Does everyone find their soulmate AFTER they marry?

[Got it]

If MM/MW spouse is ok with the arrangement and married person bringing his OP around frends and family and living with misstress part-time that is fine. A relationship like that where everyone is ok with it is none of anyone's biz.

 

But if married man is doing this behind spouse's back, then there is a personality flaw. The lies,double life. How can anyone live like that? How can anyone disrespect another like that?His kids? Does anyone think that is a good person?

 

get a divorce if that is the case. This is the USA. You do not have to stay with your spouse forever. So if family,friends all accept OP. If person can afford 2 residents, what excatly is the reason for him not divorcing? This is about a person who feels entitled and 2 other people enabling and sharing.Why would the mistress accept? Really. Are there so few guys in the area? There must be some guy more worthy than a liar,manipulator,cake-eater.

 

My father was one of those selfish people. and even as a teen my sisters and I would tell her to leave. It was a humiliating experience for us kids too. I used to feel shame that everyone knew what my father was doing. It was not my shame to take. But I took it. My oldest sister has been affected also. She has cheated on every single one of her 4 husbands. Ironically,she too always finds her soul-mate while married. Never happy with the one she has once she is married to them.But before marriage getting the guy to the alter becomes her obsession.

 

I guess some folks lke that sort of arragement where they do not have to with with someone full-time so it never gets dull. Both BS and OP can compete with each other. don't know how healthy that is.

 

I am sorry for the pain you feel from your childhood. Though I found out my mother had an affair when we were very young it never brought me any feelings other than annoyance that even then they should have divorced. I think we all have issues from our parents that we try and deal with as adults. Some of us address the issues head on, some ignore and repeat, others do the exact opposite. But we aren't responsible for anyone but ourselves. Our parents are human, they have their own fundemental issues that they have built their lives on and don't always make the best decision. Shoot there are many people that should have thought twice about having kids. But nonetheless we all walk our own roads.

 

You have to own your life and do the best you can by it. Acceptance has been key for me and my loved ones. I put down my boundaries so my self worth isn't harmed and let everything else go.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I would love to know why it seems so many people fall "madly" n love in the confines of an affair. A woman or man may date 25-30 people n ther lifetime of dating, Then BAM! they meet married person and that is the one they were 'meant to be with"? Are all the single people that bad?

 

Then there are the folks who dated a lot of people. But after many relationshps, met the one they are in love with and finally settle down. Ironically , they meet someone who is willing to have an affair, and then BAM! They fall in love wth the only other person they got intimate with after marriage. But before marriage, they were so damn picky and finding it hard to fall in love.

 

Psychologically, I wonder if " this person is off limits"is fueling the feelings of love and obsession. Like when you are on a diet and begin to obsess about the food that is off limit to you. But when the food is readily available in abundance you have little thought about it.

 

 

 

Well, I'd like to know more about the seeming 'data' you are covering in your observation... but outside of that, I think that marriage requires or inspires a first true EMOTIONAL EXPOSURE to others, and then, once somebody learns the tricks to reaching such vulnerability, it is only from that point that they become more capable of sharing it with others, perhaps online or something.

 

Maybe, with, say, a brand new young couple of 18, or whatever... it takes some TIME and struggle before each is willing to be truly VULNERABLE toward the other. They may have had to slug it out emotionally before both sides became perfectly agreeable to RISK so much vulnerability... then, eventually they get married... and any subsequent dalliances by either one outside of the marriage feature the same person then more familiar with the intimate rewards of vulnerability, and less resistant TO the emotional risks of vulnerability.

 

When it is a quicker path TO those magical fields of shared vulnerability, a lot of nitwits mistake that for love, feelings, or "soulmates".

[Woman In Blue]

Does everyone find their soulmate AFTER they marry?

Well, it sure would appear that way from everything you read here. Well, until the affair is over and the MM is seen in a bit of a new light. Then, not so much.

[jennie-jennie]

Does everyone find their soulmate AFTER they marry?

 

Two words: serial monogamy. We change throughout life, and so do our needs. IMO it is pretty naive to believe that one person is going to be your "soulmate" your entire life. If more people would accept that simple truth and move on when a relationship is dying, we would have less affairs.

[xxoo]

Two words: serial monogamy. We change throughout life, and so do our needs. IMO it is pretty naive to believe that one person is going to be your "soulmate" your entire life. If more people would accept that simple truth and move on when a relationship is dying, we would have less affairs.

 

It doesn't seem there is a problem with people moving on; starting a new relationship is moving on.

 

The problem is that the original relationship/soulmate still does meet many needs, and people aren't willing to let go of that relationship. That is the "cake eating" part--keeping two partners to get all their needs met.

[worlybear]

Two words: serial monogamy. We change throughout life, and so do our needs. IMO it is pretty naive to believe that one person is going to be your "soulmate" your entire life. If more people would accept that simple truth and move on when a relationship is dying, we would have less affairs.

So I take it that you will step gracefully aside away from your MM when he decides that he wishes to move on?

[jennie-jennie]

So I take it that you will step gracefully aside away from your MM when he decides that he wishes to move on?

 

Why not? It is what I have done in the past. If the love is dead, what is there to keep anyway. An institution?

[jennie-jennie]

It doesn't seem there is a problem with people moving on; starting a new relationship is moving on.

 

The problem is that the original relationship/soulmate still does meet many needs, and people aren't willing to let go of that relationship. That is the "cake eating" part--keeping two partners to get all their needs met.

 

I think part of the problem is that the MM are able to separate the two functions "wife" and "woman". They have no need to replace their wife as mother and partner of the family. They do have a need to replace her as a romantic partner. Their solution for this is to separate these two functions. The position of wife is filled, but the position of romantic partner is available.

 

So the wife becomes reduced to wife and mother, while the OW is offered the position of intimate partner and lover only.

 

In a society (like the one I live in) where it is clear that romantic love goes before marital contract this is much less of a problem than in a society where marital contract goes before romantic love. In the former society it is natural to have your romantic love object as the center of your life and family. The MM in the latter society wants to fulfill his duty and obligation and care for his wife and family. He feels he can only do this by keeping the family intact. So instead of moving on he takes on an OW for the needs his wife does no longer fulfill for him.

 

You can call it cake-eating if you want. I suspect a lot of these MM are men who have built their identity on doing things right, on being trustworthy and caring, on being the providers, and thus have a big problem in doing something as selfish (in their eyes) as initiating divorce and moving on to a new relationship for the sole purpose of their own satisfaction.

 

IMO the cake-eaters are those who enjoy having two women, not those who can't figure out what to do once they have split their world.

[worlybear]

Why not? It is what I have done in the past. If the love is dead, what is there to keep anyway. An institution?

Then I respectfully suggest that you have never experienced true love. Just infatuation.

[xxoo]

I think part of the problem is that the MM are able to separate the two functions "wife" and "woman". They have no need to replace their wife as mother and partner of the family. They do have a need to replace her as a romantic partner. Their solution for this is to separate these two functions. The position of wife is filled, but the position of romantic partner is available.

 

So the wife becomes reduced to wife and mother, while the OW is offered the position of intimate partner and lover only.

 

Considering the two positions, the wife/mother seems far more person-specific/soulmate-ish. Meaning, that woman and that woman alone can fulfill the need for wife/mother. That is an unchanging need only she can fulfill. Lovers are replaceable.

 

In a society (like the one I live in) where it is clear that romantic love goes before marital contract this is much less of a problem than in a society where marital contract goes before romantic love. In the former society it is natural to have your romantic love object as the center of your life and family. The MM in the latter society wants to fulfill his duty and obligation and care for his wife and family. He feels he can only do this by keeping the family intact. So instead of moving on he takes on an OW for the needs his wife does no longer fulfill for him.

 

It a society of serial monogamy, it strikes me as foolish to have the romantic love object as the center of life and family. Where is the stability of Family for the children?

 

Nevertheless, in the bolded sentence you use the word "want" to describe the MM's desire to care for the wife and family. I would have used the word "need". And why not? It seems like a reasonable need to me. It is a need, however, that can be met without remaining married.

 

That is why I believe it is more than altruistic need to care and provide. I believe the wife--that specific woman--meets selfish needs for the MM that no other woman can fulfill (in his opinion). Those needs might be the right woman on his arm at business events, or, more often, the woman he wants sitting by his side at his children's weddings....playing next to him with their grandchildren....sharing their holiday dinners. She is in the script as Family in a specific role, and he wants to keep her in that role for selfish reasons.

 

You can call it cake-eating if you want. I suspect a lot of these MM are men who have built their identity on doing things right, on being trustworthy and caring, on being the providers, and thus have a big problem in doing something as selfish (in their eyes) as initiating divorce and moving on to a new relationship for the sole purpose of their own satisfaction.

 

IMO the cake-eaters are those who enjoy having two women, not those who can't figure out what to do once they have split their world.

 

I have no doubt that many MM struggle with the life of lies and deceit they've created, and wish they could be completely fulfilled with one woman. But the bottom line is that they likely can't be fulfilled with one woman--because they selfishly need their wife and still need another.

[OWoman]

Then I respectfully suggest that you have never experienced true love. Just infatuation.

 

True love seeks self-actualisation for the beloved; it doesn't seek to keep the beloved shackled to a lover they have cast off and no longer desire, through manipulation or obligation. True love clothes itself in dignity, it does not demean itself by clinging desperately with childish dependence.

[Spark1111]

True love seeks self-actualisation for the beloved; it doesn't seek to keep the beloved shackled to a lover they have cast off and no longer desire, through manipulation or obligation. True love clothes itself in dignity, it does not demean itself by clinging desperately with childish dependence.

 

Could not agree more OW.

 

So why do so many MM/MW run around in secret with their AP, hiding texts, communications, rendevous, hotel bill receipts and the RELATIONSHIP with their new beloved?

 

Why not just TELL the TRUTH and set their unknowing spouse free to do the same?

[jennie-jennie]

Could not agree more OW.

 

So why do so many MM/MW run around in secret with their AP, hiding texts, communications, rendevous, hotel bill receipts and the RELATIONSHIP with their new beloved?

 

Why not just TELL the TRUTH and set their unknowing spouse free to do the same?

 

Because they believe in commitment, even to the point of remaining committed when the object of romantic love has changed. That is why commitment needs to follow romantic love and not the marital contract. Otherwise you are asking for affairs.