When and why women go for the nice guy

[SteveC80]

my whole life i've been surrounded by women who want nothing but hot guys. i've gotten resentful.

i figure i'm gonna be someone's second (or third choice) once they hit a certain age and their biological clock is ticking. so i didn't get the young vigorous woman, i get the version that kinky sex means twice in a month on a weeknight with the lights on.

 

I always tell guys who never got women in their teens and early adult life to be leery if women suddenly give you the time of day later on in life.More then likely its an agenda and you didnt become attractive magically.

 

Women will use womenspeak like ive matured or i know whats improtant now but the truth is they can no longer get the young hot guys and are desperate to have a family and kids and you might just be an acessory to get it

Edited December 13, 2010 by SteveC80

[griffinchicken53]

the sad thing is, i'm no different. slowly i'm finding myself thinking, i'm gonna have to settle or die alone. and i'll still be attracted to other women. guess i'm hypocritical.

it all boils down to "i like someone inparticular just hoping she changes her taste in men and gave me a chance." even just one date.

[hoping2heal]

At some point I assume women get tired of hot guys that treat them bad. Not meant towards all hot guys, I'm sure some of them are nice.

 

So women, do you start having a physical attraction to more average guys? Or is it more of a tradeoff for a good guy and still want the hot guy?

 

Is this supposed to be a joke or sarcastic or something?

 

I'm not sure how to respond because I am not sure this is actually a serious post.

 

On the chance that it is..I have observed plenty of average looking men who were *******s and did not treat their gf's very well. Hell, I have seen the same with some ugly dog looking men too

 

Secondly, life is not a trade off like that. It is possible to have the guy who is funny, interesting, assertive, thoughtful, honest and hot as hell. I would know, my guy is exactly that You do not have to choose between the two.

[griffinchicken53]

hoping 2 heal. this is a real post. i've probably got alot of baggage.

 

i'll be the first to admit i'm not a great looking guy. not great attitude or bright outlook on life, overweight. i'm working on making improvements.

I just feel i'm at the mercy of a woman giving me a chance.

[griffinchicken53]

hoping 2 heal. this is a real post. i've probably got alot of baggage.

 

i'll be the first to admit i'm not a great looking guy. not great attitude or bright outlook on life, overweight. i'm working on making improvements.

I just feel i'm at the mercy of a woman giving me a chance.

[Untouchable_Fire]

hoping 2 heal. this is a real post. i've probably got alot of baggage.

i'll be the first to admit i'm not a great looking guy. not great attitude or bright outlook on life, overweight. i'm working on making improvements.

I just feel i'm at the mercy of a woman giving me a chance.

 

There is your problem. Self fulfilling prophecy.

 

What kind of women are you going after? In my opinion when you have weight issues... maybe go after women who have the same problem? Often times you can help to motivate one another... plus... many are solid, quality women.

 

Then again getting a guy into some form of commitment is probably a lot harder too... so maybe it is harder for women. Dunno.

Edited December 14, 2010 by Untouchable_Fire

[Floridaman]

my whole life i've been surrounded by women who want nothing but hot guys. i've gotten resentful.

i figure i'm gonna be someone's second (or third choice) once they hit a certain age and their biological clock is ticking. so i didn't get the young vigorous woman, i get the version that kinky sex means twice in a month on a weeknight with the lights on.

Your view may change - or you may need an "attitude adjustment" as you get older. When you get closer to 30, you'll find you're not attracting those young 20-year-olds and when you do date them, you may find they really don't have that much depth anyway and you may, miracles upon miracles, look towards women closer to your own age or go for women older than you.

 

I supposed one way I dealt with the young girls who didn't seem to have eyes for me - I avoided them like the cheerleader bombshells who wouldn't give me the time of day and went for the more attainable.

 

During my late 20s and early 30s- I purposefully dated women who were a 1-5 years to 7-10 years (at an extreme) older than me, figuring I'd have a better chance of finding one of them as a life partner, which is what I was desparately seeking at that lonely time in my life.

 

Only thought of what I wanted and sought a woman that was seeking what I was sellin'.

Edited December 14, 2010 by Floridaman

[Floridaman]

i've made the mistake of having been a doormat in the past. i try to take other people's feelings in consideration before my own...

......

i'll be the first to admit i'm not a great looking guy. not great attitude or bright outlook on life, overweight. i'm working on making improvements.

I just feel i'm at the mercy of a woman giving me a chance.

I just read more closely your posts and see you're not attracting those young "hawt" girls anyway.

 

Griffin, not to be mean here, but if you consider yourself "average" or "not a great-looking guy," why would you waste your time trying for the so-called "hawt" girls?

 

They're not likely to give you the time of day. Why subject yourself to that kind of abuse?

Wouldn't that be like hitting a brick wall?

 

I wasn't average or anything near "ugly," so I'm told- even in my 40s - but I have long had trouble getting women interested in me. My problem may have been more on self-confidence. It happens to all.

 

My above post shows how I refocused on women that would be more likely to be interested in me.

Edited December 14, 2010 by Floridaman

[griffinchicken53]

I don't have much self esteem or confidence. I don't seek out hot women. I really seek out any women. Just one comes along and talks to me and I wish it could go further.

[vandelay]

I have pretty much screwed myself by being the nice guy. Just got dumped a couple of weeks ago. I treated her like a princess, bent to her unflinching strength just to make her happy, and in the end I am just a boring spineless person to her. Pretty crushing, because it was so different in the beginning. Being nice makes me feel good, but its not enough for anyone.

[Floridaman]

I have pretty much screwed myself by being the nice guy. Just got dumped a couple of weeks ago. I treated her like a princess, bent to her unflinching strength just to make her happy, and in the end I am just a boring spineless person to her. Pretty crushing, because it was so different in the beginning. Being nice makes me feel good, but its not enough for anyone.

I'm having a hard time wrapping this around my mind, but fear some women really do treat nice guys like dirt.

I always considered myself a nice guy, didn't press them for sex, didn't intentionally mistreat them. Yet reading on this board, they likely let the next guy nail them!!

 

Fortunately, when I turned my LDR GF into a wife (something I long wanted to do), she wasn't into any of this "bad guys" crap and willingly gave her heart and body to me. I was her second sexual partner (after being engaged to a former fiance 10 years earlier). I found that in treating her well, she reciprocated.

Edited December 14, 2010 by Floridaman

[somedude81]

People need to understand that nice and hot are not exclusive.

 

Somebody else posted, that if a guy is hot, it simply doesn't matter if he's nice or he treats women poorly. He can do whatever he wants. Women want him regardless.

 

I'd actually say that hot guys are more in-demand than hot girls. There are a lot more hot girls in the world than hot guys. (BTW, I'm limiting it to college age Americans)

 

The next area of confusion is nice guy vs. jerk.

 

I'd say the real comparison is more like, unconfident guy vs. cocky guy. The cocky guy isn't worried about pleasing anybody so he doesn't try to appear nice while the unconfident guy does. The cocky guy sees what he wants, and tries to take it. The cockyness and not being afraid to go after what one wants and possibly risk loosing it, is what is attractive to women.

 

If I were to make a chart it would look like this.

 

Hot Guy + Cocky = no problem getting women

Hot Guy + Unconfident = Little to no problem getting women

Average guy + Cocky = Should be able to get women

Average guy + Unconfident = No hope getting women

None of the men I have ever had relationships with was hot. I wasn't attracted to any of them...not ONE. They kept pursuing and pursuing, and eventually I grew an attraction to them when I got to know them.

Interesting point.

 

So if none of them were hot, what were their personalites like before you dated them? Were they confident/cocky guys?

 

How long did it take for you to give in?

[Taramere]

I always tell guys who never got women in their teens and early adult life to be leery if women suddenly give you the time of day later on in life.More then likely its an agenda and you didnt become attractive magically.

 

Absolutely. God forbid those guys who had it difficult in their earlier years should ever feel the tiniest hint of hope that they might actually find happiness with a woman. Praise the lord that they have friends like you who will dash their hopes in the budding stage.

[lvixen]

I find a lot of the time, that "nice guy" is an euphemism for a clingy guy. One who can't go two minutes without saying, "I love you" or calls 20 times a day. At least he's not neglecting her, right? That's what makes him the "nice" guy. Women don't want clingy guys, even though we may be clingy ourselves. It's just very very unattractive and we lose interest really, leaving the "nice" guy to say, "oh women only like the bad guys!" which is a bold face lie. We like guys who are sweet, don't cheat, etc,. but we also need our own space as well.

 

To answer another question, I prefer guys who are more on the average side, anyways. I don't really go after the "hot" guys. What makes a guy "hot" to me is intelligence. Now, THAT is sexy!

[Woggle]

Absolutely. God forbid those guys who had it difficult in their earlier years should ever feel the tiniest hint of hope that they might actually find happiness with a woman. Praise the lord that they have friends like you who will dash their hopes in the budding stage.

 

I certainly don't agree with him that men should reject all women but he should be very cautious about a woman who has a history of dating one jerk after another.

[carhill]

When history dictates caution, watch carefully for want and attraction to match up. Consistency of action and word *can* mean change has occurred. People grow and change and learn from life experience. Acceptance with boundaries can be as healthy as it is 'nice'.

 

This perspective is far easier to apply to non-romantic relationships, because everything is arms-length and few elemental emotions are involved. Attraction, infatuation, emotional intimacy and sex cloud romantic dynamics.

 

Had I paid better attention to the want/attraction dynamic when younger, picking healthy and compatible partners would have been far easier. Live and learn

[SteveC80]

Absolutely. God forbid those guys who had it difficult in their earlier years should ever feel the tiniest hint of hope that they might actually find happiness with a woman. Praise the lord that they have friends like you who will dash their hopes in the budding stage.

 

 

Yes becasue it would be better if he marries a women who feels she settled the whole time and just got married becasue her bioligcal clock was tickign then she cheats on him later in the relationship.

[Floridaman]

Back to the OP's original concern....

I don't have much self esteem or confidence. I don't seek out hot women. I really seek out any women. Just one comes along and talks to me and I wish it could go further.

Then work on that, Griffin. You don't want to stay in the same place (rut) that you're in, no?

Read some books on how to gain confidence.

A good book on what to say to almost anyone is How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. If you're not good at starting conversation, that book should help.

I wasn't very confident in my teens and 20s either.

Put two women side by side with same personality but one plain, one hot, i'm probably gonna go for the hot one

That's a critical mistake you're making, Griff.

The "hot" ones have lots of choices and guys always going after them.

The other woman, the one you call plain, she likely doesn't have so many opportunities and therefore might be more receptive to you asking her out.

 

You understand supply & demand, right? More demand/ less supply (demand for pretty girls) equals higher prices (more competition).

Adjust your 'specs and look towards the more attainable. There may be more of those available anyway.

 

You told us you're not likely competitive with the other guys going after the so-called "hot" girls bec. you say you're overweight and not good looking. I bet you those "plain" girls wouldn't think that about you!

 

I didn't date many "hot" girls and truth be told, didn't want to. Many don't have a lot of depth. Many are horrible at relationships and not that loyal, IMHO, and have pasts you may not be interested in.

 

I couldn't find it in your thread, but can you tell us how old you are?

 

All the best, Griffin.

[yongyong]

After they got knocked up by some guy and became a single mom?

[Content]

Back to the OP's original concern....

 

Then work on that, Griffin. You don't want to stay in the same place (rut) that you're in, no?

Read some books on how to gain confidence.

A good book on what to say to almost anyone is How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. If you're not good at starting conversation, that book should help.

I wasn't very confident in my teens and 20s either.

 

That's a critical mistake you're making, Griff.

The "hot" ones have lots of choices and guys always going after them.

The other woman, the one you call plain, she likely doesn't have so many opportunities and therefore might be more receptive to you asking her out.

 

You understand supply & demand, right? More demand/ less supply (demand for pretty girls) equals higher prices (more competition).

Adjust your 'specs and look towards the more attainable. There may be more of those available anyway.

 

You told us you're not likely competitive with the other guys going after the so-called "hot" girls bec. you say you're overweight and not good looking. I bet you those "plain" girls wouldn't think that about you!

 

I didn't date many "hot" girls and truth be told, didn't want to. Many don't have a lot of depth. Many are horrible at relationships and not that loyal, IMHO, and have pasts you may not be interested in.

 

I couldn't find it in your thread, but can you tell us how old you are?

 

All the best, Griffin.

 

While i understand peopel shuold have reasonable expectations i dont think people should hit on women or Men theyre not attracted to just becasue they think their easier to get

 

I cant imagine a relationshp flourishing where before a guy approached a women his first thought was "shes unattractive enough for me to have a shot"

[Floridaman]

I cant imagine a relationshp flourishing where before a guy approached a women his first thought was "shes unattractive enough for me to have a shot"

Of course there has to be some attraction, but most women are attractive enough for many guys.

Why all this focus on looks?

True beauty isn't only just physical.

 

If he wants experience at dating, then at least he can get some by dating those other so-called "plain" women.

What volume of experience will he get if he never gets the time of day from the "hot" one? Not so hot, huh?

 

And plain as compared to what? A cheerleader?

Many women are plain judged by the standards of beauty today.

A Jaguar may be more attractive but a Honda will get me there just the same and more affordable at that.

 

The poster said this..

Put two women side by side with same personality but one plain, one hot, i'm probably gonna go for the hot one

It's clear he wants to date

How would he know each of the girls' personalities if neither of them - esp. the so called "pretty" one" pays him much attention as he's introverted?

 

I'm just sayin' he shouldn't focus on the ones that 9 times out of 10 will likely turn him down where the ratio may be opposite for the other girl!!!!

Edited December 15, 2010 by Floridaman

[griffinchicken53]

i'm 31 years old. i'm not after the 20 something college girl. ideally i would think somewhere inbetween 27-34 in the age range.

 

i have a warped view of things and my logic probably contradicts itself. the other day i was at the gym and not many people there. the two girls working the desk are talking/all flirty with some other guy, so i'm thinking typical. so i finish my workout and getting stuff out of a locker. the guy comes in and we kind of talk about the weather. i was judgemental. he's just a nice talkative guy who is in shape.

 

Let's say i go with a scale of 1-10 as far as appearance. to be fair i'm going to put myself at a 4-5 range. now back in high school i went for the 9-10s and got lots of rejection. i don't want a 9-10. maybe somewhere in the 6-7 range. maybe if i read that book, get confidence, lose weight, maybe i could be a 6. But there might be some that see me as an 8, and since i'm hot i must be a jerk. which most of the time i have come to find out, is not the case.

 

some of the girls i went to high school with who i considered 9-10, now they aren't hot anymore. and some of the plain ones are absolutely stunning. i did try for a few "plain ones" but they rejected me cuz they were waiting for "a more attractive guy" to ask them out.

[SteveC80]

 

some of the girls i went to high school with who i considered 9-10, now they aren't hot anymore. and some of the plain ones are absolutely stunning. i did try for a few "plain ones" but they rejected me cuz they were waiting for "a more attractive guy" to ask them out.

 

Allot of plain average girls are picky becasue they have allot more options then your average looking Men and maybe higher standards

 

AS a Man you may have to go for a women whos lower on the looks ladder then yourself

[griffinchicken53]

I certainly don't agree with him that men should reject all women but he should be very cautious about a woman who has a history of dating one jerk after another.

 

this makes sense. i've always gone after the extremely hot ones, and am like "what was i thinking?" i need to break the pattern.

i imagine this could be the case with women as well. they might be done with the jerks, and put the past behind them and set out to find a good guy, despite what he looks like.

[Mad Max]

this makes sense. i've always gone after the extremely hot ones, and am like "what was i thinking?" i need to break the pattern.

i imagine this could be the case with women as well. they might be done with the jerks, and put the past behind them and set out to find a good guy, despite what he looks like.

 

 

The extremely hot ones are not worth the effort. I'm just glad I learned that at 16-17 instead of 30.