I want more then friends, he's not ready and never sees himself being ready...

[Pebbles59]

with anyone. I have deep deep feelings for my guy friend. And have for months. And he's known this for months. I want more then friendship. He says that he cannot have a committed relationship and doesn't see himself being more then friends with ANYONE.

 

We have had sex, we don't have sex. I iniate the sex, he iniates the sex. I still have feelings for him without the sex. He still wants a lot of my time, without the sex. Over the last week HE wanted my company...either over night or just general company. He enjoys our time together, and yet he can't emotionally give himself to me.

 

We've had a few blowouts because of this, because I do want more. Because he likes my time but I do want more. All because I hurt.

 

Well, I told him that I would like to talk to him in person/face to face. And I think I'm going to tell him that even our friendship needs to cool it because everytime I'm around him and with him. My feelings just grows that much more stronger.

 

He's told me things in the past "you're the best relationship that I've ever had with anyone (believe it or not)", he's told one of my co-workers over the phone "she's the best thing in my life" and he told me a couple of weeks ago "if I were able to say it, if I were able to give myself right now, of course it certainly would be you". And yet he claims not to have more then friendship feelings for me.

 

People have told me, stop seeing him...he'll miss your company and realize how much you do mean to him. I think I'm going to have to opt that way...to save my own feelings over and over and over again. He knows how I feel, he's known it for months...I cannot change it. Some people say if you let things go, if it comes back it was meant to be.

 

He was hurt a great deal by his previous relationship...probably to a point of him not wanting anything from anyone. So even if it was meant to be, his fear could prevent him of what could be!!

 

any thoughts?

unfortunately he lives 3 doors down from me, in my apartment complex. The good side is, my lease is up at the end of May and I'll be moving. So hopefully it won't hurt that much.

 

Pebbles

[opentonewadvice]

Being a friend right now is the best thing you can do. Trust me i have been in the same position as you, and i know it hurts when you really have deep feelings for someone, but at the same time you have to protect your feelings and self-respect. Try telling yourself, Iam going to be a friend he can count on but i will no longer put myself in the situation of getting physical no matter how much i care andd respect him. Because for him to tell you all about his past hurt feelings by his ex, means he is still not ready to take on a relationship right now, and to be honest with you you should be glad he was man enough to even come forth with that. Reason being he probably has a few un-resolved issues with that ex and still needs time to vent , regardless of how it may seem otherwise. Allow some time to pass and for him to develop trust and stop forcing what may already be there with time. Just put that energy and love you have for him as a friend. Meaning no sneaking a couple doors down.

[MeToo]

Hold on, Pebbles59! Have you considered what will happen in our absence? Sure he would miss you. But to what extent? Do you know? The one point, that you mentioned stands out like a sore thumb, “He was hurt a great deal by his previous relationship...”. Guys like this needs “assurance” that you won’t be like the last umm (I’ll be nice) “lady”. The level of trust for any woman he may have is at an all time low.

Although you guys seem like an “item”, don’t overlook what he has been through as a sign of weakness. Who knows, maybe he gave her more than she deserved and came away with a broken heart. At any rate this kind of guy “needs” your understanding of how he feels NOW.

From what you posted, he is struggling to put back the “familiarity” of being with and around a woman he can trust. Too often relationships break up because of unknown and unforeseen reasons not conveyed to the other party IN THE BEGINNING of the relationship. No, it’s not spilling his/her gut. Once a person becomes relaxed with the new friend, they will tell it all. You have his heart now so try to “reason” with him on the issue of your total commitment to him.

 

Remember, ASSURENCE that you will be there. You’ll see. Gradually he will put down that impenetrable guard he has up. Being ready for a relationship? Sure he’s ready, OpentonewAdvice. Otherwise why would he even bother Pebbles59.

[Pebbles59]

he's ready and not just passing time? I sit and think about him all the time, I wonder and curious as to know if he does the same or if he really doesn't care all that much?

 

How can he not though? He asked for my company 5times, 5 days last week. How can you ask/want so much of that time and not care? He says he's "emotionless"...whatever that means.

 

It is soooooo hard when you have feelings for someone...and you believe they have feelings too but are not able to give themselves. I know it doesn't have anything to do with me. And I know I cannot change anyone...how can I make him see/feel that it's safe and alright?

 

I'm trying to go out, that's hard to when you're shy. But even going out, I just feel like I'm going to think about him yet anyways.

 

SIGH....

Pebbles

[opentonewadvice]

Iam sorry to have to disagree with METOO comments but i have to when it comes to the part where she states why else does he even bother with you pebbles, Reason being because he knows you will accept him and give in, without any question or reasoning because he already knows you have strong feelings for him. He trys surpressing his feelings alot when around you, because he still has some issues with the ex, Which are blocking his eyes from plain view of you and your feelings for him. And you being shy, is even harder because it causes you to freeze up probably whenever you want to come forward with more feelings you have. So thats why i suggest you remain on more of a friendly basis with him until you can feel him out more and open him up more freely about what really all went down with the ex and his trust issues. and then win him over. it is never good to just jump at the chance of an opportunity. better to jump at a more fulfilling and rewarding opportunity where you have an equal balance of love, respect, and trust. Three of the most important keys to any relationship.

[Pebbles59]

And I believe that he has all three feelings for me. I think he's just not able to express it and doesn't want to. His friends know who I am, his mom knows who I am. Parts of me think that I just need to stay away from him for a period of time because of the amount of time that we do spend together is painful for me. I cannot just push my feelings aside, you know? But I also know and agree that, he KNOWS that I have feelings for him and me being around him is comfort enough. And he knows that I'll continue to do it, therefore he doesn't really "need" to think about how he feels, perse. Moreorless crap or get off the pot type of situation.

 

It's just very very hard when you love someone and they live 3 doors down and you talk to him all the time on the internet if it's not in person. You see him in passing, you see online.

 

For the last couple of days I've been blocking eveyone from my IM list. 1) for he doesn't know I'm on and 2) for my own protection to that if he sees me on and doesn't IM me like he usually does.

 

I think we will always be friends but I certainly cannot be a friend that he needs right now due to what I feel for him. A friend that he needs is one that was there for 5 days in a row because he wanted company (nothing bad or naughty happened) and I'm happy to be there but then he turns around and says he doesn't want a committed relationship, etc. Where he's been with me for the last 10 months and he hasn't seen anyone else.

 

Should I continue to block myself from the IM? or should I unblock myself? If he wants my company, should I decline? If he asks to bring me Buffalo Chicken from Ruby's-should I decline and say that I'm not hungry?

 

If I see him online and towards the end of the night, instant message him just with a "have a good night..."-would that be alright or is that bad?

 

any more thoughts?

Pebbles

[tygerr94]

Girl, dump him now and run like hell! I just went through this EXACT same thing. It ended in disaster. Find someone who CAN be with you and who deserves you!

[DarkClouds]

Have to say I agree with Tygerrr unfort. Im recovering from one I broke up with 5 months ago, because of the same things... He thought he saw a long future with me and vice versa but he had 'issues' to deal with first... 10 months of waiting and nothing.. Turns out he was way too confused... Now I hear he moved on to a new chick, 2 months after we split and is doing the same with her... He in the mean time totally screwed with my emotions, devastated me to the core... I'd advise you to find someone who wants you NOW for who you are and knows it with certainty... I don't care what it takes anymore - I will not be the waiting door mat for another...

 

Hope u have betta luck with yours...

[lydiamarie]

all right...so here's my two cents...

 

we all can argue about this and try and convince you of what to do one way or the other...but we don't know all the details and we don't know either of you and we certainly haven't seen you together, so we just don't know. ultimately you have to listen to yourself and your intuition to know what's really going on. if you feel like you're being used, then chances are, you are. if you have mutual friends, or just friends who know your situation really well (make sure that you have told them the WHOLE truth, it's really easy to shape someone's opinion by being selective in what you tell them) then you could do worse than to consider their advice...good luck...

[faux]

You are continually placing yourself in a position where this guy can take advantage of you all that he wants. I say have nothing to do with him anymore, at all. I do not think it would ever be wise to even try to have a relationship with this guy. Obviously he is unwilling to commit, and to me does not seem very attentive or nice.

 

I think he is taking you for a ride, using you, confusing you with false hopes and words which can be interpreted in many ways. I feel he is manipulating you and that you should remove yourself from this situation as soon as possible, never to look back. I see enough here that says, "Do not get involved with this guy! Don't even TRY!"

 

I don't like it when people have an emotional tether on me. I don't like feeling trapped and controlled. I can't see how you've been able to put up with this for so long.

[Iamhappy]

I'm going to have to side w/ Faux on this one.

 

He likes a lot of things about you, eg. the readily available sex, the ego boost, all the benefits of a relationship w/o the hassles of actually being in one, etc., but he does not love you.

 

You've already stated that you want more, but he doesn't.

 

I think Faux hit the nail on the head,

I think he is taking you for a ride, using you, confusing you with false hopes and words which can be interpreted in many ways. I feel he is manipulating you and that you should remove yourself from this situation as soon as possible, never to look back. I see enough here that says, "Do not get involved with this guy! Don't even TRY!"

 

This guy is not your friend.