OW -1st post

[TigerCub]

Thank you....

 

He's common law with her 6 years, together for 8.

 

No kids together. He has 3 boys living with his ex> They never come to his house because of rules she's made. The same rules don't apply to her own son who lives with them. He's hurting to be with his own boys but deep down knows it won't work if he stays with her.

 

Hey Calliope.

 

I'm sorry, but this situation doesn't look good for you at all. Mainly because this guy is showing that he's so cowardly he can't even put his kids first and stand up for them against this woman - he's not gonna suddenly grow balls and stop being a coward enough to leave her for you.

 

I'm so amazed that he'd let some woman deprive him of his children - that really doesn't speak well for his character.

 

I know you love him, and I'm sorry to knock the man you love, but you need to consider the fact that he can't be strong enough to leaving her to have a relationship with his OWN children!!- so what really makes you think that he'd be strong enough to leave her to have a real relationship with you?

 

I'm sorry for your pain, but maybe you need to stop taking him back when he ditches you to stay with her.

[calliope]

I'm not sure it's the commitment/marriage issues. We talked a long time ago when we were still friends - he said he always thought he'd like to remarry one day. He also said it would never happen with the woman he's with.

 

Over a year later, once we were together, he said he never wanted to marry her in 8 years together, but has thought about marrying me. I honestly don't believe he's making it up because he said it 6 wks ago when he last bailed, while telling me it was over and he wasn't ever coming back. 12 days later he came back...

 

He said he got together with her originally because she treated her son so well, he thought it'd transfer over to his own boys, but it never did. She alienated them and he allowed it to happen. He's now trying to salvage his relationship with them and having a hard time. They're 15, 18 and 20 - young men who need their father but he hasn't been there for them for the past 8 years. I encouraged him to see them and gave him full support...they need him & he needs them.

 

I just feel like I don't know where to go from here. The back & forth is definitely no good, but I love him with all my heart and don't know how to stop.

 

Right now I feel like I have no closure. When he bailed 3 days ago he was in a frenzy and wouldn't stay to talk. We can communicate really well, but when he's in that state there's no talking to him. He's said many times that I have a crazy ability to get him to open up like no one else has ever been able to. I feel the same towards him.

 

I called him yesterday & we spoke for only a couple of minutes. I told him I want to talk. He said he wasn't ready yet, I said I wasn't either. He's going to call in a couple of days & we'll get together. I need this because right now I have no idea what the hell even happened. He was here for 2 days, promising me that he was all in, telling me not to worry. Then he went home. I can't help but feel he'll be back, and I know I'd take him back.

[ASPIE]

i think he could be a keeper.

 

People who invest heavily in relationships are the best people to get involved with. He is invested in her despite his kids, and sometimes the only thing that can break that is another woman. You could bewhat he needs to get out of something that is not very tolerable. As Sartre said, the majority of men lead lives of quiet desperation.

 

Be there for him. He is probably coming under obscene pressure to stay with her and be unhappy and support her malingering child instead of his own. Give him another option and make it attractive!

 

(it worked for me)

[Confused4Now]

As Sartre said, the majority of men lead lives of quiet desperation.

Sartre? I believe it was Henry David Thoreau who said that...

[Billie63]

i think he could be a keeper.

 

People who invest heavily in relationships are the best people to get involved with. He is invested in her despite his kids, and sometimes the only thing that can break that is another woman. You could bewhat he needs to get out of something that is not very tolerable. As Sartre said, the majority of men lead lives of quiet desperation.

 

Be there for him. He is probably coming under obscene pressure to stay with her and be unhappy and support her malingering child instead of his own. Give him another option and make it attractive!

 

(it worked for me)

 

I agree with Aspie. Callipe I think you're actually in a very strong positon with this man and you need to see that in order to decide on what to do next.

 

I'm sure his partner has put him on a guilt trip and pulled out all the stops to convince him they can make a go of it. I bet she's being as sweet as pie right now.

 

If you want this man all to yourself you need to outplay her. Be a support to him, reassure him that you are not going anywhere and tell him you know he will make the right choice once his head is sorted out. If you keep breaking things off with him, he will view you as someone he cannot rely on. This man obviously likes security which is one of the reasons he's gone back to her.

 

Doing this will mean you have to swallow your pride but I really believe he will be yours alone one day if you play your cards right.

 

Be a delight to be around. Make him yearn to be with you. Flatter and comfort him, let your home be a refuge for him, be single minded about this and go for what you want.

[calliope]

i think he could be a keeper.

 

People who invest heavily in relationships are the best people to get involved with. He is invested in her despite his kids, and sometimes the only thing that can break that is another woman. You could bewhat he needs to get out of something that is not very tolerable. As Sartre said, the majority of men lead lives of quiet desperation.

 

Be there for him. He is probably coming under obscene pressure to stay with her and be unhappy and support her malingering child instead of his own. Give him another option and make it attractive!

 

(it worked for me)

I realize that I'm desperately seeking someone who can give me a success story. The way our whole relationship has played out has been me ending things and him always coming back to me. Every time I'd end it, the length of time in between would always get shorter.

 

I promised myself that I wouldn't be OW longer than a year, I deserved to have some hope for a future more than that. I ended it on that day in Aug, at 1 year since we got together. That night he got in touch - he was in a bad way, told me he loved me for the first time. He was out of town the next day for a couple of weeks with her, but the night he got back he came to me and said his time away with her made him realize he wanted to be with me, move forward with me.

 

A month later he hadn't made any moves to change anything, I ended it again. A week later he said he was going to leave her but needed to put some details together first. 3 wks after that, he told her about us but he didn't leave that night. The next morning he came to me, said we were over, he wanted to try to fix things at home, gave me back my key and walked out the door.

 

5 days after that he told me he didn't think he'd be able to make it work at home. A week later he started making plans - laid some financial groundwork, started looking for apartments.

 

5 days ago he did leave. But then 3 days ago he went back. I just don't understand.

 

It seems that every time we split up he comes back stronger and more sure about us. Every time he's gone further for us to be together.

 

In my heart I really feel that he'll eventually come to me because of how everything has always gone in the past. What will it finally take for him to do it once and for all, or will he?

[greengoddess]

i think he could be a keeper.

 

People who invest heavily in relationships are the best people to get involved with. He is invested in her despite his kids, and sometimes the only thing that can break that is another woman. You could bewhat he needs to get out of something that is not very tolerable. As Sartre said, the majority of men lead lives of quiet desperation.

 

Be there for him. He is probably coming under obscene pressure to stay with her and be unhappy and support her malingering child instead of his own. Give him another option and make it attractive!

 

(it worked for me)

 

OMG the guy is not married to her and has no kids with her and you are advising the ow to just hang in there and let this guy bounc back and forth between the two of them?

[Billie63]

OMG the guy is not married to her and has no kids with her and you are advising the ow to just hang in there and let this guy bounc back and forth between the two of them?

 

Greengoddess, I think in this situation Calliope needs to play the waiting game. You may think she's a mug for doing this but it is a game that has been played by many OW and sometimes it does work - just look at Charles and Camilla!

[greengoddess]

lol charles is a wimp and i have no respect for how he treated camilla,

 

If a guy who is not married is going to play back and forth between you and another woman dump his butt. Would you put up with that behavior from a single guy? Then why with a guy in a relaionship? They get a free pass to **** on you over and over because they are involved?

[calliope]

I agree with Aspie. Callipe I think you're actually in a very strong positon with this man and you need to see that in order to decide on what to do next.

 

I'm sure his partner has put him on a guilt trip and pulled out all the stops to convince him they can make a go of it. I bet she's being as sweet as pie right now.

 

If you want this man all to yourself you need to outplay her. Be a support to him, reassure him that you are not going anywhere and tell him you know he will make the right choice once his head is sorted out. If you keep breaking things off with him, he will view you as someone he cannot rely on. This man obviously likes security which is one of the reasons he's gone back to her.

 

Doing this will mean you have to swallow your pride but I really believe he will be yours alone one day if you play your cards right.

 

Be a delight to be around. Make him yearn to be with you. Flatter and comfort him, let your home be a refuge for him, be single minded about this and go for what you want.

Thank you for saying that. I'm not on here fishing for what I want to hear, I genuinely want help with this situation and people in the "real world" can never understand what I'm going through. I'd like some insight about how he's acting and how these things tend to go. I'd like to believe that if he left once, he'll do it again.

 

I believe we have something strong too. But this is totally uncharted territory for me and him also. This is the first time he's ever done this and I know it tears him up. But I also know he's the one who maintains it. That's got to mean something, right?

 

I've always been here for him. He's said that when he doesn't see me he feels like he's doing ok, but as soon as he sees me or hears my voice, he's right back again. I have no choice but to see him at work frequently and know that he can't just walk away from me when he feels that way.

[AlektraClementine]

I have a quick question. Apologies if it's already been answered.

 

Do you know anything about the split up with the mother of his children? Just wondering if there is a pattern with this guy?

 

Also- Have you reckoned fully with your decision never to be an OW and then becoming one? That may be messing with your self esteem and could be causing you to over-look disappointments with this guy to justify that choice.

[Mimolicious]

Thank you....

 

He's common law with her 6 years, together for 8.

 

No kids together. He has 3 boys living with his ex> They never come to his house because of rules she's made. The same rules don't apply to her own son who lives with them. He's hurting to be with his own boys but deep down knows it won't work if he stays with her.

 

I know about the flip flop. My ex came & went for 2 months before leaving for good. I do know a clean break is near impossible. I just don't know how many more times I can go through this.

 

I won't be his OW physically. Emotionally is a lot harder for me...we work together. NC would be very difficult.

 

Hi and welcome to LS.

Sorry but I have to comment about the bolded. Why should the same rules apply to her son? Kids for the most part live with their mother, regardless of the situation. Sorry, I just had to address that, it makes zippo sense.

 

On your other drama- when I was reading, right up to point where he came and was all relaxed for 2 days... I saw the brick wall. He'll come and go as many times and his W and you allow him to come and go. That simple. People will do to you what you allow them to do.

 

Good luck!

[FanFan]

Thank you. 11 yrs ago when I divorced I found a similar place and it helped me immensely. xH left me for OW and I swore I'd never stand in her shoes...yet here I am.

 

This forum is amazing. When you're OW, it's hard for people to relate....

 

Now, you're in the same category as Rielle Hunter. Not good at all.

[Billie63]

Thank you for saying that. I'm not on here fishing for what I want to hear, I genuinely want help with this situation and people in the "real world" can never understand what I'm going through. I'd like some insight about how he's acting and how these things tend to go. I'd like to believe that if he left once, he'll do it again.

 

I believe we have something strong too. But this is totally uncharted territory for me and him also. This is the first time he's ever done this and I know it tears him up. But I also know he's the one who maintains it. That's got to mean something, right?

 

I've always been here for him. He's said that when he doesn't see me he feels like he's doing ok, but as soon as he sees me or hears my voice, he's right back again. I have no choice but to see him at work frequently and know that he can't just walk away from me when he feels that way.

 

I think he is, as you say, flip flopping. He may do it several times more before he finally realises what he wants. I am basing this on what he has told you about their relationship and presuming he is telling the truth.

 

I was in his partner's position a few years ago. He'd met someone else and wanted us to break up. If I'd wanted to, I could have have convinced him to make another go of it with me. After all we'd been together six years, I knew how to press his buttons. Thank God I didn't.

 

So what I am saying is you can't underestimate his partner's power. However I think he has seen a glimpse of a better life and that better life is with you. I think he'll get there eventually. It's down to you to work out have you the patience and strength of mind to play the waiting game?

[AlektraClementine]

One more comment. Sorry, thought about this later. My father is currently on his 4th marriage. I no longer speak to him.

 

One of his most despicable traits was that he would moan and whine to his OW who would eventually become his wife about how his last wife or current wife treated him unfairly with regards to his children. A man who truly wants a relationship with his children, builds one, come hell or high water. All the blaming of the women in his life, are just excuses.

 

Have you met his current wife? Are the reports of her hypocritical step-parenting hearsay or is there any "horses mouth" information you can rely on?

[greengoddess]

On your other drama- when I was reading, right up to point where he came and was all relaxed for 2 days... I saw the brick wall. He'll come and go as many times and his W and you allow him to come and go. That simple. People will do to you what you allow them to do.

 

Good luck!

 

yup once he left he already hurt his significant other. It was done. Bandaid pulled off and damage done. Why would he go back?

Don't always be there for him when he's not there for you.

[calliope]

I have a quick question. Apologies if it's already been answered.

 

Do you know anything about the split up with the mother of his children? Just wondering if there is a pattern with this guy?

 

Also- Have you reckoned fully with your decision never to be an OW and then becoming one? That may be messing with your self esteem and could be causing you to over-look disappointments with this guy to justify that choice.

Not answered. He left his first marriage because the xW was involved with someone. I don't know many details, but he's never had EMA before, never even considered it until he met me.

 

I think I've dealt with OW status. I see a therapist regularly and we've discussed my moral dilemma about it.

 

I guess my patience with him is that I'm 41 and never felt this way about anyone before, not even my x (common-law 8 yrs).

 

I never, ever felt the desire to marry someone, just assumed I wasn't capable of feeling that. Then I met this guy. I have a hard time letting go of something I feel so strongly.

 

We were friends a couple of years before anything started to develop. It was definitely EA long before PA. To this day EA is much stronger than PA, it's a lot easier to maintain and nurture. I believe that's what keeps us coming back to each other.

[Billie63]

lol charles is a wimp and i have no respect for how he treated camilla,

 

If a guy who is not married is going to play back and forth between you and another woman dump his butt. Would you put up with that behavior from a single guy? Then why with a guy in a relaionship? They get a free pass to **** on you over and over because they are involved?

 

Lol I agree with you about Charles and Camilla but that's not really the point is it? Camilla got what she wanted didn't she?

 

As for being the OW, although I agree with you sentiments for the main part, we must face facts that marriages break up all the time, the success rate isn't good. Very often it is the OW/OM that is the catalyst, not the cause, for the break up.

 

As demonstrated on this forum, there are ex-OW happily married to their former MM.

[greengoddess]

would you even let a friend treat you this way?

 

What if you had a friend who was going to be a roommate and share the rent? Would you let them keep bailing out because another friend also asked them? No after the bailed once you would find someone else. I don't know why these involved men keep getting a free pass to hurt over and over.

[greengoddess]

Lol I agree with you about Charles and Camilla but that's not really the point is it? Camilla got what she wanted didn't she?

 

As for being the OW, although I agree with you sentiments for the main part, we must face facts that marriages break up all the time, the success rate isn't good. Very often it is the OW/OM that is the catalyst, not the cause, for the break up.

 

As demonstrated on this forum, there are ex-OW happily married to their former MM.

 

 

at what cost though? Does anyone really respect camilla? If anything I hve sympathy for her but no respect.

[Billie63]

at what cost though? Does anyone really respect camilla? If anything I hve sympathy for her but no respect.

 

At what cost? The old bag is gonna be Queen of England and never have to worry about paying the rent again. I think she's chuckling away to herself and couldn't give a stuff what the rest of us think.

 

And there's no doubt that Ole Big Ears does love her very much.

[ASPIE]

its the hardest thing in the world to crawl out from a marriage or long term relationship with a 'bitch wife'.

 

Men are completely humiliated, attacked. Their children, friend and families are called in attack them and put pressure on them. It absolutely happens. i saw it.

 

Of course they are affected by this huge wave of emotional pressure. And of course they will somehow respond. But if they keep hanging on to you in the tsunami you have to be a bit forgiving and understanding.

 

Are you his enemy, or loving forgiving helping friend?

[calliope]

its the hardest thing in the world to crawl out from a marriage or long term relationship with a 'bitch wife'.

 

Men are completely humiliated, attacked. Their children, friend and families are called in attack them and put pressure on them. It absolutely happens. i saw it.

 

Of course they are affected by this huge wave of emotional pressure. And of course they will somehow respond. But if they keep hanging on to you in the tsunami you have to be a bit forgiving and understanding.

 

Are you his enemy, or loving forgiving helping friend?

I will never be his enemy. I love him too much to ever be that.

[greengoddess]

At what cost? The old bag is gonna be Queen of England and never have to worry about paying the rent again. I think she's chuckling away to herself and couldn't give a stuff what the rest of us think.

 

And there's no doubt that Ole Big Ears does love her very much.

 

:laugh: you got me there.

[greengoddess]

I will never be his enemy. I love him too much to ever be that.

 

 

Yes you will. If he continues to hurt you and go back and forth between the two of you yes you will. You will finally have enough hurt and hate him for what he put you through out of so called love.