How do you maintain NC??

[starryeyed12]

I am at a loss. I have been stuggling with the idea of NC and trying to stay away from my ex for months and months. When I read peoples theads and posts about maintaining NC for long periods of time I am in total amazement. I literally don't know how you do it! I read further and further on trying to superimpose myself into people's situations and get a feel for what my life could be like right now if I could remain NC. I feel like many experiences on here would probably mirror my own. In my weak attempts at NC, I start to feel a deep sense of loss, sorrow, regret, yearning, and I just can't take it. It swallows me whole.

 

Consequently, I have yet to go a full week without contact. After a few days of NC, I break down and start texting, he breaks down and responds, and we end up sleeping together, even hanging out for a few days until our same old issues crop up again.

 

It is a double edged sword, because I know better that the nature of our relationship is one that is toxic. It's been a terrible rollercoaster ride that I still can't seem to get myself off. Reading the advice to "let go, stay busy, NC," even giving it out myself and realizing how wonderfully true it all is just hasn't made a difference so far. I start doing these things for a few days, and then the longing, fear of losing him, and saddness drive me to do crazy things. I get him back eventually every time, but our relationship is caught between a rock and hard place, and neither one really wants to budge on our biggest issues.

 

When I begin NC I feel good. FREE at last of the chains that bind me! I feel less stress, I feel happy again. Fast foward a day or two and I can't sleep, can't eat, I have awful dreams, my emotions are much too close to the surface and tears well-up with the drop of a hat. I just want to sleep. It's 6 o'clock and I just lay in my bed, room dark, silent tears I can't stop from leaking out. I don't want to wallow, but I can't help it. I don't want to be around people because I don't want to talk about it, and I don't want them to see me cry. I'm to the point where only 1 of my friends knows about my pain anymore. What's the point in talking about it anymore when I just keep repeating myself, and it just makes my friends upset and worried about me? I don't want that.

 

During my periods of NC, when I do drag myself out, I can only have fun until a certain point. I think about my ex, sometimes even more when I am talking to a guy. I text a few different guys. I've even gone on a date and spent time with another guy during a few of our days apart. I wouldn't let him touch me though. We're friendly and we flirt, but I can only let him in to a certain point and my loyalty to my ex paralyzes me. To be honest, I don't want another man to touch me right now anyway.

 

The thought of letting another man in seems impossible and just plain exhausting.

 

Last Friday I woke up knowing it was going to be a bad day. I had a feeling I would do something to try and see him again. It was 6 days of NC, and I started really, really missing him. Like an addict, I needed my fix of him. A vivid dream started off my day very emotional. The anger of what we fought about and the reality of our issues dissolved at that point. I miss his scent (I hate that I love his smell so much and he loves mine as well), I miss his lips and his face and his and...yeah and I get a little consumed by this on these days. I drown myself with the only songs that sound appealing to my ear, which are ones laced with sadness and regret and yearning. Finally, my feelings brim over the surface and I break NC only to find he is weak as well, and the cycle begins again.

 

The sex is not just sex like we tell each other it will be. We make love, and last Friday it was such an emotional return that tears came out afterward, partly because I love him and felt so close and wish things could be different, and partly because I know what kind of pain is in store.

 

I'm back to square one now.

 

I'm envious and also scared to death of all the long-term NCers on here. The pain and memories seem to last a while. I'm not sure which is worse, months of agonizing NC or this continuing cycle....

 

I just don't know what to do. I want to have real happiness. I don't want to keep wasting more time trying to breath life into something dead. Is this normal or are we just weak people? Am I holding on because something is telling me he is the one, despite the problems? Is there any kind of pills I can or should take to dull my emotions? Any advice would be much appreciated.

[Leandro]

It starts with a goal.

 

set a goal to go 1 week NC, after that go 2 weeks, then 1 month, 2 months and keep going.

 

After a while you'll just stop counting and stick to NC.

 

If you feel like breaking it, come here first and post on the "post here instead of your ex" thread. That helps a lot.

 

I've only been in NC for 13 weeks, I'm sure people who have been in NC longer can give more advice.

[Joeschm0]

My weakness is that I'll answer if my ex sends me a txt or sends me a msg on fb for example. I've come to realize that I need to stop contact in order to heal (despite the fact that I broke up with her...i regretted it and want her back but it doesnt look like thatll happen), but when she sends me a txt for example...is it best to just not answer? i dont want to be rude either...

[starryeyed12]

It starts with a goal.

 

set a goal to go 1 week NC, after that go 2 weeks, then 1 month, 2 months and keep going.

 

After a while you'll just stop counting and stick to NC.

 

If you feel like breaking it, come here first and post on the "post here instead of your ex" thread. That helps a lot.

 

I've only been in NC for 13 weeks, I'm sure people who have been in NC longer can give more advice.

 

I did try this once. A friend actually made a bet with me to go 2 weeks without talking or at least seeing one another. Needless to say, I lost the bet and owed him 2 shots. It got me through a few days, but I eventually said "eff it," and we hung out.

 

I've even posted in the NC thread once. Ugh!! I just don't know what to do.

[starryeyed12]

My weakness is that I'll answer if my ex sends me a txt or sends me a msg on fb for example. I've come to realize that I need to stop contact in order to heal (despite the fact that I broke up with her...i regretted it and want her back but it doesnt look like thatll happen), but when she sends me a txt for example...is it best to just not answer? i dont want to be rude either...

 

I guess it's not a good idea to answer. I can't resist the urge to respond when me ex texts me, even if its just to argue. I am one of those people who just likes to air it all out and let the chips fall where they may. It makes me feel better to just say what I need to say instead of swallowing it down. In this case when I let out how I'm feeling, it makes me feel better temporarily and that makes me really want to be with him. Airing it out somehow gives me hope if that makes sense. I don't know why I want to have hope with him because I am almost certain that he will never change.

[alwayshoping]

Hey I think the thing NC does is gives you perspective.

 

You have to want whats best for you and have a good support structure when doing it.

 

I broke NC 3 times after the break up, after 3 days, then 4 days, then 2 weeks.

 

The thing I realised though was that even though it felt great at the time of talking/seeing her I would eventually start to feel worse!

 

So I went NC with the help of my friends and all the lovely people at LS.

 

Every time I wanted to text back or call her I would send the text to a friend instead (they said it would be better to send it to them). Then once week passed and I realised I wanted to call her even more, so my friends told me to call them instead! I did that and got to 2 weeks and then really just wanted to hear her voice! But what stopped me was knowing I would have to start again, I had already told her if she wanted to get back together then to call me (in my final text) so decided that I would keep going.

 

Its a rollacoaster for the first 2 months, and thats normal! Its supposed to be hard! When you start getting emotional, lonely, tired of NC, tired of your friends, that also another phase, and you soon learn they pass. You just have to try accept the bad days for what they are, knowing a good one will come sooner or later!

 

Im nearly 100 days NC and honestly feel a lot better. After day 20 you just don't want to start over and that will keep you going (or at the very least it will help).

 

Send him a final text and tell him to bang your door down if he wants you as a GF otherwise he's really just using you and not allowing you to move on. If he truly loved you thats what he would want. Tell him you need space and when/if your ready to be friends you will let him know.

 

As a final note. My ex ex ex gf stopped talking to me for a year and I respected her so much for it. It showed me she had morals and principles, I missed her so much and would think of her all the time. Then she called one day and told me we could be friends and since then I have regretted breaking up with her but realise I would much rather be friends because I didnt deserve her at the time.

 

The point is, keep going back to him and he will use you like a doormat. You cried after sex, and if he doesnt realise this isnt fair on you then he is a douche. If he truly cared he would give you time to heal.

 

Try a day. Ignore him. (it will be very hard)

 

Then try more. then when your on two weeks he will call and text less.

 

By a month you see he's not banging the door down and never truly cared and it will make NC easier (to some degree).

 

Perhaps make a NC thread and whenever you feel lonely or about to break post on here so we can all help you?

 

Good luck x

[strangeways]

it makes me feel better temporarily and that makes me really want to be with him.

 

Remember this. It only makes you feel better tempoarily. Every time you have contact IN ANY WAY. You go back to square one. If you're serious about it defriend him on FB and find out about blocking his number on your phone and DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM He is using you for his own selfish needs.

 

Airing it out somehow gives me hope if that makes sense. I don't know why I want to have hope with him because I am almost certain that he will never change.

 

You don't know what you want. You cannot think clearly at the moment. NC will help you realise what you want. It will, eventually, calm your emotions and give you clarity. It's for you to heal, to be become aware and rational about the situation and what you REALLY want. If you have hope that he'll come back (don't count on it) you need to go NC anyway.

 

Use the post here instead of contacting your ex thread.

 

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step".

 

Read Caliguys guide to NC:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/

Edited December 9, 2010 by strangeways

[mgene15]

NC is a fight... it's kinda like a test to yourself...you just have to fight the urges ... almost daily the first month....and each week after that it get's a little easier..but it'll test your will

[starryeyed12]

alwayshoping- I think thats a good idea. When the urge to text strikes I can text someone else. The problem is that the urge to text him usually happens late at night or when I wake up from some dream at 2 am. I've texted him before after a dream like that. I know I shouldn't, but I just feel a strong desire to tell him what's going on or my thoughts. Sometimes he responds, sometimes he doesn't. I feel like he gets some sort of satisfaction from this attention, and he doesn't need to respond for me to know this. I like him knowing that I have given him this attention because I feel like it keeps a small glimmer of hope alive for us both.

 

Strangeways- You make a good point. I guess I don't really know what I want and I agree that NC will give me some perspective. I do know this: we are compatible on many levels, but his lifestyle is one that I can not deal with anymore. He knows he needs to change certain things about his lifestyle to actually find the happiness and security he seeks, but I can't make him, and resentment has built up between us. I guess I hang on to hope because I do love him and I know he is capable of the changes he needs and has said he wants to make. What if he makes those changes in the future? I don't want to be moved on and settled for someone else and now he is ready for me. Thats the fear.

 

I read these threads from all you long-term NCers, and it still sounds miserable. I just don't know what misery is worse at this point because there is still the hope that things will change. Nothing can stay the same forever-that goes for choosing the NC route or the rollercoaster route. Something will give in either situation, but which route is worth it in the end???

[starryeyed12]

NC is a fight... it's kinda like a test to yourself...you just have to fight the urges ... almost daily the first month....and each week after that it get's a little easier..but it'll test your will

 

My will seems to get weaker and weaker as the week rolls on and I have yet another sleepless night. Sleep deprivation turns me into a walking emotional zombie by the week's end.

[strangeways]

but his lifestyle is one that I can not deal with anymore. He knows he needs to change certain things about his lifestyle to actually find the happiness and security he seeks, but I can't make him, and resentment has built up between us. I guess I hang on to hope because I do love him and I know he is capable of the changes he needs and has said he wants to make. What if he makes those changes in the future? I don't want to be moved on and settled for someone else and now he is ready for me. Thats the fear.

 

Well, IMHO, lifestyle is a big incomapability. The timetable for his changing these certain things is HIS alone to set. How long will it take? 1 week, 1 month, 1 year, never? He says he's capable and wants to change but will he? How long are you willing to wait? there's also no guarantee that he'll want to come back after he's made these changes. It may be easier to start with a clean slate with someone new. How would you feel about that?

 

Also, who says you have to "settle" for someone else. Do you really, honestly believe that there is no one more compatible than him.

 

I really believe that you'll be able to answer some of these questions when you've been NC for a while.

 

I read these threads from all you long-term NCers, and it still sounds miserable. I just don't know what misery is worse at this point because there is still the hope that things will change. Nothing can stay the same forever-that goes for choosing the NC route or the rollercoaster route. Something will give in either situation, but which route is worth it in the end???

 

NC is miserable to begin with. But it gets better. You're right, nothing stays the same forever but if you choose NC (even for 30 days or so) things will get better and clearer.

 

Holding on to hope has, potentially, no end. NC will eventually lead to an end to your misery.

 

If he changes and wants to come back then fine, you can assess the situation with a clearer head. But I really would not count on him doing so.

[starryeyed12]

Holding on to hope has, potentially, no end. NC will eventually lead to an end to your misery.

 

If he changes and wants to come back then fine, you can assess the situation with a clearer head. But I really would not count on him doing so.

 

You've given me a lot of think about. Right now, I know that NC will be long process, downright miserable at times. On the other hand, I know that the rollercoaster is a nightmare as well, but at least I have some relief. There is a chance that the "thing" that gives will be his lifestyle choices, and we can finally get better. But I guess it just depends on how long I want to wait, as you said.

 

At this point, the idea of finding someone more compatible seems like wishful thinking. I don't live in a big city, the pickings are slim here. I love him and we connect on a deep level. I'm very attracted to him, as he is to me, so when we break down and have sex, it's not just for his selfish desires, but mine as well. The desire is very strong after a few days apart. By the end of the week I'm exhausted and emotionally drained and also wanting him badly. It's his biggest weakness as well because I know he is sick of the rollercoaster too. I think if I can get over that whirlwind of emotion day, I just may be able to go the distance.

Edited December 9, 2010 by starryeyed12

[starryeyed12]

Alright, so a few friends and I went to the bar tonight, and normally I would think about texting him,but alas that is a bad idea. So I am going to post here. Just heard Anberlin "Impossible"

 

take what you want from me, it means nothing now

take everything from me, it means nothing now

not so easy to forget, harder to forget

take what you want

 

Used to think you it was your song for me...take what I want from u, but I now relize its my song for u. You take what you waant from ME. IT does mean nothing now.... at least. for now. Thanks. goodnight. Dream of me cuz Lord knows my dreams won't be pleasant.

[9Lives]

I gave myself a goal month by month until I finally made it. Anything I want to say to him I post on Post here instead of contacting your ex. that helped alot to say what I needed to say. You will be stronger soon.

[strangeways]

I know that the rollercoaster is a nightmare as well, but at least I have some relief. There is a chance that the "thing" that gives will be his lifestyle choices, and we can finally get better. But I guess it just depends on how long I want to wait, as you said.

 

As you know the "relief" is temporary. Then it starts all over again.

 

What's his impetus to get back to you? At the moment you're giving him sex, intimacy, emotional support. All of this without the commitment. Wouldn't be enough for me and doesn't sound like it's enough for you.

 

Why should he get his cake and eat it? What about you? This is going to sound harsh but f**k him. He doesn't want to be with you, despite what you think he thinks. He doesn't sound like he's making any effort at all.

 

You being in his life might actually mean that he won't bother to change.

 

Don't get me wrong I'm not saying use NC as a way to make him change and get back to you. It doesn't work like that. But, NC will probably be the best for BOTH of you. All sounds very unhealthy to me at the moment.

 

Set youself some milestones; 3 days, the 1 week, then week by week. It's a battle with your emotions. Don't let yourself be defined by your emotions. They will lead you to act impulsively.

[alwayshoping]

Hey,

 

Just wanted to give you so words of advice my friends given me.

 

When you break up with someone, its like your brain damaged.

 

Love is blind.

 

Its taken a while but I finally get that when your the dumpee the months following the break up are like being a brain damaged, blind fool. We think we want them back, but really we know we are better and that if we were thinking straight said people wouldn't have a chance with us because our standards are higher than that.

 

You need NC to give you this perspective so that you can start thinking about whats best for you and not him. Right now your only hurting yourself and making him feel better. Its time you started giving yourself the attention you deserve, when that happens you will see men (good and bad) flocking around you and then it will be your time to have the pick of the litter (so to speak).

 

I know you will say your not ready and you still love him, but NC will get you to look beyond the Rose tinted glasses.

 

Good luck x

[starryeyed12]

9Lives- Thanks for your encouragement I keep hearing about this setting a goal tactic, which I have tried once before, and it seems to make a lot of sense.

 

My problem is sometimes when I focus on a number, as the days pass that number starts to freak me out. For example, I will be on day 3, let's say. I naturally think about that, 3, 3 whole days, good for me 3 whole days NC. Hurray! Then, it turns into 4. It's only been 4 damn days and I miss him!? This is so hard and it's only been 4 days! Day 6, OMG its been 6 days without him, has he forgotten about me?? What the heck has he been up to? I talked to this man nearly every day and always knew his general plans for the week. It's been 6 days, my connection seems faded and I feel on the verge of losing it. Now I'm miserable. 6 days, I can't even imagine 66 days apart. I can hardly imagine this man not in my life and when I do it makes me sad. Eff it, I'll text him, it's only been 6 days.

 

This makes me sound crazy, and I guess I do feel kinda crazy right now, but its is my shameless truth.

 

alwayshoping- Thank your for your advice. I think my above response proves your idea of being brain damaged. How does a brain damaged person go the NC distance? Sounds like a bad joke.

[starryeyed12]

What's his impetus to get back to you? At the moment you're giving him sex, intimacy, emotional support. All of this without the commitment. Wouldn't be enough for me and doesn't sound like it's enough for you.

 

Why should he get his cake and eat it? What about you? This is going to sound harsh but f**k him. He doesn't want to be with you, despite what you think he thinks. He doesn't sound like he's making any effort at all.

 

You being in his life might actually mean that he won't bother to change.

 

Stangeways, your posts upset me. Not because you are offensive, but really because you are right. I do give him what he needs for little in return. I'm sure that's not helping his motivation to change, if there is any at all. I guess I do it because I feel like I need him. And if he didn't really care about me he wouldn't go through with his end of it. He'd just go start over with some other innocent girl, who would honestly be walking threw a minefield without even knowing it. I'm glad he hasn't yet because we both aren't ready for anyone else at this point.

 

Last time we were together he of course said all the things I have been wanting him to say to me- I'm his dream girl, I have no idea how hard this is for him, he thinks I'm beautiful, that he loves me (that was a big one because he is not the type to just throw that word around everyday). When we lay in bed together with my head on his chest and his arm around me it just feels perfect. I get tingles to my toes and I just love him so much. I want him to be my husband.

 

One thing (of many)about his lifestyle is that he could never afford a ring. We found one at an antique shop once. The sales lady had me try it on and it felt like magic. I'd never seen a ring quite like it. It was the one. We didn't have the money for it and we decided that it would probably be there a while. We went to another jeweler to see how much it would cost to size it a bit better for me. I called to see if it was still there a few months after we had left. It was there. When my friends would show me their engagement rings, I would think about it. How unusual and cool and beautiful it was compared to those brand new rings.

 

About a month ago I travelled back to that city to get away and visit a friend. I had her come with me to the antique shop. I searched and searched, but the ring was gone. Someone else got my beautiful ring. I don't know why I'm telling this story because it makes me very sad.

 

I guess you're right that my emotions defile me. Despite the wrongs and the problems, he has still been a friend, a confidant, a lover. He laughs at all my jokes. I love his laugh. His 7 years old son is darling and smart, and he loves playing with me. I get sad knowing I won't be able to see him grow into a handsome young man. And Nikki, his cat, God I love that cat. Shes the sweetest, cutest cat ever. I miss her too. And that feeling when we lay in bed together. Thats why I let my emotions defile me, I suppose. Thats why I am in awe of all the NCers out there, and why I just can't keep my head on straight. It's been 24 hrs now, btw.

Edited December 10, 2010 by starryeyed12

[strangeways]

Stangeways, your posts upset me. Not because you are offensive, but really because you are right. I do give him what he needs for little in return. I'm sure that's not helping his motivation to change, if there is any at all. I guess I do it because I feel like I need him. And if he didn't really care about me he wouldn't go through with his end of it. He'd just go start over with some other innocent girl, who would honestly be walking threw a minefield without even knowing it. I'm glad he hasn't yet because we both aren't ready for anyone else at this point.

 

Last time we were together he of course said all the things I have been wanting him to say to me- I'm his dream girl, I have no idea how hard this is for him, he thinks I'm beautiful, that he loves me (that was a big one because he is not the type to just throw that word around everyday). When we lay in bed together with my head on his chest and his arm around me it just feels perfect. I get tingles to my toes and I just love him so much. I want him to be my husband.

 

One thing (of many)about his lifestyle is that he could never afford a ring. We found one at an antique shop once. The sales lady had me try it on and it felt like magic. I'd never seen a ring quite like it. It was the one. We didn't have the money for it and we decided that it would probably be there a while. We went to another jeweler to see how much it would cost to size it a bit better for me. I called to see if it was still there a few months after we had left. It was there. When my friends would show me their engagement rings, I would think about it. How unusual and cool and beautiful it was compared to those brand new rings.

 

About a month ago I travelled back to that city to get away and visit a friend. I had her come with me to the antique shop. I searched and searched, but the ring was gone. Someone else got my beautiful ring. I don't know why I'm telling this story because it makes me very sad.

 

I guess you're right that my emotions defile me. Despite the wrongs and the problems, he has still been a friend, a confidant, a lover. He laughs at all my jokes. I love his laugh. His 7 years old son is darling and smart, and he loves playing with me. I get sad knowing I won't be able to see him grow into a handsome young man. And Nikki, his cat, God I love that cat. Shes the sweetest, cutest cat ever. I miss her too. And that feeling when we lay in bed together. Thats why I let my emotions defile me, I suppose. Thats why I am in awe of all the NCers out there, and why I just can't keep my head on straight. It's been 24 hrs now, btw.

 

Starry, well, I don't know what to say. The title of your thread asks "How do you maintain NC". It suggests you have chosen to implement NC but you haven't. You haven't made that decision. You've yet to decide between NC and continuing contact. Other posters have given you adivce about how to do it but it seems to me you still haven't made the decision of what's best for you.

 

This new post from you has brought up some points. He has a son who you may not see grow up. This is a powerful attachment. Again, I have to say forget about what he says. Forget about his son (hard I know). When my ex had her head on my chest saying how much she loved me she was gone the next day and 3 months later I have yet to hear from her. When my kids were running around the bed and jumping on us and she looked at me and she said this was all she wanted, the next day she was gone and 3 months later I have yet to hear from her.

 

His words mean nothing. His actions mean everything.

 

You are stuck. you are reminiscing about the good (the past) and not looking at the present. We're all guilty of this. No biggy.

 

You don't NEED him starrry. You need to find yourself and decide what's best for you.

[starryeyed12]

I DO want to maintain NC because that's the only way to reveal the truth about everything.

 

I'm not sure how or if I am able to do it. I'm effing weak when it comes to him. I have never been this pathetic in a relationship/break up before. I'm not sure what the heck is wrong with me. Maybe I need some pills or something....i dunno. He's been pretty weak too by taking me back after all thats been said and done. He's treated me like **** sometimes, so I really shouldn't care about him. Yet, it's been less than 2 days and I miss hanging out with him. I'm half tempted to try and see him now.

 

But thats just temporary relief. Not long term. Not the solution to the problem. Nope. I'm gonna be happier someday. Meet someone else who does it better, has it all. Yep.

 

If I keep telling myself that maybe I will start to believe it.

 

BTW, what is wrong with people that they can go from laying together, feeling great, proclaiming their love for you...to out the door in matter of days?

Edited December 11, 2010 by starryeyed12

[strangeways]

BTW, what is wrong with people that they can go from laying together, feeling great, proclaiming their love for you...to out the door in matter of days?

 

This is a f**king good question. When you find out the answer, let me know:lmao:

 

But thats just temporary relief. Not long term. Not the solution to the problem. Nope. I'm gonna be happier someday. Meet someone else who does it better, has it all. Yep.

 

If I keep telling myself that maybe I will start to believe it.

 

Keep telling yourself this, it'll help. Post in the "Post here instead of contacting your ex" thread whenever you feel tempted or post here and there'll be plenty of people that dissuade you from doing it.

 

It really is just a matter of girding your loins, sucking it up and stopping yourself. It does get easier.

[J0N]

I have been NC for nearly 60 days now. There is a period at the beginning which really sucks, no sleep, no appetite, and non-stop thinking about the ex. Every time my phone buzzed my heart would skip a beat. You must resist the urge to contact your ex, delete phone #s, block on FB, & most importantly make it a point to go to places where you know you won't bump into your ex. Different people do different things, this worked/is working for me. I still think about her but the urge to call her is decreasing by the day. I still care about her but it's fading. Put up the wall if they really want you, they know how to contact you. Walk away. It's hard but it will get better. Best of luck!

[J0N]

NC is absolutely essential to getting over somebody and moving on. Think of it like this, you are a recovering alcoholic every time you call/text/sleep with him it's like giving the alcoholic a shot to take the edge off. You will feel better for a little while, but they will be back at square one again. The only way to recover is to stop drinking. Most people know they have to do this it's just really hard to take the first few steps. And while your at it you should box up all of the photos/gifts/etc that remind you of him and put them away for a while. It's sort of like the alcoholic putting away Budweiser posters and any other related memorabilia. I know this is a silly example but I have a cousin who I am pretty close with who is a recovering alcoholic, who laid it out for me like this and it helped me to resist the urge to call. He was also the person I call when things get bad and all he has to say is "Do you think it would be a good idea for me to take a shot?" he's been sober for five years and is enjoying every minute of it.

[starryeyed12]

My God...LS down for several days and I still maintained NC! Yay me!! :D

 

5 days of NC. I feel good that I can finally start concentrating on my goals and stop wasting as much energy worrying/pissed off about his life problems. In that respect I feel free and confident. However, as free as I sometimes appear, I can't lie, I still feel imprisoned by the love that remains for him.

 

Last night was rough. I got about 3 hours of sleep, and I almost broke down and did something terribly stupid. But then, I thought about everything I have talked about/learned on here. I thought about all the things people have written, and I couldn't bring myself to do what I know I should not. Thank you to those who have responded and also other people for sharing their stories. It really has helped me....slowly.

 

I did, however, start to think about the circumstances that would have to occur in order to give us another chance. I know this may not be smart because it does give me a very, very small glimmer of hope. I can't help but still think of that scenario, though the feeling that things will never change grows in me more and more each day.

 

I'm worried about NYE. Our last "cycle" together we started to make plans. I know its still early, but right now I just can't imagine any other person in the world I would rather kiss at midnight (well, not anyone realistic that is). As trivial is this may seen, its a hurdle I don't want to trip over for just one night, but, damn, it is tempting...

[starryeyed12]

Think of it like this, you are a recovering alcoholic every time you call/text/sleep with him it's like giving the alcoholic a shot to take the edge off.

 

This is so true. I definitely feel/sound like an addict sometimes!! All those love chemicals in the brain are pretty powerful stuff.