I respect too for not trying to say something he won't keep), but he tells me he loves me every day and I believe it with every fiber of my being.

 

I know that things have a lot of drama in the mix, but drama aside, I don't want to keep trying to push away the one person I can't seem to live without.

 

NC doesn't work when you're in love! Your story is a prime example of it!

 

How does ignoring the one you love bring you closer? It doesn't.

 

You know how you feel and you know what is between you two. You have more infomation about your situation than anyone else on this forum.

 

I hope it ends well for you. I only wish you the best in your future.

[TigerCub]

Hey KTD,

 

You're taking a path that I certainly can't understand, but I do understand the motivation for taking it.

 

You sound ok with your decision and you don't seem to expect much, so I think the arrangement will work for you (for a while at least).

 

Personally, I think you deserve better, I don't mean to guilt you, I don't, I just wish that you could have had a happier ending to all of this.

 

But if you truly are happy with your decision and with whatever time you get with your MM, then I wish you all the best.

[greengoddess]

No no no you deserve so much more. YOU were doing the no contact. He disrespected you. He disrespected your wishes by contacting you. He is being selfish and only thinking about his needs and not what he is putting you through. This is not love. You do not treat someone you love like this. It's an addiction you need to break.

 

How is he going to miss you? How is he going to know he can't live without you in his life if you don't get out of his life? His situation will never ever change if you just accept being the ow. You deserve more.

 

You want no contact????? Tell his wife!!!!!

[ItsNeverForever]

No no no you deserve so much more. YOU were doing the no contact. He disrespected you. He disrespected your wishes by contacting you. He is being selfish and only thinking about his needs and not what he is putting you through. This is not love. You do not treat someone you love like this. It's an addiction you need to break.

 

How is he going to miss you? How is he going to know he can't live without you in his life if you don't get out of his life? His situation will never ever change if you just accept being the ow. You deserve more.

 

GG, thanks for posting this. I know it's not what Karmas wants to hear (and I know why and understand it), but it's exactly what I needed to hear this morning to get me through another day without faltering. <3

[michee]

I totally understand where you are coming from but I also know that it won't turn out in your favor. I know this because I am in the same boat. Everytime it seems to be going well something happens. I mean one minuted he is talking to me and giving attention and next he is laconic. It's the rollercoaster of ups and downs..there will come a point where you cant take it anymore...you just haven't reached that threshold. I googled NC and there was a good article I found describing why NC doesn't work. Hugs to you.

[xxoo]

the only thing harder than being with him is being away from him.

 

Read this again.

 

Doesn't that disturb you?

[Owl]

People make changes in order to get something that they want, or when the pain of staying where they're at outwieghs the pain of making the change.

 

KTD will remain where she's at until she decides the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving.

 

For us, there's no telling when that will happen for her.

 

Good luck to you, KTD. We'll be here when/if you come back looking for support again.

[jthorne]

Read this again.

 

Doesn't that disturb you?

It disturbs me. It's incredibly unhealthy. However, I can't say I'm surprised. Not judgment, just fact- She has stated in past posts that her past relationships have been strife with drama, and this is ultimate drama.

 

I know KTD says her kids are shielded from this, but I can't help but feel for them. If the end game is a future with this man, it's pretty obvious that in the unlikely event he does leave, he is not Father of the Year. I don't have children, I have dogs. I wouldn't let this guy near my dogs, much less kids. JMO.

 

I don's see this ending well, KTD. Frankly, I don't think you do either.

But I do wish you the best of luck.

[2sure]

but allowing myself to love him is the path of least resistance. I am ready to accept my role as the other woman, battle wounds, guilt, trust, it is all a part of me now because the only thing harder than being with him is being away from him.

 

KTD - this is so sad to me. Not because you have decided to continue an affair, but because of your reasons for doing so. You are not happy with it but have decided to stay because it is easier on you.

 

I just feel the need to tell you or remind you that life , its lessons, its choices, are HARD. Not just this one, but most of them. The right path for ourselves, especially as women, is usually the harder one but the results are worth it. Thats what life is about.

 

Your reason for staying in the affair and accepting less than you want...because its easier right now...sigh, all I have is hindsight but I am telling you: You have to make the hard decisions for yourself, if you dont feel that the YOU you are right now is deserving of more...think of the YOU you will be in the future. Dont disappoint her.

[KarmasTestDummy]

Hmph, I forgot all those details, didn't I? Sorry I was so thread-jackishly long with my last post; my whole point was really that I understand how you're feeling, how you've tried but NC just can't be. How the only thing harder than being "together" is being apart. It IS hard. And It just made me sad to hear you say it, bc I've done so myself several times.

 

Keep posting, no doubt you're gonna need to "talk" at some point. :/

 

Not at all. I appreciate other people's stories. Sometimes you get advice from other people but it is based on their experience but you don't know the circumstances and it may be totally different than your own. By knowing the background it allows me to be more subjective and learn from you.

[jthorne]

 

KTD - this is so sad to me. Not because you have decided to continue an affair, but because of your reasons for doing so. You are not happy with it but have decided to stay because it is easier on you.

 

I just feel the need to tell you or remind you that life , its lessons, its choices, are HARD. Not just this one, but most of them. The right path for ourselves, especially as women, is usually the harder one but the results are worth it. Thats what life is about.

 

Your reason for staying in the affair and accepting less than you want...because its easier right now...sigh, all I have is hindsight but I am telling you: You have to make the hard decisions for yourself, if you dont feel that the YOU you are right now is deserving of more...think of the YOU you will be in the future. Dont disappoint her.

I noted that as well, and wondered what if anything, it might have to do with the upcoming holidays. Either way, 2sure, you make a great point. Making a change is hard. It requires belief in yourself and commitment. I'm not sure what KTD believes in right now, but I'm not sure it's herself.

 

There is a HUGE difference in someone saying that they love you and someone showing that they love you. The same goes for ourselves, too.

[Hazyhead]

Not at all. I appreciate other people's stories. Sometimes you get advice from other people but it is based on their experience but you don't know the circumstances and it may be totally different than your own. By knowing the background it allows me to be more subjective and learn from you.

 

That's all we have, KTD, our own experiences, and our concern for others. But you know what path you are taking and it seems like you've considered it in great length. Just know, that you may need to change your path, at some time, if it gets too much it's never too late to have a rethink.

 

Good luck to you.

[jennie-jennie]

I understand and feel for you completely. Fortunately silence isn't an issue for us. We talk every day unless we are on NC. He is my morning wake up, my coffee break, my smoke breaks and all day in between. He is my goodnights and it is how it has been from day one. Weekends are harder because he is off but still not silent. If it has been 24 hrs I know there is a problem as was the case with our "almost d-day". This week alone we have spent two nights together, had lunch and he's come visit me at work twice. He's not perfect. He doesn't promise anything or give me timelines (but that I respect too for not trying to say something he won't keep), but he tells me he loves me every day and I believe it with every fiber of my being.

 

I know that things have a lot of drama in the mix, but drama aside, I don't want to keep trying to push away the one person I can't seem to live without.

 

I think this is what is difficult for many LS posters to understand, that some of us OW are lucky enough to have MM who even after years in the relationship are constantly flooding us with affection and attention, who are spending more quality time with us than most couples in a relationship usually have and whom we share every little detail of both our everyday lives with. Thus the benefits of the relationship outweigh the consequences, and we choose to stay.

[xxoo]

I just feel the need to tell you or remind you that life , its lessons, its choices, are HARD. Not just this one, but most of them. The right path for ourselves, especially as women, is usually the harder one but the results are worth it. Thats what life is about.

 

Yes! We do the hard work because the rewards are so great.

 

 

the only thing harder than being with him is being away from him.

 

 

 

That doesn't sound so great

 

Can you even imagine a relationship that is a genuinely positive force in your life? A relationship that is not weighed and measured in the negatives?

[Hazyhead]

I think this is what is difficult for many LS posters to understand, that some of us OW are lucky enough to have MM who even after years in the relationship are constantly flooding us with affection and attention, who are spending more quality time with us than most couples in a relationship usually have and whom we share every little detail of both our everyday lives with. Thus the benefits of the relationship outweigh the consequences, and we choose to stay.

 

Jennie, before I started kicking against him, I had that. The affection, the love, the fun, the lack of those is not the issue here, it's what Karmas doesn't have. I don't get the impression that she's as satisfied with her lot as you are, I think she does want more from him and struggles with not having it. But, you're right in saying that if the benefits outweigh the pain then... I guess you stay. I just don't get that from her posts. KTD, if I'm incorrect, I apologise.