How do you maintain NC??

[starryeyed12]

Well, here I am after midnight, unable to sleep again because my resentment and yes ANGER are brimming over the surface.

 

And I was having a good day today. I even talked to a guy I had developed a little crush on from work. He IMed me on facebook and wants to get drinks sometime. He is the total, 180 degrees, polar opposite of you, R. That alone just about makes him Brad-effing-Pitt in my eyes.

 

My hurt has now become anger. I'm so angry that you've done this to me. I'm even more pissed at myself for letting you. Yes, I let you in the end. Don't think you had the upper hand on me. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I chose to take the degradation, the suffering, the false hope. I chose idiot compassion. I chose it for you because I foolishly loved you. I couldn't see myself not laying next to you each night, watching you sleep peacefully, feeling you against me. It soothed me. Now, I don't sleep.

 

I positively loath you now. Screw you for loving me so deeply, or pretending so, and then doing JACK S*** to work for our future, your future, your son's future. Of course I can not MAKE you change! Of course you are not the type of man to have any woman tell you what to do! But what then do I do when I know my stubborn, self righteous man is wrong, lazy, and just plain selfish!? Swallow down the jagged pill of resentment each day until you decide to act or maybe not? Screw that.

 

You said you wanted what I did. You said I gave you hope and help with a second chance at your dreams and a real f****** life. Instead I work toward our dreams while you lie around and tickle your own "fancies" day in and day out covering for yourself by believing there are no opportunites to be had. Funny, I found some...

 

So, in the end you choose your escapism and fantasy over me, your son, and the real life issues that await you.

I would have done anything for you- learned every life lesson with you, fought through every storm, continued to love you passionately. But why should I? It's all me compromising and fighting and you just making excuses for why its still all my fault. Do you realize that in the end you never compromised a single thing about you? Nothing. You always had an excuse, and it was a cold day in hell before you ever apologized. F*** that! I deserve someone more kind hearted than that. I know you are a tortured soul, but I can not let you take it out on me anymore.

 

Our perfect times together were perfect. I've never desired someone as much as you. But you are a liar. It's all fake now. It's all a waste. Oh, am I bitter? Well, not for long.

[alwayshoping]

6 days NC today! I just wanted to say well done and keep up the good work x

[homebrew]

If you are having problems with keeping NC...

 

I suggest reading the following:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t257021/

 

I think it could help!

[starryeyed12]

Thank you homebrew! I'll take a look at it.

 

Alwayshoping, thank you for your support! I hope you're doing well too!

 

Tomorrow I will break my first NC record. It will be 7 days without him! The only thing I'm a little leery of is if he were to try and contact me in the next few days. I'm scared of how I would respond to that and what I would do. I can tell myself a million times to just come on LS or follow the other advice I've been getting, but you just never know what response is going to take over. I'm in a pretty fragile state of mind here. I guess I can cross that bridge when (or if) if get there. For now, I'm feeling good.

[J0N]

Don't pick up the phone, don't answer texts, and stay off of FB and other social networking sites. Also, NYE, don't do it, unless you want to start the entire process over again. You can do it!

[Fermentum]

It will be hard. Very hard. I almost broke today, she's back in town and was 5 subway stops away from where I was staying. It would have been so easy to just text her and ask to meet. But I talked to my brother and my friend and stopped myself and am glad I did. Because I know it would just set me back.

 

I'm on Day 39, and it's a slow, slow process. It gets better sometimes, and sometimes she's all I can think about. The best I can suggest is to find a support system for when it's all you can do not to contact them.

[alwayshoping]

hey missey,

 

Day 7 NC! Keep it up. Its time to smash that NC record so you can help yourself move on!

 

Im on day 120 NC and tbh its so easy now. I do miss her but am so glad I dont have to deal with her crap anymore. NC is such a rollacoaster, we all take our own time when doing it, my mate took 300+ days to get over her, others only 20. I think it took me about 100 to realise just how little a person she was in my life, and how the people I least expected have stepped up to fill the void she left inside me. Dont set a limit for how many days it will take, when your hearts ready you will know. Just focus on you for the time being and having as much fun as possible.

 

Anyways I just wanted to give you some encouragement as I know today will be hard not to break NC. You can do so much better and things will only get easier with NC. Who knows you may meet the man of your dreams whilst in NC. So stay positive and try stay busy as that always helps in the first few weeks NC.

 

Good luck and stay strong x

[strangeways]

7 Days! Good for you!

 

By the way, that anger you're feeling is good. I found it helped me to keep NC in the early days.

[starryeyed12]

J0N- Thanks for the encouragement! I think you're right about NYE too. I just have to wrap my mind around the idea that we can't spend holidays like that together anymore. It hurts.

 

Fermentum- Good for you!! How strong of you to keep your cool knowing she was so close. Not sure I could have done it, but it's still early for me. You are probably right that it would have set you back. And theres no use in that considering how far you have come!

 

alwayshoping- Why thank you. 7 days, yay! I'm just smashing through records now!

 

That's awesome that you have come so far and learned so much! 100 days to realize it though, huh? That seems like an eternity to me, but you seem to be in good spirits, and confident that things are for the better now. That's good to know.

 

strangeways- Anger does seem to help! I don't like to be angry, but thats just where I'm at right now. Anytime my mind starts drifting to better days, its like this black cloud hovers over and the whole memory feels different. Deep down it is all very sad to me, but anger seems to give me more energy than sadness. I need that energy to get myself out of bed some days. I'm just looking forward to the days when a positive energy is one that gets me up each day.

[starryeyed12]

We aren't friends on facebook and all of our photos are gone except one. This does help tremendously. Except...I have been looking at his facebook page, although most of it is blocked since we aren't friends.

 

The past few days he has made a few subtle changes to his info. I just have this feeling that its happening because he knows I am looking. He's put a couple stupid things on there that I'm quite confident I would be the only one to care/notice anytime soon.

 

Ex. A few days ago he randomly added that he speaks Swahili and some other far out languages, just to be silly. I know he knows that I would notice that and roll my eyes, but crack a smile.

 

So, to test it and see if he was still looking at mine, I changed my quotes. I added some that if he read would probably provoke some kind of response in him. Well, literally hours later he changed a quote on his page to "Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop." I don't think he thinks people will think he's being serious with that one (if anyone even notices anytime soon) because his page isn't serious or sentimental. But I noticed, of course, and now I know he's looking at my page, and he knows I'm looking at his.

 

This probably isn't helping any though. And I am going to cut it out.

Edited December 15, 2010 by starryeyed12

[starryeyed12]

Screw the nighttime. It's when I can't stop myself from thinking of you in circles.

 

 

The last song we listened to together. I want to smash the CD you gave me. The madness of you and I needs to end sometime. I can't just keep coming back. It has to be over. I miss you and I love you. Good luck with your life. Give B and Nikki my love. Goodnight.

Edited December 16, 2010 by starryeyed12
link

[starryeyed12]

I hate my life right now.

 

Horrible day. Exhausted. Emotionally drained. Work f******* sucks. Miserable.

 

Hanging on by a goddamn thread.

8 days NC.

 

God please give me strength to get through this. He is not the answer. Temporary relief. Not the solution. It'll all be okay. Yep.

 

I want to break down so badly.

[starryeyed12]

Sh********.

 

Ex just texted me 3 novel long text messages...

 

He knows how to hit me when I'm down.

 

An excerpt:

 

You were just so focused on trival, minute things to notice the good. i appreciated and noticed your attempts to make me happy, they were just too interwoven with attempts to change me. i am sorry for the hurt i caused u. but u are wrong about me and i hope someday u realize how things didnt have to be they way they were.

 

 

I am dieing to respond....:(

[strangeways]

Sh********.

 

Ex just texted me 3 novel long text messages...

 

He knows how to hit me when I'm down.

 

An excerpt:

 

You were just so focused on trival, minute things to notice the good. i appreciated and noticed your attempts to make me happy, they were just too interwoven with attempts to change me. i am sorry for the hurt i caused u. but u are wrong about me and i hope someday u realize how things didnt have to be they way they were.

 

 

I am dieing to respond....:(

 

 

I do hope you didn't respond! Did you?

 

He's baiting you and picking up the pace! What a d**k.

[alwayshoping]

starryeyed! It will get easier I promise, Your on a roll with NC and tbh what will replying do? It will still prove to him that your still head over heels for him and thats all. You need time for yourself. Your brain damaged atm and need time to heal. Don't listen to your heart and reply, just ignore it, that will say more to him than any reply ever could.

 

Keep going lovely, your doing so well x

[starryeyed12]

Well, he pretty much stated that he thinks I was being way too unfair and harsh on him, and that he's not the man I think he is. He's not selfish because why else would he have come to my grandma's funeral 2 weeks ago. He didn't want to come, but he did. He told me he was heartbroken and miserable after I walked out on him, and that he's weeping inside because it hurts so much to think that I think of him in this way.

 

He says he tried everything to treat me like a "princess." Funny, I don't remember the part in the fairytale where the princess gets slapped in the face by her prince charming. He thinks I get too caught up in the minute details, to notice the good. He thinks that I don't know what I want or who I am because I have not been through the life trials that he has. The whole trying to change him thing was my fault.

 

I did respond.... Just to say a few things that I have written on here about my view of it all.

 

I was in such a low place yesterday that I just didn't care anymore. TBH, I feel much better today. I don't have hope that he's going to change or that we're going to make it any more or less than I did the day before. I feel a little relief that it's not just me going through this heartbreak. And he said in his text that I'm the closest to his dream girl he's ever had and that's very hard to get over. It made me feel better to know that somewhere in this whole mess he may have actually loved me like I loved him. And if so, then maybe it wasn't all for naught. Maybe someday we will walk away from the situation knowing that because of it we are better people than we were the day before. That makes me feel good because, honestly, all I ever wanted was for us both to be happy.

[J0N]

Starry, maybe you should smash that CD...

 

Delete those Text messages, and resist the urge to look at his FB profile. We all have weak moments (me alot lately as well) but you have to stay away from anything that reminds you of your ex. Trust me, there may be a slight short term good feeling from it but in the end you will feel like $h!t again. Also, don't let him use you (you know what I am talking about )

 

There have been so many nights that I have been so tempted to call my ex that I literally will go out to my car, and lock my cellphone in the glove box. I can honestly say I know how you feel, and it does suck. We all know that ultimately there is only one thing that is going to help us move on, unfortunately it is also the hardest thing to do.

[J0N]

Starry,

I do not care what the circumstance is nobody should ever hit you. That is not ok, even if he just slapped you. "real" men do not hit girls. period. You deserve better than that.

[alwayshoping]

Starry, I can't believe he hit you!

 

No guy should ever hit a lady, period. Seriously you can and will do so much better.

At least things are resolved to an extent now were you can re-employ NC. Let's start smashing through those records again so you can heal and realise just how lovely you are and how much better you deserve and can do.

 

He is definitely going to realise he made the biggest mistake of his life and by then it will be too late.

 

Remember to keep posting if things get hard. We are all here for you when you need us.

[starryeyed12]

Hey guys, I know, you are so right. He crossed the line with that and it's something that I never will forget.

 

Well, I seemed to have opened Pandora's box by replying to his texts. They keep coming in now. I wish he had just made some feable effort such as, "I miss you," or "Are you up?" Those would have been so easy to ignore. He certainly knows how to pull my heart strings. Just when I had broken a NC record, he swoops in with a barrage of texts explaining himself and apologizing and sharing his grief. I thought I was just saying my peace and I did find comfort in that, but now it's like he's trying to work it out- explaining his actions, good and bad, and wanting to know mine. It's very hard to ignore. I just don't know what to do. There are still so many things about his lifestyle that I would want to change. As strangeways said thats a big incompatibility. But I do love him, and I know that a connection and love is hard to find. It's very hard right now to know the difference between what is right and what is easy.

[alwayshoping]

hey lovely.

 

The hardest things in life are often the right things. Otherwise everyone would be a nice person. Trust in your head. Just take the time of NC. A connection and loving someone can be found with anyone given the right circumstances and really getting to know them.

 

Also when you said you wanted to change his lifestyle. Thats who he is. People do not change. Only circumstances change. He may change it for a while to get back with you but sooner or later he will be his old self and you will regret everything. He should want to change for himself otherwise it will never be a permanent change.

 

Dont worry about the record, they are made to be broken, and then beaten. You will do better and genuinely seem like someone who deserves a hell of a lot better than your ex.

 

Just keep your head up, and remember to take sometime for yourself. Change your number if you have to. Just believe in your self worth and that will guide you out of this mess x

[starryeyed12]

Thanks, always. I think you're right about letting my self worth be my guide.

 

The biggest issues I have with his lifestyle is that I want him to be a more motivated, driven person. I want a life with him to have stability. I want us to afford a house and a car and the whole package. As he lives now, he is hanging on by a thread. Just getting by each month with the essentials and money to entertain himself. He gets mad when I ask him to look for jobs because he thinks it's worthless to look and that you need to know someone these days to get in anywhere. I know one day his circumstances are going to change, but I just don't know what the outcome will be. I never thought of myself as a shallow or superficial person, but there are some things I do want in life and I want a partner who can hold his end of the deal. It would be nice to have a man who gives something back with his career too. That's what I do as a teacher, and while it's not essential, it would be very nice.

 

There's a lot to process between us.

[alwayshoping]

its not superficial to want your partner to make you a better person. If they are to make you a better person they should posses traits you admire and if they a lack ambition (even a little) then how are you supposed to respect them?

 

my best friend has no ambition and I always tell him to do something with his life as its just not attractive. I don't mean become a brain surgeon but at least be the best in your field no matter what you do (as long as you enjoy it). Then you will be able to provide everything your family will need!

 

If your self worth is telling you that you can do better then deep down you know what to do! Good luck x

[starryeyed12]

Just wanted to give an update.

 

My ex has been trying pretty hard to get back together. He been contacting me and being very kind lately, but most importantly he's been trying to land a good paying job at an assembly plant. He's gone there twice now, talking to people, and he also knows a guy who works there. It *might* work out, but its going to take more time and effort on his part, so it remains to be seen if he will actually pull it off/how long he will actually stay working.

 

Christmas was nice with my family and friends. They kept asking me about him and if I was still seeing him. I said no, and that prompted some of them to tell me their opinions of him. My cousin's husband said that there's something wrong with a guy if he doesn't have his work together by his mid 30s. My aunt told me to keep him around as a good lay, but to never stay with a man over 30 with no money. Lol She's also the "crazy" aunt though. But it hurts me a little inside hearing people judge him like this. He has struggled with a lot of issues in his life, and he always reminded me of this fact if I was losing my nerve with him.

 

But at the same time, he did bring most of the struggles upon himself. He had a choice to drop out of college. He had a choice to leave jobs. He says that he had to drop college bc he had gotten his former wife pregnant and it became too much. He said he left certain jobs when he was younger because he absolutely dreaded going to them. I feel bad for him because the one thing he does love in life is to sing and he is talented. He was the lead singer in the biggest band in the city for several years when he was younger. He left jobs and sacraficed a lot to be part of it, and it was his passion. In the end, the manager of the band kicked him out because they didn't get along. He just up and said it was over one day after years of playing together. My ex was pretty dejected after this and more life problems ensued.

 

It's funny because he told me that his old bandmate and manager sent him a Christmas card this year. He hasn't had much contact with the guy in years. But he sent my ex this Christmas card with a note apologizing about how things ended so poorly and with 2 weeks pay in cash enclosed. He said that he owed him because he never gave him 2 weeks notice, and that its been something he's never forgotten. I said that the Ghost of Christmas past must have paid him a visit and he's been feeling rather guilty. It was very strange.

 

Anyway, I feel bad for my ex, that his life has shaped out the way it has. I've realized something too. He never saw himself falling in line with a normal job and routine and lifestyle. His passions are music and film production. But, I've realized that to have that luxury you have to either be very talented at your gift (ex. song, writting, art, acting) and have extreme drive/ambition OR come from money so you can do what you like when you like. He seemed to have neither the drive nor the wealthy upbringing, so at some point he needed to "fall in line." He needed to decide a more practical route and find something he could at least somewhat enjoy. Instead he's been in and out of jobs, living a meager life and time just keeps clicking away. [sigh] :(it makes me very sad. I feel like its such a waste of life. But, then again what the hell do I know, as he always says.

 

I love this guy, I really do. But I can't help feeling like I should just listen to everyone and drop him completely. It's so hard though. He's a man and I know him inside and out now, all his flaws, and he knows mine, and to me thats a bond thats proving very hard to break. My exs in the past were *never* this hard to leave. What keeps me with this man? I don't know. I mean, I have reasons for loving him, but theres this big, huge, massive, issue that keeps grinding into me. Yet, I can't let go and neither can he.

 

As I was thinking of m ex one night I was reminded of one of my favorite poems that I studied in American Literature class in high school. I'll share it....

 

A PSALM OF LIFE Longfellow

 

WHAT THE HEART OF THE YOUNG MAN

SAID TO THE PSALMIST

TELL me not, in mournful numbers,

Life is but an empty dream ! —

For the soul is dead that slumbers,

And things are not what they seem.

 

Life is real ! Life is earnest!

And the grave is not its goal ;

Dust thou art, to dust returnest,

Was not spoken of the soul.

 

 

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,

Is our destined end or way ;

But to act, that each to-morrow

Find us farther than to-day.

 

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,

And our hearts, though stout and brave,

Still, like muffled drums, are beating

Funeral marches to the grave.

 

In the world's broad field of battle,

In the bivouac of Life,

Be not like dumb, driven cattle !

Be a hero in the strife !

 

Trust no Future, howe'er pleasant !

Let the dead Past bury its dead !

Act,— act in the living Present !

Heart within, and God o'erhead !

 

Lives of great men all remind us

We can make our lives sublime,

And, departing, leave behind us

Footprints on the sands of time ;

 

Footprints, that perhaps another,

Sailing o'er life's solemn main,

A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,

Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,

With a heart for any fate ;

Still achieving, still pursuing,

Learn to labor and to wait.

 

 

 

Well, I'm done with my venting. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday!