Does it matter where I am from?

[yongyong]

so this has been bugging me for a while.

 

I am a foreigner. I've been living in this town for 7 years.

 

So I meet girls online, bars, coffee shops etc like normal people.

 

Since I am not white, they ask where I am from as their 1st question.

 

I used to say 'I am from this country'

 

since I've been here for a while, now I just say 'here'

 

of course, they will ask again 'where are you originally from' ,or 'did you grow up here?'

 

finally I say 'yeah this country'

 

then they will ask again 'do you have family here?'

 

Those are the questions they ask even before I get to know them.

 

Am I too sensitive?

should I do the same kind of background check?

(have you tried any drugs? any drug user in your family? are you on anti depressant?)

 

btw, I have a friend (not white) who was adopted when he was a baby.

 

He gets the same question and he gets mad when they say 'where are you originally from' just because he is not white.

 

well at least I wasn't born here but I feel bad for non-white people who grew up here because people are going to guess they came by a boat

[Perhaps]

I'm guessing you live in a small town or a somewhat isolated community. I live in a big multicultural city and well, I'm an immigrant too so I get asked that quite a bit.. by immigrants, residents, basically anyone. I don't find it offensive - in fact, I ask that question too.

 

It shouldn't matter where you're from or what your background is. Maybe that's just some people's way of trying to get to know you...

[TaraMaiden]

so this has been bugging me for a while.

 

I am a foreigner. I've been living in this town for 7 years.

 

So I meet girls online, bars, coffee shops etc like normal people.

 

Since I am not white, they ask where I am from as their 1st question.

 

I used to say 'I am from this country'

 

since I've been here for a while, now I just say 'here'

 

of course, they will ask again 'where are you originally from' ,or 'did you grow up here?'

 

finally I say 'yeah this country'

 

then they will ask again 'do you have family here?'

 

Those are the questions they ask even before I get to know them.

 

....

 

"Well, I was born here, but if you want to go back further, probably a cave, and my family were cave-dwellers too....

Is that back far enough?"

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

so this has been bugging me for a while.

 

I am a foreigner. I've been living in this town for 7 years.

 

So I meet girls online, bars, coffee shops etc like normal people.

 

Since I am not white, they ask where I am from as their 1st question.

 

I used to say 'I am from this country'

 

since I've been here for a while, now I just say 'here'

 

of course, they will ask again 'where are you originally from' ,or 'did you grow up here?'

 

finally I say 'yeah this country'

 

then they will ask again 'do you have family here?'

 

Those are the questions they ask even before I get to know them.

 

Am I too sensitive?

should I do the same kind of background check?

(have you tried any drugs? any drug user in your family? are you on anti depressant?)

 

 

 

 

Why bother talking to other humans at all with your attitude?

 

 

I mean, why limit yourself to "this country"? Why not tell them you're from "earth"?

 

And stop lying to people! (or is that part of your social approach - just setting them up to be lied to steadily in any future you might share?)

 

You meet girls online, in bars, and in coffee shops, and you are in conversation with them... at least have the common courtesy to give something to the conversations.

 

Even if the person right in front of you, asking what you have to expect are sincere questions, isn't the Cinderella with whom you'll spend the rest of your life, her friend nearby might be that person. At least exercise enough social sense to either

 

(a) Answer the questions truthfully

 

or

 

(b) Reply that you'd rather not answer, (rather than make up the lies)

[yongyong]

You are white right?

I learned that white people see everything from their point of view.

 

I didn't lie. I thought I lived in this town long enough.

I am sure even I live here another 50 years, I still won't have right to say 'I am from here' because I am not white right?

 

the thing that bothers me is that people (yes white peopel) assume you must be from somewhere else just because you look different.

 

I can't be mad as much as those minorities who were born here though.

 

Again, I don't have a problem when people simply ask 'where are you from'

Some idiots even say 'you are xxxx right? no? then xxxx? hm what are you then?

(It's like I say (you are American) 'you are canadian? hm Russian? then what are you')

 

I just feel uncomfortable if they keep asking more questions after 30 sec conversation.

(in my country, people ask what school you went, what your dad does, what town you live in to figure out your social level.

Of course I don't do that here since it will offend people)

 

 

 

 

 

Why bother talking to other humans at all with your attitude?

 

 

I mean, why limit yourself to "this country"? Why not tell them you're from "earth"?

 

And stop lying to people! (or is that part of your social approach - just setting them up to be lied to steadily in any future you might share?)

 

You meet girls online, in bars, and in coffee shops, and you are in conversation with them... at least have the common courtesy to give something to the conversations.

 

Even if the person right in front of you, asking what you have to expect are sincere questions, isn't the Cinderella with whom you'll spend the rest of your life, her friend nearby might be that person. At least exercise enough social sense to either

 

(a) Answer the questions truthfully

 

or

 

(b) Reply that you'd rather not answer, (rather than make up the lies)

[westrock]

so this has been bugging me for a while.

 

 

Why are you letting this bug you?

 

Use their enquiry to your advantage. When a woman (or anyone) asks these questions don't let it bug you, instead use it as a way to converse with them!

 

Next time a woman asks you where are you from, put a big smile on your face and answer like this:

 

"I'm originally from _______. I grew up in _____ and moved to this town 7 years ago. I love it here, but where I was born is beautiful too, I haven't been there since i was a kid. I'm hoping to go visit now that I'm older. Have you ever travelled there or in the area? What's your background?" (or something along those lines)

 

Now you have a perfect introduction to talk to her about travelling, the people, the music, the food, the culture... a whole variety of topics!

[Ometeotl]

Where are you from btw?

 

I was born in california then I moved to etc etc etc

 

Its a way of getting to know a person.

[yongyong]

I guess it Matters where I am originally from for dating.

 

After I messaged her 'I am from xxx', she didn't reply.

 

so I just asked her directly 'hey does it matter where I am from? I've been asked a lot' (I know, in this culture, you don't ask directly like that)

 

she said 'well I think it Doesn't Matter BUT we can have cultural differences in a relationship'

(which basically means I am not interested since you are not from U.S)

 

It's like I tell this fat girl

'hey you seem very sweet and down to earth but I am very busy with my career and don't have time for dating' instead of saying

'no offense but I prefer a person who maintains healthy lifestyle'

 

I just realized 'being from outside country' could be a huge handicap for dating

[Cee]

I live in a multicultural city so the only way I can tell someone is born elsewhere is by a person's accent. I do ask men where there are from because I am curious. And I want to learn about other countries.

 

I have dated men from other countries and have had good experiences. And I think they didn't feel uncomfortable with me. I've dated men from Spain, Chile, Ireland, Iran, and Turkey.

 

I have a friend from Nigeria who married a native born citizen. Him being African was never a problem with dating. He had plenty of girlfriends, but he was also handsome, funny, and charismatic.

 

I think you are missing an opportunity. Try talking to women and see where it leads. Even if you don't get a date, you can practice flirting.

[yongyong]

thanks for the sweet comment.

 

do you know why they want to know if I have my family here?

 

this is what I think

 

born here > immigrated here with a family > just by yourself

 

that's how I felt when I told them, I live here by myself and my family is in other country. (yeah I am not one of those who has to work hard to send money to their family. I get money from them )

 

 

 

 

I live in a multicultural city so the only way I can tell someone is born elsewhere is by a person's accent. I do ask men where there are from because I am curious. And I want to learn about other countries.

 

I have dated men from other countries and have had good experiences. And I think they didn't feel uncomfortable with me. I've dated men from Spain, Chile, Ireland, Iran, and Turkey.

 

I have a friend from Nigeria who married a native born citizen. Him being African was never a problem with dating. He had plenty of girlfriends, but he was also handsome, funny, and charismatic.

 

I think you are missing an opportunity. Try talking to women and see where it leads. Even if you don't get a date, you can practice flirting.

[lovelydemon]

I agree with the Op. I'm a foreigner too (been here also for 7 years

and I see it as a disadvantage in dating. I see a number of reasons for that:

- I'm a woman but even guys are looking to mate up nowadays, which is not gonna happen with me since I'm starting in this country from scratch and completely on my own

- They are prob afraid they'll be my only lifeline since I don't have many friends and have no family here at all.

 

I find it all funny actually cause I had no problems supporting myself until now and (unlike many people in my age group) have an excellent credit, nice savings account, etc.

I have to say, those type of questions that OP mentioned bug me too sometimes. But I don't let it get to me, chances are, people will never even remember what I said anyway.

Btw, I'm white, though I don't understand what it has to do with anything.

[westrock]

If you're so uncomfortable with the where are you from question, how do you react when they ask "what do you do for a living?" which everyone gets asked!

[Perhaps]

If you really don't like people asking, why don't you turn the question around.. like "I'm from America.. but you... you look Canadian" LOL or whatever nationality the people in your town take offense to

[SincereOnlineGuy]

You are white right?

I learned that white people see everything from their point of view.

 

I didn't lie. I thought I lived in this town long enough.

I am sure even I live here another 50 years, I still won't have right to say 'I am from here' because I am not white right?

 

the thing that bothers me is that people (yes white peopel) assume you must be from somewhere else just because you look different.

 

I can't be mad as much as those minorities who were born here though.

 

Again, I don't have a problem when people simply ask 'where are you from'

Some idiots even say 'you are xxxx right? no? then xxxx? hm what are you then?

(It's like I say (you are American) 'you are canadian? hm Russian? then what are you')

 

I just feel uncomfortable if they keep asking more questions after 30 sec conversation.

(in my country, people ask what school you went, what your dad does, what town you live in to figure out your social level.

Of course I don't do that here since it will offend people)

 

 

 

Dude, you're just not very bright. It has nothing to do with the color of your skin. Were you filled with this apparent white-envy, you wouldn't have been foolish enough to identify yourself in any other way online, when "everyone is white on the internet".

 

You simply CAN NOT be "from here" (after having lived here/there for 7 years) and still claim to have a "country".

 

Nobody in America runs around chiming about "MY country" when they truly believe that they share this country with everyone else.

 

Now STOP lying to people (or suffer further consequences of your own foolishness).

 

I mean, c'mon, you can sit around on the net for 6 months of wooing some wonderful woman in your city, sticking with the strong implication that you are white (even though it is never stated or discussed), but sooner or later, if ever you are to meet that woman, she's going to find out the truth.

 

Now legally and technically you'll get off the hook IF indeed the subject was never brought up by either of you, but it won't do you a damn bit of good when you didn't have enough common sense to inspire her mind to EXPECT exactly who was going to show up at her doorstep.

 

So go play around with the discrimination-related laws in the housing and work-related environments until your heart is content. But at least show enough common sense to understand that in the romance world, you simply will never fool anybody in terms of appearances. You can be six-foot-five on the internet, but it is never going to do you any good!

 

Why not instead begin with where you ARE, and try to get somewhere from that point, instead of SHOWING so much insecurity that the first thing others sense about you IS that insecurity.

 

And to have begun your response with something just as STUPID as that which you are lamenting, assures that you are your OWN problem.

[sid980]

Why are you letting this bug you?

 

Use their enquiry to your advantage. When a woman (or anyone) asks these questions don't let it bug you, instead use it as a way to converse with them!

 

Next time a woman asks you where are you from, put a big smile on your face and answer like this:

 

"I'm originally from _______. I grew up in _____ and moved to this town 7 years ago. I love it here, but where I was born is beautiful too, I haven't been there since i was a kid. I'm hoping to go visit now that I'm older. Have you ever travelled there or in the area? What's your background?" (or something along those lines)

 

Now you have a perfect introduction to talk to her about travelling, the people, the music, the food, the culture... a whole variety of topics!

 

^^ This!

 

It's called conversation.

[sid980]

the thing that bothers me is that people (yes white peopel) assume you must be from somewhere else just because you look different.

 

It doesn't mean we assume you "must be" from somewhere else, but chances are that if you get large groups of people from different ethnicities and ask them if they grew up in the current town or if they have family living elsewhere that you would notice differences in the answers.

 

BTW, I asked white people this too. It's an easy, minimally-invasive question. "Did you grow up around here?"