daddy issues

[misswilson]

ok so heres my story. i'm 21, i'm a student currently on placement so i'm back at home living with my dad and working locally. my mum died when i was 15 and since then i have taken onboard all household chores such as cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. my personal life is fine, i'm top of my class, my placement as a teaching assistant in a special needs school is going well, i do voluntary work and have a great boyfriend and a few close friends i can depend on. the problem is that in spite of this i'm severely depressed. it sounds crazy but the source of all my prblems is my dad. although i admit i'm still dealing with the death of my mum and the loss of a parental figure in my life. the truth is that my dad has never really been fatherly. he was absent for much of my childhood due to running his own business and he also has a hectic social life so hes never really been around. when my mum died, instead of him finally taking charge and stepping up for the sake of his daughter he began to drink a lot and spend increasingly less time at home. it may sound harsh to blame him for the way i am feeling but you have to understand how things really are. he takes no responsibility for anything, i've begun to realise that he never really did and that it was always my mum who managed things but without her it has gradually fallen apart. his business is failing, he has money and debt problems and he drinks instead of dealing with things. i worry about him all the time, i worry about his financial situation and his wrecklessness whether it be drink driving or spending entire days in a bar. i'm just waiting for him to cause an accident or hurt himself by falling or something when hes drunk. part of me feels so much pity for him, and i defend him and his actions to everyone but for the last while an anger has been building within me. i'm starting to resent him and it seems there is nothing i can do. he is totally oblivious to anyone elses thoughts or feelings. he can't see how upset i really am and when i try to talk to him he just makes it about his own problems. i feel like i've wasted the best of my teenage years catering to his needs. i keep our home spotless and his dinner is always sitting ready when he gets home. there are too many incidents that have brought about this anger to mention. some recent events include finding him unconscious on the bathroom floor after drinking himself into a stupor, lending him over £10,000 to bail himself out of trouble (money which i know i'll never see again) and lying awake at night wondering where he is and worrying he may even be dead. when i was younger i was always daddys little girl, but even though i still love him unconditionally i can't respect him or look up to him. all he does is take with no regard for others and i feel that i have nothing left to give. talking to him does not work he says i'm nagging him and that he is stressed out and doesn't need any more problems. but the thing is i am young, i work hard i study hard and i'm determined to do well for myself however i feel dutybound to look after him, i chose a university close to home so i could be there for him as well as a placement i didn't initially want but allowed me to be at home. i feel like i'm serving a prison sentence trapped here punished for his mistakes. in my head i tell myself that its only for 2 more years, after that i will be finished my degree and be free to continue studying elsewhere, away from him. the problem is i'm not sure i'll last that long. i have a history of suicide attempts and i can't lift myself out of this depression. if i'm not sad i'm numb. i listen to him complain about the mess he has got himself into and i try to help in any way i can but he doesn't notice me, he just self-destructs in his typical selfish way and i'm left to pick up the pieces. to be honest i'm not sure why i'm writing this, i doubt anyone can help, i think it just helps to vent a little, its cathartic almost. i would really appreciate any suggestions or support you could provide. i don't want to just survive anymore, i want to feel ok again. thank-you.

[Gold Pile]

From the title, I was hoping you wanted to date older men;)

 

It's difficult for people to understand that their relatives are NOT special. Every creep, thug, crook, drunk, A**hole that you've ever known, was somebody's relative.

 

Your father is a life long loser. Your Mother helped conceal this for years. That was her cross to bear, not yours. He hasn't been much a Father to you.

You don't owe him anything more.

 

You only get one shot at this life, you can't afford to waste years of your life and loads of your money on him. He is hardcore, not even his Daughter losing her Mother was enough for him to think past himself. He will NEVER change.

If he see's that you're getting wise to him, he may say the things you want to hear, but it is a trick.

 

Run, don't walk from him.

 

I have stuck by certain relatives, and ended up happier when I rid myself of them. I've watched the same thing play out for scores of others.

[FanFan]

Were you parents getting alone fine back then?

 

Has your dad been dating?

 

Are you the only child?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I would suggest that the environment you're in is indeed the culprit to so much. Your father is not healthy for you, AND he is sort of causing you to adopt the grunt work of being somebody's spouse while NOT getting any of the joys that come with so doing.

 

Best I can advise is to speed-up your evolution into moving out and then resolve to never look back. IF your father wants to be part of your life from then on he'll need to shape-up.

 

He isn't being fair to you, and it sounds like neither one of you are aware of it.

 

Do you have local chapters of "Alcoholics Anonymous" or the like, which you would dare to visit?

 

In a perfect world you would have "adult children of Alcoholics" to where you could go and gain some appreciation for how it is for others in your shoes.

 

I promise you that IF such an organization is available where you live, that IT would really be a solid source of immediate hope and understanding.

 

At any rate, look it up on USA websites and then learn whether you can find something similar where you are.

[misswilson]

thanks very much for the replies, sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. in answer to the three questions asked by fanfan, my parents were happily maried as far as i am aware, my mother had a blindspot when it came to him, she adored him and he did love her, i don't think he appreciated just how much she did for him but it is clear to me that he still loves her to this day. as for him dating, there was a lovely younger woman in his life for a while about a year ago, i was really hoping they would get into a proper relationship but this never materialised since he is still grieving and she was going through a messy divorce with violent ex. they are still friends though. no i am not an only child, i have two older sisters both married with children and one older brother. i am much younger than them so i was the only one still at home when my mother died, hence all responsibilities being put onto me rather than them, they try to help but to be honest i do hide a lot from them since they don't have the same loyalty towards my dad and i fear that if they knew the truth my family would fall apart. also they have their own problems they don't need me adding to them. as for the group suggestion i have considered it but part of me refuses to admit he is an alcoholic since he can still manage a hectic work and social life, plus i live in a small town, people would know who my dad is and i'd fear he would find out. i have thought about moving out for years, understandably i think, but sad as it is i would feel bad leaving him with no real excuse other than wanting to get away. when i finish uni i can use the excuse of a job or further education but if i left now there can only be one reason, and i couldn't do that to him. when it comes to my dad i am a paradox, i hate almost everything he does and all the things he makes me feel, a resentment is building and i can't help that but when i try to tell him or confront him or scream just how angry i am the love and sympathy i feel for him stops me. he is a lost cause he will never change, i'm not niave i know this, but if i leave he will sink not swim and i just don't think i could live with the guilt. plus my mother would turn in her grave if anything ever happened to him, i'd hate to think that in the highly unlikely chance that she is watching over us she would be disappointed in me or upset in any way. i am hurting but i guess i have made my own bed and i'll just have to lie in it.

[Jonno_S]

Wow, you sound like an angel. Maybe you are internalizing all of his problems and making them your own when you shouldn't.

 

But don't run from him, he's your father. You need to figure out how you can exist and thrive amid his misery.

[misswilson]

haha trust me i'm no angel, if you read my other posts you'd realise that. i've made my fair share of mistakes along the way. but when it comes to my dad its different, i forgive things i would never accept from other people, he can ignore me and anger me and i'll always come back willing to please, like he even notices the extent of housework or organisation i do just to make his life easier. he is bad for me i know that, i lay awake all night last night worried that he might fall on the stairs or choke on his own vomit cause he was drunk as usual. nobody in my life causes me as much anxiety or anger as he does but he is still my dad, and the fact that i lost my mum reinforces the feeling that i can't desert him, i can't lose him too no matter what price i pay for it. i know i have to stay here and continue on the way things are until i finish my degree and feel justified in my leaving him, my only worry is that i'll hit rock bottom emotionally and mentally and maybe attempt suicide again or even reach my final straw with him and lose the relationship we do have.

[Jonno_S]

Well, the fact that you care and put up with so much says a lot. Love your dad for who he is. He is not being fair to you, that's for sure.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I don't think youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu made any of that bed!!!

 

 

and as for the small town, surely you can do some online research or something and find an "Alcoholics Anonymous" meeting in the next town over, or somewhere... and make a major effort to go to ONE meeting, just to see how it is.

 

Your father is clearly an alcoholic, and one need not smash through the guardrail and into oncoming freeway traffic blowing .231 on the breathalyzer to qualify as such.

 

Somehow you need to understand that there are factors that are unique to alcoholics which you cannot really figure out within your own mind... and you also need to witness for yourself how they work from the inside.

 

Right now, even when you get things going very well, you are presently striving to run head long into a future situation in which you MARRY an alcoholic or a drug-user and then play "caretaker" to him for the rest of your life (or his).

 

From the outside, the silly "12 step" program doesn't make much sense, and it seems kinda goofy, but you just have to go and listen to people who are moving through it, and really improving their lives.

 

IF you won't look into this as a way to escape your past and present, do so to escape your otherwise-DESTINY.

[misswilson]

haha if you read my other posts you would see just how right you are about the ending up with a drug user thing sinceonlineguy. but back to my dad, i have done my research into family of alcoholics groups and it turns out my boss actually went to one and has given me the number. i still need to work up the courage to call but at least its progress. things are steadily getting more out of control at home and i think i need some support from people in the same situation. i know i'm enabling him by not providing any consequences all i do is hide the truth and clean up his mess. if i learn a few tips to change my behaviour who knows maybe his will too. think it could work?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

haha if you read my other posts you would see just how right you are about the ending up with a drug user thing sinceonlineguy. but back to my dad, i have done my research into family of alcoholics groups and it turns out my boss actually went to one and has given me the number. i still need to work up the courage to call but at least its progress. things are steadily getting more out of control at home and i think i need some support from people in the same situation. i know i'm enabling him by not providing any consequences all i do is hide the truth and clean up his mess. if i learn a few tips to change my behaviour who knows maybe his will too. think it could work?

 

 

I was gonna quote the russian guy, just to see if it would work, but:

 

 

Anyway, you are sooooooooooooooooooo NORMAL in being thrown to the social tradewinds and being swept away toward wherever they're going to take you!

 

And don't forget, YOU are NOT the alcoholic here... so this is NOT A REFLECTION ON YOU if you call, and just ask where the meetings are...

 

You go there, and IF you're really bold... DARE yourself to stand up and tell exactly where you are, in life, to a room filled with perfect strangers. These will be people who mostly ARE the alcoholics, each of whom have adversely impacted their own friends and family in the same way your father is impacting you.

 

There is CERTAIN to be a couple or multiple couples there, one of whom is the alcoholic, and the other of whom is playing the caretaker role. Those are the sorts of people who will step forward to speak to you after the session, and they ****knooooooooooooooooooow**** where you are far, far moreso than I ever could.

 

I love the sound of your open mind.

 

AND IF YOU can achieve ONE thing from a sincere effort at A.A.... it should be to DODGE a long future at the mercy of an alcoholic your own age !!!

[misswilson]

thankyou, you've really helped me see this as a positive step towards my own recovery rather than an admission of failure that i can't save him. i know his problem is not my problem but so much emotion is involved when it comes to him that its hard to separate myself. i need to let go and let him learn the hard way without feeling so responsible. i will call tomorrow and at least attend one of the meetings, if it doesn't help no harm done but if it does it could be just what i need. i'll let you know how it goes. thankyou again.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

It is rather invigorating to sense the determination newly surfaced in you.

 

The potential is there, and of course it may arrive in the form of quite the assortment of "anonymous" and random human beings. (but y'know, they know something that you and I don't {although some may not be the most eloquent conveyers of what you need to understand} )