Self Esteem and Wanting to Be Enough

[quietconfussion]

Hi, I've been in a long term relationship for almost 18 month now. I am 30 and he is 34, we have both been married and divorced once. We recently bought a house and moved in together, and we are also engaged. In some ways everything is wonderful and amazing, in others I feel like it's falling apart.

 

A few months back we were talking about our needs and goals in the context of getting ready for marriage. I laid out my basic needs like trust, fidelty, fun, being best friends. He agreed with all of those things but then told me he had to tell me some hard truths. Those thruths were that he has had problems in past sexual relationships for two reasons, one is that he gets bored sexually and starts thinking about other people and the other is that sometimes over time, and especially if his partner puts on weight, that he begins to become less attracted to them. That would have been just something to keep in mind but he then told me the parts of my body he sometimes finds unattractive and that he thinks maybe he needs a threesome one day so he doesn't get too bored.

 

Now the thing is the things about my body that he noticed as being imperfect are things I also dislike but that I can't really change without surgery, things like stretchmarks on the back of my legs and the loose skin on my stomach from having my last child 8 years ago. I'm not overweight (I'm a size 6) at all but it just never, even with diet and exercise, tightened all the way back up. But since his revelations about his concerns, even though he swears I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever met and that he finds me very sexy, I hate my body. I simply hate it, because I, like almost everyone, have always had some issues with it but the way he treated me made me feel like he didn't see those flaws. Now I know he does and it makes me hate my body like I never have before. Plus there is the fact that he now sometimes mentions or makes jokes about a threesome in a light hearted way.

 

Now I hate my body and I feel like I'm not enough. Now the thing is that I'm not necissarily against a threesome, I'm willing to consider it and talk it through. But him bringing it up in such a serious way during a serious talk makes me feel like I am not enough on my own. Like adding a partner to the mix isn't for fun it's because I'm not good enough on my own.

 

I don't really know what to do because this effecting me mentally a lot and causing me to feel depressed and causing my self esteen to suffer even though he regularly tells me how pretty I am. I just feel so self concious and so unattractive that I don't know what to do. I don't want him to see me naked anymore and my through the roof sex drive is starting to nose dive because I feel so self concious. I've communicated this to him a bit and he's been very sweet. He's sorry he brought it up in the way that he did and assured me he was just talking about concerns not about things that are happening now but it doesn't matter because I still feel terrible about myself.

 

What do I do, everything was so wonderful before, sexually I had never felt so safe and so free. I felt really accepted and adored and even though he is just as sweet now I don't feel that way anymore, I feel shame and I hate it. I can look in the mirror and see that I'm pretty but I just can't seem to feel it. Then I get depressed because I feel bad about myself and that causes him to feel stressed out and we just don't have as much fun because I'm trying not to cry because I know later he's going to want me to take off my clothes and I don't want to anymore.

 

I feel so sad, I feel so stupid for letting something this simple effect my self image so much, and I feel angry because we are losing the bond we have shared that has been amazing and it's all because I can't just get over it and forget about it.

[Stung]

He was totally insensitive and delivered a pretty strong blow right to your insecurity gland. Honestly, he's old enough to know better, which almost makes me wonder if he's got some kind of Aspberger's thing going on or if he's just manipulative and making you more malleable through your insecurity.

 

Is he a perfect Adonis for the 21st century, or is it possible that he has/will get hairy patches on his shoulders, a bit of a beer gut, a receding hairline, some kind of skin reddening like rosacea? How would he feel if you sat him down and told him very seriously that you found those normal things unappealing and unattractive, that you had trouble accepting and enjoying him as a human being with minor imperfections? Would he welcome being informed that you were getting bored of him sexually so you wanted to get it on with a few other guys, possibly his friends...hey, maybe in front of him, while he watched or joined in?

 

Fidelity is listed among your needs from a marriage. Threesomes are a need for him. This seems like a pretty fundamental incompatibility, to me, although you say you are actually open to the possibility. I can't help but wonder if you are REALLY open to it, or just willing to consider it because you are grasping at straws to hang on to this relationship? Threesomes rarely work in a relationship context unless all parties are ENTHUSIASTIC, not merely submitting for another's pleasure. IMO you should think long and hard before moving forward with this marriage. I do commend him for being honest about his wants/needs, but he was unnecessarily insensitive and I also deduct points from him for waiting until after you had invested in property together to come clean with this stuff. Really though that falls on both of you: why did you wait until after you had gotten engaged and bought a house to talk about fundamentals?

 

Note to men who want to try threesomes in their relationships: coach it as a matter of wanting to try something exciting and new along with your partner, not as a denigration of your partner's attractiveness and allure to you.

Edited December 11, 2010 by Stung

[quietconfussion]

Thanks Stung,

 

I have to tell you that we actually did talk about these things, over a hear ago. He at the time was the one who brought it up and told me that he wanted me to know he was open to all things with me with a few exceptions and one of those was involving other people in our sex life. I was so refreshed by it at the time and so relieved because it made me feel as an individual so special and sexy since so many men bring it up.

 

I questioned him about this when he brought it up and he told me at that time he really felt that way. But that as time has gone by it's become something he thinks about and might want. At first he said did need but that language has softened since the first conversation to being an interest rather than a need, though that's hard to sift through and decide which it really is for him.

 

I am actually open to it but it would have to be brought about as you suggested as something fun together, never as a condition or because I myself am not enough. I agree that it's a lot to think about and I have been spending a lot of time thinking about it, and some time talking about it. The problem is that he has back peddled some now and wants to talk about it even as a fantasy that is fun but I have a real distaste for it at the moment because of how it was brought up. It's not a moral issue or anything it's just that it's now linked to his criticisms about my body, whether or not he meant it to be or if they are related in his mind.

 

I have to tell you that he has expressed on multiple times regret for saying what he said and especially the way he said he. He swears that he was talking more about his fears and those are then I will 1: let myself go and 2:that sex will become boring. His fears are that the things about my body that aren't a big deal will become big deals if I put on weight. I don't know, I guess I should be comforted by his clarifications but I'm not. I guess it doesn't help now because those triggers have already been tripped.

 

I agree that we have a lot to think about and talk about as we move forward and consider marriage. I defiantly agree though that men should always think about the context of what they are saying, never express those kinds of ideas together. Also, if you build up the way a woman feels about her body you will get rewarded by her confidence and ability to feel sexy. If you tear her down, even a little bit, she will shut down and you will lose out on some of what she has to offer.

 

Now I just need to work through my feelings of insecurity for my own sake and possibly for our sake as I figure out what to do next.

[Linda9999]

Sounds to me like he's looking for an excuse to cheat on you. Like, if you don't agree to a threesome he'll blame you for having stretch marks and a bit of a belly, so he had to go elsewhere.

 

Seriously, you don't need that. So what if you put on weight?? That is SO shallow. If my husband EVER told me he cheated, or wanted a threesome, or didn't find me attractive because I have put on weight, the door would be hitting his (rather large) ass SO hard as I kicked him out.

[Tethys]

Yes I agree the comments about your body were really stupid. If only he knew how much women stress over their body--even the most gorgeous hollywood types worry about their bodies. I think guys are just clueless about this fact and I would say about 3/4ths of the guys I know (I'm 39 and most of friends around this age or in mid-30s) would probably say the same idiotic thing if they weren't thinking. Many of them, being asked to completely open up, probably wouldn't know to filter this.

 

But I still sympathize with you quietconfussion--it sounds like a hard thing to hear and to get out of your mind, but I would try to. A man married to the most amazing woman probably has a few things that he doesn't find attractive on his wife, so it's a fact of life and doesn't take anything away from you. You're more than a few stretch marks. And I would believe him if he says you're the most beautiful woman he's ever met--I would never say that unless I meant it. He sounds like a lucky guy.

Edited December 19, 2010 by Tethys

[Eddie Edirol]

The bottom line here is that he gets bored having sex with the same person, and you want fidelity, this isnt going to work in the long run. Add to the mix that you will be killing sex because you have body image issues that you cant get over, you will torpedo this relationship. Theres no way to save it if you are self concious and too sensitive about what your body looks like. If you arent going to fix the problems, then you attitude should be "Im not changing the way my body looks, if it bothers you, then youre shiit outta luck". The only thing you have to decide now is how to break it off so you can find someone who doesnt have a problem with the way you look as you are. BTW, if he told you in the beginning that he has a problem with fidelity and you gaining weight, would you have continued seeing him?

[goingstrong]

. He agreed with all of those things but then told me he had to tell me some hard truths. Those thruths were that he has had problems in past sexual relationships for two reasons, one is that he gets bored sexually and starts thinking about other people and the other is that sometimes over time, and especially if his partner puts on weight, that he begins to become less attracted to them. That would have been just something to keep in mind but he then told me the parts of my body he sometimes finds unattractive and that he thinks maybe he needs a threesome one day so he doesn't get too bored.

 

 

QC, from a happily married man's point of view, this whole paragraph is troubling. It sounds like me back in my early 20's when the talk was getting serious about marriage with a girl I had been living with. The bottom line is he is not ready to commit to you, and you alone yet. He is trying a win win scenario...if you reject his terms, then he won't commit and blame it on you, and if you agree to threesomes and such, then he will have his cake and eat it too. Tell him to accept him as you are, with no one else, or be prepared to share him and get pimped out yourself later in your marriage.

[Undine]

I'd think twice about marrying this guy. Guess what, your natural body, the lovely temple, is not likely to get tauter and smoother and leaner over the next fifty years...marriage is about growing old together, not feeling like your husband is watching you age and criticizing you in his heart. My husband is not the world's most sensitive man by a long shot, but he loves my body as is, flaws and all...and I definitely have flaws! He kisses the stretch marks our son gave me, and gets annoyed when I dye away the white streaks in my hair. If I was married to a guy who said things like your guy did, I'd be wondering if I would need some Botox, a boob lift when I was 40 to keep him happy, my whole face redone when I was fifty to try to keep him from wandering. Where does it end? You with those weird waterwing ducklips and a drumtight frozen forehead, and him with a twenty five year old nanny for a girlfriend? Maybe I'm overly harsh, maybe he just stuck his foot in his mouth...but I would wonder about this.