The dreaded "open relationship" discussion...

[elemental1]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I am 29 – my girlfriend is 26 – we have been together for almost 8 years and we have a 6 year-old son. Over the past year or so she has been mentioning having an interest in exploring an open relationship. We have dabbled with additional partners – men and women (neither of us are bisexual but we have included other people) in the past – no actual sex, but other things. It was fun, but we were younger then and I personally feel different now…especially since we have a son together….we have a family now. [/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]This all came up when she started a new job at a grocery store – quite a difference from her old job as a nanny/sitter. Her work environment went from watching kids to working at a grocery store with male co-workers, customers, managers, etc., working around food… it is a very sexually-conductive environment. Not to mention that she is a very attractive woman with a very outgoing personality so naturally she gets a lot of attention from the opposite sex. The “open relationship” talk really started coming up a lot more when she got this job. [/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Now, most of the time, I am a pretty confident guy. I don’t get jealous or territorial. I choose not to treat the woman I love like a piece of land to defend from invaders – especially when she can take care of herself. She is always honest with me about everything – things that happen at work – things that are said – things that she says – etc. This is something I really appreciate because not many women would be this honest. It also serves to alleviate any scant, jealous concerns that might arise within me…. However – I began to notice her talking about her manager a lot. He is younger than she is, but not much and is apparently “highly sought after” in the store among the other girls. She tells me that they flirt a lot – tells me the things they say for the most part. He has a live in girlfriend of 3 or 4 years so I didn’t really worry too much. I know that flirting is innocent as long as that is as far as it goes. Plus she has spent the previous 5 years chasing kids, changing diapers, etc. So naturally this attention from men is exciting to her – ok, I get it. [/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]It isn’t until she starts bringing up the “open-relationship” concept that I begin to grow concerned….she really shined with honesty one drunken night when she told me, in more or less words, that she basically wants to f*ck her boss. [/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]We have discussed trying an open-relationship – and I was willing to try as long as we did it together and included other partners – but she mentioned doing it separately – just as if we were both single. She says that we could both learn new tricks to bring home for each other – but I don’t think we have to sleep with other people to learn new tricks… sounds like a sales pitch to me. Anyway this is something I DON’T want. I like being half of a whole – I like being with her and only her. The thought of her actually having sex with another guy disgusts me….especially when I can picture the exact guy. I told her that it wasn’t going to happen – that it isn’t what I want and she is ok with that. But I still think this desire is lingering within her. She still mentions the open relationship topic every now and then. Her boss was transferred to another store a few months ago and she still talks to him via text/email every now and then – but nothing too alarming or suspicious. We share cell-service and an email address and I control them both so I would know if anything was happening.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Here is another tid-bit – we decided to move into a new house. It is a very nice house and would be great for my family – it just happens to be right across the street from this guy…. I know this isn’t why she wanted to move because we decided on the house before we even knew that was where he lived. Well, I wasn’t going to let an opportunity like this slip just because of jealousy or concerns of the like – so we moved. Since then, we have all hung out on a few occasions (she and I and he and his girlfriend) and nothing has happened to cause any concern. He seems to be respectful and nice. But I notice that she acts slightly different around him…kind of giddy, etc. – and she still occasionally mentions the open-relationship idea. [/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Personally, I think she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She wants the best of both worlds but I just cant let that happen. I mean, we have a child – I couldn’t imagine the damage something like this would cause. I don’t think this is something she loses sleep over, but I can definitely tell she has a desire and really does want to “f*ck her boss” ….well, her previous boss-turned neighbor – Now, I am open-minded and I understand that we are both human with human desires – but I cant help but think that something is definitely not right here. We maybe have sex twice a month – when it does happen, it is good ….when it happens. I wouldn’t feel like **** as much if she wanted more sex with me since I desire it almost everyday - but since her sex drive isn’t really that active with me, yet seems to be in perfect working order when it comes to the possibility of someone else, it is cause for some definite concern. [/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Does anyone have any experience with this sort of thing? [/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I know my post was long – but the better understanding someone gets of a situation, the better advice I get back. I am starting to worry and it is beginning to affect me more than I would like to admit. I love her and I want her to be happy, but I cant allow this sort of thing to happen especially when more than just she and I would be directly affected. She knows how I feel about it and I know how she feels – neither make the other feel good….so what do I do?[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Any thoughts, perspectives, rants, etc. would be greatly appreciated…..[/sIZE][/FONT]

Thanks

[UnsureinSeattle]

Honestly? It sounds like you've already told her your conditions to make it happen (yes, it might be okay as a couple- no to her doing it on her own)- so I see no reason for you to deviate from that stance. It's not like you're being unreasonable or anything in regards to a potentially intresting, but also potentially perilous change to your relationship.

 

Bottom line, I don't think you should cave in, just to make her happy. In this instance, giving her exactly what she wants would be a deal breaker for you. Stick to your guns, but be communicative about why you're against the idea (and maybe open to trying it as a couple). Don't be aggressive or a jerk about it... but don't let her pressure you into something you're not comfortable with.

 

Good luck!