Meaningless Sex Good Idea After Break Up?

[kaygato]

Hi, I'm currently having a really hard time coping with a break up. It's mostly my fault it happened, but my ex boyfriend (of over a year) was going to give us one more try when some issues got in the way and messed things up. We go to colleges an hour apart, and his parents wanted his car back and when he went to bring the car back learned his parents were separating. He told me that since we didn't have reliable transportation to see each other and his parent's marriage was failing, that he couldn't be with me now. Now this all went down nearly a month and a half ago. I haven't dealt with the situation very well- I've been trying to convince him to get back with me and just distancing him more. I did do some research and discovered there is a bus route that goes to and from our schools every day, but even that didn't convince him.

 

I know if he's going to come back it would be in my best interest that he really wanted to. I did some things that hurt him in the 1-2 months leading up to the break up (nothing awful like cheating...but I wasn't treating him as well as I should have and I feel awful and feel like such an idiot about it). BUT he was going to come visit me and try to work things out and get back together....until the parent/car issue came up. Now I'm in an even bigger hole for begging him to get back together. He says he still loves me, and might want to be together again in the future.

 

I am trying to get out more and make more friends (admittedly I depended on him for all my friendship/emotional needs when I started college this fall, and that was not a good idea at all)....but I feel like I'm just gonna push him farther away if I don't get something new to distract me. Would getting a friends-with-benefits be an awful idea? Would it ruin my chances of getting back with him? He said he plans to hook up with other girls...he said he doesn't know about sex, but he's a guy. I just can't give up on him emotionally, but I feel like I need something to fill that void so I'm not so desperate and I cam move on with my life. I feel like that sounds psychologically unhealthy, but I'm afraid I'll just continue to periodically bother my ex if I don't distract myself now. I'm just worried if he wants me back in the future he'll think bad of me for having a friends with benfits while we were apart. But he doesn't seem like he's coming back in the near future...he might never come back...and if he does I don't want to be the "good girl" waiting around for her man to come back after he's had his fun. My logic is: he's not suffering over me...so I shouldn't over him.

 

But is this a bad idea? Do you have any experience with this kind of situation?

[kaygato]

Waiting is never a good idea and if he said he plans to hook up with girls then it's clear that you might be waiting for nothing. He would have no right to be upset about you moving on with your life. You need to treat this like a break up set in stone, and treat yourself like a single gal now. Get a FWB, get a new boyfriend, whatever you want to do; but revolving what you do around what he "might" want in the future is no way to live. Emotionally it will be hard to adjust for a while but the healthiest thing is to take steps towards healing, instead of putting your life and emotions on hold for something that "might" happen...

 

I do think you're right that it's important to move on and live your life for yourself. Part of me I think feels guilty because the break-up was more my fault than his. And that's not just in my head...I'm not putting him on a pedestal or anything he really was justified in breaking up with me.

 

So with fwbs...how confusing is it trying to not hurt anyone's feelings or is that kind of inevitable? I'm guessing it might be a little easier if all you shared was sex and you weren't really "friends"? I think if one of us started to get feelings I'd want to end the arrangement.

 

I'm just not ready to actually start dating someone again...it seems exhausting after being in a serious relationship for over a year. Not that I have anyone in mind to be my fwb, but I'll be looking. I honestly don't think I'm going to want to try dating again for another 9-12 months. I just want to focus on "me" right now, and my schoolwork. And if my ex did want to get back together...I can't say I wouldn't break up w/ the new guy I was dating for him. I mean...I hope I'll eventually get over him but I do want to avoid jumping into anything before my feelings have settled.

[Yvelysse]

Simply put

 

NO

 

it messes up peoples minds.

 

srsly

[hART]

If you have the capacity to separate love from sex, maybe. However, every time I sleep with a guy, even if it was "casual sex", I end up falling in love. To them it was casual sex, but to me it was the love and attention I was longing for. The fact that the feelings weren't equal is what hurts the most. Sex has this deep connecting factor to it, so it isn't easy to just turn off the intimacy factor. Take some time to heal, stop contacting him, and see your friends more. If you have to move on, go find a compatible boyfriend.