OW -1st post

[calliope]

I will never be his enemy. I love him too much to ever be that.

His friends and family are actually all very supportive of him. Everyone who called him on Fri & Sat (after she changed her FB status to "single") and people he told face-to-face all told him that they just want for him to be happy. Nobody pressured him to go back because they all already know he's been unhappy for a long time. It's not a secret.

 

Only a couple of people know about me, just close friends. And they're all supportive of him because they just want him to be happy.

[calliope]

Yes you will. If he continues to hurt you and go back and forth between the two of you yes you will. You will finally have enough hurt and hate him for what he put you through out of so called love.

It's certainly not my intention to do the back & forth. It never was. But I truly believed that this time he was out. He reassured me that this was it.

 

So if he ultimately decides he does want to be with me, at what point do I ever believe it?

[greengoddess]

It's certainly not my intention to do the back & forth. It never was. But I truly believed that this time he was out. He reassured me that this was it.

 

So if he ultimately decides he does want to be with me, at what point do I ever believe it?

 

He has to leave with his own place to live. Then you date. He doesn't get to move from one house to another. When he pays a six month year lease on a place then maybe it's more real. Right now he can go from soft landing to soft landing.

[Billie63]

It's certainly not my intention to do the back & forth. It never was. But I truly believed that this time he was out. He reassured me that this was it.

 

So if he ultimately decides he does want to be with me, at what point do I ever believe it?

 

I think you'll just know. You'll probably know for sure when he finally moves out, you two set up home together and they divide their assets through lawyers and she is no longer begging him for a second chance.

 

In the meantime if you continue to see him you will wreck any chance the two of them have of making a go of it. She already knows about you and she will be snooping on him to find out if you two are in touch. And she will find that information. At that point, she is likely to call it a day and end the relationship herself. She might forgive him once, but twice with the same woman is a lot to forgive.

 

See why I say you're in a very strong position?

[greengoddess]

I think you'll just know. You'll probably know for sure when he finally moves out, you two set up home together and they divide their assets through lawyers and she is no longer begging him for a second chance.

 

In the meantime if you continue to see him you will wreck any chance the two of them have of making a go of it. She already knows about you and she will be snooping on him to find out if you two are in touch. And she will find that information. At that point, she is likely to call it a day and end the relationship herself. She might forgive him once, but twice with the same woman is a lot to forgive.

 

See why I say you're in a very strong position?

 

oh geeez:sick: in other words he will never decide but you can still get this guy because the gf will decide for him.

[calliope]

He has to leave with his own place to live. Then you date. He doesn't get to move from one house to another. When he pays a six month year lease on a place then maybe it's more real. Right now he can go from soft landing to soft landing.

I get it.

 

He was going to get an apartment. We had no intention of living together yet. He had put his finances in order for the rent/deposit and made some calls on rentals. He hadn't found anything yet when I asked him what he was going to do because I was going to be gone for Xmas if he wasn't with me. He left the next day.

 

Did I force his hand too early? Was he headed in the right direction? Could this still happen?

[calliope]

I think you'll just know. You'll probably know for sure when he finally moves out, you two set up home together and they divide their assets through lawyers and she is no longer begging him for a second chance.

 

In the meantime if you continue to see him you will wreck any chance the two of them have of making a go of it. She already knows about you and she will be snooping on him to find out if you two are in touch. And she will find that information. At that point, she is likely to call it a day and end the relationship herself. She might forgive him once, but twice with the same woman is a lot to forgive.

 

See why I say you're in a very strong position?

She knows he'll continue to see me - we work together. It's shift work & we're not always on the same shift, but she has a copy of our schedules. She knows when we work together.

 

Since he told her about me the first time 6 wks ago she's been calling the office more frequently. When he's out of the office on a job, she'll ask who he's out with. Quite often it's been me. Quitting/transferring is not a real option for either of us.

 

After he told her 6 wks ago and he stayed with her, she thought we were over then. She found out 5 days ago that it had continued.

[Billie63]

oh geeez:sick: in other words he will never decide but you can still get this guy because the gf will decide for him.

 

Basically yes. If Calliope's MM is telling the whole truth, then this marriage has been doomed for years. MM did make his mind up but wifie managed to talk him round, based on years together and feeding his insecurity.

 

I honestly believe if a man doesn't want to end his marriage, there is no woman on earth who can talk or trick him into it.

 

If Caliope's MM continues to see her while 'working' on his marriage, I think we can safely say his heart isn't really in it surely?

[Billie63]

She knows he'll continue to see me - we work together. It's shift work & we're not always on the same shift, but she has a copy of our schedules. She knows when we work together.

 

Since he told her about me the first time 6 wks ago she's been calling the office more frequently. When he's out of the office on a job, she'll ask who he's out with. Quite often it's been me. Quitting/transferring is not a real option for either of us.

 

After he told her 6 wks ago and he stayed with her, she thought we were over then. She found out 5 days ago that it had continued.

 

Calliope does she think you see each other as colleagues at work or does she think you're sleeping together too?

[calliope]

Basically yes. If Calliope's MM is telling the whole truth, then this marriage has been doomed for years. MM did make his mind up but wifie managed to talk him round, based on years together and feeding his insecurity.

 

I honestly believe if a man doesn't want to end his marriage, there is no woman on earth who can talk or trick him into it.

 

If Caliope's MM continues to see her while 'working' on his marriage, I think we can safely say his heart isn't really in it surely?

I think she did talk him round. She left him alone 2 days and when she finally called Sunday morning he was sleep-deprived, hadn't eaten in a couple of days, was hungover from a work party (where he "outed" us) and he'd been feeling anxious earlier that morning. We talked for awhile about his anxiety that morning but he assured me he'd be fine so I went for a nap. I was asleep when she called. I think if I had been with him, the outcome may have been different, but who knows?

 

Last time he said he wanted to fix it and try to make it work only lasted 5 days til he told me it wasn't what he wanted.

[calliope]

Calliope does she think you see each other as colleagues at work or does she think you're sleeping together too?

She knows we were sleeping together too. She didn't know for sure until 6 wks ago.

[FanFan]

Two words for you: Rielle Hunter.

[Billie63]

I think she did talk him round. She left him alone 2 days and when she finally called Sunday morning he was sleep-deprived, hadn't eaten in a couple of days, was hungover from a work party (where he "outed" us) and he'd been feeling anxious earlier that morning. We talked for awhile about his anxiety that morning but he assured me he'd be fine so I went for a nap. I was asleep when she called. I think if I had been with him, the outcome may have been different, but who knows?

 

Last time he said he wanted to fix it and try to make it work only lasted 5 days til he told me it wasn't what he wanted.

 

Calliope he didn't go back because he was hungover, sleep deprived or hungry. He went back because she represents stability, she's a sure thing. He knows what he's getting with her.

 

Does he still want to see you on the side?

[Spark1111]

She knows we were sleeping together too. She didn't know for sure until 6 wks ago.

 

How do you know this?

[Spark1111]

Basically yes. If Calliope's MM is telling the whole truth, then this marriage has been doomed for years. MM did make his mind up but wifie managed to talk him round, based on years together and feeding his insecurity.

 

I honestly believe if a man doesn't want to end his marriage, there is no woman on earth who can talk or trick him into it.

 

If Caliope's MM continues to see her while 'working' on his marriage, I think we can safely say his heart isn't really in it surely?

 

Oh geez....

 

Every OW on the planet ASSUMES the BS is there trying to manipulate, feed insecurities, guilt the lying, cheating no-good MM into staying "for the sake of the children."

 

When so many of us fBS, especially after discovering they are still lying about their involvement with the AP, say "Go get her, and don't let the door hit you in the a** on the way out."

 

....and when they realize how much we mean it, come crawling, begging, pleading to come home.

 

And tell the OW, "I need to go work on my marriage. I have to give it one more shot."

 

It's from the affair script. Everyone knows that.

[2sure]

Six weeks ago he told her about me.

 

He didnt "tell her" he got caught by her.

We spoke afterwards & he said he wants to be with me and would do whatever he had to do.

Thats what he SAID.

He stayed at home that night, but the next day came to me and broke it off - he wanted to fix things at home & try to make it work. I was heartbroken and very confused.

He broke it off because he didnt want his wife to throw him out.

Here is is what he DID:

 

12 days later, he came back to me. He said he finally realized it's not going to get better at home and he's leaving there for good. Last Friday he told her he's leaving her for me.

He decided again to lie to both of you,

He got caught AGAIN and she threw him OUT

 

He came to my home that night with a bag in his hand. He was relaxed, happy and reassured me he was positive in his decision. We spent the next 2 days talking about our future and he kept telling me not to worry -- he's all in, he's not going to bail again...

Thats what he SAID

Here is what he DID:

Sunday morning he packed his bag and went back home again. Again, I'm devastated and confused....help?

 

I understand and sympathize with your hearbreak - he is a manipulating and selfish man. Your confusion..I dont understand...you explained it well in your first post. Its all there.

 

If you really believe he has told his wife what he has told you and not the COMPLETE Opposite...she would be calling you.

[Mimolicious]

At what cost? The old bag is gonna be Queen of England and never have to worry about paying the rent again. I think she's chuckling away to herself and couldn't give a stuff what the rest of us think.

 

And there's no doubt that Ole Big Ears does love her very much.

 

And at this point, even if he didn't not much he can do. Can he?

[calliope]

Calliope he didn't go back because he was hungover, sleep deprived or hungry. He went back because she represents stability, she's a sure thing. He knows what he's getting with her.

 

Does he still want to see you on the side?

All I meant by that was that when she got in touch with him he was at a low point and vulnerable and the stability factor was easy for him to latch onto.

 

I haven't spoken to him yet, but will tomorrow. Throughout we've never discussed still seeing each other on the side...it just always ended up happening starting through work then progressing back again.

[calliope]

How do you know this?

I know he told her. 6 wks ago she asked him if there was someone else and he said yes. She asked who it was and he told her it was me.

 

Last wk when he said he was leaving she asked if it was for me, he said partially, but also that he hadn't been happy for a long time. She knew he stayed with me. She also knew a few months ago that he had spent a couple of nights here, but he told her then that he just stayed on the sofa.

[Hazyhead]

calliope, I haven't managed to read your whole thread yet so I apologise if I'm off the mark (I'm pushing for time but will come back to it), so many of these situations play out the same way, this flip-flopping he does, he does it because he can. Who's stopping him? Who's laying down firm boundaries? I think a lot of OW are afraid to set boundaries and expectations because of the likelihood that MM won't meet them and then what? Don't be afraid to tell him what YOU want. If he doesn't match up... then is he really the man for you? Don't you deserve better?

[Spark1111]

I know he told her. 6 wks ago she asked him if there was someone else and he said yes. She asked who it was and he told her it was me.

 

Last wk when he said he was leaving she asked if it was for me, he said partially, but also that he hadn't been happy for a long time. She knew he stayed with me. She also knew a few months ago that he had spent a couple of nights here, but he told her then that he just stayed on the sofa.

 

 

So HE is the only source of your information re: what she knows or doesn't know?

[calliope]

calliope, I haven't managed to read your whole thread yet so I apologise if I'm off the mark (I'm pushing for time but will come back to it), so many of these situations play out the same way, this flip-flopping he does, he does it because he can. Who's stopping him? Who's laying down firm boundaries? I think a lot of OW are afraid to set boundaries and expectations because of the likelihood that MM won't meet them and then what? Don't be afraid to tell him what YOU want. If he doesn't match up... then is he really the man for you? Don't you deserve better?

You are absolutely right. Logically I know that.

 

I have set boundaries in the past and he always comes back stronger and does more to move us forward. And I always get sucked in again because I believe him.

 

This time I truly believed this was it.

[calliope]

So HE is the only source of your information re: what she knows or doesn't know?

He is, but he showed me an e-mail from a friend who contacted him after W changed her facebook status to "single" the day he left. The friend knew.

[pureinheart]

Hey Calliope.

 

I'm sorry, but this situation doesn't look good for you at all. Mainly because this guy is showing that he's so cowardly he can't even put his kids first and stand up for them against this woman - he's not gonna suddenly grow balls and stop being a coward enough to leave her for you.

 

I'm so amazed that he'd let some woman deprive him of his children - that really doesn't speak well for his character.

 

I know you love him, and I'm sorry to knock the man you love, but you need to consider the fact that he can't be strong enough to leaving her to have a relationship with his OWN children!!- so what really makes you think that he'd be strong enough to leave her to have a real relationship with you?

 

I'm sorry for your pain, but maybe you need to stop taking him back when he ditches you to stay with her.

 

I agree and don't get that either, and I'd like to put all the blame of manipulation on her, although he allowed it to happen. The reason I say this is because my daughters stepmother raised hell about her father paying child support...so he just didn't and it's because he chose to. He didn't visit or have the kids there (my daughter and my son, which was his stepson) because little miss "B" would throw a fit and he'd pay hell...but again HIS CHOICE.

Edited December 8, 2010 by pureinheart

[calliope]

I agree and don't get that either, and I'd like to put all the blame of manipulation on her, although he allowed it to happen. The reason I say this is because my daughters stepmother raised hell about her father paying child support...so he just didn't and it's because he chose to. He didn't visit or have the kids there (my daughter and my son, which was his stepson) because little miss "B" would throw a fit and he'd pay hell...but again HIS CHOICE.

Ultimately it was his choice. He's only now realizing and taking responsibility for it though. She made rules for his boys in their house and he enforced them. There was never a visitation contract with his x so the boys decided to never come to his house because they didn't have the same rules at their mother's house. He never took responsibility before for his own actions in letting them stay away, he is now.