Will I ever forget?

[southern_girl]

I have been lurking for a long time and reading others' posts has really helped me but I wonder will i ever really get over it.

 

It has been one year and one week since I found out about my husband's emotional affair with his ex and family friend. It lasted another couple of months after I found out. We separated, he moved out but we eventually got back together. The affair was really hard on me. I believe him when he says they never had sex but I really don't feel like I have the whole story. I see her sometimes and I want to ask but I don't want to be like Clarence Thomas's wife and just rehashing ignorance. I guess I feel like I could get closure if I talked to her. (I refused to acknowledge the emails she sent.) There are days when the hurt feels fresh and I want to move on. Our marriage is good now. He has become super attentive, extremely loving and generally the man I married. I feel like I've also become a better wife and our relationship is better than before, there is just this nag and I want gone.

 

Please tell me it gets better. Anyone with experience? Should I end it now because it will always haunt our marriage?

[What_Next]

My first suggestion would be MC.

[Rose1977]

I know exactly how you feel. You can read my other post about what happened to me and what I'm dealing with and you will see you are far from alone. The constant need to know details I have found through much research and talking to others is very very normal, though I don't understand the reasons why. From what I understand, there are many people on this site sho not only have gotten through it, but say their marriages are even stronger. I am a huge advocate of counseling, both couples and individual. It seems like your H is truly sorry and is showing you how sorry he is by the changes he has made, but I know it doesn't take the pain away. It sounds like you are still friends or associated with this woman... do you think that is a problem with the healing process for you?

[Rose1977]

Sorry, I just reread, and you said you haave ignored her emails. I think it completely depends on your personality. If it were me, I would speak to her and ask exactly what happened. But honestly, now that things are better in your marriage, does it really matter what she says? Back when my BF cheated, I did talk to two of the women in an effort to learn every detail, but I can't say it benefited me any. I have no desire to speak to them now that we are in the healing process. I think it would only bring a lot of the hurt back to the surface again.

[southern_girl]

Thanks Rose and Whats_Next,

 

We tried MC and really it was horrible. We went to a counselor at the university we both attend. The counselor was also a graduate student and really made us both feel like we had no reason to stay married because we didn't have kids. After the counseling we separated.

 

After I posted, I realized what was bothering me so much yesterday was something triggered my memory of him going to her graduation. I told him what I was feeling and he was sympathetic. He thinks all will be better when we move from this town.

 

Rose you are right. It does slow the healing process because there are occasions where the OW and I have seen each other. She is really good friends with his family so she is always at barbecues, baby showers and other events. Many of them I just skip. She is also a member of my MIL's church where I sometimes go. I think I would be a lot better off if we did not live here. I just feel like everyone knows. They really already like her and would much rather them be together. (everyone except my MIL and SIL. They have my back)