This could be why you can't just leave him

[Fieldsofgold]

(Sorry, this is long, but to me it was really interesting, and something worth exploring.)

 

*Qualifier: this is not addressing those of you who are happy and content in satisfying relationships.*

 

Over and over I read here posts by people who are in unhappy R's, who want to leave a difficult relationship - but leaving is harder and more painful than staying. A lot of times we are asking why, why can't we leave, why can't we stay away once we do leave? Why can't we let it go?

 

I am thinking that maybe traumatic bonding could be a factor.

 

I have been doing some reading about traumatic bonding, just skimming really, a number of sources, and what I read makes a lot of sense. I have read references to traumatic bonding on LS in reference to BS's. But what I have been reading elsewhere makes me think that sometimes there is an element of traumatic bonding in affair relationships, too.

 

Most of us think of trauma as a big, serious event. But the studies I have been reading indicate trauma can be the result of seemingly rather minor events that occur over a period of time, or occur in conjunction with other minor events over time. A trauma accumulation effect.

 

Here are eight ways it is suggested that people react to trauma: trauma reaction, trauma arousal, trauma blocking, trauma splitting, trauma abstinence, trauma shame, trauma repetition, trauma bonds.

 

As I researched each one of them, read studies and relevant blogs by individuals, I became more convinced of a connection.

 

Here is a brief quote about trauma bonding from one article:

 

"Exploitive relationships can create trauma bonds-chains that link a victim to someone who is dangerous to them. Divorce, employee relations, litigation of any type, incest and child abuse, family and marital systems, domestic violence, hostage negotiations, kidnapping, professional exploitation and religious abuse are all areas of trauma bonding. All these relationship share one thing: they are situations of incredible intensity or importance where there is an exploitation of trust or power."

 

(I think the bolded would certainly apply to some of the A relationships I read about on LS.)

 

"In The Betrayal Bond Patrick Carnes presents an in-depth study of these relationships, why they form, who is most susceptible, and how they become so powerful. He shows how to recognize when traumatic bonding has occurred and gives a checklist for examining relationships. He then provides steps to safely extricate from these relationships."

 

(I have not read the referenced book, so I'm not recommending it per se)

 

I'm just wondering if trauma bonding could have a role in why we get in, stay in, or can't leave, painful relationships.

[Spark1111]

I think this concept is very interesting.

 

How many posts here at LS start with a description of "I was lonely, down, in a difficult time in my life, when I met him/her...."

 

So it doesn't have to be one big traumatic event, just a series of small ones over time that creates vulnerability.

 

Sorta explains all the MM and their mid-life crises.

[jthorne]

So what is the suggested remedy, should traumatic bonding be the culprit?

[bentnotbroken]

Sounds like it maybe worth a look. I had already heard that relationships built on trauma don't last, but I had no idea if it were true or just conjecture.

[East7]

Interesting concept.

 

I think most of the A are not related to trauma-bonding but rather to an "empty-life" syndrome.

 

People are more likely to fall in love when they feel something is missing in their life (typically MM/MW but also APs) or when their "material life" is hard (financial problems, unemployment etc) thus they are more likely to find an emotional escape. As a result they develop an emotional availability, find a confident 'as a shoulder to lay on' who becomes quickly an emotional patch and follows as a AP or OP. We put our mindset in a condition of accepting new relationships, falling for someone and giving them a tremendous romantic meaning. Some people travel a lot to fill their inner emptiness, some dedicate all their energies to the job or hobbies, others fall in love

 

I don't believe that trauma makes us accept abusive relationships or A. It is more related to emotional emptiness. Trauma is to consider when abused persons stay in abusing relationships (because often they have a low self-esteem and think they don't deserve any better)

 

This is not really related but..,I strongly believe at "Hysterical bond" concept : After grieving periods all our spirit and mind crave for happiness and affection. Many MM/MW who go back to their spouses make up a big hysterical bond (sex, gifts, attention) but in reality it goes back very quickly to the old patterns. A "broken" relationship never gets better than before, it just survives (when both put a lot of efforts in it).

Some xAP will be in hysterical bond in another relationship and use it to "forget" the pain of the A.

Edited December 8, 2010 by East7

[ASPIE]

in my case it was a 'best yet' syndrome.

 

MM had 'settled' for a girl who needed him more than he needed her. He really didn't know there were people out there who were much more compatible with him in the way they thought, the things they liked to do, their sex life..

 

So his marriage was a never-ending compromise...and because of american culture and her strong character it was him compromising to meet her needs: She was so sure that she was right, and he was so open to differing shades of grey that she always got her way

 

after 25 years of her, he was genuinely surprised and delighted to meet me.... i had many intellectual ideas in common with him (which she would not allow discussed); i could support him even when i didn't agree with him.... I never used sex as reward/punishment... i validated his interests even if i couldn't understand them... i did not expect him to constantly to check in and report his movements.... i allowed him to have friends

 

and she had problems working out why he doesn't go back???

[Fieldsofgold]

in my case it was a 'best yet' syndrome.

 

MM had 'settled' for a girl who needed him more than he needed her. He really didn't know there were people out there who were much more compatible with him in the way they thought, the things they liked to do, their sex life..

 

So his marriage was a never-ending compromise...and because of american culture and her strong character it was him compromising to meet her needs: She was so sure that she was right, and he was so open to differing shades of grey that she always got her way

 

after 25 years of her, he was genuinely surprised and delighted to meet me.... i had many intellectual ideas in common with him (which she would not allow discussed); i could support him even when i didn't agree with him.... I never used sex as reward/punishment... i validated his interests even if i couldn't understand them... i did not expect him to constantly to check in and report his movements.... i allowed him to have friends

 

and she had problems working out why he doesn't go back???

 

As I said in my *Qualifier* in my opening post, this thread is not addressed to people like you/OWoman, and others who have found happiness in their A.

 

This thread is addressed to those who are in painful relationships but just can't seem to break away, or stay NC, even when their intellect tells them they need to get out, or when their heart tells them they just want to quit hurting, but they go back and get hurt some more.

 

I added the *Qualifier* at the beginning of my OP so that ow such as yourself and others would not thread jack the discussion by regaling us with antidotal evidence of how wonderful and fulfilling your relationships are. I am very happy for all of you who are happy, but it has nothing to do with the topic. Please do not T/J.

 

I also realize that this same information can apply to marriages, dating, or any other relationship where two people interact. But for the purposes of this discussion, on this forum, I have chosen to limit the discussion to Affairs. If anyone would like to borrow the topic ideas/information and start a thread in the Marriage or other forums, please feel free to do so. But for the purposes of THIS thread, please limit your comments to how the topic applies to affairs. Thank you.

 

This thread is for those who are NOT happy in their affair, and are wondering why they have a hard time walking away.

 

I have not had opportunity to closely study the ideas I am presenting - what I have read is work-related - but as I read through the material it occurred to me that it does relate to some of the affair relationships I read about here, and I thought it might be helpful to someone.

 

I have just read so many times on LS about relationships that are to varying degrees emotionally abusive, or where emotional support is sporadically unavailable from one AP and hurtful to the other, all levels of mild to not-so-mild emotional trauma are written about here. All the "he didn't call!" "He promised he'd leave by ... But he didn't." "He left, but went back for xxx reason."

 

Those things are traumatic. Waiting for him/her to call or spend time with you, waiting for him/her to return from the family vacation, wondering why he didn't call while he was away (was there no signal, or was he just fully investing with his W?), spending holidays and attending special events without him, not being able to talk to him when YOU need to, not being able to see him when YOU need him, wondering if he ever really will leave - these things are marginalizing to the AP, accumulatively traumatic. These A dynamics can constitute mild - and sometimes not so mild - emotional trauma. It accumulates. Then the various aspects of traumatic bonding kick in, and it is hard to make changes, even when you really wish you could.

 

If we consider that maybe it is trauma bonding that makes us stay in the hurtful relationship, *perhaps* rather than "true love," it might help AP's extract themselves from situations that are emotionally unhealthy and/or emotionally damaging to them.

 

It might also help explain why people get sucked into relationships that were bad from the beginning, but they didn't notice the red flags and stayed anyway.

 

Here is a link to an article about trauma repetition.:

 

http://www.cirp.org/library/psych/vanderkolk/

 

 

It presents some excellent information about why people return to emotionally hurtful situations, such as some A's are.

 

I would think that recognizing the issues and behaviors emotional trauma can create, instead of thinking "we must really love each other and that's why we can't stay apart even though it hurts," would be helpful in seeking beneficial therapy to address the issues in the current R, and to avoid a repeat in future relationships.

 

I think looking at the trauma bond link would be especially beneficial for anyone who has found him/herself in more than one painful or abusive R.

Edited December 8, 2010 by Fieldsofgold

[Snowflower]

Interesting concept.

 

I think most of the A are not related to trauma-bonding but rather to an "empty-life" syndrome.

 

People are more likely to fall in love when they feel something is missing in their life (typically MM/MW but also APs) or when their "material life" is hard (financial problems, unemployment etc) thus they are more likely to find an emotional escape. As a result they develop an emotional availability, find a confident 'as a shoulder to lay on' who becomes quickly an emotional patch and follows as a AP or OP. We put our mindset in a condition of accepting new relationships, falling for someone and giving them a tremendous romantic meaning. Some people travel a lot to fill their inner emptiness, some dedicate all their energies to the job or hobbies, others fall in love

 

And some MP do all these things described above (or other similar pursuits), gradually working up to the destructive decision to have an affair.

 

But, well said.

 

 

 

This is not really related but..,I strongly believe at "Hysterical bond" concept : After grieving periods all our spirit and mind crave for happiness and affection. Many MM/MW who go back to their spouses make up a big hysterical bond (sex, gifts, attention) but in reality it goes back very quickly to the old patterns. A "broken" relationship never gets better than before, it just survives (when both put a lot of efforts in it).

Some xAP will be in hysterical bond in another relationship and use it to "forget" the pain of the A.

 

Really...so no relationship can ever be made better, even when both partners put a lot of effort into it?

 

That's sad.

[Angel1111]

Very interesting concept. I've heard this term used in abusive relationships but never thought of it in terms of other types of unhealthy relationships. It makes sense, though.

 

Look at me, for example. I didn't grow up in an abusive home at all but when I was about 8 yrs old, my parents joined a cultish religion (Jehovah's Witnesses) and this religion, I believe, had a strong, negative influence on my life. I left the religion in my mid-20's but it made its mark on me. It was very confining and controlling and these have been ongoing themes in my life and relationships. My last marriage was with a very controlling, verbally abusive guy and this is where I learned about traumatic bonding through reading about these relationships. Shortly after I left him and we divorced, I met xMM -- who happens to be the owner of the company I work for. There's the exploitive issue, and abuse of trust and power. Dead on.

[Spark1111]

And some MP do all these things described above (or other similar pursuits), gradually working up to the destructive decision to have an affair.

 

But, well said.

 

 

 

Really...so no relationship can ever be made better, even when both partners put a lot of effort into it?

 

That's sad.

 

Snow, I agree with you.

 

And our RELATIONSHIP wasn't broken! He was!

[Angel1111]

Adding to what I wrote above: I failed to mention that when I left the religion, I basically lost my whole family - aunts, uncles, cousins, sisters - and started my whole life over. My parents didn't disown me like they were supposed to (according to the religion) but I believe this was the traumatic turning point for me. The religion sends the ultimate message of conditional love -- "do what we say, or you're out forever".

[East7]

Really...so no relationship can ever be made better, even when both partners put a lot of effort into it?

 

That's sad.

 

Snow, I agree with you.

 

And our RELATIONSHIP wasn't broken! He was!

 

I was saying that I don't believe a marriage can be better after an A !

 

It will survive, why not, but better no. Too much guilt, broken trust, scars etc etc...

 

I respect all the BS that have chosen to save their M, but to come here and tell that they are happier than before, I just don't buy it ! Sorry..

[Snowflower]

I was saying that I don't believe a marriage can be better after an A !

 

It will survive, why not, but better no. Too much guilt, broken trust, scars etc etc...

 

I respect all the BS that have chosen to save their M, but to come here and tell that they are happier than before, I just don't buy it ! Sorry..

 

Thanks for explaining! I respect your stance and a few years ago I would have probably agreed to some extent. It simply doesn't make sense that a relationship would be stronger or better after such a betrayal.

 

Experience has taught me differently though. I won't try to convince you otherwise because you have made up your mind

 

So apparently any BS who have chosen to save their marriage (like me) are just lying about it or deluded about their life.

 

But, I am threadjacking. Sorry FOG, I'm done.

[Fieldsofgold]

Interesting concept.

 

I think most of the A are not related to trauma-bonding but rather to an "empty-life" syndrome.

 

People are more likely to fall in love when they feel something is missing in their life (typically MM/MW but also APs) or when their "material life" is hard (financial problems, unemployment etc) thus they are more likely to find an emotional escape. As a result they develop an emotional availability, find a confident 'as a shoulder to lay on' who becomes quickly an emotional patch and follows as a AP or OP. We put our mindset in a condition of accepting new relationships, falling for someone and giving them a tremendous romantic meaning. Some people travel a lot to fill their inner emptiness, some dedicate all their energies to the job or hobbies, others fall in love

 

I don't believe that trauma makes us accept abusive relationships or A. It is more related to emotional emptiness. Trauma is to consider when abused persons stay in abusing relationships (because often they have a low self-esteem and think they don't deserve any better)

 

This is not really related but..,I strongly believe at "Hysterical bond" concept : After grieving periods all our spirit and mind crave for happiness and affection. Many MM/MW who go back to their spouses make up a big hysterical bond (sex, gifts, attention) but in reality it goes back very quickly to the old patterns. A "broken" relationship never gets better than before, it just survives (when both put a lot of efforts in it).

Some xAP will be in hysterical bond in another relationship and use it to "forget" the pain of the A.

 

You are entitled to your opinion, but so far these past few weeks, every psychiatrist, psycholgist, and researcher I have read totally disagrees with you.

[WTFBBQ]

and she had problems working out why he doesn't go back???

Maybe why Thanksgiving was so difficult for you.

[Hazyhead]

I can see where this could link, FoG. Hadn't thought of it that way. In my situation, the affair started at the most traumatic time of my life, for various reasons, and instead of deal with them effectively, I sought solace in him. It was easier and far more pleasant. At that point in time.

 

You can't run forever, right?

[newpriorities]

 

Those things are traumatic. Waiting for him/her to call or spend time with you, waiting for him/her to return from the family vacation, wondering why he didn't call while he was away (was there no signal, or was he just fully investing with his W?), spending holidays and attending special events without him, not being able to talk to him when YOU need to, not being able to see him when YOU need him, wondering if he ever really will leave - these things are marginalizing to the AP, accumulatively traumatic. These A dynamics can constitute mild - and sometimes not so mild - emotional trauma. It accumulates. Then the various aspects of traumatic bonding kick in, and it is hard to make changes, even when you really wish you could.

 

If we consider that maybe it is trauma bonding that makes us stay in the hurtful relationship, *perhaps* rather than "true love," it might help AP's extract themselves from situations that are emotionally unhealthy and/or emotionally damaging to them.

 

 

 

Wow, FOG--thank you so very much for taking the time to think this through and post. I too have wondered about this. I, and so many others, have posted something along the lines of, "I used to be such a strong, independent woman, now I have no sense of control, I've become dysfunctional in this relationship, I can't believe I accept such crumbs etc." At first I too thought it was, "true love" but a month or two ago, I realized that this could not possibly be the case. True love doesn't involve sneaking, lying, feeling marginalized etc. BUT I could not figure out what "IT" was? I thought it was some type of addiction, but that didn't quite fit either. Perhaps you have really named it. In my case, my 20 yr. marriage was falling apart, my H was emotionally hurtful towards me and had been for the past 10 years as he struggled with depression. So while it wasn't really his "fault," living with it definitely took it's toll on me, so I chose to alleviate my pain through an A. In the beginning I thought the A was literally saving me from feeling so awful about myself (the trauma of the past 10 years) but then, I really do think the accumulating trauma of the A took me further into an unhealthy place and from there it spiraled.

I am definitely going to look into this further so thank you!

[Fieldsofgold]

So what is the suggested remedy, should traumatic bonding be the culprit?

 

I don't know for sure. I would think first, to recognize that putting up with crap treatment, marginalization, and having your own emotional needs frequently ignored, is not healthy and nurturing, is not about love and respect, but is about being mistreated and accepting subtle forms of abuse.

 

Second step, I would think, would be to realize the harm and danger, both long-term and immediate, of putting up with mistreatment and abuse.

 

Third step, I would think, after realizing that the A is not healthy or nurturing, would be to get out of it, and get whatever professional help necessary to deal with breaking the cycle of abuse, so that one can move on to healthy living and healthy relationships. That would be my approach.

[Fieldsofgold]

I think this concept is very interesting.

 

How many posts here at LS start with a description of "I was lonely, down, in a difficult time in my life, when I met him/her...."

 

So it doesn't have to be one big traumatic event, just a series of small ones over time that creates vulnerability.

 

Sorta explains all the MM and their mid-life crises.

 

I would take it a step further, and say that even if an A did not start out as a result of traumatic bonding, it is my opinion that trauma almost always occurs in an A. (excluding the BS for purposes of this thread) it is my opinion that the AP at some point nearly always endures some form of negligence/trauma as a direct result of being in an A.

 

As I mentioned earlier, the waiting for a phone call, wondering when he will see you, the fear of getting caught, backlash from spouse, family, children, friends, job, should D-Day occur. Wondering if he is lying to you about his M, wondering if he will ever be with you. Needing him, but not being able to be with him, the pain of being thrown under the bus. The stress. The intensity of emotion. The intermittent and often unpredictable neglect. Little to no control over the outcome of the situation. The imbalance of power.

 

To me, based on what I read here, there are a lot of elements of trauma in being an AP. Ironic, when A's are supposed to be about love!

 

Traumatic bonding, so the experts say, is supposed to be a very powerful bond.

 

I wonder sometimes when people are advised to "follow their heart," - are they "following their heart" to love, or to traumatic bonding? I would think for the one involved in the affair, it would be very hard to discern between the two. My guess would be - based on the dynamics of the affairs I read about here - they almost always involve an element of traumatic bonding. I say that, because, based on what I read here, while the A may feel like The Great Love Story, there are many elements that are not healthy or nurturing.

[MorningCoffee]

I would take it a step further, and say that even if an A did not start out as a result of traumatic bonding, it is my opinion that trauma almost always occurs in an A. (excluding the BS for purposes of this thread) it is my opinion that the AP at some point nearly always endures some form of negligence/trauma as a direct result of being in an A.

 

As I mentioned earlier, the waiting for a phone call, wondering when he will see you, the fear of getting caught, backlash from spouse, family, children, friends, job, should D-Day occur. Wondering if he is lying to you about his M, wondering if he will ever be with you. Needing him, but not being able to be with him, the pain of being thrown under the bus. The stress. The intensity of emotion. The intermittent and often unpredictable neglect. Little to no control over the outcome of the situation. The imbalance of power.

 

To me, based on what I read here, there are a lot of elements of trauma in being an AP. Ironic, when A's are supposed to be about love!

 

Traumatic bonding, so the experts say, is supposed to be a very powerful bond.

 

I wonder sometimes when people are advised to "follow their heart," - are they "following their heart" to love, or to traumatic bonding? I would think for the one involved in the affair, it would be very hard to discern between the two. My guess would be - based on the dynamics of the affairs I read about here - they almost always involve an element of traumatic bonding. I say that, because, based on what I read here, while the A may feel like The Great Love Story, there are many elements that are not healthy or nurturing.

 

This makes a lot of sense to me, as a framework for understanding how so many people, myself included, who are otherwise mature, strong, independent, intelligent and who have fulfilled many responsibilities to others in their life in an ethical manner, etc., can get so caught up in an affair, of all things! And have such a difficult time coping with it while in it, and letting go of the ex-AP when it is over.

 

Thank you.

[Fieldsofgold]

This makes a lot of sense to me, as a framework for understanding how so many people, myself included, who are otherwise mature, strong, independent, intelligent and who have fulfilled many responsibilities to others in their life in an ethical manner, etc., can get so caught up in an affair, of all things! And have such a difficult time coping with it while in it, and letting go of the ex-AP when it is over.

 

Thank you.

 

Thank you. You get what I'm saying.

[pureinheart]

Excellent FOG, I am glad to see a more open acceptance of this theory, and agree completely...

 

This makes me very happy because about a year ago me and another poster brought this concept up and most dismissed it, and the others said it was just another psychological excuse.

 

Traumatic Bonding is very real, it's also used on kidnap victims...thanks FOG:)

[Fieldsofgold]

Excellent FOG, I am glad to see a more open acceptance of this theory, and agree completely...

 

This makes me very happy because about a year ago me and another poster brought this concept up and most dismissed it, and the others said it was just another psychological excuse.

 

Traumatic Bonding is very real, it's also used on kidnap victims...thanks FOG:)

 

Glad you get it, Pure.

 

I don't see traumatic bonding as an excuse to justify having an affair. I think if people can be educated as to the traumatic/neglect/abuse aspects of an affair - not just for the BS but for the AP as well, it could motivate people to avoid them in the first place.

 

Also, if a person has been in an abusive/traumatic/negligent relationship in the past, they can be on alert to avoid another potential type of trauma - an affair.

 

If a person is already in an affair, and hurting, but having a hard time walking away, it could give them something solid to work toward, namely recognizing the difference between nurturing love and traumatic bonding, and they could possibly get more beneficial, appropriately directed help and therapy in getting out and getting over it. That would beat the white-knuckle NC that people struggle with so much here.

 

I see recognizing traumatic bonding as anything but an excuse to have an affair. I see it as a tool to help avoid or get out of a hurtful situation.

 

I think a lot of AP do confuse traumatic bonding with love. Recognizing it for what it is, could potentially save a lot of AP a lot of years, a lot of pain, and a lot of damage to their esteem.

[redcurls]

This is it. This is why I can't let go of him. He is a lier, I know it, and he knows that I know it - still, he continues to lie. Blatently, to my face, without flinching. He ignores me for days, constantly telling me that our relationship is the worse thing that ever happened to him... Constantly asking me to let him go (only to come up with excuses to keep communicating with me)... Constantly telling me how much stronger his bond is with his wife... How he wants to "do what's morally right" and end our relationship...

 

He does all that - and worse. And I keep coming back for more. I put up with all of this, and I keep chasing him. I'm so ashamed. Now I know why. Now I know why a highly educated, successful, very intelligent, attractive woman will let an unworthy man do this to her. Now this crazy sickness has a name.

 

 

Thank you.

[Fieldsofgold]

This is it. This is why I can't let go of him. He is a lier, I know it, and he knows that I know it - still, he continues to lie. Blatently, to my face, without flinching. He ignores me for days, constantly telling me that our relationship is the worse thing that ever happened to him... Constantly asking me to let him go (only to come up with excuses to keep communicating with me)... Constantly telling me how much stronger his bond is with his wife... How he wants to "do what's morally right" and end our relationship...

 

He does all that - and worse. And I keep coming back for more. I put up with all of this, and I keep chasing him. I'm so ashamed. Now I know why. Now I know why a highly educated, successful, very intelligent, attractive woman will let an unworthy man do this to her. Now this crazy sickness has a name.

 

 

Thank you.

 

It has a name alright, and it ain't "love."

 

While I was reading all the documents and studies, I really felt like I had an epiphany about affairs, how they are a form of abuse both to the BS and to the AP, and why they are sometimes so hard to leave.

 

Reading your post brought tears to my eyes. I'm glad you are able to see your R for what it is. Now maybe you can get some appropriately-directed counselling or other support to help you break free from it. Read books and studies about it. Focus on pursuing your healing with the same energy and perseverance you have used to hang on in that abusive R. The important thing is that you get out, and heal, so that you can have a good, nurturing, truly loving relationship.