ItsNeverForever Posted December 8, 2010 Share Posted December 8, 2010 Man, I don't know what it is, but this morning I was mad as hell, and feeling like nothing could stop me. But the past few hours have been absolutely miserable with grief, questions, sadness. Starting tomorrow I'm going to be consumed with caring for my mother for the remainder of the year, but I feel like I don't know how I'm going to make it through tonight. WHY do I feel like I would feel better if I just heard SOMETHING from him? ANYTHING??? I have no intention of responding, but I feel like just knowing he was there pining for me would make this more bearable. But...but...just the fact that he hasn't said a word to me for 5 days should have me soooo angry with him, this man who claims to care so much about me and who just 5 days ago was saying we were going to get back on track and everything would be ok. It's just plain mean, this silence. This sucks. I hope I don't fall apart and lose my resolve to keep NC. I'm feeling really weak. And I don't know why. It's not logical. :( Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted December 9, 2010 Share Posted December 9, 2010 Man, I don't know what it is, but this morning I was mad as hell, and feeling like nothing could stop me. But the past few hours have been absolutely miserable with grief, questions, sadness. Starting tomorrow I'm going to be consumed with caring for my mother for the remainder of the year, but I feel like I don't know how I'm going to make it through tonight. WHY do I feel like I would feel better if I just heard SOMETHING from him? ANYTHING??? I have no intention of responding, but I feel like just knowing he was there pining for me would make this more bearable. But...but...just the fact that he hasn't said a word to me for 5 days should have me soooo angry with him, this man who claims to care so much about me and who just 5 days ago was saying we were going to get back on track and everything would be ok. It's just plain mean, this silence. This sucks. I hope I don't fall apart and lose my resolve to keep NC. I'm feeling really weak. And I don't know why. It's not logical. :( I'm sorry that you're hurting so much How did your night go? You're going through a hard time - and going to be taking care of your mother and that's going to take a lot out of you, so I do completely understand why you're just yearning for his call - because at least that would show that he's thinking of you, and that he cares about you. You're going through a hard time, and you would have loved for him to be your rock (that's what a person that loves you would be for you), but he hasn't even talked to you in 5 days. And so I do understand your hurt and how this adds so much more pain to an already tough time. Things will get better in time - and you seem like such a strong person, you don't even need him to even think of you - you're going to come out of all of this stronger. ***HUGS*** Link to post Share on other sites
Hazyhead Posted December 9, 2010 Share Posted December 9, 2010 I'm sorry that you're hurting so much How did your night go? You're going through a hard time - and going to be taking care of your mother and that's going to take a lot out of you, so I do completely understand why you're just yearning for his call - because at least that would show that he's thinking of you, and that he cares about you. You're going through a hard time, and you would have loved for him to be your rock (that's what a person that loves you would be for you), but he hasn't even talked to you in 5 days. And so I do understand your hurt and how this adds so much more pain to an already tough time. Things will get better in time - and you seem like such a strong person, you don't even need him to even think of you - you're going to come out of all of this stronger. ***HUGS*** Great post, Tiger. INF, pleeeeeaaase don't break NC. Unplug the phone... cut the wires on the internet... whatever it takes. I know it doesn't feel like it but you ARE making progress, please don't throw that away. If you contact him you will be back in that sucky situation and you deserve so much more. I know you miss him and it's so hard to switch your brain off, to stop thinking of him just for a second, but remember, it's okay to feel sad - you'll have to go through that to grieve the end of the relationship. You're on the road to recovery and it WILL get better, I promise. Is there anyone you can go and visit for a decent distraction? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ItsNeverForever Posted December 10, 2010 Author Share Posted December 10, 2010 Tiger, Hazy...call me a weirdo but I'm having an emotional day so forgive me when I say I LOVE YOU! I've just been feeling so foolish...but you know what? Right now, I don't remember much about last night or how I got thru it, except that I put the earbuds in when I went to bed & the internet radio kept my mind calm. In fact, most of my sleep was occupied by a dream about a gorgeous, tall, super hunky, strong man who adored me, & carried me everywhere we went. Interesting how my brain found a way to make me feel loved when I really needed it...& by a man who by carrying me was effectively supporting me, like a ROCK. At least that's the way I see it. Today I've been so occupied @ the hospital...surgery started 3 hrs late, & the reconstruction was not possible once they opened her up to see what they were dealing with. Everything else is a-ok, cancer did not spread & she should have extremely good odds of no recurrence. But its been a lonnnnng day, lots of family in & out, my phone on fire, etc., so thank God I haven't had a minute alone, no time to listen to the "MM chatter" in my head. My very wise Auntie at one point asked me what was going on, bc lately I've been someone she doesn't recognize. So I told her, "20 minutes, I'll tell you as much as I can, then no more." Well, turns out she's a pretty smart lady, & really gave me some great insight. I won't go into it now, bc although I really hope she's right, that doesn't matter until the day HE proves her right. To have any more hope without actions, is as ridiculous as believing Santa Claus might pay off my car for Christmas & bring me a winning lotto ticket while he's at it. But the important outcome of our conversation was how she pointed out specific reasons that prove he cares, & that he's absolutely thinking about me, that it's only been a week, for Pete's sake ("we already know you, most impatient girl on the planet, but simmer down - one week is nothin!") & right now he's actually doing me a favor. And she's absolutely right, regardless of the ultimate outcome. So it's 7pm, & I'm officially calling this the end of a successful NC Day 6...that's five more days than last time, so yay me! The weekend is coming though, & those are the worst. Strength in numbers? So I'll post when I feel weak & hope my LS friends (who I officially love - LOL!) will help hold me up. Now, off for more coffee... <3 Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted December 10, 2010 Share Posted December 10, 2010 Aaaw Sweetie - I love you too!! I'm so glad that you made it through a rough night and that your day turned out better. Tiger, Hazy...call me a weirdo but I'm having an emotional day so forgive me when I say I LOVE YOU! I've just been feeling so foolish...but you know what? Right now, I don't remember much about last night or how I got thru it, except that I put the earbuds in when I went to bed & the internet radio kept my mind calm. In fact, most of my sleep was occupied by a dream about a gorgeous, tall, super hunky, strong man who adored me, & carried me everywhere we went. Yeah...I have those dreams too, and that hunky man is usually Denzel Washington Today I've been so occupied @ the hospital...surgery started 3 hrs late, & the reconstruction was not possible once they opened her up to see what they were dealing with. Everything else is a-ok, cancer did not spread & she should have extremely good odds of no recurrence. But its been a lonnnnng day, lots of family in & out, my phone on fire, etc., so thank God I haven't had a minute alone, no time to listen to the "MM chatter" in my head. I'm so glad that you got good news regarding your mom. That's definitely something to be grateful for My very wise Auntie at one point asked me what was going on, bc lately I've been someone she doesn't recognize. So I told her, "20 minutes, I'll tell you as much as I can, then no more." Well, turns out she's a pretty smart lady, & really gave me some great insight. I won't go into it now, bc although I really hope she's right, that doesn't matter until the day HE proves her right. To have any more hope without actions, is as ridiculous as believing Santa Claus might pay off my car for Christmas & bring me a winning lotto ticket while he's at it. But the important outcome of our conversation was how she pointed out specific reasons that prove he cares, & that he's absolutely thinking about me, that it's only been a week, for Pete's sake ("we already know you, most impatient girl on the planet, but simmer down - one week is nothin!") & right now he's actually doing me a favor. And she's absolutely right, regardless of the ultimate outcome. Since I dont know exactly what your aunt told you - all I can say is that I'm really glad for you that you have someone that cares about you that knows of the situation and will listen and support you. I also think that you're a smart girl to be cautious and think according to the bolded parts. So it's 7pm, & I'm officially calling this the end of a successful NC Day 6...that's five more days than last time, so yay me! The weekend is coming though, & those are the worst. Strength in numbers? So I'll post when I feel weak & hope my LS friends (who I officially love - LOL!) will help hold me up. Now, off for more coffee... <3 Weekends can be tough when you feel lonely, but that's all the more reason to motivate yourself to go out and have some fun. Call up a friend, go for drinks, go watch a movie. I think if you make a point of trying something every weekend (maybe something that you haven't even tried before) - weekends would become fun, because it would be an adventure every time. I know sometimes its hard to get motivated when you're feeling down, but once you do it, you feel so glad that you did. And of course, if you're feelin down or just wanna chat - u know where to find us Link to post Share on other sites
blinded_27 Posted December 10, 2010 Share Posted December 10, 2010 But...but...just the fact that he hasn't said a word to me for 5 days should have me soooo angry with him, this man who claims to care so much about me and who just 5 days ago was saying we were going to get back on track and everything would be ok. It's just plain mean, this silence. I can pretty much guarantee he is thinking the EXACT same thing sweetie. Hang in there Link to post Share on other sites
Author ItsNeverForever Posted December 10, 2010 Author Share Posted December 10, 2010 I can pretty much guarantee he is thinking the EXACT same thing sweetie. Hang in there Blinded, I'm not sure what you mean...that he knows exactly how rotten he's making me feel by dropping out on me like this??? And continuing his silence anyway? I have more to say about this whole mess, but right now I'm on my phone & it's a real PITA trying to write this way. Ugh! I'll be back after I settle in for the nite with the laptop. I have a tiny window of freedom tonite & I'm going to dare to venture to the "gym" for an hour, as I am 99.99999% sure he will not be there, I need the exercise therapy, & it it might be nice to possibly see some friends I haven't seen in a couple weeks. Wish me luck! Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted December 11, 2010 Share Posted December 11, 2010 I'm sorry that you're hurting so much How did your night go? You're going through a hard time - and going to be taking care of your mother and that's going to take a lot out of you, so I do completely understand why you're just yearning for his call - because at least that would show that he's thinking of you, and that he cares about you. You're going through a hard time, and you would have loved for him to be your rock (that's what a person that loves you would be for you), but he hasn't even talked to you in 5 days. And so I do understand your hurt and how this adds so much more pain to an already tough time. Things will get better in time - and you seem like such a strong person, you don't even need him to even think of you - you're going to come out of all of this stronger. ***HUGS*** Tiger - great post! You have really come so far! This is a fantastic post!! Great post, Tiger. INF, pleeeeeaaase don't break NC. Unplug the phone... cut the wires on the internet... whatever it takes. I know it doesn't feel like it but you ARE making progress, please don't throw that away. If you contact him you will be back in that sucky situation and you deserve so much more. I know you miss him and it's so hard to switch your brain off, to stop thinking of him just for a second, but remember, it's okay to feel sad - you'll have to go through that to grieve the end of the relationship. You're on the road to recovery and it WILL get better, I promise. Is there anyone you can go and visit for a decent distraction? Hey you! Great post from you too! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ItsNeverForever Posted December 13, 2010 Author Share Posted December 13, 2010 Quote: Originally Posted by blinded_27 I can pretty much guarantee he is thinking the EXACT same thing sweetie. Hang in there Blinded, I'm not sure what you mean...that he knows exactly how rotten he's making me feel by dropping out on me like this??? And continuing his silence anyway? Blinded, I ended up getting an answer to the question I had asked you...and once again, it's complicated and too much for me to detail right this second, after having just returned to work from my "vacation" at the hospital with my mom. Boy, was that a treat. BTW - was anyone else as miserable as I was while the site was down, or was my misery just compounded by the fact that I literally had NOTHING better to do but watch someone sleep for the majority of the weekend? LOL I guess I owe an update. Things change by the minute in my silly world, and in the past week I've received a lot of great advice and insight that have provided me with TONS of clarity, including some right from the horse's mouth - GASP! I don't know why I never expect and am always surprised to hear him say such profound/emotionally vulnerable things to me. Maybe it's the proud Leo part of him that overshadows the emotional bits of him, I dunno. Anyway, I'm gonna go write my update so that it hopefully makes some sense. Of course, NC is broken, again, after our conversation Saturday morning. But I'm not beating myself up about it, 7 days was the longest I've ever survived it and now with this clarity, I realize that NC is going to have to be VERY LC for the time being, and I'm ok with it. I don't even feel the desire to communicate with him for a while, which is a HUGE improvement over the past few weeks...I feel incredibly content. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted December 14, 2010 Share Posted December 14, 2010 Tiger - great post! You have really come so far! This is a fantastic post!! Aaaw Thanks Fooled Once I have come a loooooooong way, it wasn't easy, but I feel the progress I've made - and now I feel like "I'm walkin on sunshine...oh oh oh" Link to post Share on other sites
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