Constantly checking her facebook

[bitteorca]

Hi,

 

I want help because I have split from my ex-girlfriend about 2 weeks ago. I was doing ok for about a week, and then some stuff happened over the weekend that i got pissed at. I'm ok, I just think I have stepped back slightly. Anyway, on to the topic of the post:

 

I constantly check her facebook. Although I am now in realisation that its fully over (well...realistically 90% realisation) and that it wasn't meant to be anyway, and that she wasn't my type anyway, etc etc. I still check her facebook like compulsively. I want to stop doing this because I KNOW it will just drag the healing process out longer than it would otherwise. I have deleted her number from my phone (but realistically, if she texts me then I know her last 3 digits and would know it was her, its just so I don't text her) but I don't want to delete her off my facebook. There are 2 main reasons for this:

 

First - although it wasn't the cleanest and mutual of break-ups, as we have argued about certain things since, I don't think it was by any means a messy break-up. There was no-one else involved (she said to me that she would probably just tell me, she is quite down-to-the-point!) and no cheating etc. We ended on relatively good-terms, saying that we don't regret any of the time together etc, before we argued this weekend about stuff. So it would be nice to keep her as a friend, once feelings have dissipated for her, then I could maybe just see how she's doing or like one of her links blah blah, you get the idea. I am friends with my other exes and it isn't a massive problem for me. I also don't want to burn bridges. I know she likes me, and I actually think she was right to dump me after what I said to her and the way we argued. I'm not saying I should keep her on there for false hope of getting back together, I need to move on, but I still think it would be burning a bridge, and a possible friendship (if only a very weak facebook-based friendship!)

 

Secondly - I think deleting someone off facebook shows them that you care far too much about it. Me and her only lasted for around 3 months. Deleting her off facebook would send the wrong message. I had a girl who I dated who deleted me off facebook, and I could tell she had done it because she still liked me. It might also even send the message that I hate her, when I don't.

 

But I still keep checking her facebook and setting myself back. I don't even find anything on there, no guys hitting her up, no flirty comments, etc. I just think its becoming a bit compulsive now, and it seems stupid. I know what she's doing constantly because of it, which is stupid, because she isn't my girlfriend any more, I shouldn't care what she's doing, and like I say, she isn't with any other guy or anything.

 

I think this is also probably a problem with just being on facebook too much in general. But when I have night-work like now, I have little to do and the temptation just gets too much.

 

So, without deleting her because of the above two reasons, what can I do to exercise some will-power? Any strategies? I have hidden her wallposts from my feed, but we all know that a visit to their profile displays all. Any suggestions on alternatives? When I'm stuck in an office with nothing to do with a computer in-front of me?

[davisc123]

Try to stay off facebook entirely for a couple of weeks? By the sounds of it I don't think you'll manage that though.

 

Tbh I can't see a whole lot of alternatives. You may have to swallow your pride and delete/block her. Be honest with her and explain the reason why, that way you're not burning your bridges.

 

It's not such a bad thing because although it would show her you are hung up on her, it also shows you are trying to move on. It was one of the best things I've done post break up.

[Leandro]

Try to stay off facebook entirely for a couple of weeks? By the sounds of it I don't think you'll manage that though.

 

Tbh I can't see a whole lot of alternatives. You may have to swallow your pride and delete/block her. Be honest with her and explain the reason why, that way you're not burning your bridges.

 

It's not such a bad thing because although it would show her you are hung up on her, it also shows you are trying to move on. It was one of the best things I've done post break up.

 

It shouldn't matter what she thinks. Do what will make you heal faster. I agree with the above poster. I deleted my account and it has helped me so much.

[SmileyGirl]

I agree with the above posters. Sometimes you need to do what's best for you and I REALLY think deleting her would be best for you.

 

My ex fiancee of 5 years and I had an AWFUL NASTY break up and have not spoken in nearly two years... he still until this day has me blocked. It's best for both of us. In fact, him blocking me when we broke up was the best thing he could have ever done for me as I couldn't constantly be looking at his facebook.

 

Good Luck to you!

[swfc_77]

de-activate your account and get out into the real world.

 

best thing i ever did, a really nice looking girl asked me if i had facebook and i replied " no i dont really have time for it"

 

her reply

 

"can i have your number then"

 

waste of time, invasion of space and privacy.

 

i deleted mine 8 months ago and i surf the web for an hour or 2 a day, i dont miss it one bit.

[bitteorca]

Thanks for your suggestions. I knew deleting would be the obvious response, but because of the two reasons I gave (don't want to repeat myself!), I just want to avoid doing that.

 

I think I just need to cut-down going on facebook in general. Look at something better on the internet, something more productive. Something to keep my mind off things. Facebook turns my mind into mush and I realise it is a waste of time when I could be being busy doing something better with my life...and once more, I don't even care about 80% of people on there or what they are doing. I think all of this is just habit I'm going to have to ween myself off, as if it were a drug! haha

[bestrong]

I didn't want to delete my ex-gf on facebook until it was too painful for me to look at her page, realising I am out of her life especially she is thousands miles away. I asked her to delete me, I wish I did that on my own, but sometimes you got to do what is for the best for you. You won't lose a friend because she isn't on your fb friendlist. If you don't want to delete her, you need to have a strong descipline and don't go on fb. Cheers.

[bitteorca]

to cut a long story short...I couldn't hack it in the end. I checked and saw something I didn't like. Asked her mate about it (tut tut bitteorca) and turns out it wasn't what I thought it was (a general problem with facebook about reading into things I suppose).....

 

But I have deleted her now. I obviously can't trust myself, and I would of have liked to have kept her as a friend, but I obviously can't at the moment, as it seems be getting messy-er every time I speak to her (we argue etc)

 

I got a text about 30mins after I deleted her. She obviously checks my profile. Her text was a bit off with me, seemed a bit p*ssed off, but I text her the basic reasons, got a text back, and ended up calling her (I hate texting things like this that need a proper explanation!). I basically told her that facebook was stupid in these contexts (break ups) and that I wanted to delete her so I basically didn't know what she was up to and all that. I also said that I wasn't doing it to be childish and that I don't hate her etc, but I just needed to do it mainly for myself.

 

I also said that I couldn't just be friends with her (I don't think she was expecting this anyway) because we were more, and she agreed with this, as I do think she still likes me (I won't go in to the break up too much, but I screwed up quite a bit! Also after she broke up with me I could of handled a few situations a lot better!). She just seemed to think it was a shame that we couldn't be friends on facebook (I said its a shame we broke up but we did!), and also mentioned that I was friends with my ex on facebook, but I explained that that was after quite a while anyway (and different circumstances etc).

 

I'm still not sure whether I've done the right thing, but I feel a bit better after talking to her about it (strangely...I thought it might set me back more), and at least I justified why I did it. Maybe I feel better because now I know I won't have to know what she is doing and I can truly start to move on. She is a heavy facebook user so having her on my facebook was kind of like having her around but in a cyber-way and knowing exactly what she was doing.

 

I will probably add her again when I'm over all this. Who knows, maybe I'll forget she even exists and not even think of adding her in the future! I'll approach that when I get there I suppose! I said to her that I probably would at some point, and also said that I wanted to be able to say hi and have a chat when we saw each other out and be civil, and that she knows my number and vice-versa, so just leaving it open. I basically said that facebook isn't the main means of communication, if she wants to talk she basically knows my number. But I just need to leave this now. Its dead. It was about 3 weeks ago, but facebook just seemed to prologue thinking about it all. Or at least magnified it

 

It just seems a shame. She has kept a picture of us on her facebook, which I thought was nice of her. Like she doesn't regret it (which she has said to me...she just doesn't think we would work out, etc). I do feel a bit childish removing her, but I suppose I have explained at least and now the healing process can start proper

 

Kind of glad I did it for myself I suppose. It might of added just a hint of control back to my life and this situation

[vandelay]

Good job, man. I know that was probably a tough decision, but I also know it will make you feel better. I quit looking at facebook a few days ago and it has really helped. I'm still a mess, but at least I'm not torturing myself every few hours by looking at her go on as if nothing happened. The fact is, facebook is pretty phony. Everyone tries to make their lives look great, and so it is easy to misjudge what is going on. Anyhow, good luck!

[bitteorca]

Good job, man. I know that was probably a tough decision, but I also know it will make you feel better. I quit looking at facebook a few days ago and it has really helped. I'm still a mess, but at least I'm not torturing myself every few hours by looking at her go on as if nothing happened. The fact is, facebook is pretty phony. Everyone tries to make their lives look great, and so it is easy to misjudge what is going on. Anyhow, good luck!

 

I agree that people try to make it look like they lead a full life on facebook, admittedly myself included. And also, things can be misjudged. Like in my situation, I got mad over a comment by one of her friends which could easily be conceived as her sleeping with/doing something with someone else. It turns out it wasn't that, it was something different, so that's a prime example. Although I sometimes struggle with the thought of her with someone else, I think I am coping pretty well in this department (especially when she is single...I think I am more at ease when an ex is with another bf, I suppose I feel rubbish when an ex is single and 'out there' because it makes me feel ashamed that I was with a sl*t...even if they aren't...if that makes sense!).

 

Also, the belief that she really wasn't right for me anyway is starting to sink in...I actually think we should of split up, else we would have in the near future. I suppose I am just dealing with feelings of rejection mostly, and also anxiety about finding someone who is right for me, and feelings of jealousy. All of which are actually nothing to do with my ex, but to do with me and my internal problems.

 

ANYWAY!...Good look with coping! things get better (around 1.5 years ago I split up with an ex who I was with for 3.5years, so I know the process!) and if it helps I would also advise deleting her off facebook. Like I said, it gives you a feeling of control in a context (being broken up with) where a lot of control is lost (over the situation, over your ex, over your emotions) so it might be beneficial. And it also obviously helps when getting them off your mind. Constant reminders of what someone is doing (the whole point of facebook) is the last thing you need when you are trying to move on from someone. I would be wary of just restraining yourself from checking, as I restrained myself from checking for a whole week, but as soon as I checked again I over-analysed a comment and sh*t-hit-the-fan!

 

Good luck!