I still love him, it's been 6 months :(

[AshleyMB]

I saw my ex boyfriend again the other night for the first time since early September... and I was surprised when I realized how immediately I felt exactly the same way as I did this summer when we were dating and then broke up. (I thought this was supposed to get easier and fade with time and distance?) I moved 2 hours away about 3 months ago, and havn't seen him or had any contact with him since. I've been actively trying to move on, and have been dating and interested in other guys since him, some of which I have actually liked quite a bit (although nothing too too serious). I would still think about him though every now and then, although the physical distance made things a little easier. We were on good terms last time I checked. Last time I was in town in Sept he saw me walking and pulled over and offered me a drive, and we were really friendly and fun and positive with eachother,, while we caught up a little bit since we broke up. He would usually actively acknowledge my presence and be friendly and wave when I would see him out or around towards the end of the summer, and I told him that I was doing great, was at the point where I was fully over and accepted the break-up, and wanted to be good friends with him again at some point.

 

The reason we broke up,,, which I see a little more clearly now, was just that basically it moved too fast and was too much too soon. He really really liked me for about a year before we started dating, although I was quite indifferent and wasn't really interested in him. We were friends throughout that period though. Finally, I gave it a chance and surprised myself by really ending up falling for him. Anyone who knows him will tell you that he definitely genuinely really loved me, and was into me sooo much. (We have a lot of mutual best friends in common as well).

However, a lot of things had to do with timing. We started dating at the end of 4th yr university with not much school left, and we thought we would probably never see eachother again after May. Therefore, we were kind of rushed and under pressure in a way, and packed pretty much all we could into that short amount of time. We saw eachother everyday, and within a matter of weeks we went from 0-60, from casual dating to acting like we had been together for like a year. It was definitely relationship overkill, and it didn't really allow for it to grow and breathe in order to be healthy. It's like we skipped a whole bunch of steps, due to time constraints and because we really liked eachother.

I remember the last night we were together, before I had to leave... he looked down at me, just stared into my eyes, stroked my hair, and didn't say a word for about a good probably 10 minutes. (He might have even cried a little). I left for about 3 weeks to a month-ish (I went back home for a bit then on vacation down south), and afterwards cirumstances had it that we would both be spending the summer in the same town. However, things were so different when I got back. It was like this awkward, 'what now' feeling since we never really talked about anything. He always refered to me as his girlfriend and stuff before, but we never really talked about our relationship or anything. I didn't know what to do so I acted like things were the same and hung on tighter, I didn't fully realize it at the time but he was feeling smothered and overwhelmed and pulled away. I initally was very reactive, hurt, and upset about the breakup, and I probably could have dealt with it better at the time if I had known then what I know now.

Him and one of my best friends here got to randomly talking one night while drinking, and their conversations seem to always revert to relationships and such. He told her that he was looking for a serious girlfriend for a long-term orientation with all these certain qualities,, such as being really personable and outgoing,, etc... and my friend was kinda like, "You're basically describing Ashley (me)." He said that 'it could have been her, but it was too much too soon, if things havn't moved so fast....'etc

 

So basically the only reason seems to be with the pacing and timing of our relationship. I don't think I was able or really ready to fully accept and understand that at the time though. All I knew was that I missed him and wanted him back. I was also very unexperienced with relationship-y sort of stuff at the time (he was actually my real firstt).

Since I've been back in town visiting, I saw him that one time but he wasn't super warm this time or anything. He kept glancing over but would never let me see him do it. Although he was also pretty busy playing and stuff (he works as a musician). I sent him a short message on fb, just saying basically, 'hey, i'm in town, since we're friends did you want no catch-up'-- we havn't talked in months and i was just curious to how your life was going-- and I sort of apologized for all the dramatics and stuff from the past, it all seemed pretty stupid now looking back. I kept it very light and casual,,, I sent it yesterday however he hasn't been responsive yet. One of my friends suggested it could be that he found out that I was dating another guy for a while recently (who is also a very talented musician).

I'm pretty sure that he's not seeing anyone else. I know he had a little sorta fling with one of his female friends, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't very physical (she's very religious), and he said upfront and made it clear to her that 'this isn't a relationship'.

I don't really know what I'm asking, but I just don't really know what to do about this feeling anymore. I've never really felt this way about anyone before, and sometimes I kind of wish it would just go away. I think I genuinely loved him though, although we never got to the point where I was ever able to say that to him. I'm surprised at how much I still miss him.

Edited December 10, 2010 by AshleyMB

[seaworld]

I am going through a breakup myself, and my fiance broke up with me roughly 7 wks ago, and cut all contact with me, to me seemingly out of the blue. I can only hope that she would remember what we had someday and maybe think like you, to even show a little emotion would be nice.

 

I don't really have much to say about your situation, but still being in love with your ex 6 months after..... gives some of us hope.

[restart]

Just some thoughts for you...

What you're feeling is normal on breakups and all, remind yourself of that. Its also why I advocate on some responses I've made, that maintaining contact (MC) is better than NC. I know it requires both parties to be willing, but see what you went thru...no contact for 6mths...then its like NC never happened!...certainly didnt grow anything for you did it? but you did some rethinking about items and thats always good. I mean think about this (loveshack) forum...its about contact...communicating...even if one sentence somewhere in a response picks you up...that would be like maintaining contact with someone and hey, they again complimented like they did before when you were together.

So now the constant feeling you're having. Well, your feeling is deep, and you cant get over him even with other dates, heys thats normal, so dont be too hard on yourself there. But it may be slightly blinding you, and your body language may also be harming you, when (pursuing) or with others.

Did you say you have some sort of email/text contact with him? Then contact him, or phone, or snail mail? And hold back too much emotion, but be really really clear...dont smudge things up with other thoughts that might make him just not respond...think of things he would respond to...ie say what you liked so much about him, seeing where I'm going? Dont be funny unless you really think he's gonna laugh and really take it the same way, be careful. I know you'd like to put him down here and there, but if you dont have to, don't. I remember letters etc, where good points were made but also some stabbing remarks that to this day I recall, and at the time were a turnoff.

Hope it helps some

[carma203]

same here. i love my ex. i didn't do anything wrong.

 

he just said he never loved me.

[AshleyMB]

Thanks you guys so much for your replies, they're appreciated!

Seaworld I'm really sorry for what you're going through as well, one thing I really like about this forum is that it allows people to so easily share their experiences, knowledge, and pain to strangers--- yet I find this open environment can supply a lot of support and some comfort, knowing that others are going through similiar experiences and hurt. I hope that things will work out for you as well! I usually try and believe that if something's really meant to be, then it will find a way of working itself out. It can be really hard, but I find when I'm most happiest and at peace is when I just allow myself to trust life and go with the flow. I find that things tend to go wrong when I try to control or plan everything (which seems to be a need of mine), is when it just tends to go horribly wrong. To be honest, I think that's a significant part of my past break-up. It can be hard to do when emotions and fear are involved though. I'm also trying to trust that if things don't work out the way that I necessarily want them to, then Life has a different and better plan for me that I might not be aware of just yet. When you have that sort of attitude, you tend to invoke what you anticipate, or you at least get the most you possibly can out of the possible optimal situation.

 

... I just wish that there was a way that you could control your emotions though, sometimes I just wish that I had a heart of stone

[AshleyMB]

...and so update... yes I did contact my fella through fb messaging... like I said in my post while I was in town I sent him that message asking him if he wanted to get together and catch-up, but he never responded. I was a little hurt and offended, because I thought at the least we were on good terms and on the way to becoming friends again. I ended up sending him another message the next day, just like, 'hey I didn't hear from you whether you were free or not" I told him, that 'although it's been a long time since I've felt anything for you romantically, it doesn't mean that I still don't like you as a person " I was lying, obviously I love him very much but ya know,, after this summer and how desperate and stuff I was acting, I didn't want to scare him off again….And I sort of went on to say how we prob both agree with why things went wrong, basically what I said I realized with some reterospection in my original post here. I told him that, "hey we were friends for like a year before we started dating, and I kind of miss that. Etc” So, by coincidence, pretty much right after I sent that me and one of my best friends were going around Xmas shopping, and we ended up randomly going to the store that he worked at (I had no idea going in that he did). So once I realized this, it caught me off guard, I made my friend stall with me for about 20 mintues while I got all flustered and panicked... she was like "wow you are actually shaking..." Finally I worked up the courage, she went to the cash next to his and I acted like I was following her. She said that it couldn't have gone any better.....

 

I acted very non-chalant,,, he actually waved over to get my attention when he saw me... I don't know why I was so nervous he's usually super easy-going and easy to get along with.... and I was all like, 'oh I didn't know you worked here!' and we chatted and joked around for a bit. He was all like, "So you're in town till... Sunday?" "So... what's on the go for tonight?" I said, "Oh there's my roommates birthday thing tonight, I think we're headed out to the pub" He then acted very disappointed and stuff. After a pause I was like..."You should come, you know so-and so (one of my roommates is from his home town)... he seemed pretty put off by the pub idea, but he was like, 'yea, just send me a msg later' My friend said that it definitely seemed like he wanted to spend time with me and see me. After that I sent him another quick msg like... please just disregard the last msg, I wouldn't have sent it if I knew that I was running into you, I guess I was just worried about after everything that happened this summer you might be hesitant to pick up a friendship again." and he messaged me back right away, wanted to get together that evening-- we just ended up going for a walk and coffee (although he didn't get a coffee, he just seemed interested in wanting to catch up with me again), and it was really good! I kept reminding myself to just stop over-thinking things and just enjoy hanging out with him again. At the end of it, we sort of lingered outside of his house for a bit, I said it was super great catching up with him again, we had a big hug,, and he said that he would let me know the next time he was in the city (where I live) and we would make plans to hang out. Part of me kinda thought he wanted to kiss me a little, but I’m not sure.

 

Now I’m not really sure what it is, this feeling that I’m left with now. I’m really glad that this happened. It’s not exactly heart-broken, not exactly sad, but something like that. This still sucks and it hurts. I think that he’s someone that I’ll always love. It’s so great to just have him in my life again in even that way. Although he's definitely not perfect, he's a really great guy, and I’m so proud of him and I’m happy that his life is going good. It sucks because part of me thinks that something actually could very easily start up between us again if we lived in the same place, but right now we live about 2 hours away from each other, and we’re both involved with our lives there. And then he’s leaving far away for grad school most likely next fall for at least 2 years, and I have no idea where I’ll end up. Maybe sometime later on in our lives it will be meant to be and work out, but who knows. I'm going to go on with my life and try my best to be happy and go for my own goals and dreams and such, including grad school to who knows where. I don’t think genuinely loving somebody can ever be truly wasted though, and at the end of the day it’s something that you probably shouldn’t regret.

[thatsonlyme]

my theory is, and I might be wrong, that NC doesn't work for all people. Yes, it gives you a chance to move on, but you have no idea what's happening in other person's life and the hope lingers. sometimes you need to throw yourself into the fire and get burned really bad, let them hurt you as much as possible, give them a chance to show you how much they don't care about you and the hope fades away. it worked for me. I tried NC for about a month and my hope was high. then I went LC and realized that she doesn't care about me at all anymore. it poured salt on my wounds and I suffered for 2-3 months then I turned the other page. I still don't date. I learned to be happy on my own, I did my best to go out and have fun. now I live in our old apartment, place full of memories but it's not bothering me anymore. things are getting better, I'm having more fun than I ever thought possible. I wanted things to get better and it all started happening with very little effort. that's the law of attraction.

 

I also have a friend who's girlfriend left him the very same day my ex left me, and initially I thought he did better than me. he started dating, had sex with other girls but it didn't make him happy! he's still thinking about her and wants her back.

 

she broke up with me on 20th of august and not even 4 months later I'm a new man with positive outlook on life and happier than I ever was! I wish I could help more, tell you the secret recipe how to get over someone, but this is the best I can do. at least I wanna give you all hope. it is indeed possible to get over a person you love.

 

and don't fall for that "too much too soon" thing. those of you who followed my story from the beginning will know that my ex and I had to move fast because our time together was very limited. we were exchange students, temporary in US but our love was so strong that we found our way of staying here together against all the odds. there should be no excuses when you truly love someone. you will move mountains if you have to just to be with that person. unfortunately, one person is always a weak link in a relationship and in my case it was her.

maybe he really loved you, maybe he still does but it doesn't matter. it's very likely that even he doesn't know the real answer to what went wrong, hence the "too much too soon" excuse. the only thing you need to realize is it's all about YOU now! make yourself happy and try not to look for a security in another person because you don't need it! I'm not saying you shouldn't date, but do it for fun instead of looking for a new security blanket. you should learn to be happy on your own, just like you used to be before you ever started dating.

 

LS is a great community but no matter what others say you have to ultimately find your own way.

 

good luck to you all!

[AshleyMB]

Thanks for your response thatsonlyme That sounds really hard what you've had to go through, but I think it does indeed give others hope to share your stories and show that it is possible to be happy again after something like that... which can be hard to see when you are the one experiencing pain and heartbreak.

 

Although I do have to disagree with you somewhat in the effect of timing on a relationship. I'm coming at this from a social psychological perspective (It's what I'm studying now, hoping to get the phD someday!), and I do believe that timing can be a huge factor. Even if you do genuinely love or care about someone, sometimes those 'in-love' infatuation feelings and the attraction that motivates you to want to be in a relationship can be affected by many things. Even with my ex I'm talking about now--- it's funny to think back on this.... but when we first met and had a brief sorta 'thing', I honestly don't think I was at the maturity level at that point in my life to be ready for something like that, with a guy like him,, so I was the one to sketch out. It's funny because he was the same guy that I'm crazy about now, but I wasn't able to see it at the time, nor was I interested in doing so. I was completely indifferent and not into him romantically at all. I was going after and crushing all these other types of guys that ultimately probably weren't really good for me. Any of his friends will tell you that he liked me soo much, and I pretty much broke his heart then. You couldn't mention my name without it being like a taboo subject. I didn't feel the attraction at the time to want to date him, but he was willing to settle for being just my friend throughout that period of time, rather than not have me at all.

 

And it's hard to explain, but during that time,, although I didn't feel all crushy and stuff with him, I can say that I did honestly care about him. I thought he was a great guy, and I only wished that I could feel that attraction for him. I had a huge amount of respect for him, and I loved spending time with him. I really didn't want to hurt him, other guys I probably wouldn't have cared too much either way. I actually remember wishing so much that he would just date someone else, so that I wouldn't be responsible for hurting him. And the time he actually worked up the nerve to pour out his heart to me, I was legitimately really upset the next day, was talking about it with my roommate and mutual friends about how to fix it.

After a year, for some reason I actually decided that maybe I should give him a shot. It was so great for a while, I've never had a guy treat me with such love and respect. We always had so much fun together, and we are super compatible as people. He was the first guy that I ever really trusted and ever really let in in so many ways, (I have a lot of dark deep trust issues from my childhood).

But to be honest, I think at the time I did sort of... like lay all these things out on him, and kind of expected him to "fix" me. That's hard for me to admit haha....and I think that I ended up overwhelming him. This all happened within a few week period too, and then all of a sudden we were in a position where we were supposed to be this super serious couple, yet we skipped all these other steps. I don't believe that he just suddenly stopped liking me, but I do believe that in order for a healthy romantic relationship to grow, esp for it to be long-term oriented, it does need some time to gradually grow and breathe and develop, especially in the early stages. Otherwise it's just going to inevitably burn out. But you're definitely right when you say that you shouldn't be looking for your security in another person. I think you really have to have yourself before you can really give it to someone else and have a healthy relationship. That's something that I've been working on alot since then.

Even now, I don't doubt at all that he still genuinely cares about me, like I said he really wanted to see me again and spend time with me, and we really enjoyed seeing eachother again. Maybe we're just meant to be good friends, maybe he's not 'the one' for me and it wasn't some sort of 'true ultimate' love, but I can't help it that I did in fact love him.

[restart]

Hey glad you had some postive things happen, rather than just NCing your life away.

Yeah, that feeling I know, you're not sure what it is, but I think its alot better than pining and not having any kind of answer to questions you still have, or not having at least tried to tell him again (like you did, good for you!) those certain things. Avoidance tactics suck, I mean its great your overcame your shaking and all. Look at how much energy we expend trying perhaps to avoid someone...its like hatred...negative energy. We overcome...like overcoming fears...and would be great if everyone could see/feel what you did.

You know, we can run away from school, from a job, from a house. And we can find those things again. But when will the butterfly land on us next, no one can tell or assure you of that really. I prefer to keep some butterflys always around, nice to look at too Best of luck to you.