Coping with the first time he is going out since cheating....

[Rose1977]

So... my bf cheated. You can read all the gory details in my other thread, but really the only pertinent detail here is that he cheated, we agreed to work through it and he has literally been on lockdown since march with very little complaining from him. Well, he wanta to go out. And honestly I want him to go out. If we are working towards marriage, I can't keep him locked in the house forever (though it is a tempting thought). Plus, I'm getting kind of tired of looking at him EVERY night. Sometimes I just feel like screaming "GO OUT AND DO SOMETHING". Then I remember he's not allowed because I told him not to and he agreed in an effort to show his devotion . He probably could have showed devotion by not soliciting sex from a prostitute, but that's in the past

 

Anyway, I think he is a bit confused right now, because I told him it was fine for him to go to his work Christmas party tonight. Mind you, the people he works with are the same ones he was with when he got in trouble before, but I know this event is very important for his job and all the big bosses are there, so it's everyone's opportunity to kiss ass, which is apparantly a huge part of the job description in his field of work.

 

Probably should mention that until 2 months ago this was a bit of a LDR... not too far, it was driveable every weekend, but different states. I have since moved in with him, and tonight I have to go back to my hometown to take care of something with my son. There is no other time it can be done, so will not be returning until tomorrow night.

 

Here's the thing - I don't WANT to call him when the party starts, during, after, etc.... part of me feels that giving him distance will make him question even more WTH is going on. I have played the calling every 30 seconds psycho for too long. I kind of feel like he should have the common sense to call me when he arrives at the party, once during, again as soon as he leaves, and then once again when he gets home. How should I handle this? Should I be the one to call or should I just wait to see if he has the common sense to do it? I really feel that with how overbearing I have been and how untrusting I have been, I kind of need to throw him for a loop by not bothering to call and see where he is if he chooses not to call me. Am I even making sense here? Oh I should probably throw in that he is a bit clueless about the unwritten word that when a woman says don't call she really means "Call nonstop and alert me of your location.. and send pictures of where you are as well as the first and last name of every person surrounding you". He's pretty clueless about all things women think, probably because I am his first real relationship.

[xxoo]

I kind of feel like he should have the common sense to call me when he arrives at the party, once during, again as soon as he leaves, and then once again when he gets home. How should I handle this? Should I be the one to call or should I just wait to see if he has the common sense to do it? I really feel that with how overbearing I have been and how untrusting I have been, I kind of need to throw him for a loop by not bothering to call and see where he is if he chooses not to call me. Am I even making sense here? Oh I should probably throw in that he is a bit clueless about the unwritten word that when a woman says don't call she really means "Call nonstop and alert me of your location.. and send pictures of where you are as well as the first and last name of every person surrounding you". He's pretty clueless about all things women think, probably because I am his first real relationship.

 

I don't have any advice about coping post-affair, but you need to communicate your expectations and needs clearly to your partner! If you expect him to call when he gets there and when he gets home, tell him that.

 

I'm a woman, and I wouldn't understand that you mean "call" when you say "don't call".

 

Just ask him to please call when he arrives, when he's leaving, and when he gets home so that you know he arrived at each destination safely. That's pretty normal between couples, and doesn't sound overbearing at all.

[Rose1977]

Thank you. I know I should communicate to him what will make me more comfortable with him going out (i.e. the times I expect him to call) and I know he would do it. I'm just frustrated, it seems like there are no right or wrong answers in how to deal with this stuff. I'm a very black and white person, and I deal much better with problems that have clear cut answers. But this love crap LOL... it just feels like trial and error sometimes. One of my biggest problems is expecting him to know what I am feeling wthout me expressing it and then getting mad that he doesn't share that telepathic connection with me. I think I need to bring that up in couseling.