OW -1st post

[calliope]

I have been OW for 16 months. Lots of ups & downs but we always end up back together. We were friends a couple of years first but grew a true emotional connection long before anything physical. I ended it many times but he always came back to me, and I let him. I love him with all my heart. And I truly believe he feels the same about me.

 

Six weeks ago he told her about me. We spoke afterwards & he said he wants to be with me and would do whatever he had to do. He stayed at home that night, but the next day came to me and broke it off - he wanted to fix things at home & try to make it work. I was heartbroken and very confused.

 

12 days later, he came back to me. He said he finally realized it's not going to get better at home and he's leaving there for good. Last Friday he told her he's leaving her for me. He came to my home that night with a bag in his hand. He was relaxed, happy and reassured me he was positive in his decision. We spent the next 2 days talking about our future and he kept telling me not to worry -- he's all in, he's not going to bail again...

 

Sunday morning he packed his bag and went back home again. Again, I'm devastated and confused....help?

[TigerCub]

I have been OW for 16 months. Lots of ups & downs but we always end up back together. We were friends a couple of years first but grew a true emotional connection long before anything physical. I ended it many times but he always came back to me, and I let him. I love him with all my heart. And I truly believe he feels the same about me.

 

Six weeks ago he told her about me. We spoke afterwards & he said he wants to be with me and would do whatever he had to do. He stayed at home that night, but the next day came to me and broke it off - he wanted to fix things at home & try to make it work. I was heartbroken and very confused.

 

12 days later, he came back to me. He said he finally realized it's not going to get better at home and he's leaving there for good. Last Friday he told her he's leaving her for me. He came to my home that night with a bag in his hand. He was relaxed, happy and reassured me he was positive in his decision. We spent the next 2 days talking about our future and he kept telling me not to worry -- he's all in, he's not going to bail again...

 

Sunday morning he packed his bag and went back home again. Again, I'm devastated and confused....help?

 

Welcome calliope

 

A few questions:

How long has he been married?

Do they have any kids together?

 

From things I've read here and stories from friends, MMs don't usually make 1 clean break and its then smooth sailing. They flip flop alot because they have the guilt of what they're doing to their spouse and especially if they have kids - they feel they need to give the marriage another shot.

 

I'm sure you already know all this.

 

I'm sorry for your pain.

 

If he goes home and wants to keep you as his OW - would you accept that?

[jthorne]

Hi!

Welcome to LS!

Sounds like you've had a really bumpy ride! It makes me wonder if this will be worth it for you in the long run.

 

My advice would be to back off and let him decide what/who he wants. This protects you somewhat from his waffling. Others will probably disagree and tell you to stand by him no matter what. All I can say is to read and decide for yourself what you can stand.

 

I personally would not stand by and wait for a man that wouldn't emphatically choose me, but that's me. I'm sure it hurts every time he goes back to his wife. So you really have to ask yourself if this is the kind of person you want in your life long-term. I think many OW only have their eyes on the finish line, meaning getting the MM away from the W, but then don't stop to consider what happens afterwards.

 

Is he in any kind of counseling? Realize that if he's not doing any work to improve himself, whatever baggage he has in his current marriage he will bring to your relationship. He won't automatically be "healed" by divorcing.

 

I'm not sure if we are allowed to name names, if not, my apologies in advance, but you might want to search for threads/posts by Broken Lady. Her posts may be of help to you.

 

Good luck!

[calliope]

Thank you....

 

He's common law with her 6 years, together for 8.

 

No kids together. He has 3 boys living with his ex> They never come to his house because of rules she's made. The same rules don't apply to her own son who lives with them. He's hurting to be with his own boys but deep down knows it won't work if he stays with her.

 

I know about the flip flop. My ex came & went for 2 months before leaving for good. I do know a clean break is near impossible. I just don't know how many more times I can go through this.

 

I won't be his OW physically. Emotionally is a lot harder for me...we work together. NC would be very difficult.

[calliope]

Thank you jthorne.

 

I want to move on and stop getting hurt but I can't seem to be able to. I don't want to leave him alone because even though I'm convinced he'll come back to me in time, I'm scared he won't...

[jthorne]

I don't want to leave him alone because even though I'm convinced he'll come back to me in time, I'm scared he won't...

This is a bad sign, hon.

 

I imagine you might be feeling that you want to have some sort of control over the situation. After all, your life is involved too. But you really can't. He has to make the decision to leave.

[Confused4Now]

Do YOU really want someone to leave a marriage for you. I don't think they always work. He needs to do this on his own. I left my marriage and it had nothing to do with my xMW at all. I never waffled but I can assure you I've been on this site for 3 years and I know when a man is not ready to leave he's not ready.

 

Just be ready for rough sailing...Good luck to you.

[calliope]

This is a bad sign, hon.

 

I imagine you might be feeling that you want to have some sort of control over the situation. After all, your life is involved too. But you really can't. He has to make the decision to leave.

It is about wanting to feel like I have some control of something because a lot of things have felt out of control to me for a long time.

[calliope]

Do YOU really want someone to leave a marriage for you. I don't think they always work. He needs to do this on his own. I left my marriage and it had nothing to do with my xMW at all. I never waffled but I can assure you I've been on this site for 3 years and I know when a man is not ready to leave he's not ready.

 

Just be ready for rough sailing...Good luck to you.

I do know that when he's not ready to leave, he's not ready...

He just promised me this time that he was, and I believed him.

[Kismetly]

It is about wanting to feel like I have some control of something because a lot of things have felt out of control to me for a long time.

 

Isn't it ironic that the only thing you really have control over is what you decide to do? The thing you have most control over is if you stay with him and allow him to have 2 women or you leave him.

 

Actually, you have a lot more capacity to control this outcome than you give yourself credit for.

[calliope]

I know I can control whether or not I stay with him. I've ended it with him many times, but just haven't yet been able to say no every time he has come back. He's always been the one to come back, every time. I to, however, take full responsibility for always taking him back.

 

This has always been more an emotional relationship than a physical one. I think that's a lot of the problem for me to let him go. Will I get to a point when I'll be able to say enough...?

[half_ofa_heart]

I know I can control whether or not I stay with him. I've ended it with him many times, but just haven't yet been able to say no every time he has come back. He's always been the one to come back, every time. I to, however, take full responsibility for always taking him back.

 

This has always been more an emotional relationship than a physical one. I think that's a lot of the problem for me to let him go. Will I get to a point when I'll be able to say enough...?

 

You will but it will take time. Coming here will help you. You will gain insight thru other's experiences. I can feel your pain and am right there with you but you will get thru this.

[calliope]

Thank you. 11 yrs ago when I divorced I found a similar place and it helped me immensely. xH left me for OW and I swore I'd never stand in her shoes...yet here I am.

 

This forum is amazing. When you're OW, it's hard for people to relate....

[spice4life]

He has 3 boys living with his ex> They never come to his house because of rules she's made. The same rules don't apply to her own son who lives with them. He's hurting to be with his own boys but deep down knows it won't work if he stays with her.

 

I know about the flip flop. My ex came & went for 2 months before leaving for good. I do know a clean break is near impossible. I just don't know how many more times I can go through this.

 

I won't be his OW physically. Emotionally is a lot harder for me...we work together. NC would be very difficult.

 

I don't have any advice to offer on the flip flopping thing because I've never been there but I did want to comment on the situation with his children.

 

Wow...how someone can prevent someone from seeing or being with their children, especially if they have kids of their own, is beyond me. That is selfish and cruel.

 

I hope you are able to find peace with it all soon.

[half_ofa_heart]

Thank you. 11 yrs ago when I divorced I found a similar place and it helped me immensely. xH left me for OW and I swore I'd never stand in her shoes...yet here I am.

 

This forum is amazing. When you're OW, it's hard for people to relate....

 

So very hard for people to relate and this is the only place where you realize you aren't alone and that as horrible as you feel for what you are doing, this is the one place you can go to work out your feelings and hopefully figure out right from wrong.

 

I divorced my xH 6 years ago and was horrified that in those 6 years, the 3 out of the 6 men who approached me for a date were all MARRIED!!! I told all (well, almost all) to take a hike... including this one - but he was and is very persistant and got under my skin. I keep asking myself, why did I let him in??? Why did I not stick to my morals???

 

My point is, I now realize that one cannot truly judge another until we have been in their shoes so don't beat yourself up about it. We are human therefore make mistakes and all we can do is hope that we learn from them.

 

xoxo

[phillyfan]

I have been OW for 16 months. Lots of ups & downs but we always end up back together. We were friends a couple of years first but grew a true emotional connection long before anything physical. I ended it many times but he always came back to me, and I let him. I love him with all my heart. And I truly believe he feels the same about me.

 

Six weeks ago he told her about me. We spoke afterwards & he said he wants to be with me and would do whatever he had to do. He stayed at home that night, but the next day came to me and broke it off - he wanted to fix things at home & try to make it work. I was heartbroken and very confused.

 

12 days later, he came back to me. He said he finally realized it's not going to get better at home and he's leaving there for good. Last Friday he told her he's leaving her for me. He came to my home that night with a bag in his hand. He was relaxed, happy and reassured me he was positive in his decision. We spent the next 2 days talking about our future and he kept telling me not to worry -- he's all in, he's not going to bail again...

 

Sunday morning he packed his bag and went back home again. Again, I'm devastated and confused....help?

 

Walk away girl, this is a complete mindf**k. The dude loves the drama, loves the ego kick. Hes hurt u enough, stop lettin him walk all over u-hes no catch. Even worse he knows u keep walkin away and hurtin cause this is a mindf**k for u, yet he neva respects ur decisions or ur boundaries and always comes back, pushin his way back in - not cool.

Edited December 7, 2010 by phillyfan

[calliope]

I don't have any advice to offer on the flip flopping thing because I've never been there but I did want to comment on the situation with his children.

 

Wow...how someone can prevent someone from seeing or being with their children, especially if they have kids of their own, is beyond me. That is selfish and cruel.

 

I hope you are able to find peace with it all soon.

I have no kids so its huge for us that he knows I fully support everything to do with his. His boys don't like her & stay away b/c of that. When he left home 4 days ago, his sis sent him an e "I hope now you'll be able to put your relationship back together with your boys.." Everyone sees the sacrifice he's made, including himself and he regrets having done it. Yet it still wasn't enough to stop him going back home....

[calliope]

So very hard for people to relate and this is the only place where you realize you aren't alone and that as horrible as you feel for what you are doing, this is the one place you can go to work out your feelings and hopefully figure out right from wrong.

 

I divorced my xH 6 years ago and was horrified that in those 6 years, the 3 out of the 6 men who approached me for a date were all MARRIED!!! I told all (well, almost all) to take a hike... including this one - but he was and is very persistant and got under my skin. I keep asking myself, why did I let him in??? Why did I not stick to my morals???

 

My point is, I now realize that one cannot truly judge another until we have been in their shoes so don't beat yourself up about it. We are human therefore make mistakes and all we can do is hope that we learn from them.

 

xoxo

Thank you.... It's hard sometimes not to beat myself up about it.

 

When things are good, I don't. When things are bad, I do...

[whichwayisup]

I have been OW for 16 months. Lots of ups & downs but we always end up back together. We were friends a couple of years first but grew a true emotional connection long before anything physical. I ended it many times but he always came back to me, and I let him. I love him with all my heart. And I truly believe he feels the same about me.

 

Six weeks ago he told her about me. We spoke afterwards & he said he wants to be with me and would do whatever he had to do. He stayed at home that night, but the next day came to me and broke it off - he wanted to fix things at home & try to make it work. I was heartbroken and very confused.

 

12 days later, he came back to me. He said he finally realized it's not going to get better at home and he's leaving there for good. Last Friday he told her he's leaving her for me. He came to my home that night with a bag in his hand. He was relaxed, happy and reassured me he was positive in his decision. We spent the next 2 days talking about our future and he kept telling me not to worry -- he's all in, he's not going to bail again...

 

Sunday morning he packed his bag and went back home again. Again, I'm devastated and confused....help?

 

He is far from done with his marriage. He's confused, is having affair withdrawal from you, since he has been used to TWO women in his life for so long, losing one (you or his wife) is messing him up more.

 

I say, back off and focus on your life, reconnect with friends, see your family and stay busy. This MM has put himself in a situation, the A and now he has to choose. He can't and he'll continue to bounce back and forth until either you walk away forever, or his wife kicks him out of the house. He doesn't want to choose.

 

Start looking for another job or ask to be transfered. Atleast think about it.

[calliope]

He is far from done with his marriage. He's confused, is having affair withdrawal from you, since he has been used to TWO women in his life for so long, losing one (you or his wife) is messing him up more.

 

I say, back off and focus on your life, reconnect with friends, see your family and stay busy. This MM has put himself in a situation, the A and now he has to choose. He can't and he'll continue to bounce back and forth until either you walk away forever, or his wife kicks him out of the house. He doesn't want to choose.

 

Start looking for another job or ask to be transfered. Atleast think about it.

He is without question confused and very messed up. I agree that he doesn't want to choose. Every time I've ended it, he comes back and I have taken him back.

 

I just need to get to a point where I can choose and actually follow through.

 

As for the job, for me it's not an option to go anywhere else.

[Fight4Me]

His situation is really odd. What I mean is that it's not the typical scenario where there are a lot of ties that would make it more difficult for him to extricate himself from her. I'm a fBW, so I don't normally take this stance, but it sounds like he's in an unhealthy situation. If what he says is true, he has more to gain from leaving than staying.

 

I'm really sorry he is putting you through this. I would also be cautious about allowing him to use you as a crutch every time he thinks he wants to leave. It has to be something he does on his own, in a healthy way. I won't go on and on about that since others here are so much better at offering the support you need, but I do really wish the best for you, whether it's with or without him. Just put yourself first. (((hugs)))

[calliope]

His situation is really odd. What I mean is that it's not the typical scenario where there are a lot of ties that would make it more difficult for him to extricate himself from her. I'm a fBW, so I don't normally take this stance, but it sounds like he's in an unhealthy situation. If what he says is true, he has more to gain from leaving than staying.

 

I'm really sorry he is putting you through this. I would also be cautious about allowing him to use you as a crutch every time he thinks he wants to leave. It has to be something he does on his own, in a healthy way. I won't go on and on about that since others here are so much better at offering the support you need, but I do really wish the best for you, whether it's with or without him. Just put yourself first. (((hugs)))

Thank you. It is an odd situation, thus my confusion. He's not financially dependent on her, she may be on him, I wouldn't be. His children have been alienated by her, they wouldn't be by me. Her son who lives with them has given them nothing but grief, problems with the law, damaging the house. His family & children don't like her. She's never had time for any of his friends/co-workers/sons and he goes to parties/get togethers without her because of that. She doesn't want to hear anything about his work, a big part of his life. They don't communicate at all and he's shared very important things about his boys with me that he's never told her.

 

He's told me that he's no longer in love with her. He's told me that he is in love with me. He said that in 8 years together he no more wants to marry her than the first day they met. 6 weeks ago he said that if we had ended up together he would've asked me to marry him very shortly after. Only 12 days after the last d-day when he ended it with me, he was back to tell me he knew it wouldn't work with her. 4 weeks after that he was on my doorstep with his bag in his hand (4 days ago)

 

When he went back home 2 days ago he said he was in love with her once, and wants to try to get it back. I asked him if he could tell me he's not in love with me now...he couldn't. I reminded him about what he said about marrying her, he said he may have wanted to marry her once, that he was going home to try and fix things.

 

So he's leaving a woman he's in love with now and wants to marry now, for a woman he used to love and may have wanted to marry once....? I just don't get it.

 

My only guess is that he thinks she'll stay with him forever. He's said he doesn't want to end up alone, so perhaps he's not as confident about me/us as I am.

[Fight4Me]

There may be more to their history and that of his ex-wife than you know, or he could be very insecure... or all of that. As others have said, he isn't through with her, and if he ever decides to leave, you would want him to do it because he has his head on straight. You want 100% of him, not 89.6% or anything less than you deserve.

 

You mentioned that you have taken him back many times. He surely has come to count on you being his safety net, so if there's anything I would recommend, it would be to break that habit. He has to learn how to stand on his own two feet. Trust me, if you were to end up with him without him doing so, it will become a huge weight around your neck as you will forever be having to prop him up. That's when history begins to repeat itself, and you should demand more for yourself.

[calliope]

I honestly believe it's the insecurity. I'm actually surprised that he left at all last week.

 

We'd been discussing him leaving for the past 6 wks. He said it was for himself, not for me. We never intended to move in together, he was going to get an apartment for awhile til he straightened things out. He said he needed to be alone for awhile. We were going to start dating, and were both looking forward to that. He made some calls about apartments over the past couple of weeks but hadn't found anything yet.

 

5 days ago I told him if he wasn't going to be with me for Xmas, I was going to go away to be with family. He asked me to give him until noon the next day. I said I would. He called me at 11 the next day & said he'd left and needed a place to stay. Of course I said he could stay with me until he found something else. He stayed with me for 2 days then had a huge panic attack and went back home.

 

I know he's not happy there and I know in my heart that he truly loves me. He actually took the step to leave, but got cold feet and scurried home. He was always concerned that in the end I would be the one to have cold feet.

[pureinheart]

I honestly believe it's the insecurity. I'm actually surprised that he left at all last week.

 

We'd been discussing him leaving for the past 6 wks. He said it was for himself, not for me. We never intended to move in together, he was going to get an apartment for awhile til he straightened things out. He said he needed to be alone for awhile. We were going to start dating, and were both looking forward to that. He made some calls about apartments over the past couple of weeks but hadn't found anything yet.

 

5 days ago I told him if he wasn't going to be with me for Xmas, I was going to go away to be with family. He asked me to give him until noon the next day. I said I would. He called me at 11 the next day & said he'd left and needed a place to stay. Of course I said he could stay with me until he found something else. He stayed with me for 2 days then had a huge panic attack and went back home.

 

I know he's not happy there and I know in my heart that he truly loves me. He actually took the step to leave, but got cold feet and scurried home. He was always concerned that in the end I would be the one to have cold feet.

 

I would say he has serious commitment issues...he never married the lady he's with, and is with you for a bit and bails...he knows for sure she won't expect marriage out of him...this is just what is sounds like to me...BTW...welcome to LS....

 

I am so very sorry this is happening to you...first of all, it is obvious the back and forth is not good for you, so if you can, think of you first and what you want and communicate this to him...he may need for you to stand up for yourself, no?