This could be why you can't just leave him

[Fieldsofgold]

Yeah. He has done his own share of uglies. And he IS a pathological lier. I suspect it stems from his dynamics at home, but the reasons are not relevant to his relationships with ME.

 

xMM. Yes. I think you're right. Can it be?

 

No telling what kind of pathological childhood is making him tick. And you're right. It has nothing to do with you or your R. You didn't make him that way, and you can't fix him. We can only fix ourselves.

 

And yes, I think you are breaking free from the pain that has been your R with xMM. I could really hear your pain in your posts. It is the end, or certainly it is the beginning of the end of it. He may not want to let it go, but I think now that your eyes are opened, you can't stay there long.

[redcurls]

He may not want to let it go, but I think now that your eyes are opened, you can't stay there long.

 

He WILL let it go.I' m a bad OW. I call him out on his bulls**t - yet I kept coming back for more???? UGH.

 

I have my gigantic baggage, he has his. Two wrongs don't make a right.

[Fieldsofgold]

Not claiming to be an expert myself, but I've been doing extensive research and reading on the dynamics of infidelity, abusive relationships,& FOO (family of Origin) issues.

 

I keep seeing recurring themes........

 

For example,have you ever known someone in your life that went through several bad relationships? They kept rejecting the one's who treated them well, and fixated on the one who mistreated them , or was unavailable?Couldn't get that one person out of their head?

 

(*raising my own hand, sheepishly*--that was me years ago)

 

There is a common theory that it's an attempt to heal an early childhood wound---which may have been imprinted even before a sense of conscious identity is fully developed.

 

Imagine a young toddler experiencing rejection--reaching out for a parent , only to be rebuked, for whatever reason..(Daddy's going to work, Mommy's too busy right now...)

 

If that child feels rejected too often, if love and affection, praise are withheld--they will alter their behavior in an effort to get those fundamental needs met. To feel securely loved, accepted...........

 

A very young child doesn't have the tools to rationalize rejection.Being that dependent on a parent for survival--repeated rejection could be viewed in the young mind as a threat to survival. So love must be won, at any cost!!!

This can etch the deepest grooves into the tissues of a developing psyche.

And our thought patterns can easily slip into and run merrily along in those well-greased, established grooves.It takes work, and conscious effort not to get stuck in those grooves, and forge new pathways of thought.

 

These same dramas keep repeating--from ALL positions of the triangle.

 

I'm speculating that in some cases--the type of OW/OM who deliberately sets out to interlope on an already established relationship is actually reenacting a childhood drama of sibling rivalry or competing with mommy for daddy's attention.Or vice versa....

 

Or the WS--rebelling in teenage style fashion ("You can't tell me who I can or can't be friends with!!!") setting up the BS to fill the role of the mean parent that they want to "get back at..'.(I'll show YOU!")

 

Or the BS who stays with a serial cheater--has he/she become so ingrained to being abused (serial cheating IS abuse, IMO)because that's all he/she has ever known?It's familiar, therefore comfortable?

 

I know there are some who will scoff at these theories as pop psychology--but they make sense to my sense of logic.

 

These light bulb moments going off for several posters in this thread--well, it's happened to me , too.I've only recently started on my own Emotional Archeological Dig---whoo boy! It's pretty amazing when you start playing connect the dots..........

 

hmmm. I just had a big, personal revelation (another one). Can't share it here, but, thank you very much!

[Fieldsofgold]

He WILL let it go.I' m a bad OW. I call him out on his bulls**t - yet I kept coming back for more???? UGH.

 

I have my gigantic baggage, he has his. Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

Yep, I'm hearing enough anger in your post, I think he WILL let it go, too! That's good. Anger's a good thing sometimes.

 

I think you're a very strong woman. I believe what you've endured proves that.

 

It's good that you have that strength.

[MorningCoffee]

Not claiming to be an expert myself, but I've been doing extensive research and reading on the dynamics of infidelity, abusive relationships,& FOO (family of Origin) issues.

 

I keep seeing recurring themes........

 

[snip] . . .

 

Or the WS--rebelling in teenage style fashion ("You can't tell me who I can or can't be friends with!!!") setting up the BS to fill the role of the mean parent that they want to "get back at..'.(I'll show YOU!")

WOW! Talk about light bulbs going off. The bolded brought to mind something ex-AP/MW had said to me, while still in the EA before it got physical. Sharing her frustrations with her M, she said talking with her husband about how unhappy she was in the M just wasn't going to do it. She was going to have to SHOW him.

 

Next, we talked about where that was leading us -- to a full-blown affair -- and we both went right ahead and took the plunge over the next few weeks into the PA.

 

So maybe that rebellion thing was her dynamic, whereas mine was getting the love I wanted from an "unavailable" person, as I described earlier.

 

Fascinating too that, as I posted on a thread elsewhere, I had heard a therapist say that one reason why the affair bond is so strong, and why ties to people who are really wrong for us can be so strong, is first, how seductive to US such people can be, and second, how perfectly our respective dysfunctions mesh. We get locked into this revolving cycle of reinforcement.

 

Seems an accurate description of my A dynamic to me. Interesting stuff!

[Fieldsofgold]

WOW! Talk about light bulbs going off. The bolded brought to mind something ex-AP/MW had said to me, while still in the EA before it got physical. Sharing her frustrations with her M, she said talking with her husband about how unhappy she was in the M just wasn't going to do it. She was going to have to SHOW him.

 

Next, we talked about where that was leading us -- to a full-blown affair -- and we both went right ahead and took the plunge over the next few weeks into the PA.

 

So maybe that rebellion thing was her dynamic, whereas mine was getting the love I wanted from an "unavailable" person, as I described earlier.

 

Fascinating too that, as I posted on a thread elsewhere, I had heard a therapist say that one reason why the affair bond is so strong, and why ties to people who are really wrong for us can be so strong, is first, how seductive to US such people can be, and second, how perfectly our respective dysfunctions mesh. We get locked into this revolving cycle of reinforcement.

 

Seems an accurate description of my A dynamic to me. Interesting stuff!

 

OMG! OMG! OMG! YES!!!

 

And the "how well our dysfunctions mesh"!

[redcurls]

Warning - Sarcasm alert!

 

So its not the unbelievable chemistry. Not the out-of-this-world sexual connection. Its not the intellectual similarities. None of these. Its the combined DYSFUNCTIONS in both of us that created this explosion.

 

How romantic!

[freestyle]

WOW! Talk about light bulbs going off. The bolded brought to mind something ex-AP/MW had said to me, while still in the EA before it got physical. Sharing her frustrations with her M, she said talking with her husband about how unhappy she was in the M just wasn't going to do it. She was going to have to SHOW him.

 

Next, we talked about where that was leading us -- to a full-blown affair -- and we both went right ahead and took the plunge over the next few weeks into the PA.

 

So maybe that rebellion thing was her dynamic, whereas mine was getting the love I wanted from an "unavailable" person, as I described earlier.

 

Fascinating too that, as I posted on a thread elsewhere, I had heard a therapist say that one reason why the affair bond is so strong, and why ties to people who are really wrong for us can be so strong, is first, how seductive to US such people can be, and second, how perfectly our respective dysfunctions mesh. We get locked into this revolving cycle of reinforcement.

 

Seems an accurate description of my A dynamic to me. Interesting stuff!

 

it does sound like you & your AP's needs(dysfunctions) dovetailed at that time.

 

It makes perfect sense when you step away and look at it from a wider perspective.It's so hard to see it when you're in the middle of it, though.

Essentially your AP used you as a weapon, to club her BH over the head with, to get his attention.(and punish him, perhaps?)

 

And in my story, my SO who had treated me like a queen ( and I treated him like a king)........

 

Suddenly began to treat me like the "Mean Mommy" who he had to rebel against when he became enmeshed in an EA. He began to attribute attitudes to me that were light years from who I am, and what I believe.

[BB07]

Warning - Sarcasm alert!

 

So its not the unbelievable chemistry. Not the out-of-this-world sexual connection. Its not the intellectual similarities. None of these. Its the combined DYSFUNCTIONS in both of us that created this explosion.

 

How romantic!

 

I DO like your sarcasm!

 

And.........I do believe in my case it was the combined dysfunction that created the attraction to start with. I've always found attraction difficult to explain because for me I'd never been able to define it like most other people seem to. So.....it's hidden, kinda primal in a way when dysfunction is at the root of it??

[Fieldsofgold]

Warning - Sarcasm alert!

 

So its not the unbelievable chemistry. Not the out-of-this-world sexual connection. Its not the intellectual similarities. None of these. Its the combined DYSFUNCTIONS in both of us that created this explosion.

 

How romantic!

 

You made me laugh out loud!

[MorningCoffee]

it does sound like you & your AP's needs(dysfunctions) dovetailed at that time.

 

It makes perfect sense when you step away and look at it from a wider perspective.It's so hard to see it when you're in the middle of it, though.

Essentially your AP used you as a weapon, to club her BH over the head with, to get his attention.(and punish him, perhaps?)

 

And in my story, my SO who had treated me like a queen ( and I treated him like a king)........

 

Suddenly began to treat me like the "Mean Mommy" who he had to rebel against when he became enmeshed in an EA. He began to attribute attitudes to me that were light years from who I am, and what I believe.

 

Yes, the WS does seem to often alter their perception and rewrite the history of their M and their BS. Sounds like you became "Mean Mommy" in SO's eyes so as to provide SO with some emotional justification? Thus leading to poorer treatment of you?

 

In my case, I think (based on what she shared as we got acquainted and then entered into the EA part) she had begun altering that perception and resenting him at least a couple years before I even met her, as their M seems to have been troubled for some time.

 

The bolded: Yes, which helps explain why she made sure to rub his nose in the fact that she was spending so much time with me. She just withheld the truth about the PA part until he finally confronted her months into our A/R.

[Fieldsofgold]

Yes, the WS does seem to often alter their perception and rewrite the history of their M and their BS. Sounds like you became "Mean Mommy" in SO's eyes so as to provide SO with some emotional justification? Thus leading to poorer treatment of you?

 

In my case, I think (based on what she shared as we got acquainted and then entered into the EA part) she had begun altering that perception and resenting him at least a couple years before I even met her, as their M seems to have been troubled for some time.

 

The bolded: Yes, which helps explain why she made sure to rub his nose in the fact that she was spending so much time with me. She just withheld the truth about the PA part until he finally confronted her months into our A/R.

 

As I wS reading this, I thought what an awful, game-playing woman. Bu IRL, she obviously presented herself as nice enough a person for you to care about her.

 

Shame we can't just gettye Cliff Notes version on folks to start with! It'd sure save us all a lot of heartache.

 

On another note - and of course I don't know what led up to her having an affair, not gonna try to judge that - bit she definitely was abusive to her H as described above.

[freestyle]

Yes, the WS does seem to often alter their perception and rewrite the history of their M and their BS. Sounds like you became "Mean Mommy" in SO's eyes so as to provide SO with some emotional justification? Thus leading to poorer treatment of you?

 

In my case, I think (based on what she shared as we got acquainted and then entered into the EA part) she had begun altering that perception and resenting him at least a couple years before I even met her, as their M seems to have been troubled for some time.

 

The bolded: Yes, which helps explain why she made sure to rub his nose in the fact that she was spending so much time with me. She just withheld the truth about the PA part until he finally confronted her months into our A/R.

 

 

yep, emotional justification. Also known as guilt deflection.

 

The sad part was, I had no issues with him having a female friend, I trusted him implicitly. Plus , one of my closest friends was/is a man , and it truly is platonic, our friendship is based on mutual interests, as well as working together occasionally. ( and many years in the same social circle)

 

So I wasn't being jealous, or controlling---but I ended up being painted that way. I wasn't even suspicious that anything was inappropriate until I met the OW, who was hostile and combative with me from the get-go.

(but not in front of my SO) She actually had the audacity to pull to the side to lecture me about how I "wasn't really compatible with my guy, I could never really understand him"...etc.,ad nauseum...

all the very first time I ever even met her!She didn't know me from a can of paint, but she was going to lecture me, and accuse me of not understanding???The absurdity is mind-boggling..........

 

But I had zero suspicions before that first encounter.......and I waited and observed, before I ever confronted my SO about that friendship.

 

And I got the knee-jerk reaction from him at first....

 

"What? Don't you want me to have any friends??....It took a long time before he could see that she was indeed trying to drive a wedge between us.Turns out she pulled him to the side , also.(junior high revisited)

 

somebody was indeed playing puppet master, but it wasn't me.........She was the classic poaching type of AP, which I don't believe is the norm.

 

Before my SO came out of the fog ( he very nearly lost me entirely)--I believe both he and the OW were reenacting the "punish mommy" drama.

[NoIDidn't]

Warning - Sarcasm alert!

 

So its not the unbelievable chemistry. Not the out-of-this-world sexual connection. Its not the intellectual similarities. None of these. Its the combined DYSFUNCTIONS in both of us that created this explosion.

 

How romantic!

 

Summed up well though.

 

Even with sarcasm.

 

And it works that way even for those that swear its a "lifestyle" choice. Its a function of something deeper. A person needn't be emotionally or mentally unstable to have dysfunction in their lives.

[redcurls]

I can't send you a PM (too new here, I guess) but I wanted to express my gratitude. It very well may be that you have saved my life. I mean it. Today was the first day in the last 12 months that I didn't wish for him to contact me, in fact - I turned my phone off (I haven't done this since the day I met him.) I will be free of this toxicity, and its all because you have opened my eyes.

 

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

[Fieldsofgold]

I can't send you a PM (too new here, I guess) but I wanted to express my gratitude. It very well may be that you have saved my life. I mean it. Today was the first day in the last 12 months that I didn't wish for him to contact me, in fact - I turned my phone off (I haven't done this since the day I met him.) I will be free of this toxicity, and its all because you have opened my eyes.

 

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

 

Don't thank me! It's the nature of the beast. Everyone contributing pieces of the puzzle, insights, experiences and encouragement. And you were ready to listen and accept and apply it to your life! That's really pretty remarkable.

 

So often people here are hurting, and in pain, but for whatever reason, they aren't ready or able to make the changes necessary to stop it. You, apparently, are. I celebrate that with you! You have had so much pain - a couple of your posts nearly made me cry, I could almost feel how bad you had hurt.

 

I'm just glad you've found something helpful. I have, too. I think several of us have. I want to thank everyone who posted. Everybody had something valuable to contribute.

 

I still have lots to learn about trauma issues, and lots to work through, but at least I know what the root of it is, and what to focus on.

 

RC, keep us posted on how it goes for you.

[Fieldsofgold]

yep, emotional justification. Also known as guilt deflection.

 

The sad part was, I had no issues with him having a female friend, I trusted him implicitly. Plus , one of my closest friends was/is a man , and it truly is platonic, our friendship is based on mutual interests, as well as working together occasionally. ( and many years in the same social circle)

 

So I wasn't being jealous, or controlling---but I ended up being painted that way. I wasn't even suspicious that anything was inappropriate until I met the OW, who was hostile and combative with me from the get-go.

(but not in front of my SO) She actually had the audacity to pull to the side to lecture me about how I "wasn't really compatible with my guy, I could never really understand him"...etc.,ad nauseum...

all the very first time I ever even met her!She didn't know me from a can of paint, but she was going to lecture me, and accuse me of not understanding???The absurdity is mind-boggling..........

 

But I had zero suspicions before that first encounter.......and I waited and observed, before I ever confronted my SO about that friendship.

 

And I got the knee-jerk reaction from him at first....

 

"What? Don't you want me to have any friends??....It took a long time before he could see that she was indeed trying to drive a wedge between us.Turns out she pulled him to the side , also.(junior high revisited)

 

somebody was indeed playing puppet master, but it wasn't me.........She was the classic poaching type of AP, which I don't believe is the norm.

 

Before my SO came out of the fog ( he very nearly lost me entirely)--I believe both he and the OW were reenacting the "punish mommy" drama.

 

When I read experiences like this, it is mind-boggling! Please tell me you were all 18 and 19 when this happened.

 

How long did you have to put up with this? What turned the situation around for you?

Edited December 11, 2010 by Fieldsofgold

[redcurls]

I have a long way to go. This will not be an overnight miracle. I'm sure that I will struggle greatly trying to let go of him and the relationship, however painful it is. But at least I now have the knowledge, the ability to recognize the origin of this hold he has on me. Hopefully, I will be able to stop myself from contacting him and respond accordingly if and when he contacts me.

[Fieldsofgold]

I have a long way to go. This will not be an overnight miracle. I'm sure that I will struggle greatly trying to let go of him and the relationship, however painful it is. But at least I now have the knowledge, the ability to recognize the origin of this hold he has on me. Hopefully, I will be able to stop myself from contacting him and respond accordingly if and when he contacts me.

 

You're smart to realize it won't be instant. Or easy. But isn't it freeing to understand what was keeping you hooked? I think you've definitely rounded the curve, so to speak. I'm really happy for you.

[freestyle]

When I read experiences like this, it is mind-boggling! Please tell me you were all 18 and 19 when this happened.

 

How long did you have to put up with this?

 

 

No, that's the mind-boggling part!!!My SO and I were both middle-aged when this happened; his friend a few years younger. That's why I called it "junior high revisited".

 

I was literally too stunned to process it at the moment it happened, it had been too many years (decades)since I'd been around that kind of behavior.It certainly wasn't happening in my circle of friends........

 

After I digested it for a few days ( I'm not a knee-jerk reactor, usually)I realized that I had been through that kind of dynamic before..........

 

as a teenager!

 

When you reach adulthood ( I knew I was officially there when I fell asleep in the middle of a conversation after a holiday meal with the family:p) you really don't expect to have to deal with that kind of game-playing.

 

 

How long did I put up with it? I'm embarassed to say ,way too long.It took me a while to figure out that their friendship was becoming inappropriate, and crossing boundaries.When it started to happened, I'd never even heard the term, emotional affair/cheating/infidelity. I still thought cheating was sleeping w/someone else.

 

I didn't have a fraction of the knowledge that I've gained since I started reading LS ,and everything else I could get my hands on regarding emotional affairs.I didn't have the vocabulary to articulate what I was experiencing then.

 

All I knew, was that something wasn't right.I knew her behavior wasn't right, that was blatant enough--but I wasn't sure what her motives were.Was she just being protective of my SO, as a friend? Or did she have her sights set on him?

 

And the distancing on my SO's part happened in slow increments, so it wasn't easy to recognize right away. The changes in his demeanor towards me were very subtle, and I'll admit to being fairly blinded by my trust and love.

 

There's so much more, but I'm running short on time at the moment.

 

So long saga short--my SO and I got past it, but there were lots of long discussions to reach that point. I didn't want to be the bad guy telling him who can or can't be friends with...........

 

......but at the same time, I felt very uncomfortable with him remaining friends with someone who had tried to play the two of us against each other.

 

(imagine trying to relax when there's a venemous snake in the corner of the room. It's not doing anything at the moment, just sitting there very still.....but knowing it's nature , you can't help but be hyper-vigilant, and focus on it, wondering when it may strike.)

 

I decided to stick it out with him, because I've never met anyone else with so much in common with me, we are very much kindred spirits.It's been a hard road, though..................

[Fieldsofgold]

No, that's the mind-boggling part!!!My SO and I were both middle-aged when this happened; his friend a few years younger. That's why I called it "junior high revisited".

 

I was literally too stunned to process it at the moment it happened, it had been too many years (decades)since I'd been around that kind of behavior.It certainly wasn't happening in my circle of friends........

 

After I digested it for a few days ( I'm not a knee-jerk reactor, usually)I realized that I had been through that kind of dynamic before..........

 

as a teenager!

 

When you reach adulthood ( I knew I was officially there when I fell asleep in the middle of a conversation after a holiday meal with the family:p) you really don't expect to have to deal with that kind of game-playing.

 

 

How long did I put up with it? I'm embarassed to say ,way too long.It took me a while to figure out that their friendship was becoming inappropriate, and crossing boundaries.When it started to happened, I'd never even heard the term, emotional affair/cheating/infidelity. I still thought cheating was sleeping w/someone else.

 

I didn't have a fraction of the knowledge that I've gained since I started reading LS ,and everything else I could get my hands on regarding emotional affairs.I didn't have the vocabulary to articulate what I was experiencing then.

 

All I knew, was that something wasn't right.I knew her behavior wasn't right, that was blatant enough--but I wasn't sure what her motives were.Was she just being protective of my SO, as a friend? Or did she have her sights set on him?

 

And the distancing on my SO's part happened in slow increments, so it wasn't easy to recognize right away. The changes in his demeanor towards me were very subtle, and I'll admit to being fairly blinded by my trust and love.

 

There's so much more, but I'm running short on time at the moment.

 

So long saga short--my SO and I got past it, but there were lots of long discussions to reach that point. I didn't want to be the bad guy telling him who can or can't be friends with...........

 

......but at the same time, I felt very uncomfortable with him remaining friends with someone who had tried to play the two of us against each other.

 

(imagine trying to relax when there's a venemous snake in the corner of the room. It's not doing anything at the moment, just sitting there very still.....but knowing it's nature , you can't help but be hyper-vigilant, and focus on it, wondering when it may strike.)

 

I decided to stick it out with him, because I've never met anyone else with so much in common with me, we are very much kindred spirits.It's been a hard road, though..................

 

I understand what you're saying. When I came here, I had never heard of EA's. I thought an A was PA.

 

My H had some female "friends" who made me very uncomfortable. I was accused of being the jealous W when I complained. It makes you wonder if you're the crazy one. It took me a while to figure out I wasn't crazy - actually I caught them in the act - that's always pretty hard to explain away - otherwise, no telling how long it could have gone on.

 

I'm glad things are better for you now. You've learned so much. I appreciate everything you shared on this thread. How did you learn so much? Just reading, or IC, or did you take a class?

[freestyle]

I understand what you're saying. When I came here, I had never heard of EA's. I thought an A was PA.

 

My H had some female "friends" who made me very uncomfortable. I was accused of being the jealous W when I complained. It makes you wonder if you're the crazy one. It took me a while to figure out I wasn't crazy - actually I caught them in the act - that's always pretty hard to explain away - otherwise, no telling how long it could have gone on.

 

I'm glad things are better for you now. You've learned so much. I appreciate everything you shared on this thread. How did you learn so much? Just reading, or IC, or did you take a class?

 

 

I told the story to one of my girlfriends, and she said,"Oh, he's having an emotional affair."

 

And I said , "What???????"

 

I really had no clue, I'd never heard the term before. And I never watched soap operas (I'm a sci-fi chick) so I really was fairly naive about affairs in general.

 

So as my SO started spending more and more time with this friend, but started talking about her less and less( he became guarded)--the red flags grew into large red banners.

 

So I googled the term, "emotional affair" and found LS. That's what brought me here in the first place. I read every story I could, for months before I joined.

 

What really hit me was the similarities in the dynamics going on, and the parallels to what I had experienced. There were a handful of threads that could have been me posting.So the first light bulbs began to glow..........

 

I started reading every article I could, visited other relationship sites, and when I read the book, "Not Just Friends" (Shirley Glass-EXCELLENT book)(Hit me like a ton of bricks)----everything fell into place.

 

Nope, I've never been to IC, never took a class-everything I've learned is from reading.And having a rudimentary, intuitive grasp of psychology.(I'm always looking for the motivations and reasons behind people's actions and attitudes.)

 

Oddly, I feel like I've gained more from reading individual stories on LS, than from reading articles, however. I think it's a matter of raw emotion and experience vs. dry factual text and statistics. The LS stories put a human face on everything. (or an avatar, at least:p)

 

 

I'm sorry that you had to go through something similar, FOG.It's really unfair when you get accused of "just being jealous". My guy tried that line on me.Like you, I wondered if I was overreacting, if I was the crazy one.I spent a lot of time beating myself up mentally ,but I kept reading and reading.......until I realized that I had every right to feel what I feel. And thanks to LS, I learned that my situation was not unique.My feeling were a normal reaction to a screwed up dynamic.So the next time he accused me of "just being jealous"........

 

I responded with --"Jealousy means that I care. It means that I'm afraid of losing you. Would you prefer that I didn't give a damn?"

 

That made him think. I could almost hear the faint scritch-scratch of tiny hamster paws turning the wheel in his brain......... He's a brilliant man intellectually, but he was a dufus about understanding boundaries.I think I finally got through to him.I explained the difference between rational jealousy, and irrational jealousy.Two very different things--it could be a thread in and of itself.

 

I had to present a lot of shoe-on-the other-foot scenarios to him as well.

 

(How would YOU feel if I discussed our relationship with one of my guy friends...?)

 

(How would YOU feel if one of my friends was hostile towards you when my back was turned?...........)

 

So, yes, things have improved. Progressing by leaps........and stumbles.Progressing nonetheless.

 

When I look back at the pain his EA caused---honestly, a one-night drunken oops would have been easier to forgive.Knowing that I was being dissected and criticized in my absence was a gut-wrenching betrayal.After that experience, I'm firmly entrenched in the "Emotional Affairs Are Worse' camp.

[Just a stone's throw]

This is probably one of the most insightful and helpful threads I have read since joining LS in March. I didn't have a bad childhood. I had some experiences of men doing inappropriate things to me, those weren't totally traumatic and I don't think they made me have an A. My parents D'd when I was 16 after many years of arguing and infidelity but I don't feel like that was the reason for my A.

 

I take responsibility for my actions. But what I couldn't reconcile was why I couldn't get over it; get over him. Why he stuck so deeply in my head, my psyche when all these other things I was able to deal with.

 

Now it is starting to make a lot of sense. We both were doing something very wrong. We both accepted that. It wasn't a trauma per se. But what we were doing was wrong and we were in it together, like "Bonnie and Clyde".... (LOL) so when he decided he wasn't in it anymore I couldn't believe it. I didn't know how to cope.

 

So my question is, I've read all you have to say about WHY this all happens but How in the heck do I use this knowledge to make my situation better and put it behind me once and for all???? Is it like the steps of grieving? I tried that. There has to be some key thoughts that can help.

 

I'm not doing that badly, really. I am much, much better than I've been in a long time but I definitely feel like I'm a whimp because I have taken so long to put it all behind me. If there are no further answers, it's okay. I do feel better just knowing I'm not crazy (maybe =) thanks for the thread though.

 

JAST

[Fieldsofgold]

This is probably one of the most insightful and helpful threads I have read since joining LS in March. I didn't have a bad childhood. I had some experiences of men doing inappropriate things to me, those weren't totally traumatic and I don't think they made me have an A. My parents D'd when I was 16 after many years of arguing and infidelity but I don't feel like that was the reason for my A.

 

I take responsibility for my actions. But what I couldn't reconcile was why I couldn't get over it; get over him. Why he stuck so deeply in my head, my psyche when all these other things I was able to deal with.

 

Now it is starting to make a lot of sense. We both were doing something very wrong. We both accepted that. It wasn't a trauma per se. But what we were doing was wrong and we were in it together, like "Bonnie and Clyde".... (LOL) so when he decided he wasn't in it anymore I couldn't believe it. I didn't know how to cope.

 

So my question is, I've read all you have to say about WHY this all happens but How in the heck do I use this knowledge to make my situation better and put it behind me once and for all???? Is it like the steps of grieving? I tried that. There has to be some key thoughts that can help.

 

I'm not doing that badly, really. I am much, much better than I've been in a long time but I definitely feel like I'm a whimp because I have taken so long to put it all behind me. If there are no further answers, it's okay. I do feel better just knowing I'm not crazy (maybe =) thanks for the thread though.

 

JAST

 

I'm glad this thread has been helpful for you, too. I don't know how you heal. I'm guessing it is in stages, like grieving. I'm looking for books to read, I called for a counselling appointment. That's where I'm starting.

 

I'm hoping that as I look at the ways it has impacted my life, I can now see those things as just trauma issues, and maybe they will seem smaller, more conquerable, less problematic than before.

 

I'm interested in seeing if anyone else has ideas on how we break such a

stronghold and heal.

[ladydesigner]

This is probably one of the most insightful and helpful threads I have read since joining LS in March. I didn't have a bad childhood. I had some experiences of men doing inappropriate things to me, those weren't totally traumatic and I don't think they made me have an A. My parents D'd when I was 16 after many years of arguing and infidelity but I don't feel like that was the reason for my A.

 

I take responsibility for my actions. But what I couldn't reconcile was why I couldn't get over it; get over him. Why he stuck so deeply in my head, my psyche when all these other things I was able to deal with.

 

Now it is starting to make a lot of sense. We both were doing something very wrong. We both accepted that. It wasn't a trauma per se. But what we were doing was wrong and we were in it together, like "Bonnie and Clyde".... (LOL) so when he decided he wasn't in it anymore I couldn't believe it. I didn't know how to cope.

 

So my question is, I've read all you have to say about WHY this all happens but How in the heck do I use this knowledge to make my situation better and put it behind me once and for all???? Is it like the steps of grieving? I tried that. There has to be some key thoughts that can help.

 

I'm not doing that badly, really. I am much, much better than I've been in a long time but I definitely feel like I'm a whimp because I have taken so long to put it all behind me. If there are no further answers, it's okay. I do feel better just knowing I'm not crazy (maybe =) thanks for the thread though.

 

JAST

 

I am right there with you JAST. When does this get put behind us? I too feel the need to let it go. Gone from my mind. I assume one day it will, but I still think about this 2 years later. Clearly this is not healthy. I want to forget FOREVER. That is what I want.

 

Great to see you JAST.