The dreaded "open relationship" discussion...

[elemental1]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I am 29 – my girlfriend is 26 – we have been together for almost 8 years and we have a 6 year-old son. Over the past year or so she has been mentioning having an interest in exploring an open relationship. We have dabbled with additional partners – men and women (neither of us are bisexual but we have included other people) in the past – no actual sex, but other things. It was fun, but we were younger then and I personally feel different now…especially since we have a son together….we have a family now. [/FONT][/sIZE][sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]This all came up when she started a new job at a grocery store – quite a difference from her old job as a nanny/sitter. Her work environment went from watching kids to working at a grocery store with male co-workers, customers, managers, etc., working around food… it is a very sexually-conductive environment. Not to mention that she is a very attractive woman with a very outgoing personality so naturally she gets a lot of attention from the opposite sex. The “open relationship” talk really started coming up a lot more when she got this job. [/FONT][/sIZE][sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Now, most of the time, I am a pretty confident guy. I don’t get jealous or territorial. I choose not to treat the woman I love like a piece of land to defend from invaders – especially when she can take care of herself. She is always honest with me about everything – things that happen at work – things that are said – things that she says – etc. This is something I really appreciate because not many women would be this honest. It also serves to alleviate any scant, jealous concerns that might arise within me…. However – I began to notice her talking about her manager a lot. He is younger than she is, but not much and is apparently “highly sought after” in the store among the other girls. She tells me that they flirt a lot – tells me the things they say for the most part. He has a live in girlfriend of 3 or 4 years so I didn’t really worry too much. I know that flirting is innocent as long as that is as far as it goes. Plus she has spent the previous 5 years chasing kids, changing diapers, etc. So naturally this attention from men is exciting to her – ok, I get it. [/FONT][/sIZE][sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]It isn’t until she starts bringing up the “open-relationship” concept that I begin to grow concerned….she really shined with honesty one drunken night when she told me, in more or less words, that she basically wants to f*ck her boss. [/FONT][/sIZE][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]We have discussed trying an open-relationship – and I was willing to try as long as we did it together and included other partners – but she mentioned doing it separately – just as if we were both single. She says that we could both learn new tricks to bring home for each other – but I don’t think we have to sleep with other people to learn new tricks… sounds like a sales pitch to me. Anyway this is something I DON’T want. I like being half of a whole – I like being with her and only her. The thought of her actually having sex with another guy disgusts me….especially when I can picture the exact guy. I told her that it wasn’t going to happen – that it isn’t what I want and she is ok with that. But I still think this desire is lingering within her. She still mentions the open relationship topic every now and then. Her boss was transferred to another store a few months ago and she still talks to him via text/email every now and then – but nothing too alarming or suspicious. We share cell-service and an email address and I control them both so I would know if anything was happening. [/sIZE][/FONT][sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Here is another tid-bit – we decided to move into a new house. It is a very nice house and would be great for my family – it just happens to be right across the street from this guy…. I know this isn’t why she wanted to move because we decided on the house before we even knew that was where he lived. Well, I wasn’t going to let an opportunity like this slip just because of jealousy or concerns of the like – so we moved. Since then, we have all hung out on a few occasions (she and I and he and his girlfriend) and nothing has happened to cause any concern. He seems to be respectful and nice. But I notice that she acts slightly different around him…kind of giddy, etc. – and she still occasionally mentions the open-relationship idea. [/FONT][/sIZE][sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Personally, I think she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She wants the best of both worlds but I just cant let that happen. I mean, we have a child – I couldn’t imagine the damage something like this would cause. I don’t think this is something she loses sleep over, but I can definitely tell she has a desire and really does want to “f*ck her boss” ….well, her previous boss-turned neighbor – Now, I am open-minded and I understand that we are both human with human desires – but I cant help but think that something is definitely not right here. We maybe have sex twice a month – when it does happen, it is good ….when it happens. I wouldn’t feel like **** as much if she wanted more sex with me since I desire it almost everyday - but since her sex drive isn’t really that active with me, yet seems to be in perfect working order when it comes to the possibility of someone else, it is cause for some definite concern. [/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Does anyone have any experience with this sort of thing? [/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I know my post was long – but the better understanding someone gets of a situation, the better advice I get back. I am starting to worry and it is beginning to affect me more than I would like to admit. I love her and I want her to be happy, but I cant allow this sort of thing to happen especially when more than just she and I would be directly affected. She knows how I feel about it and I know how she feels – neither make the other feel good….so what do I do?[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Any thoughts, perspectives, rants, etc. would be greatly appreciated…..[/sIZE][/FONT]

Thanks

[TigerCub]

I've never been in an open relationship - but I do KNOW that if me and a boyfriend were to do that - there would have to be some ground rules and we BOTH would have to honestly be ok with it.

 

It doesn't seem like its something you want at all - the thought of it makes you sick - so its definitely something you'd have to put your foot down on, because if you do let her do it, when you're not truly alright with it - its gonna cause A LOT of problems.

 

I do have a friend that's married and in an open marriage - but its because she wanted to have sex with women - and so her husband was fine with it - but they set their rules, he got to have a gf who he dated and had regular sex with, and my friend got to date/sleep with other women - and that arrangement REALLY worked for them - but its certainly not for everyone.

 

My only advice to you is that if you're not ok with it, don't just go along with it to make her happy because it will open a can of worms on your R with the GF.

[elemental1]

First off - I apologize for the confusing text and what not - Had to paste it from a word doc....

anyway - Honestly, i would feel ok about it if we did this together and with people we know and trust and have friendships with...in fact, i know it is a lot of fun if everyone is attracted to each other and we are all mature about it - even sex i could consider in this instance, i mean, at least we would both be there and we could share the experience together - even if we were having sex with other people in the room ya know? it is the idea that she is alone, devoting her present attention to another man that hurts me. - - what if she falls for someone else? -- i dont particularly believe in the whole 'meant to be' concept - i believe that we are all human and all subject to different feelings... ugh, it is just confusing damnit! lol.

[TigerCub]

First off - I apologize for the confusing text and what not - Had to paste it from a word doc....

anyway - Honestly, i would feel ok about it if we did this together and with people we know and trust and have friendships with...in fact, i know it is a lot of fun if everyone is attracted to each other and we are all mature about it - even sex i could consider in this instance, i mean, at least we would both be there and we could share the experience together - even if we were having sex with other people in the room ya know? it is the idea that she is alone, devoting her present attention to another man that hurts me. - - what if she falls for someone else? -- i dont particularly believe in the whole 'meant to be' concept - i believe that we are all human and all subject to different feelings... ugh, it is just confusing damnit! lol.

 

I actually find it kind of weird that you would want to be there and see her doing someone else -

 

Actually one of the rules that my friend and her H have is that - yes they both acknowledge what's going on, but they don't want to see the other get it on with someone else - and THAT I can understand.

 

Personally, I think I wouldn't agree to an arrangement where I saw someone I loved have sex with someone other than me.

 

But, if you're ok as long as you're with her (maybe not her having sex totally, but at least fooling around with someone else) - maybe as a compromise, you guys can check out some swingers clubs?

 

I actually just went to one a few weeks ago (I'm dating, but not anyone's girl officially), I went with 2 girlfriends of mine - it was fun, and there were couples that went together and fooled around with single people or just wanted to get it on while strangers watched - it was fun.

 

Maybe that's something you can offer your GF as a compromise, since it doesn't seem like you'd be ok with anything that involves her doing stuff on her own. - And that's fine, you're entitled to feel how you feel - just be honest with her, since she's been very honest with you.

 

Good luck

[elemental1]

i guess my rule is that i have to be there and it has to be people we are both comfortable with - that might rule out the swingers clubs because they would all be strangers... we could give it a try i guess..

[TigerCub]

i guess my rule is that i have to be there and it has to be people we are both comfortable with - that might rule out the swingers clubs because they would all be strangers... we could give it a try i guess..

 

I do find that a little odd - because people you're comfortable with are your friends, do you really want your friends fooling around with your GF? That seems kinda oweird to me - but that's just me.

 

I dunnop, hun, you just gotta be comfortable (the both of you) and if you can't find a common ground, then the open marriage thing isn't for you guys - and your gf will just have to accept that.

[UnsureinSeattle]

Exactly. She either accepts that you're not comfortable with it or she can move on.

 

Your needs/desires/worries are just as important as hers. It's a partnership!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

and all of which have a common theme.... It is the woman's idea... Sorry not into it, nor understand it or see anything good coming of it. That is what you will read here for the most part, accept again for a few women who seem okay with it.

 

I see nothing good coming from it.... Obviously she wants someone, be it bigger, better, more muscles, better looking..... Why else???? Oh yes and don't forget the eventual emotional connection that is always possible. Sorry that's the way I look at it......

[Ometeotl]

Here is my experience, open relationships are perfectly fine for lust and such, but once feelings get involved there is almost always guilt and remorse of going outside a loving relationship.

 

Guilt leads to sadness, which leads to sadness, which is not happiness

 

If you want your loved one to be happy, tell her the boundaries of the relationship and that they will not change, because families need boundaries or limitations.

 

If your child where to grow and be in the situation you are now, what would you tell him/her?

 

I say you are right, she is getting greedy, lust and greed are often in bed with each other.

 

Families make personal sacrifices for the betterment of the whole, she needs to sacrifice her desire to F*uck her boss and keep those feelings just for you. imho

 

peace

Edited December 9, 2010 by Ometeotl

[KikiW]

Bottom line is that everyone needs to be 100% on board with the open relationship if it even has a chance to be successful. Rules need to be clearly defined, and each should have the right to pull out the stop sign and everything immediately ceases with no questions asked. The fact is, you're not on board.

 

She needs to give up her fantasy and start refocusing on the relationship you two have, or you will end up in court seeking full custody of your kid while she's off sowing her wild oats.

[elemental1]

I didnt expect this much feedback - so thank you.

I have noticed, whether it be on the radio, in magazines, websites, blogs, etc. that women are usually the ones to introduce this somewhat new idea of an OR and that it is becoming more widespread. Why is that? You'd think you'd hear it more from men, being what we are....but no, it's women that want it more than men.

My gf was surprised that I wasnt gung-ho about it...as if it is an understood rule of men - dont get me wrong, I often check out other woman and flirt and enjoy that attention a lot - who wouldnt?! if i were single, I would definitely be spreading my seed like a farmer in spring (as gross as that sounds lol) But i am happy with just one person - I dont need multiple sex partners - Just one....I mean, i am getting to a point in my life where it just seems like a chore to start over again with someone new - getting to know them, meeting their family, learning their habits and idiosyncrasies, etc. - maybe she sees it a different way.

As far as not being attactive enough or big enough (in the pants or muscles-wise lol) - I am not a greek god, but she has even told me that I am more attractive than this other guy...of her friends that have seen him, they say the same thing. and when we have sex, she usually gets off before i do...unless she is faking and i am 99% sure she isnt.

so, i dont get it. i am all for spicing up our sex life, but venturing to other people doesnt really do much for OUR sex life - just our own individual ones....and i just dont think it is the answer.

[carhill]

Given your ages and what was written, the pump is primed for a WAW. Hug your son and strap in.

[elemental1]

what is a WAW?

[carhill]

WAW = walk away wife

 

 

Here's a thread listing common LS acronyms

Edited December 9, 2010 by carhill

[elemental1]

she is a very good mother to our son - i am not afraid that she will leave us.... me maybe, but not him...

upon further contemplation, i have realized that i somewhat resent her for wanting to try this, so i have built up a wall of anger rather than trying to openly discuss it. she doesnt like to talk about her feelings too often and she is somewhat of a loose cannon when she gets angry so i sometimes just bottle my feelings and thoughts up inside rather then bring them up and risk an all out war - i have been doing this a lot lately and because of it i am quick to anger, in a bad mood a lot, indifferent to a lot of things....just all around depressed....i guess it is affecting me more than i thought...

...plus i hate my job...lol

[fltc]

Your relationship as it is or was is over.

 

Your girlfriend is to be commended for not just sneaking and lying about it but she's going to have sex with this guy one way or the other so...... figure out what you can tolerate and act accordingly.

[Green]

Why oh why do you have a son of 6 years with a girlfriend? Obviously you didn't think enough of the girl to marry her?

 

You talk her out of an open relationship or u guys are headed for a break up.

[Distant78]

Why oh why do you have a son of 6 years with a girlfriend? Obviously you didn't think enough of the girl to marry her?

 

You talk her out of an open relationship or u guys are headed for a break up.

 

If he even talks to her about it all she'll never give up the extra dyck she's getting on the side. You can't change people with those personalities. Once you have a partner who's willing to screw someone else for the sake of their relationship, it's over.

[karnak]

I also think that your relationship is over. Your girlfriend may be with you now because she thinks it's comfortable. She doesn't want to be by herself yet. But, as soon as she finds another man who'll offer her a "nest" she'll probably leave you.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

posts come.... Whether it is or not I don't know. I'd be terrified though. The facts speak for themselves. You've been together since a young age. Probably not a lot of experience. A child already. Still not married (and yes important to many). A wife back in the workforce, and in front of people all day. She is confident in herself again (after the early mothering years). Curiosity and wondering if that is all there is....

 

Sorry red flags everywhere.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

In addition, you have said no and the comments continue and I imagine will not stop. I earlier just mentioned the questions I imagine all men would have and worry about (same for women). Now the seed has been planted in your head and you have to wonder every time whether you really (I mean really) are doing it for her.....

Edited December 10, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic

[PegNosePete]

A cheating spouse will often ask for an open relationship as a way of retroactively getting permission for their infidelity. This may in the future be combined with gaslighting the date the openness (or the affair) began.

[karnak]

A cheating spouse will often ask for an open relationship as a way of retroactively getting permission for their infidelity. This may in the future be combined with gaslighting the date the openness (or the affair) began.

 

This sure happens a lot here in LS.

[elemental1]

is there some rule written somewhere that says 'past a certain amount of time dedicated to a relationship, you must get married or all bets are off' ?

our choice to not get married yet is just that; our choice.

 

personally, i dont think marriage is for everyone or every couple. from what i have read, watched, experienced.... the core meaning of marriage gets buried more often than not behind extravagant weddings, wedding rings, financial reasons, religious beliefs.... it seems like it is more of a business decision to most than what it is really meant to be about.

 

another thing is that most weddings i have been to, the priest/pastor/whatever talks more about Jesus and god and things related than about the two people standing up there. now personally, i am not religious in any way whatsoever, but i do not condemn those who are....however, it just rubs me the wrong way when the focus of a wedding becomes more about religion than about the two people getting married.

 

as for the OR thing.....it hasnt been mentioned in a while - i am still not sure what to think or feel about it. i think the next time it comes up, i am going to let her know my concern...or at least pick her brain to see what she really wants. i know she hasnt cheated on me - of that i am certain...i know that sometimes people will propose an open relationship to their partner after they have already cheated as a way to deal with guilt or to get permission or whatever.... but that is not the case here.

[PegNosePete]

personally, i dont think marriage is for everyone or every couple.

I agree, I think that a couple should only get married if they reach the stage where it's "just a bit of paper". If they are not at that stage then I don't think they are ready. If they think anything would change or it would somehow make their lives better, then they need to research it more!!