Does everyone find their soulmate AFTER they marry?

[jlola]

I would love to know why it seems so many people fall "madly" n love in the confines of an affair. A woman or man may date 25-30 people n ther lifetime of dating, Then BAM! they meet married person and that is the one they were 'meant to be with"? Are all the single people that bad?

 

Then there are the folks who dated a lot of people. But after many relationshps, met the one they are in love with and finally settle down. Ironically , they meet someone who is willing to have an affair, and then BAM! They fall in love wth the only other person they got intimate with after marriage. But before marriage, they were so damn picky and finding it hard to fall in love.

 

Psychologically, I wonder if " this person is off limits"is fueling the feelings of love and obsession. Like when you are on a diet and begin to obsess about the food that is off limit to you. But when the food is readily available in abundance you have little thought about it.

[Fieldsofgold]

I would love to know why it seems so many people fall "madly" n love in the confines of an affair. A woman or man may date 25-30 people n ther lifetime of dating, Then BAM! they meet married person and that is the one they were 'meant to be with"? Are all the single people that bad?

 

Then there are the folks who dated a lot of people. But after many relationshps, met the one they are in love with and finally settle down. Ironically , they meet someone who is willing to have an affair, and then BAM! They fall in love wth the only other person they got intimate with after marriage. But before marriage, they were so damn picky and finding it hard to fall in love.

 

Psychologically, I wonder if " this person is off limits"is fueling the feelings of love and obsession. Like when you are on a diet and begin to obsess about the food that is off limit to you. But when the food is readily available in abundance you have little thought about it.

 

You ask some very good questions and make some very good points. I also think that the fact that a person in an affair usually can't have a typical, everyday, mundane relationship with the AP adds to the drama, and keeps the AP's warts from being so readily visible. There's just not the reality of day-in day-out monotony that eventually sets in, in a long-term relationship.

 

I have often wondered - if the AP's knew they could just up and live together on a daily basis indefinitely, without the drama of divorce, battling with the husband/wife, etc. - I wonder just how long would it would actually last. In most cases, I would guess, it would not last all that long in a real-life everyday setting.

[jlola]

My older sister has been married 4 times in the past 14 years. Every single one of her marriages ended because she was having an affair and "in love". The only affair partner she married was husbad #2. They both eded up cheatig o each other. It seems when it is a fantasy relationship she is willing to do whatever it takes to be with that person.

 

Her last marriage provided her with a great guy and a great lifestyle. She the went on facebook and found her HS boyfriend. Also married. They dreamt they would leave their spouses and end up happily ever after. She divorced, moved to married boyfriends state. But he chickened out at last minute.

 

My father goes through these ifatuation too. I wonder if there is a gene for love addiction. I thik they fall i love with the thrill of the secret ad the illusiveness of affair partner.

Edited December 8, 2010 by jlola

[Fieldsofgold]

My xH left me to marry his OW. after 4 years of marriage to her, tried to come back to me. When I wouldn't have him, he married his then current OW. He has repeated this pattern for 40 years! I still don't know what his problem

is, but I know he's for some screwed up thinking, and I'm just glad he left me!

[112233]

No, only morons who believe in "soulmates" have this issue.

[Quiet Storm]

People often mistake the endorphins that flood our brains at the beginning of a relationship as love. But in all reality, it is just a chemical reaction designed so that we will be driven to mate.

 

Since affair relationships have time constraints and an illicit factor, this dopamine high often continues longer than in a relationship where the couple is always together.

 

Some people associate the "high" feelings with the person and say it's "love". But what they really love is the dopamine. The way that person makes them feel.

 

These chemical reactions will eventually die down in every relationship. This is where committment, caring and real love come into play. Where you actually care about the other person, and are not simply chasing the high.

 

People that don't understand this will go from relationship to relationship because they think something is wrong when the excitement fades. They don't realize that it is a natural progression.

 

Most MM understand this, and that is why they don't leave their wives.

 

They know that eventually OW will bore them, and they aren't going to turn their lives upside down to get the same thing that they already have. Their ideal is to keep the wife (their home-base) and to have OW for excitement. Once their current OW is no longer content, she becomes a liability and they will move on to the next OW.

[Foolish1018]

People often mistake the endorphins that flood our brains at the beginning of a relationship as love. But in all reality, it is just a chemical reaction designed so that we will be driven to mate.

 

Since affair relationships have time constraints and an illicit factor, this dopamine high often continues longer than in a relationship where the couple is always together.

 

Some people associate the "high" feelings with the person and say it's "love". But what they really love is the dopamine. The way that person makes them feel.

 

These chemical reactions will eventually die down in every relationship. This is where committment, caring and real love come into play. Where you actually care about the other person, and are not simply chasing the high.

 

People that don't understand this will go from relationship to relationship because they think something is wrong when the excitement fades. They don't realize that it is a natural progression.

 

Most MM understand this, and that is why they don't leave their wives.

 

They know that eventually OW will bore them, and they aren't going to turn their lives upside down to get the same thing that they already have. Their ideal is to keep the wife (their home-base) and to have OW for excitement. Once their current OW is no longer content, she becomes a liability and they will move on to the next OW.

 

Wow, I think you hit the nail on the head with that post! I often do wonder if I really do love my MM, or if it's the butterflies and excitement that I feel with him that is clouding my head. And since we haven't had much physical contact in a while, it's making it easier for me to stay away. There's only so many IM conversations one can have before it gets boring...

 

I know some of you will think I'm crazy, but I always have and still truly believe that my H is my soulmate. We've been through a lot together, and this is one more hurdle we will get through, together.

[jlola]

I guess the dopamine

 

#1. First stage of love , coupled with

 

#2.Forbidden fruit (what you cannot have becomes an obsession) add to that

 

#3. Intermittent reinforcement(like a lab rat given pellets at random,the affair person becomes like the pellets. They choose when you see tyhem, when you can talk to them. YOU BECOME A LAB RAT!!!!

This is a recipe for an obsessive relatonship where you just musstt have that object to survive.Home life seems dull in comparison.

 

Now what happens when finally get to be together as man and wife is WS leaves for affair person.

 

#1. Dopamine is wanning, so your logical mind is coming back.

 

#2. NO MORE OBSESSION.

You are not forbidden to have X food(forbidden fruit) anymore. In fact now you are allowed to overindulge in what was once forbidden. So you lose the obsession with it. In fact, it may now not be to your liking after all.

 

#3. No MORE INTERMITTENT REINFORCEMENT.

Instead of someone else being in control of the pellets you were getting(limited time, not being able to call at night or weekends,no holidays etc) You now control your own pellets.

 

It's no wonder that after WS leaves family,takes a loss financially,now children live in a broken home and see him only half the time. They still rarely marry affair partners once they are finally together.

 

In fact the divorce rate for the ones that do marry is extremely high.

 

I would have to wonder how many of that small percentage who stay together realize they made a mistake, but after all of the destruction they left behind, breaking up family,losing money,after ignoring all the words of warning and advice from friends and family, they are too humiliated to let others know they were right.

 

All this from people who swore they were meant to be together at all cost and are soulmates. Emotional immaturity comes to mind when I see this.

[bentnotbroken]

I think it is limited to those who are in affairs and looking for validation of some odd twisted reasoning.

[Mimolicious]

Jlola- you must be a chunk of my brain and decided to go a little JLo'ish on my arse and post my thoughts.

 

This is exactly how I also see it. It's it amazing!? Dont you love it when people get married (especially celebrities) they are SO MADLY IN LOVE with the LOVE of their life and SOULMATE.

 

Fast forward few months (lucky if years) later- Like you said, "BAM!".

So Tony Parker and Eva Longoria'ish of people...

 

Stories, especially on here are like a template. March to the very similar beat of "we have this unique and amazing connection that I have never felt with those other 25-30 people I dated (dayum! that's is a little OD on dating but) and my MM/MW is my SOULMATE and there is nobody else on the planet that gets me like he/she does". Yet, I ask the same. Is it because we 'love' the impossible? Right.

 

Gotta love it.

[Mimolicious]

People often mistake the endorphins that flood our brains at the beginning of a relationship as love. But in all reality, it is just a chemical reaction designed so that we will be driven to mate.

 

Since affair relationships have time constraints and an illicit factor, this dopamine high often continues longer than in a relationship where the couple is always together.

 

Some people associate the "high" feelings with the person and say it's "love". But what they really love is the dopamine. The way that person makes them feel.

 

These chemical reactions will eventually die down in every relationship. This is where committment, caring and real love come into play. Where you actually care about the other person, and are not simply chasing the high.

 

People that don't understand this will go from relationship to relationship because they think something is wrong when the excitement fades. They don't realize that it is a natural progression.

 

Most MM understand this, and that is why they don't leave their wives.

 

They know that eventually OW will bore them, and they aren't going to turn their lives upside down to get the same thing that they already have. Their ideal is to keep the wife (their home-base) and to have OW for excitement. Once their current OW is no longer content, she becomes a liability and they will move on to the next OW.

 

Whoa! I think I need to send this to my xH. Poor guy....

[Confused4Now]

Wow, I think you hit the nail on the head with that post! I often do wonder if I really do love my MM, or if it's the butterflies and excitement that I feel with him that is clouding my head. And since we haven't had much physical contact in a while, it's making it easier for me to stay away. There's only so many IM conversations one can have before it gets boring...

 

I know some of you will think I'm crazy, but I always have and still truly believe that my H is my soulmate. We've been through a lot together, and this is one more hurdle we will get through, together.

Yes I can see this....2 years ago I went from seeing my xMW everyday. This included talking on phone, texting, IM'ing each other throughout the day.

 

But in that period I starting eliminating each thing....the big one was seeing her and talking to her. The LC was so much easier when I didn't see her or talk to her. Eventually I stopped the texting.....then the IM'ing. Except for the occasional emails...I don't get those crazy feelings anymore. So Yes I can understand the highs... and like you said after awhile there really isn't much to say that you haven't said already.

[East7]

@JLola

 

Not all the OP are serial AP, most of people involved in A get disgusted of that and don't repeat the pattern.

Those who are serial are (fortunately) only a few who have personnality issues.

 

Some people associate the "high" feelings with the person and say it's "love". But what they really love is the dopamine. The way that person makes them feel.

 

The same is valid for regular spouses in the first stages of relationship, also called "honeymoon stage"

 

These chemical reactions will eventually die down in every relationship. This is where committment, caring and real love come into play. Where you actually care about the other person, and are not simply chasing the high.

 

People that don't understand this will go from relationship to relationship because they think something is wrong when the excitement fades. They don't realize that it is a natural progression.

Or you may also consider that people are not silly but may just fall out of love (And I'm talking about normal people, not celebrities or serial divorce-rs)

All the divorces are not caused because of infidelity. All relationships cool down, but there is a difference between cooling down and falling out of love / or having an A.

The AP provides commitment, caring and love too. Why is that to be only a spouse quality ?

 

Most MM understand this, and that is why they don't leave their wives.

 

They know that eventually OW will bore them, and they aren't going to turn their lives upside down to get the same thing that they already have. Their ideal is to keep the wife (their home-base) and to have OW for excitement. Once their current OW is no longer content, she becomes a liability and they will move on to the next OW.

I would rather say, most MMs are just selfish and don't have the balls to move out and prefer keep the status quo. They wouldn't even have an A if they really had respect and cared much about their W.

 

The LC was so much easier when I didn't see her or talk to her. Eventually I stopped the texting.....then the IM'ing. Except for the occasional emails...I don't get those crazy feelings anymore. So Yes I can understand the highs... and like you said after awhile there really isn't much to say that you haven't said already.

 

Mate you know the saying : far from the sight, far from the heart...Distance kills everything!

And you haven't much to say in a relationship that goes nowhere. If you had projects and a future, you'd had always a lot to say.

[Quiet Storm]

The AP provides commitment, caring and love too. Why is that to be only a spouse quality ?

 

 

I don't think it always has to be that way. I guess it all depends on what you consider to be commitment, caring and love. It seems many affairs are self-serving...the AP usually has to stay within the confines of the affair. If I have a flat tire...my H is going to come and help me. I know that. If I am in the hospital, he will spend the night with me. I know this. I can count on him, whether it is a convenient time or not. From what I read here, not many APs have this.

 

To me, "in love" is the dopamine, honeymoon, affair-type feelings. The urgency, the passion, excitement etc. You can have this in a marriage, or an affair.

 

"Love" to me means action, not a feeling. To love my H does not mean he makes me feel good...it means I care for him, I do for him, I'm there for him. This can exsist in an affair, too. But it seems like there are always limits in an affair. And eventually these limits may feel constricting to someone who wants a total commitment.

 

I don't want limits on my love...those limits would make me feel uncared for.

[Mimolicious]

The AP provides commitment, caring and love too. Why is that to be only a spouse quality ?

 

East- I've read several very clever posts by you. This sentence- not so.

 

The AP may provide it but in halfassed portions. Those same qualities that you mention above, usually are taken into count when someone is considering marrying another person. Not saying that the qualities are exclusively for spouses but it sure makes a good one out of whom carries such. Of course, there are almost 7 billion people, not all are from the same fabric and you have extreme cases of people being married for the wrong reasons. I am not talking about those.

[Woggle]

It is the affair aspect of it that attracts them. I hate to say it but they are just messed up people who can't handle a healthy relationship.

[jlola]

Love is an action and most people having an affair cannot show love.To them the feelingh they have is love.

 

I have known people who left high paying jobs,family,friends to move acrosss country for love.I have known people who have left their country,their family and their culture for love. They sacrifice everything and take the risk for love.

 

But most people having affairs will risk nothing unless they get caught. They always want a soft spot to fall. They claim they need to be there for the kids. But they can move close by and still see the kids. There is no BIG BAD wife that can keep them from seeing their kids. That is BS. The courts will not allow that.

 

They claim they do not want their kids growing up in a broken home. But it's ok to disrespect the kids and the other faithful parent. The kids "feel" something is wrong. My father was a cheater. I did not know that till I was a teen. But I would see my mother looking depressed. I would hear arguments. He would come home in a bad mood(now I know at times it was because he was fighting with then mistress.)

 

I felt in my gut something was not right with them. I wished they would divorce. Their staying together did none of us any good. It just kept my father happy cake eating.

 

Cheaters use the excuse they will be financially ruined. Well, welcome to love. Love means sacrifice. You may have to live in a smaller apartment. Give up on a few vacations,luxuries,work a few more hours. But if you are really in love what is the problem?

 

My sister held down 2 jobs to help my BIL through dental school. For 4 years they lived in a tiny basement apartment in NY.

 

I have seen teenagers who have kids a a young age hold up 2 jobs to pay the bills. you are telling me 2 mature people "in love" who are "soulmates" that were meant to be together cannot do the same if they are afraid to divorce for financial reasons?.

 

Unfortunately, most cheaters are selfish. They want to have their cake and eat it too. But refuse to sacrife like most "normal folks" for what they want. They want it all and can't figure out why everyone else cannot understand their sense of entitlement.

 

But sitting down and feeling like star crossed lovers,with exxagerated obstacles makes them feel better. It keeps them from living real life and staying in the fantasy world they created. As someone stated they understand their relationship in the "real world" would not supply the excitement, the romance, the drama the affair does.

[OWoman]

It is the affair aspect of it that attracts them. I hate to say it but they are just messed up people who can't handle a healthy relationship.

 

Interesting notion. So I take it you don't think my M is a "healthy relationship"?

[OWoman]

I would love to know why it seems so many people fall "madly" n love in the confines of an affair. A woman or man may date 25-30 people n ther lifetime of dating, Then BAM! they meet married person and that is the one they were 'meant to be with"? Are all the single people that bad?

 

Quite possibly. Or perhaps they want different things.

 

Then there are the folks who dated a lot of people. But after many relationshps, met the one they are in love with and finally settle down. Ironically , they meet someone who is willing to have an affair, and then BAM! They fall in love wth the only other person they got intimate with after marriage. But before marriage, they were so damn picky and finding it hard to fall in love.

 

Perhaps they settled too soon. They agreed to M Mr /Ms "Good Enough" and then along came Mr / Ms Perfect... Or perhaps the person they married changed in ways that were not in synch with the ways they were changing over time, and then they met someone who was in synch with how they are now, rather than who was once in synch with how they used to be... and they realise that what used to seem like a perfect fit is now stretched and flaccid.

 

Psychologically, I wonder if " this person is off limits"is fueling the feelings of love and obsession. Like when you are on a diet and begin to obsess about the food that is off limit to you. But when the food is readily available in abundance you have little thought about it.

 

Having no experience of dieting, I can only imagine this, but speaking from my own experience, the attraction had nothing to do with the "off limits" and everything to do with fit - demands, expectations and feelings.

 

I'm not a fan of the "soulmate" concept, but I do think that most people find their "soulmate" after they marry. For the lucky ones, that "soulmate" turns out to be the one they're M to. For others, it's not.

[Confused4Now]

Love is an action and most people having an affair cannot show love.To them the feeling they have is love.

 

Something I've always said...Love is not about your words and in fact you don't even have to say anything.....your actions show everything!!!

 

I have known people who left high paying jobs,family,friends to move acrosss country for love.I have known people who have left their country,their family and their culture for love. They sacrifice everything and take the risk for love.

 

But most people having affairs will risk nothing unless they get caught. They always want a soft spot to fall. They claim they need to be there for the kids. But they can move close by and still see the kids. There is no BIG BAD wife that can keep them from seeing their kids. That is BS. The courts will not allow that.

 

I will agree with this as well as I can say I did cake eat for 2 years of my A before I left my marriage. I walked away with just the clothes on my back and my kids followed. I could no longer live the lie.

 

They claim they do not want their kids growing up in a broken home. But it's ok to disrespect the kids and the other faithful parent. The kids "feel" something is wrong. My father was a cheater. I did not know that till I was a teen. But I would see my mother looking depressed. I would hear arguments. He would come home in a bad mood(now I know at times it was because he was fighting with then mistress.)

 

Kids are not dumb....please!!! The week I left the house all 3 of my kids sat down with their mom and explained to her why I was leaving. It had nothing to do with my xMW. I left my marriage on it's own merits.

 

I felt in my gut something was not right with them. I wished they would divorce. Their staying together did none of us any good. It just kept my father happy cake eating.

 

Cheaters use the excuse they will be financially ruined. Well, welcome to love. Love means sacrifice. You may have to live in a smaller apartment. Give up on a few vacations,luxuries,work a few more hours. But if you are really in love what is the problem?

 

Which is why I started to remove myself from my xMW after 1st complete year of me being removed from my marriage/house. It was clear she didn't want to disrupt her world being it financial, adult children and family.

 

My sister held down 2 jobs to help my BIL through dental school. For 4 years they lived in a tiny basement apartment in NY.

 

I have seen teenagers who have kids a a young age hold up 2 jobs to pay the bills. you are telling me 2 mature people "in love" who are "soulmates" that were meant to be together cannot do the same if they are afraid to divorce for financial reasons?.

 

Unfortunately, most cheaters are selfish. They want to have their cake and eat it too. But refuse to sacrifice like most "normal folks" for what they want. They want it all and can't figure out why everyone else cannot understand their sense of entitlement.

 

Yeah I was a cheater....but now I worked on me the last 3 years out of my marriage and guess what...I hate liars now. funny eh? The cheating I can understand. I don't judge anyone not my job..but I won't tolerate lying.

 

But sitting down and feeling like star crossed lovers,with exxagerated obstacles makes them feel better. It keeps them from living real life and staying in the fantasy world they created. As someone stated they understand their relationship in the "real world" would not supply the excitement, the romance, the drama the affair does.

 

100% in Agreement of this paragraph!!!

 

Great post...my thing in bold.

[wheelwright]

People often mistake the endorphins that flood our brains at the beginning of a relationship as love. But in all reality, it is just a chemical reaction designed so that we will be driven to mate.

 

Since affair relationships have time constraints and an illicit factor, this dopamine high often continues longer than in a relationship where the couple is always together.

 

Some people associate the "high" feelings with the person and say it's "love". But what they really love is the dopamine. The way that person makes them feel.

 

These chemical reactions will eventually die down in every relationship. This is where committment, caring and real love come into play. Where you actually care about the other person, and are not simply chasing the high.

 

People that don't understand this will go from relationship to relationship because they think something is wrong when the excitement fades. They don't realize that it is a natural progression.

 

Most MM understand this, and that is why they don't leave their wives.

 

They know that eventually OW will bore them, and they aren't going to turn their lives upside down to get the same thing that they already have. Their ideal is to keep the wife (their home-base) and to have OW for excitement. Once their current OW is no longer content, she becomes a liability and they will move on to the next OW.

 

I'm not saying you are wrong but IME..

 

My love for my AP was on a par with the love I feel for my kids. With my H not so nor ever was.

 

So questions:

 

Is it dopamine/endorphins with my kids? It seems to last well with them, why should I suppose on spurious science (where there is a lot of admission about the fact science doesn't understand love) that is wouldn't have with xAP? The break up certainly caused me huge grief. I had physical symptoms too. Read about grief, and it was the same. It was not about dopamine!

 

Is my love for my kids also fog?

 

I know my grief is ill-understood. And I know I have turned a corner - that of acceptance.

 

I never loved like that before. And I have something to compare it to - the way I feel about my kids. I imagine some people, even in As, also may feel that about their R and feel confused when they do not have that comparison.

 

I am saying this because I think it may be counter-productive for people grieving to think the object of grief - which is the R and the xAP - is mere dopamine/endorphins.

 

That's just not true, IME.

[Got it]

I love all of these assumptions on what happens, or doesn't happen in affairs, by people who have never been in one.

 

I can say that we could show love, he did fix tires, plumbing, and pet and grandma sitting for me during the EMR. Um, he helped clean the house, take me to the doctor's, oh we celebrated holidays together and did birthdays, trips, etc.

 

I do agree the honeymoon stage wears off but so it did with my husband. I can say I am still more in love with my dMM than I have been ever in my life. We have lived together, taken care of each other when sick, worried over bills, kids, futures, laughed, shared memories, traditions, etc. Feels pretty much like the other significant relationship in my prior life.

 

But I guess this is still the fantasy. If so, I hope to never wake up.

[jlola]

The love you have for your children and your partner are two completely different kinds of love.

 

There are different kinds of love. You cannot compare those two.

 

The love many people have with each other goes through stages. 1st stage is romance and infatuation. Miost people stay in that stage for up to 3 years.That is the butterfly stage. The pinning stage. Most love songs and poems are written during that stage.

 

The reason many people are so "in love" with their affair partner is usually because they stay at stage 1 longer than normal. The relationship is never real. they never live with each other.never go through stress with each other. Do not spend time with each other's friends and family socially to see how they interact. So they create scenario's in their heads. They live a fantasy with the perfect person they created.

 

I went through a relationship like that once. Met a man who was rich,successful and absolutely perhaps the handsomest guy I ever met. harliquin romance material. We were young. He had just broken off a 3 year relationship and was still grieving.

 

We would see each other a few hours a week because of he was establishing his own company and spent lots of time at work. We would talk on the phone alot. Sometimes I would bring him a quick dinner if he was working late.each time I saw him I cherished the "little time' we had together. Because it was on the clock. I knew it would end soon and I would not see him again for a few days. Perhaps for a week. i would start to miss him before we even seperated. Some nights I would spend at his house. But rarely. He was healing from his past GF.

 

I made up so much of who I thought he was in my head. Because he looked perfect everytime I saw him, I created the perfect man. in may head. I rarely saw him in social situations. never lived with him. Never paid bills with him. Never went on vacation with him. Never had him have to put up with obnoxious relatives. Never had to deal full time with his anal attitude for cleanliness. I thought it was cute then. But now I realize there are issues behind that behavior.No kids. NADA!!!

 

we were just so happy to see each other I felt it was perfect. After we broke up I spent years comparing him to every other other man I dated. He was my soulmate. No other man compared.

 

saw him recently and NOTHING. Though he was still very attractive I did not want to rekindle. He did. Told me he never forgot me and regrets letting me go. But I realized him being a fantasy was better in my head. It was better than reality. So I decided to keep it there.

 

I'm sure his ideas about me are fantasy too. You see I realize now we never really knew each other. He saw Miss perfect . The woman who always had hair,nails done. well put together. He never saw me at my worse. If he had rang my bell one day when I was hanging out in my sweats I would probably not open the door back then:) I wanted him to think of my as the gorgeous woman he saw when we went out.the fantasy girl.That is not a real relationship.

[jlola]

I never loved like that before. And I have something to compare it to - the way I feel about my kids. I imagine some people, even in As, also may feel that about their R and feel confused when they do not have that comparison.

 

I am saying this because I think it may be counter-productive for people grieving to think the object of grief - which is the R and the xAP - is mere dopamine/endorphins.

 

That's just not true, IME.

 

 

How long was your affair? For many people it was under 3 yuears and therefore the affair was broken off during the infatuation stage which makes it hard to get over.

 

Read information on Limerence. A stage of extreme infatuation that is fueled by obstacles and uncertainty. Scientist have looked at the brain in the infatuation stage and again after people have been married for 5 years and more. Parts that used to light up in the infatuation stage (where chemicals are flooding your brain like cocaine) do not light up anymore. after 5 years when you are shown a picture of your partner. But a more comfortable love takes over.

 

They had a segment on the today show last year. They actually had a few real couples that had been involved in the study come back years later and scan brain again on national tv. They were told this was completely normal. It did not mean the spouse was no longer in love with them. It meant they are now at a different more mature stage of love.

[carrie999]

I don't think it always has to be that way. I guess it all depends on what you consider to be commitment, caring and love. It seems many affairs are self-serving...the AP usually has to stay within the confines of the affair. If I have a flat tire...my H is going to come and help me. I know that. If I am in the hospital, he will spend the night with me. I know this. I can count on him, whether it is a convenient time or not. From what I read here, not many APs have this.

 

So true! Even if the MM/MW is an established "friend," the boundaries are more rigid than with a real friendship...calling when you need them most is not an option.

 

To me, "in love" is the dopamine, honeymoon, affair-type feelings. The urgency, the passion, excitement etc. You can have this in a marriage, or an affair.

Yes. That dopamine rush comes from pure excitement, which can come even in a "loveless" marriage. It's probably more physiological than emotional in nature. Even if it's emotional, it's not substantive enough to build upon.

 

"Love" to me means action, not a feeling. To love my H does not mean he makes me feel good...it means I care for him, I do for him, I'm there for him. This can exsist in an affair, too. But it seems like there are always limits in an affair. And eventually these limits may feel constricting to someone who wants a total commitment.

 

I don't want limits on my love...those limits would make me feel uncared for.

 

I couldn't possibly agree more. A good relationship is built upon a combination of friendship and attraction, and passion, which is the one factor that is likely to wax and wane. But no relationship should be built on limits that leave either person feeling alone. Many relationships start with a partner who is reticent or gun-shy after pain from prior experience, but that is an obstacle that can be overcome, if both partners are committed to making their relationship work.

 

To those who have made a relationship with a MM/MW or AP work, kudos to you. But this is not the norm, and it's not an ideal starting point.