To Those having an affair(Or Considering it)

[Owl]

I can't speak for everyone, but I think what's causing suspicion is how he's gushing about how awesome his wife is to take him back and give him a chance, and what a HUGE SLUT the ow is, when in fact, he's just as much of a slut for doing what he did with her.

 

The post just looks like something he's writing in hopes that the W will read it....

 

that's what seems suspicious, I think.

 

Or it could be that he's angry and lashing out because he feels betrayed...he "loved her", but she was sleeping with other men and what she felt for him turned out to be something less than "love"...so he's angry and calling a pineapple a pineapple.

 

This is why I was curious about what expectations he'd had and that they'd discussed about the future of their...'relationship'. If he expected it to be more than she did...now he's angry to find out he was just another 'partner' instead of actually having a relationship.

[redcurls]

Furthermore, and I do hope that your wife is reading this, so she will know what to expect)

 

After the initial Hysterical Bonding period, after you have been sufficiently remorseful and contrite, once your wife feels in control of the situation again - life in the marital bed will go back to the way it always was. AND YOU WILL BE BACK LOOKING FOR YOUR SLUT, or any other slut who will have you, because the SLUTTY things that your SLUT, in her SLUTTINESS, provided for you - will still be missing from your life - and the cycle will begin again.

 

But don't worry - your wife has forgiven you for having an affair with a SLUT for 3 years - she will foregive you anything.

[Snowflower]

I agree that it is not useful to call the OW names. After all, he risked his marriage for her for a long time.

 

However, let's suppose the OP is having a change of heart and trying to come back to his marriage. We should give him the benefit of the doubt and let him work out his feeling in his posts. It is a process to end an affair and recommit to the marriage.

[Snowflower]

Furthermore, and I do hope that your wife is reading this, so she will know what to expect)

 

After the initial Hysterical Bonding period, after you have been sufficiently remorseful and contrite, once your wife feels in control of the situation again - life in the marital bed will go back to the way it always was. AND YOU WILL BE BACK LOOKING FOR YOUR SLUT, or any other slut who will have you, because the SLUTTY things that your SLUT, in her SLUTTINESS, provided for you - will still be missing from your life - and the cycle will begin again.

 

But don't worry - your wife has forgiven you for having an affair with a SLUT for 3 years - she will foregive you anything.

 

Why is this the wife's fault?

 

The OP called the woman that name, not the wife.

[jthorne]

I respect your opinion. In my opinion that is what she is. I learned that she was having sex with as many as 3 different men on the same day. That's a slut where I come from.

Would you still be with her had you not discovered this?

[redcurls]

Why is this the wife's fault?

 

The OP called the woman that name, not the wife.

 

 

ABSOLUTELY NOT the wife's fault. None of it is her fault, sorry if that's the impression you got from my post. I do hope, though, that the wife is reading this and will understand how things will unfold in the future.

[TigerCub]

Or it could be that he's angry and lashing out because he feels betrayed...he "loved her", but she was sleeping with other men and what she felt for him turned out to be something less than "love"...so he's angry and calling a pineapple a pineapple.

 

This is why I was curious about what expectations he'd had and that they'd discussed about the future of their...'relationship'. If he expected it to be more than she did...now he's angry to find out he was just another 'partner' instead of actually having a relationship.

 

Yeah I was curious about that too. I was wondering if they promised each other anything, because I'm sure after 3 years, their "relationship" would have been discussed.

 

Yeah he seems pissed, and he's entitled to his feelings, but I just find calling her names pretty hypocritical considering he did the same thing - even if she was his only OW - the act is the same.

[Rose1977]

I just hope with all the slutiness going on you have been tested for STDs and that your wife has been as well. I am one of the unlucky ones who was exposed to an STD b/c of my cheating BF and had to sit in a clinic waiting to be tested. I was too embarassed to even go to my family doctor. That was one of the most humiliating moments of the entire cheating. If this woman was sleeping with three other men or whatever, you now slept with every woman the other men slept with and so on. The doctors even have a chart to show you how it works when you go in for your AIDS test after the person that loves you cheats on you. Please just have the respect for your wife to get yourself tested and she should get tested as well, because there are some people that don't show symptoms but can still carry and transmit diseases. Not to mention, if this affair lasted for three years, and this woman was as slutty as you say she was, I'm sure there were more than three other men she slept with.

 

I hope you get my point. I think your use of the word was inappropriate, but my point remains the same. I lived it so I know. Get tested. I choose to give you the benefit of the doubt and hope that you are being sincere in what you say and just used a poor choice of words. Best of luck to you and your wife.

[carhill]

The OP's situation underscores the potential fallout that a woman with an out of control libido can have on the potentials around her. I experienced a similar situation, though hard boundaries around sex kept the dynamic non-sexual. By her own admission, she used sex to get things from men, whether material or 'liking her' and had numerous encounters while a MW.

 

Time will show whether the OP's perspective is sincere or merely an effort to 'save' whatever is positive about his M. Since this is a support forum, I choose to support him in his apparent efforts and share advice which reflects the choices and consequences I experienced in a similar dynamic, from a male perspective.

 

OP, it's infuriating that your GF divorced her H and you discovered she was prior and is now f*cking men wantonly, isn't it? It invalidates everything you thought you had. I'll bet, whether discussed or not, there were 'plans'. That's really good information. You can see your GF for who she really is now. So, with that clarity, let's move on to your M. Is your wife disclosed? Is Monday too soon to see a MC with your wife? Talk with her about it, today.

[Snowflower]

ABSOLUTELY NOT the wife's fault. None of it is her fault, sorry if that's the impression you got from my post. I do hope, though, that the wife is reading this and will understand how things will unfold in the future.

 

Thank you for clarifying.

 

RC, why do you believe that the OP will cheat again in the future?

 

My thoughts are that the OP might be trying to make a real change and reconnect with his wife. I agree that if he doesn't introspect and realize what it was that made him cheat for 3 years then it is more probable that a repeat affair will happen. OP, I'm not saying that you aren't introspecting.

[redcurls]

Here is what I think REALLY happened here:

 

OP discovered that his OW was "unfaithful" to him. Kinda the pot calling the kettle black, No? Oh, well. OP in his rage run home to mommy (WIFE, that is) and "confessed his sin" so now he has an ally in his hatred towards THE SLUT, who is now the COMMON enemy of his precious marriage.

 

Never mind the hurt OP has caused his family, never mind the long term implication for his KIDS - he now has his wife's compassion for the hurt that his OW has caused him. Blech.

[carhill]

This is the only potential clue I can find which indicates disclosure to the BS:

 

I realize my wife will never look at me the same and that is what hurts he most.

 

OP, is your wife fully disclosed? This is the 'man-up' place where you look her in the eye and talk about it. BTDT.

[redcurls]

Thank you for clarifying.

 

RC, why do you believe that the OP will cheat again in the future?

.

 

Go visit the BS forum sometime. You will get quite an eye opener. WS surrender their passwords, their phones, subject themselves to countless interrogations, have their every move scrutinized and analyzed. They conduct the "wife directed no-further-contact-with-OW" phone call. They bad-mouth OW who has now gone from a loving "soulmate" to being the seductress, manipulator, crazy bunny-boiler, who took their precious pe**s and shoved it into her own va**na without the WS consent - no actually - OW held a GUN to WS's head - yes, I'm pretty sure that's what happened - and this can go on for months and years.

 

And then life goes back to normal. And all the issues that drove WS to his OW are still there. They were just buried under the crisis-mode-damage-control-let-me-fix-this-marriage frenzy ON BOTH THE WS AND BS's sides.

 

And WS will go back to his OW or find a new one.

[woinlove]

Here is what I think REALLY happened here:

 

OP discovered that his OW was "unfaithful" to him. Kinda the pot calling the kettle black, No? Oh, well. OP in his rage run home to mommy (WIFE, that is) and "confessed his sin" so now he has an ally in his hatred towards THE SLUT, who is now the COMMON enemy of his precious marriage.

 

Never mind the hurt OP has caused his family, never mind the long term implication for his KIDS - he now has his wife's compassion for the hurt that his OW has caused him. Blech.

 

While I agree with your sentiment that cheating and lying are bad and hurt others, at least in this case the MM has stopped his cheating, whether through his own choice or not. Also, I think the dynamics you describe of a marriage after betrayal is simplistic since many marriages probably don't survive infidelity without a lot of effort and commitment.

[Snowflower]

Go visit the BS forum sometime. You will get quite an eye opener. WS surrender their passwords, their phones, subject themselves to countless interrogations, have their every move scrutinized and analyzed. They conduct the "wife directed no-further-contact-with-OW" phone call. They bad-mouth OW who has now gone from a loving "soulmate" to being the seductress, manipulator, crazy bunny-boiler, who took their precious pe**s and shoved it into her own va**na without the WS consent - no actually - OW held a GUN to WS's head - yes, I'm pretty sure that's what happened - and this can go on for months and years.

 

And then life goes back to normal. And all the issues that drove WS to his OW are still there. They were just buried under the crisis-mode-damage-control-let-me-fix-this-marriage frenzy ON BOTH THE WS AND BS's sides.

 

And WS will go back to his OW or find a new one.

 

Oh, I've been on the BS/Infidelity forum. I'm a fBS, you see. And I don't see where this type of scene is described over on that forum with any regularity.

 

I think the type of reconciliation where the OW is bashed and made the common enemy of the marriage is a stereotype.

 

And not every reconciliation has gone down the way you describe above. It certainly didn't in my situation and my H never bad-mouthed the xOW.

[bentnotbroken]

Go visit the BS forum sometime. You will get quite an eye opener. WS surrender their passwords, their phones, subject themselves to countless interrogations, have their every move scrutinized and analyzed. They conduct the "wife directed no-further-contact-with-OW" phone call. They bad-mouth OW who has now gone from a loving "soulmate" to being the seductress, manipulator, crazy bunny-boiler, who took their precious pe**s and shoved it into her own va**na without the WS consent - no actually - OW held a GUN to WS's head - yes, I'm pretty sure that's what happened - and this can go on for months and years.

 

And then life goes back to normal. And all the issues that drove WS to his OW are still there. They were just buried under the crisis-mode-damage-control-let-me-fix-this-marriage frenzy ON BOTH THE WS AND BS's sides.

 

And WS will go back to his OW or find a new one.

 

 

There also couples in that forum who have not only dealt with the marital issues but they go beyond their comfort level to ensure that any new problems are met head on. Life never goes back to normal. There is always a new level of awareness there. A new level of vigilance. Some couples will face infidelity again. Either the WS will repeat or the BS will become wayward...the odds are against them but it can be done with total commitment and everyone being on the same page.

[redcurls]

And not every reconciliation has gone down the way you describe above. It certainly didn't in my situation and my H never bad-mouthed the xOW.

 

Then you are a lucky woman, and I'm happy for you. Your H is a REAL man, not a petulant child, like OP here.

[BB07]

Go visit the BS forum sometime. You will get quite an eye opener. WS surrender their passwords, their phones, subject themselves to countless interrogations, have their every move scrutinized and analyzed. They conduct the "wife directed no-further-contact-with-OW" phone call. They bad-mouth OW who has now gone from a loving "soulmate" to being the seductress, manipulator, crazy bunny-boiler, who took their precious pe**s and shoved it into her own va**na without the WS consent - no actually - OW held a GUN to WS's head - yes, I'm pretty sure that's what happened - and this can go on for months and years.

 

And then life goes back to normal. And all the issues that drove WS to his OW are still there. They were just buried under the crisis-mode-damage-control-let-me-fix-this-marriage frenzy ON BOTH THE WS AND BS's sides.

 

And WS will go back to his OW or find a new one.

 

I don't think what you described is what is the norm here at LS, other forums there is more of that or it appears there is.

I think what is here at LS in the way of fbs's are folks who have climbed mountains and have a better relationship than the previous one.

I've also noticed at some of those other forums, the OW is made out to be the devil in disguise and is often the one that gets the hatchet job instead of the more deserving party.

Just my 2 cents.......

[Snowflower]

I don't think what you described is what is the norm here at LS, other forums there is more of that or it appears there is.

I think what is here at LS in the way of fbs's are folks who have climbed mountains and have a better relationship than the previous one.

I've also noticed at some of those other forums, the OW is made out to be the devil in disguise and is often the one that gets the hatchet job instead of the more deserving party.

Just my 2 cents.......

 

Yes, I know what types of forums you are describing. They are unhealthy, IMO. I don't see how most posters there have or will ever have a healthy reconciliation. Maybe that is what RC was referring to. The betrayed board on LS is different because of the variety of viewpoints.

 

As for the OP, I'm trying to take what he is writing at face value. He wants to save his marriage after realizing that he majorly screwed up for at least 3 years. I don't agree that calling the OW names is the right thing to to do, but it is a process for him and that might be where he is right now.

 

OP, keep posting!

[redcurls]

I don't think what you described is what is the norm here at LS, other forums there is more of that or it appears there is.

I think what is here at LS in the way of fbs's are folks who have climbed mountains and have a better relationship than the previous one.

I've also noticed at some of those other forums, the OW is made out to be the devil in disguise and is often the one that gets the hatchet job instead of the more deserving party.

Just my 2 cents.......

 

I wasn't referring to LS. I haven't seen the BS section on LS yet. I was referring to other infidelity forums.

[BB07]

Yes, I know what types of forums you are describing. They are unhealthy, IMO. I don't see how most posters there have or will ever have a healthy reconciliation. Maybe that is what RC was referring to. The betrayed board on LS is different because of the variety of viewpoints.

 

As for the OP, I'm trying to take what he is writing at face value. He wants to save his marriage after realizing that he majorly screwed up for at least 3 years. I don't agree that calling the OW names is the right thing to to do, but it is a process for him and that might be where he is right now.

 

OP, keep posting!

 

 

You said that much more eloquently than I did (about LS and other forums)......thanks! :)

 

I think what ruffles feathers or what did mine anyway is that he called her a slut and yes I'm trying to figure out why that it does ruffle my feathers, if that makes sense. Maybe some of us see it as blameshifting? You know.......that evil OW she stole me away from my wife and family bull****e. I was just fine until she came along. Yes sarcasm is intended.

 

I just had a thought as to why it personally bothers me, I think it hits a hot spot I still have left over. Xmm told his bs that I was the only woman who flirted with him and that I came on to him.......which is f'ing ridiculous as I've never been a practiced flirt. He blameshifted it on to me.......so I think that is what bothers me about the OP's post.

[Snowflower]

You said that much more eloquently than I did (about LS and other forums)......thanks! :)

 

I think what ruffles feathers or what did mine anyway is that he called her a slut and yes I'm trying to figure out why that it does ruffle my feathers, if that makes sense. Maybe some of us see it as blameshifting? You know.......that evil OW she stole me away from my wife and family bull****e. I was just fine until she came along. Yes sarcasm is intended.

 

I just had a thought as to why it personally bothers me, I think it hits a hot spot I still have left over. Xmm told his bs that I was the only woman who flirted with him and that I came on to him.......which is f'ing ridiculous as I've never been a practiced flirt. He blameshifted it on to me.......so I think that is what bothers me about the OP's post.

 

Ya' know, as soon as I read the OP, I knew the use of that term was going to ruffle some feathers. I can understand why it bothers some posters here. The last thing an AP in an unrequited love relationship wants to hear is someone similar to their MP saying such hateful things.

 

I think of it as similar to when someone refers to the BW as a fat, stupid b*tch. It doesn't happen too often fortunately but it is impossible for me to not get "riled" about such a comment, even if it is only implied and not directly stated. Hey, I was a BW, but I'm not fat or stupid (and a b*tch only sometimes ) and I think it is such a stereotype.

 

But like you BB, I try to look at what it is about the post that bothers me (beyond the obvious).

 

I think we all just want to be recognized for being individuals and not in the stereotypes a sl*tty AP or a stupid BW.

 

Anyway, OP, I hope you can understand why some of your comments set a few people off here.

[redcurls]

The last thing an AP in an unrequited love relationship wants to hear is someone similar to their MP saying such hateful things. QUOTE]

 

Um. Similar? - NOT SO MUCH. Don't get me wrong - my MP is very much on my sh*t list these days, but he will NEVER bad-mouth me in any way (he has his own little ways of making me feel like crap - but that's beside the point)

 

My MP will never call me names. If I'm a slut - what would that make of him? What would it make of his wife and his family? what would it say about his OWM judment and common sense?

 

Three years. OP's pe**s just fell into the slut's va**ga. Over and over and over. For THREE YEARS.

[Mimolicious]

Oh fack it...

 

OP- Check this out. You + you OW= "Sl8ts". Plain and simple.

Your W: She can be fat, skinny, white, black, short or tall, boring, bitchy, whateverthehell she wants to be. G*d bless her soul for putting up with your antics and staying with you after you playing her for 3 yrs. Poor lady, if she only knew...

 

Now, tell us why you're really mad.

 

Oh, let me help you out a bit.You are mad because now you know that you are "Oh not so special" and all that jazz that your OW fed you was playing bullshyte to meet her needs. Hey! You must be a hella of a lover that for 3yrs you held down the fort in affairyland. I think you are more mad at the fact that you were not the only one "rocking her world". I wonder, if this didn't happen, exactly when were you going to tell your wife that you were boinking MOW?!

 

Cut it out... You are mad at the fact you got played. Karma- is not a bitch, she is just a reminder of how bitchy we have been in the past.

 

So what do we call you? BMM?

Edited December 10, 2010 by Mimolicious

[seren]

Can I be Devil's Advocate? I would add before asking, that I hate the word slut used for anyone, I also hate the word bitter, vindictive or any other derogatory term.

 

So, if this was an OW who found out the MM had 3 other OW on the go, would we answer the same, would we understand the lashing out?

 

I just think that if it is the labelling that is peeing everyone off, or more to the point the specific wording, then I go along with that. But, should we understand that he is felt betrayed, angry because he loved the OW?

 

Not even sure I have an opinion other than the name calling. I for sure wouldn't have my XWS bad mouthing the OW, but know for a fact she sure as hell badmouthed me. But each to their own I suppose.