On and off ex/ baby mama hinting interest on facebook.

[Mrlonelyone]

I have a somewhat complicated situation.

 

I am a 30 year old multiracial/black male. My ex is a 30 year old Pakistani woman. We met 10 years ago in college and it was lust at first sight that became true love, affection, and respect. We had hot and cold running passion. We were off and on for four years. Breaking up over geographic inconvenience, and social pressure. At one point she was engaged/ arranged to another man for marriage. We fooled around anyway. After that no contact for almost two years.

 

When I reestablished contact I found her with a child who's resemblance to me was uncanny. Though she has never claimed I was the father, I am certain I am. The resemblance is too striking. We tried to make a relationship work, tried to become a family unit for the kids sake and ours. That did not work out, and we broke up. We both just gave up on trying to build a relationship. We have had 6 years of practically no contact. Merely incidental contact, or holiday greetings and not every year at that.

 

Here we are 6 years of no intimate relations and almost no face time. Then earlier this year I find that we have mutual facebook friends. We can see what the other is doing on FB. She is in a relationship for the last month or two according to her FB. I am not. Neither of us has made a friend request yet. We have exchanged messages and know that our stuff is visible.

 

That said I can't help but feel that we are indirectly communicating with eachother via our postings that are visible to friends of friends. Like I'm getting signals of interest from this woman. It would be hard to explain to folks who don't know the games we have played in the past.

 

I don't want to act in a way that might spook her or give her cause to block me, and cut off my only point of contact with my apparent son. On the other hand, looking back on these 10 years...she was the best thing to happen to me relationship wise and I have tried everything else. No one has been as significant. I have really tried to just move on with life.

 

TLDR: Long time on and off relationship with baby's mama, off with basically NC for six years, found on facebook. Signals of interest though involved with another.

 

What if anything should I do about this situation?

[Mrlonelyone]

Really no one has an opinion? Does it all just seem soo far out there compared to the average situation seen here? A second/third chance so many years after the fact?

[alwayshoping]

add her and see what happens?

 

or perhaps keep playing these games a-little longer until your sure then add her!

 

6 years is a long time, clearly you know what you want and you will have both matured enough to make sure if you guys were to get back together that similar mistakes wouldn't be repeated.

 

Take it slow but try adding her and seeing what happens, after all what do you have to lose?

 

good luck x

[Mrlonelyone]

add her and see what happens?

 

or perhaps keep playing these games a-little longer until your sure then add her!

 

A bit more cyberflirting is probably the way to go. The strongest signal I have gotten is not being blocked. That would be a definite signal of no interest.

 

6 years is a long time, clearly you know what you want and you will have both matured enough to make sure if you guys were to get back together that similar mistakes wouldn't be repeated.

 

I'm pretty sure since before neither of us really knew what we wanted. We would speak of our future, and scare each other thinking about such plans.

 

Take it slow but try adding her and seeing what happens, after all what do you have to lose?

 

good luck x

 

Your right. I'm gonna just keep things as they are now for a bit, see how things develop, and then put in a friend request.

[Mrlonelyone]

I am writing to report that I have nothing to report. For all my talk here as if I were very experienced I am dumbfounded by this situation of mine.

 

Considering what my next move should/could be. This womans birthday is coming up. We have had years and years of no contact up until recently. I am considering what move I should make. The feelers I have sent out have been received well.

 

i.e. I wrote a note on FB about privacy.... 10 things one should not discuss on FB. Which she did all of... she has since stopped discussing those things on FB. She reads, considers, and listens to what I have to say...she still, at least, respects me. (for those who don't know.. a "note" on FB is a plain text very simple blog entry that is attached to your page. Someone has to come and look at them. )

 

Another example. She wrote on her status a profession of her affections presumably for the man she's "in a relationship" with. The thing is she does not mention his name, and what she says in it are things she has said to and about me in the past, specific things. She seems to have wanted me to see that. Where I am at is between thinking that it was not about who it seemed...or that it was and I'm nutz for thinking otherwise.

 

Even if this is just us playing our little games now it's fun. At least it's that. A dance of contact without actual contact.

 

To make my feelings more complicated..another woman is showing interest. A very nice young woman. I can't help but feel torn. I would have to meet a beautiful young woman...just as these old feelings are welling up.

 

I guess if we all keep everything casual no one needs to be seriously hurt. I may soon resurrect something old and familiar or start something new.

 

Which leads me back to her birthday...It needs to be both significant but discrete.

[Eddie Edirol]

Dood, youre grasping at crumbs, that youre tossing on the ground. Nothing you have described is flirting games on facebook. Youre setting yourself up for disappointment. Adding her as a friend without a message first is a lame way to go. You have history together, a message of something humoprous from your past would be a better way to go. But since she is professing affection for some guy, assume she is happy and go date the new chick that likes you. If it works out with the new chick, then it does. If it doesnt, then you can check on the old one. But if you actually are the father of her kid, she would have looked for you if she wanted you oin that childs life.

 

I think you are seeing things that arent there to obsess over her and think that you have a chance when you dont. You want to fantasize over this but you wont actually make a real move because you dont want to face rejection. Leave old girl alone, or at least message her and find out if she is hapopy in her relationship and if she is, leave her alone and get it going with the new girl. Who knows, the new girl might be much better, and she doesnt have kids! (hopefully)

[Mrlonelyone]

I appreciate what you are trying to do by challenging what I have written. Some of your assumptions are wrong.

 

Dood, youre grasping at crumbs, that youre tossing on the ground. Nothing you have described is flirting games on facebook. Youre setting yourself up for disappointment. Adding her as a friend without a message first is a lame way to go.

 

She is not a FB friend. We are actually separated by one degree more than that. "friends of friends" via a mutual friend I see whats going on. We have exchanged messages without friending.

 

 

You have history together, a message of something humoprous from your past would be a better way to go. But since she is professing affection for some guy, assume she is happy and go date the new chick that likes you.

 

The problem with that is I know this woman and am familiar with the kind of games she can and will run. Unless you are a player she will rapidly become bored.

 

If it works out with the new chick, then it does. If it doesnt, then you can check on the old one.

 

Did I say I would not do that? I merely lamented that options like this only present themselves in bunches. I seem to either have no options, or an unwanted harem.

 

But if you actually are the father of her kid, she would have looked for you if she wanted you oin that childs life.

 

Your forgetting she's Pakistani. What happens to women in that culture who are found to have been unfaithful to their betrothal/fiancée/husband? Which she was when I inseminated her... Honor killing

 

I don't think her family would kill her. However publicly acknowledging that she had been unfaithful would be devastating in her community. This situation is an open secret which no one discusses.

 

Leave old girl alone, or at least message her and find out if she is hapopy in her relationship

 

You think I can ask her how her relationship is and get her true emotions on it?

 

When I asked this woman if I was the father of her kid she said to me "A real father would know by sight?" (To which I went )

 

When I would ask her out on a date, as she sat in my lap she would say to me "Muslims don't date". Then we would keep necking.

 

This woman never ever is that straight forward that I could just ask her how her relationship was. She hints everything.. hell she may have "hinted" that I was a father!! (I am now only certain because the kid is my mirror image. Another good reason to not be FB friends. What would BF and everyone think if this guy who looks like her son is on her friends list?)

 

and if she is, leave her alone and get it going with the new girl. Who knows, the new girl might be much better, and she doesnt have kids! (hopefully)

 

Dude you need to learn that courtship is a dance, a tease, a seduction. It's not a straight forward.

 

I'm sure some others were thinking what you wrote...thankyou for the opportunity to respond to such toughts.

Edited December 20, 2010 by Mrlonelyone
Adding another detail.

[Eddie Edirol]

 

Dude you need to learn that courtship is a dance, a tease, a seduction. It's not a straight forward.

 

I'm sure some others were thinking what you wrote...thankyou for the opportunity to respond to such toughts.

 

I know that courtship is a dance, you should also be able to recognize when youre obsessed and wasting your time.

[Mrlonelyone]

I know that courtship is a dance, you should also be able to recognize when youre obsessed and wasting your time.

 

1.) If I were obsessed with her I would not have spent the last many years writing one book, getting a masters degree, having a serious relationship and so on. People who are obsessed are basically unable to function because they are so consumed.

 

2.) We have gotten together after long breaks before,

she was engaged/arranged to be married to someone else before,

Time, other people, geographical separation, have not stood in our way before.

 

3.) There are some people here who I gather think that keeping the second or third chance option open is stupid and people should just move on move on move on. There are others who know that this song is often right.

 

 

One last thing Eddie... Reviewing your history you seem to be a downer in general. Negativity does not equal good advice when it comes to this.

Edited December 20, 2010 by Mrlonelyone
Eddie's history of posting.

[Mrlonelyone]

Pondering the second point in my last post. I have trouble recalling why we broke up the last time. She just suddenly did not want to see me any more. The only major action I took was buying a car. A Ford Taurus the kind appropriate for a family. I wonder if that spooked her at the time. Was the idea of being 24 and married just too much for her?

 

Now three years since our last contact, she behaves the way she has towards me. I must sound so crazy to you all.

 

I have sent the friend request. Surely this can be harmless enough. We do have 12 years of history.

[Mrlonelyone]

In reflecting on my relationship with this woman, here is another attitude I may have had to deal with.... The way some people just look down on African Americans.

 

http://marriagepartner.com/forum/showthread.php?t=321

 

106720401

#14863By sophia on Wednesday, January 26, 2005 - 2:20 pm

 

Hi, I'm a Mexican girl, and my best friend who is half-white & half-Mexican is currently seeing a Pakistani guy. Her family really likes him, and he really is an amiable guy. She says his parents however are expecting him to marry a Pakistani or Pakistani-American girl rather than outside of his race, and of course when parents or relatives get involved, it can be difficult to go against their wishes sometimes. So they really don't know at this point what's going to happen with their relationship. I'm glad that my best friend is at least trying to get hooked up with a decent guy, unlike what is going on with one of my cousins.

 

One of my cousins, on the other hand, is currently dating a reckless, lecherous African-American guy, and her parents are really trying to pull her away from him. Her black boyfriend has a really bad temper and is a drug user, so they are having some problems right now. I really hope my cousin gets out of that dysfunctional relationship she's in and at least does the sensible thing by dating a Caucasian, Middle eastern, Oriental, etc. guy if she is going to date out of her race. It really just makes absolutely no sense to date black people, and I know plenty of Mexicans and other Hispanics (as well as Caucasians) that feel the same way. Personally, I'm dating a Mexican guy myself, but if I did go into an interracial relationship, it could be with a man of any race with the exception of black guys of course.

 

Afterall, these barbaric, vile black men are known to be quite abusive and oppressive. Most interracial rapes are committed, of course, by black men. African-American guys are also known to be wife-batterers as well. It happens a lot, and I've heard several terrifying accounts of what happened to some Mexican/Latin girls as well as Caucasian girls that were involved with black men. One of my Caucasian friends was brutally raped by a black man who had STD's, but fortunately she never caught any STD from him or anything. I have to say to all the other Mexican/Latin girls out there that if we date outside of our race, it is simply common sense that we should avoid dating blacks. As I said, I have had friends that have been screwed over by these crazed, maniacal black men, and one of my cousins is currently in a dysfunctional relationship with one as well. It's just much better and safer to date a Mexican, Caucasian, Pakistani, Oriental, etc. man than a black man any day.

 

I also hope things work out well for my best friend who is currently seeing a nice Pakistani guy.

 

Or a simmilar thread here... http://marriagepartner.com/forum/showthread.php?t=319

 

I know she knew better, and the members of her family I met knew better.... but I'll bet allot of people in her orbit said some ignorant $4it.

Edited December 23, 2010 by Mrlonelyone

[Mimolicious]

I wonder why everyone missed the point that there is a CHILD involved here?!?! Poor kid!

 

If you are the father then step up and be a man about it. How can you sleep at night? If you are not, then move on and quit the game playing.

 

It's very easy to find out if this child is yours or not. From the look of it, you and his mother are not very interested in being PARENTS.

[Mrlonelyone]

I wonder why everyone missed the point that there is a CHILD involved here?!?! Poor kid!

 

If you are the father then step up and be a man about it. How can you sleep at night? If you are not, then move on and quit the game playing.

 

It's very easy to find out if this child is yours or not. From the look of it, you and his mother are not very interested in being PARENTS.

 

First of all don't talk smack about how good of a mother she has been. She has been a super mom.

 

Second I did step up. Then I was knocked down and told to keep away. She broke it off with me I did not walk out on her. I was there, and supportive once I found out about our child...

 

Get this. I was not told about him.. I just found her with him when I sought her out. I was not even informed that he was born. But, I was welcomed by her brothers wife and kids, with whom she lived with open arms.

 

I became so familiar that her nieces and nephews referred to me as uncle at one point. Then I was just told one day via a phone call after a lunch date that I had thought went well that she was moving away and would not tell me where, that I should just have nothing to do with her. That I was a fool for believing in love...

 

Only to have her try to make contact with me latter... i.e. seeing me driving down the street she would honk at me and started to pull over as if I would stop after how I was so... discarded.

 

Don't judge us we have huge cultural, religious and racial divides to conquer. That we manged to brave them for a time at all was in my opinion very brave of us both.

Edited December 23, 2010 by Mrlonelyone

[Breakupguy12]

My advice is simple. Send her a direct message telling her exactly how you feel. Then let the chips fall where they may. That way you can rest easy that you've expressed yourself, and you've put the ball in her court. Out of respect for whomever it is that she's dating, don't get sexual in your conversation or disrespectful, but if they're relationship is tight, someone "coming at" his girlfriend (so to speak) is something that shouldn't be a big deal. It's going to happen anyways from time to time, as two people aren't going to be around each other all the time.

 

Sorry for rambling, but basically just tell her how you feel.

[Mrlonelyone]

I am planning the timing of just such a message. Her birthday is coming up next month. If there is a time for a grand romantic gesture that's it. I intend to not only tell her but show her just what she has meant to me over the years...no matter the nature of our relationship.

 

As for that other man I am not going to respect anything. I'm just gonna say what I have to say. If he gets physical I can counter him.

 

My advice is simple. Send her a direct message telling her exactly how you feel. Then let the chips fall where they may. That way you can rest easy that you've expressed yourself, and you've put the ball in her court. Out of respect for whomever it is that she's dating, don't get sexual in your conversation or disrespectful, but if they're relationship is tight, someone "coming at" his girlfriend (so to speak) is something that shouldn't be a big deal. It's going to happen anyways from time to time, as two people aren't going to be around each other all the time.

 

Sorry for rambling, but basically just tell her how you feel.

[Mrlonelyone]

When I speak of this relationship and it's problems some people seem to loose the racial angle. While I don't think the family in question would do what these people did... The attitudes which are prevalent among many of our peoples.

 

This is part of what we as a couple had to deal with.

 

http://abcnews.go.com/TheLaw/story?id=5237459&tqkw=&tqshow=&page=1

 

Atlanta jurors have found an India-born businessman guilty of masterminding the murder of his black daughter-in-law because he feared the mixed marriage would smear the caste-conscious family's name.

 

Chiman Rai, 68, was convicted on seven charges, including felony murder and burglary. Prosecutors will seek the death penalty.

 

According to Associated Press reports, two women arrived at the apartment of Rai's son Ricky and his new wife, pretending to deliver a package. A 300-pound hit man then choked Sparkle Reid Rai with a vacuum cleaner cord and stabbed her a dozen times within earshot of her 6-month-old daughter.

 

This case, which turned from a simple murder investigation into an alleged hate crime across two communities of color, highlights the complexity of race relations in a country that has often framed its prejudice in black and white.

 

But racial intolerance, sometimes in the form of violence, is increasingly more inclusive. Experts say that such bias is nothing new, although the national immigration debate has fueled that hate, giving bigots of all complexions more excuses to act on their ignorance.

 

Donna Lowry, who married Sparkle Reid's father and is now raising the victim's daughter, said, "It was such a shock to us when we found out a few years ago and we were floored.

 

"We had no idea it would go in this direction," she told ABCNEWS.com today en route to the trial. "It's mind-boggling. We are raising her biracial child and there is so much hatred on the other side of the family."

 

Rai's lawyer, Don Samuel, had earlier told ABCNEWS.com, "I'm arguing that my client is not guilty. There is no racial issue involved at all."

 

A dozen witnesses of all colors who had known Rai — once a professor at two historically black colleges — said he was not a racist. But Rai's former cellmate, a convicted forger, testified this week that the accused had made bigoted remarks while in jail, according to reports in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.

 

American-born Amardeep Singh, director of the national Sikh Coalition, which defends the civil and legal rights of Sikhs, admits that his own ethnic group is capable of bigotry.

 

"You don't come to American to learn to be a bigot," Singh said. "There is bigotry in India. The caste system is deeply ingrained and South Asians in the U.S. still practice caste exclusion."

 

And he, too, has been a victim.

 

Racial Slurs Against Sikhs

The 37-year-old is routinely a victim of racial slurs because he wears a beard and a turban. Just recently, while walking home from a Starbucks in culturally diverse Hoboken, N.J., a passerby shouted, "You've got to take that sh-- off your head, you look like a terrorist."

 

"To be honest, I've been called a terrorist by every single racial category — white, Latino or black," Singh said.

 

Last month, during a fire drill at Hightstown High School in New Jersey, for instance, an African-American teenager set fire to a Sikh student's turban, singeing the boy's hair.

 

The incident at this diverse public school with a significant number of blacks, Latinos and Asians enraged New Jersey's large Sikh community

 

"The fact that something like this could have happened is beyond comprehension, especially in this day and age," the victim's mother told the New Jersey Star-Ledger.

 

........... there's more but you get the idea.

 

See here for even more detail. After the indian guy's black wife was killed, he moved to Chicago, married an Indian woman and did not tell her about the half black child, or the black first wife.

Edited December 24, 2010 by Mrlonelyone

[Mrlonelyone]

She has not responded to my friend request, though she has been on facebook now for sure. Her recent activity reports her friending someone else, so she has to have seen my request. I wrote in the message that goes with the request just one sentence that I think will remind her of our times over these many years.

 

On Facebook if one's friend request is ignored then the button to make a request returns to be used again. On the other hand if one really wants no contact one can block a user.

 

I have not been blocked. My friend request still pends. The door is not wide open to me nor is it closed. Hmmm...

[Mrlonelyone]

Quick update.

 

I have sent a email to her address which lays out how I feel about her. It feels good to have said it all.

 

Let me preempt any comment that I should just give up right now.

 

We had a LDR for three years in which I would often send two three four emails with no reply Only to have her reply latter.

 

I wrote that I do not expect her to just drop everything because I wrote a letter...but to at least consider, as I am sure she will, what I had to say.

 

Plus I have seen an omen which makes me think and feel that I may have a better shot than I ever realized.

[Mrlonelyone]

For the latest development see here.

 

This issue seems to be more of a Other man/other woman situation.

 

The boyfriend sent me a reply trying to threaten me.

[homebrew]

YOU ARE THE CRAZIEST DUMPEE THAT HAS EVER WALKED THE EARTH!

Reality, logic and reason mean absolutely nothing to you!

 

I told you that the Boyfriend was going to be coming after you next... Do you still not believe me that I do not know what I am talking about?

 

Would you like to know what is sure to happen to you if you do not get a grip on yourself?

 

An A$$ kicking by your EXes new man and most likely JAIL TIME for you!

 

Even with a RESTRAINING ORDER... Reality, logic and reason will still not matter to you!

 

You believe in your heart of hearts that you EX wants you... WHICH IS CLEARLY NOT THE CASE! (See Below)

 

Once you end up in jail... Will that convince you that your EX does not want you back?

 

Well the good news for us is... We do not have to read your crazy stories / excuses / reasons as to why you believe your EX wants you back.

 

Facts:

 

1. She dumped you 3 years ago.

2. Since then, you have not been contacted by her.

2. She has a boyfriend.

3. She has no free will and her family makes all her decisions for her.

4. Her and her family (who has total control over her) will not let you see your own son or her for that matter.

5. She has rejected your attempts to contact her on Facebook.

6. You sent and email and received a reply from her boyfriend.

 

Your Story:

 

An ex that I have gotten together with and broken up with over the last dozen years turned up on facebook. She and I were very into eachother once. From one of our dalliances she even had a child by me, which for complicated cultural reasons I am not openly acknowledged as being the father of. We, dated six years off and on, and last dated six years ago and had a LDR for three years more.

 

After about three years of no contact. She had just started a new relationship with another guy judging by her FB page about three months now.

 

A example of your crazy logic, reason that you have come up with that makes you think your EX wants you back:

 

I sent a message to her sister in law, who I knew well (from a past relationship with this woman her children refered to me as "uncle".) Her sister in law blocked me, but the ex did not. Then the ex wrote this profession of affection in a sort of riddle form... "if you have a man who does X Y Z and yada yada post this as your status". The thing is XYZ and yada yada were things which refereed to me and not this other guy.

 

I sent another message and made a friend request, which she did not accept but did not reject. Further the ex did not block me...which would be a indication of no interest.

 

Yesterday I decided to go for broke and just tell her that I was still very interested in her and in being there for her in every possible way.

 

If you do not stop and get control of yourself...

 

You will not be "Mr. Lonely One" for long... You will be "MR. I AM MY CELL MATES B!ITCH"

 

Go and get some professional help... You desperately need it!

Edited December 29, 2010 by homebrew

[Mrlonelyone]

My final word on this situation for now and the forseeable future.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3172266&posted=1#post3172266

[aerogurl87]

Homebrew, calm the eff down. You are out of control. I know you think you are helping people but you are acting bat sh*t crazy. Stop.

 

Lol I have to agree. Although your outbursts have me laughing in my chair, I think you should calm down.

 

Mrlonely I've been reading your posts and through this thread and I really think you're holding out hope for a lost cause. Even if her family is a big part of your break up, I don't think she's coming back to you. Maybe she likes the attention of having you chase her, but it doesn't seem to me that she's actually interested in rekindling things with you.

[Mrlonelyone]

Lol I have to agree. Although your outbursts have me laughing in my chair, I think you should calm down.

 

Mrlonely I've been reading your posts and through this thread and I really think you're holding out hope for a lost cause. Even if her family is a big part of your break up, I don't think she's coming back to you. Maybe she likes the attention of having you chase her, but it doesn't seem to me that she's actually interested in rekindling things with you.

 

Your probably right. Even when we first met she would give me some affection....let me get to third base as some men say. Then she would with draw.... suddenly be like no no no no don't talk to me don't touch me stay away from me.

 

Then I would be like whatever and stop paying her any mind...

 

Then she would come around me like she did not understand why I wasn't chasing her any more.

 

So on some level this little exercise was a way for the two of us to feel like 20 year olds again.

 

I'm not sad though. Because I think I handeled this the best way I could. I made my feelings known...and I did not let her BF cow me into not talking to her. (Which would have made me look very weak.)

 

The only thing that worries me now is the welfare of my son, which I can do nothing about. That more than anything depresses me.

 

As far as my love life is concerned I have other prospects. It's just that only with her can I relive those most golden years of early adulthood and have my child back. sigh. Life goes on.

 

Ill bet she'll check her email a couple times over the coming weeks expecting to see something from me in there... some desperate plea...then like before she will wonder why I don't chase her anymore.

[Mrlonelyone]

The more appropriate scene would be "Luke I am your father."

[homebrew]

The more appropriate scene would be "Luke I am your father."

 

^^^^^^Mrlonelyone... That was funny!^^^^^^