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Anybody leave their spouse because of an affair and regret the decision?

flowergirl77

By flowergirl77
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flowergirl77 Established Member

flowergirl77

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My story is under (No contact with OM is killing me) but now I am looking for another perspective to help me through this hellish time of getting over OM.

 

How many of you had an affair, left your spouse to be with OP only to have regretted it later. Looking back you saw that the affair was fu**ing with your mind and made you see things were not so bad in your MG after all. That is what I am trying to figure out...if my MG feels over b/c I am still stuck in my affair "fog". I don't feel love for my HB, and I don't want to spend time with him right now, let alone work on repairing our MG. I keep fantasizing about being on my own, starting over, being single...but then *SMACK* what about the kids, the house, our 9 years together and all we have built...can I give that up? I know the OM is not someone I would end up with long term..he would be a few fun dates (and perhaps nights) to help with the transition if I leave my HB, but I know he is not "my type" so I am not contemplating leaving my HB to be with the OM...just contemplating if this is the end of our MG, or is it a new beginning? Any stories, thoughts?

PortuguesePrincess80 Established Member

PortuguesePrincess80

Posted
Posted
My story is under (No contact with OM is killing me) but now I am looking for another perspective to help me through this hellish time of getting over OM.

 

How many of you had an affair, left your spouse to be with OP only to have regretted it later. Looking back you saw that the affair was fu**ing with your mind and made you see things were not so bad in your MG after all. That is what I am trying to figure out...if my MG feels over b/c I am still stuck in my affair "fog". I don't feel love for my HB, and I don't want to spend time with him right now, let alone work on repairing our MG. I keep fantasizing about being on my own, starting over, being single...but then *SMACK* what about the kids, the house, our 9 years together and all we have built...can I give that up? I know the OM is not someone I would end up with long term..he would be a few fun dates (and perhaps nights) to help with the transition if I leave my HB, but I know he is not "my type" so I am not contemplating leaving my HB to be with the OM...just contemplating if this is the end of our MG, or is it a new beginning? Any stories, thoughts?

 

 

 

My thoughts would be this...go see some sort of councellor. No one here can help you..ESPECIALLY if you can't even make your mind up on who you even want to be with. I would say divorce the poor bastard of a husband you have...cause I seriously think he deserves way better! PERIOD!

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
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I'm a lousy person to give advice since I saw the unhealthiness in both the M and the A as a result of the A and discontinued both at substantial loss, but feel the losses are fair and just and ultimately healthy.

 

So, with that disclaimer out of the way, I do understand the fog completely and it took me about eight months of MC to clear it away. If you *want* to find clarity, a professional psychologist who specializes in marital recovery from affairs can help.

 

The first work is to *accept* that you're confused and miss the OM and don't love your H in a way that is healthy. It's *OK* to feel that way.

 

Once you get to acceptance, everything else begins to fall into place. You're not changing the realities, rather your perception of them and how you process that perception.

 

Like the other poster suggested, we can't help you in that way. You need professional psychological help. We can offer our own experiences and support and opinion. That has value. The real value is the work you and your H do *together* to clearly decide whether and how this M will continue or not.

 

My D was final about six weeks ago. The process of MC began shortly before I started posting here back in 2008. These things sometimes take a lot of time. Strap in. One day at a time. It'll work out :)

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flowergirl77 Established Member

flowergirl77

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My thoughts would be this...go see some sort of councellor. No one here can help you..ESPECIALLY if you can't even make your mind up on who you even want to be with. I would say divorce the poor bastard of a husband you have...cause I seriously think he deserves way better! PERIOD!

 

 

DID you actually read my post?!? I specifically said I do not want to BE with the OM..that is not why I am contemplating my MG...but thanks for nothing.

PortuguesePrincess80 Established Member

PortuguesePrincess80

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DID you actually read my post?!? I specifically said I do not want to BE with the OM..that is not why I am contemplating my MG...but thanks for nothing.

 

Yep I read that and the other thread you started about how its killing you that you have no contact with the other loser either. You say you DON'T regret the affair on your other thread..so what kind of answer are you looking for? If you don't want to be with your husband or with the OM what is holding you back? Because to me your just as selfish as you were when you started the affair...its all about you you you!

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flowergirl77 Established Member

flowergirl77

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Yep I read that and the other thread you started about how its killing you that you have no contact with the other loser either. You say you DON'T regret the affair on your other thread..so what kind of answer are you looking for? If you don't want to be with your husband or with the OM what is holding you back? Because to me your just as selfish as you were when you started the affair...its all about you you you!

 

Obviously being a public forum-I expect to see the odd person open up a can of hostility toward someone who has done something immoral by having an affair-I get that you are just sharing YOUR perspective...but I can guess you have never been in my position-if you have you would not be so quick to judge.

If you can't say anything nice-why are you on this thread anyways? Just wondering...

PortuguesePrincess80 Established Member

PortuguesePrincess80

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Obviously being a public forum-I expect to see the odd person open up a can of hostility toward someone who has done something immoral by having an affair-I get that you are just sharing YOUR perspective...but I can guess you have never been in my position-if you have you would not be so quick to judge.

If you can't say anything nice-why are you on this thread anyways? Just wondering...

 

Your kidding me right? More like you should be on the OW/OM thread seeking advise from people who have no morals! I am a BS who find it despicable when you come on a thread like this and disrespect your spouse furthermore by basically saying he's a piece of crap and thats more or less your reason for cheating...then simply not being woman enough to make a decision. People like you don't deserve any sympathy...especially where betrayed spouses come on looking for support. Its like you laughing at your husband and kids..making a huge mockery of them..while you ho and hum about some loser you cant even see a future with..but would like to date while you seperate from your husband...come on give me a break. How old r you anyways? :sick:

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PortuguesePrincess80 Established Member

PortuguesePrincess80

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Obviously being a public forum-I expect to see the odd person open up a can of hostility toward someone who has done something immoral by having an affair-I get that you are just sharing YOUR perspective...but I can guess you have never been in my position-if you have you would not be so quick to judge.

If you can't say anything nice-why are you on this thread anyways? Just wondering...

 

And yes you are sooooooo absolutely right about that. Do you think it takes talent to cheat??? Because honey I could've cheated a zillion times in my lifetime...but thats something I would never sink myself to. If Im not happy...I'll leave..simple!

blueroses10 Established Member

blueroses10

Posted
Posted
My story is under (No contact with OM is killing me) but now I am looking for another perspective to help me through this hellish time of getting over OM.

 

How many of you had an affair, left your spouse to be with OP only to have regretted it later. Looking back you saw that the affair was fu**ing with your mind and made you see things were not so bad in your MG after all. That is what I am trying to figure out...if my MG feels over b/c I am still stuck in my affair "fog". I don't feel love for my HB, and I don't want to spend time with him right now, let alone work on repairing our MG. I keep fantasizing about being on my own, starting over, being single...but then *SMACK* what about the kids, the house, our 9 years together and all we have built...can I give that up? I know the OM is not someone I would end up with long term..he would be a few fun dates (and perhaps nights) to help with the transition if I leave my HB, but I know he is not "my type" so I am not contemplating leaving my HB to be with the OM...just contemplating if this is the end of our MG, or is it a new beginning? Any stories, thoughts?

 

I think if you know that you wouldn't want to be with the OM long term then you owe it to your family to work on getting your marriage back on track. The grass always looks greener on the other side and makes your grass look like a mess but it is just an illusion.

PortuguesePrincess80 Established Member

PortuguesePrincess80

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I think if you know that you wouldn't want to be with the OM long term then you owe it to your family to work on getting your marriage back on track. The grass always looks greener on the other side and makes your grass look like a mess but it is just an illusion.

 

She doesnt want her husband blueroses. She has stated that over and over again. I dont understand what the point of these threads are! She DOESN'T love her husband...as she has stated!

blueroses10 Established Member

blueroses10

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I'm a lousy person to give advice since I saw the unhealthiness in both the M and the A as a result of the A and discontinued both at substantial loss, but feel the losses are fair and just and ultimately healthy.

 

So, with that disclaimer out of the way, I do understand the fog completely and it took me about eight months of MC to clear it away. If you *want* to find clarity, a professional psychologist who specializes in marital recovery from affairs can help.

 

The first work is to *accept* that you're confused and miss the OM and don't love your H in a way that is healthy. It's *OK* to feel that way.

 

Once you get to acceptance, everything else begins to fall into place. You're not changing the realities, rather your perception of them and how you process that perception.

 

Like the other poster suggested, we can't help you in that way. You need professional psychological help. We can offer our own experiences and support and opinion. That has value. The real value is the work you and your H do *together* to clearly decide whether and how this M will continue or not.

 

My D was final about six weeks ago. The process of MC began shortly before I started posting here back in 2008. These things sometimes take a lot of time. Strap in. One day at a time. It'll work out :)

 

Good advice.

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flowergirl77 Established Member

flowergirl77

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And yes you are sooooooo absolutely right about that. Do you think it takes talent to cheat??? Because honey I could've cheated a zillion times in my lifetime...but thats something I would never sink myself to. If Im not happy...I'll leave..simple!

 

Clearly you are a woman scorned, and I am sorry that you are still so angry about your situation that you have to come on here and freak out on others looking for insight and help to get out of an affair. I am taking steps to do the right thing here-looking for advice from others who have been in my place. I, same as you, could have cheated a zillion times in my life (I am fit and attractive and get hit on lots, and BTW am 33) but have never cheated on my HB up till this point, and I didn't realize (until I was in it over my head) that infidelity could be strictly emotional-a too close friendship. I never did anything physical with this person, and pride myself in that fact. I HAVE used some self restraint, and am working to get out of this. My HB knows everything,I habe hid nothing from him, and he has chosen to try and work through our problems, and I am still here to do the same. Mostly for the kids. Weather we can, remains to be seen. Thanks for your input though-I probably deserve it.

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flowergirl77 Established Member

flowergirl77

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I'm a lousy person to give advice since I saw the unhealthiness in both the M and the A as a result of the A and discontinued both at substantial loss, but feel the losses are fair and just and ultimately healthy.

 

So, with that disclaimer out of the way, I do understand the fog completely and it took me about eight months of MC to clear it away. If you *want* to find clarity, a professional psychologist who specializes in marital recovery from affairs can help.

 

The first work is to *accept* that you're confused and miss the OM and don't love your H in a way that is healthy. It's *OK* to feel that way.

 

Once you get to acceptance, everything else begins to fall into place. You're not changing the realities, rather your perception of them and how you process that perception.

 

Like the other poster suggested, we can't help you in that way. You need professional psychological help. We can offer our own experiences and support and opinion. That has value. The real value is the work you and your H do *together* to clearly decide whether and how this M will continue or not.

 

My D was final about six weeks ago. The process of MC began shortly before I started posting here back in 2008. These things sometimes take a lot of time. Strap in. One day at a time. It'll work out :)

 

Thanks for the insight.We have done MC and individual C as well and continue to do so. I am working on myself and looking deep within to figure out what lured me down this path-I DO NOT want to be here EVER again!

PortuguesePrincess80 Established Member

PortuguesePrincess80

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Clearly you are a woman scorned, and I am sorry that you are still so angry about your situation that you have to come on here and freak out on others looking for insight and help to get out of an affair. I am taking steps to do the right thing here-looking for advice from others who have been in my place. I, same as you, could have cheated a zillion times in my life (I am fit and attractive and get hit on lots, and BTW am 33) but have never cheated on my HB up till this point, and I didn't realize (until I was in it over my head) that infidelity could be strictly emotional-a too close friendship. I never did anything physical with this person, and pride myself in that fact. I HAVE used some self restraint, and am working to get out of this. My HB knows everything,I habe hid nothing from him, and he has chosen to try and work through our problems, and I am still here to do the same. Mostly for the kids. Weather we can, remains to be seen. Thanks for your input though-I probably deserve it.

 

Scorned maybe ...who knows what I am. I am just telling you what it feels like on the betrayed persons part. In all honesty..I am reading your thread as if you were my h. Like that would totally be a deal breaker for me...no questions asked. And I'm sure if your husband read these threads...maybe his mind would be made up as well...unless well...I really don't know what kind of man your married to but there some out there that like to sweep things under the rug...which doesnt really sound like your husband actually..since he made you quit your job.

So I guess in all essence my question to you would be..if your husband saw these 2 past threads and all your answers...how do you think he would view your marriage? Still Repairable or Replaceable? Because most people on this thread have been burnt. And like I have said before...no one can really give you advise on a professional level...cause hell we ain't getting paid to do so! LOL

carhill Established Member

carhill

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OP, forgot to mention the regret part.... like your situation, my affair was an EA, but, more insidiously, it was an EA with a lady who had been a MW many years prior and someone whom I clearly had history with and was 'in love' with and had, over many years, put that away into the deep ocean of secrets we all carry around.

 

Prior to MC, I had a lot of regrets, about many things. MC helped me sort through them and understand my exW's perspective better. So, in a way, MC was serving two purposes; helping clarify the A and its meaning, as well as to clarify the issues in the M. As we worked through things, clarity slowly emerged. There were lots of disagreements and many 'spirited' debates between myself and psychologist. Regrets fell away, one by one. The affair didn't 'officially' end until after the conclusion of MC and our decision to D, but the 'in love' part ended during the process of clarfication and acceptance. I essentially realized that both ladies were incompatible partners, possessive of remarkably similar psychologies; my faulty people picker had failed me twice, big time.

 

Most likely, if I hadn't had the affair and disclosed it, my exW and I might still be struggling along. When she saw that someone of my prior integrity could lose my love enough to cheat, she knew we were done. In time, so did I. Acceptance. Definitely no regrets now, just some poverty. The cat gets a lot of dry food ;)

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flowergirl77 Established Member

flowergirl77

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Scorned maybe ...who knows what I am. I am just telling you what it feels like on the betrayed persons part. In all honesty..I am reading your thread as if you were my h. Like that would totally be a deal breaker for me...no questions asked. And I'm sure if your husband read these threads...maybe his mind would be made up as well...unless well...I really don't know what kind of man your married to but there some out there that like to sweep things under the rug...which doesnt really sound like your husband actually..since he made you quit your job.

So I guess in all essence my question to you would be..if your husband saw these 2 past threads and all your answers...how do you think he would view your marriage? Still Repairable or Replaceable? Because most people on this thread have been burnt. And like I have said before...no one can really give you advise on a professional level...cause hell we ain't getting paid to do so! LOL

 

 

My HB says if anything physical had happened THAT would have been the deal breaker. He says he could never get over his wife having sex with another man (which I could see) and IMO I could never get over it either if I had done that-so I am glad it did not end up there.

I know my HB wishes this all away, wants to carry on as if it had never happened ( I guess in a sense sweep it under the rug)-but we both know that is not the solution and we have a lot of work to do to repair all these years we have destroyed our relationship. This has just been the "rock bottom" for us both. Where we go from here is uncertain.

Molley Established Member

Molley

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Hi Flowergirl, so I’m a BS, but I can tell you that my H felt the same way you do for quite a while after D-day. When H was in the fog, one minute he wanted me, then the OW, then he wanted to be by himself. Mostly, he couldn’t decide if he wanted to stay or go, he didn’t want to work on repairing the marriage, I’m pretty sure he didn’t feel in love with me (how could he, when he was still thinking of the OW and that “love” they had) and he didn’t want to spent much time with me, instead he would sit alone in the back yard. Many times he told me that he just wanted to be single again. I finally asked him to leave and we separated several times, with the last being for about 2 months. During the last separation he woke up and clarity set in for him, he realized that the marriage was actually a good one and he didn’t want to give up on it.

 

Looking back, I think the best thing to happen for both of us was to separate. Separation allowed my H to think about his life and our marriage without my influence. In addition, not having me around, gave him time to reflect on what it would be like to no longer have me in his life. As I had mentioned, this is when clarity happened for him and the fog started lifting, he realized that much of what he thought about our marriage was a re-writing of our history together in order to allow him to have an affair without too much guilt. He also realized that if he left now, he would regret not trying to make the marriage a good one again. From what I’ve seen and read, it’s about 7-9 months for the fog to clear. While you’re in a fog, you really won’t do much for your marriage… From D-day through the time my H moved back in and the fog started lifting and we were able to really start working on our marriage, it was about 7 months and then even after commitment to make the marriage, it took him another 5-6 months to completely realize that he was happy again.

 

I don’t believe you are truly wanting to dump your marriage, because if you were, you wouldn’t be posting here asking what to do to save it. When women are done with a marriage, nothing will keep us there, we’ll walk… So that leaves me to believe that you actually do still love your husband but are just shrouded in a thick fog. How long have you been out of the affair with the OM? It sounds like not that long… I honestly believe that if you don’t know what to do about your marriage, the best thing is to do nothing drastic… give yourself time to heal and connect back with your husband. If after 8-9 months, you still feel like you don’t want to be with him, then take steps to leave and change your life. But, you need to realize what caused you to actually move toward having an A and take steps to change that, otherwise it will happen again. Love and marriage connections can be re-established, you just have to get out of the fog and focus back on your husband and you need to allow him to help make this marriage work. Did I mention that takes time?

 

You may want to track back on my old thread and read what Taylor wrote… (skip through all the other stuff…. ) http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t185299/?highlight=molley she had an EA and it took her months to reconnect to her husband, much of what you are saying she also said within the thread, an EA is just as devastating to recover from for women.

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flowergirl77 Established Member

flowergirl77

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Thanks Molley- great insights and advice. I have only been NC with the OM for 3 weeks! I can't do 6 or 9 more months of this hell! I have felt like seperation may be best, but my HB disagrees. He thinks that is a soft way to divorce-and it will be over for sure if we do it. Then how will the kids react? Where will I love etc, etc. So we decided to give it a few months and see how things feel after NC for 3 months.

Molley Established Member

Molley

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I totally understand his reasoning for not wanting the separation, I felt the same way for a long time, it wasn't until I couldn't take it any longer, my H's craziness was just too much drama for me and I actually asked him to leave... if you can stay together and not cause more hurt to your husband than staying together may be right for you two. You're into NC for only a short amount of time, just stick with it, try to refocus yourself. Just take it one day at a time. NC in 3 months will look and feel totally different to you than it does at 3 weeks.

Edited by Molley
carhill Established Member

carhill

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OP, something to think about. How would separation help with NC? If your H is willing to stay engaged and work on the M without 'drama' (those tools are learned in MC if not already in practice), then my advice would be to remain cohabiting and work this as a *team*. Our psychologist counseled against separation as it made perpetuating the status quo and A much easier. Absence, in his opinion, and mine too, in this instance, does not make the heart grow fonder, rather more absent. Once my exW and I did separate, I cannot adequately share how happy I was that she was gone. I bought her a house to make that happen.

 

Your situation is different. You both apparently want to work on the M and have not lost love for each other. What does your counselor(s) say about separation in your case? They know you much better than we ever will...

Jonah Established Member

Jonah

Posted
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My thoughts would be this...go see some sort of councellor. No one here can help you..ESPECIALLY if you can't even make your mind up on who you even want to be with. I would say divorce the poor bastard of a husband you have...cause I seriously think he deserves way better! PERIOD!

 

True this... I regret my indecision. ...lack of making a strong choice led to much pain for me and the sweet lass that hurt me. If I would have chose one way or the other, I believe she and I would be much better off today financially and emotionally.

 

But I had no choice you see, because I was ll messed up as you are. Thus the advice of counseling is on mark. Make individual counseling for yourself priority, because you need to take care of yourself.

 

:)

Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

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I totally understand his reasoning for not wanting the separation, I felt the same way for a long time, it wasn't until I couldn't take it any longer, my H's craziness was just too much drama for me and I actually asked him to leave... if you can stay together and not cause more hurt to your husband than staying together may be right for you two. You're into NC for only a short amount of time, just stick with it, try to refocus yourself. Just take it one day at a time. NC in 3 months will look and feel totally different to you than it does at 3 weeks.

 

Molley, I did the same thing without regrets to my fWS, and the councellor's be damned!

 

It was called self-preservation, and who wants to be anyone's default choice for the rest of their life?

 

It will not work. I think THAT insecurity can eat away at you for the rest of the marital relationship.

 

So, buh-bye until a clear choice could be made. Then, he had to convince me he was worth the effort to restore trust!

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flowergirl77 Established Member

flowergirl77

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My HB has known how hard it has been for me. He has been very supportive and trying to understand as best he could. Being 3 weeks NC-I am feeling more clearer headed, and the urge has lifted over the last few days. I don't know what will happen with our MG because everything is different now. I have been totally transparent with my HB about everything. My opinion is, once it is out in the open anyways, why not lay it all out on the table to deal with it together. You can't change or work on what you don't acknowledge.He has had a front row seat to my depression and "withdrawal" and knows I have been tempted to contact OM. Maybe he IS insane, or maybe he loves our family too much to give up right now.Maybe you are all right..maybe it would be better for him if I do leave, maybe he is not thinking clearly wanting me to stay, thinking we can work it out. He is desperate to keep us all together...how can I just walk out the door, and say sorry! It is best for you, you just don't see it that way right now. I am working to end my affair..that is the first step. I have thought separation would be best for us both, but he disagrees.

freestyle Established Member

freestyle

Posted
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I'm going to throw a one-liner at you, OP,from Shirley Glass.

 

"Yes, the grass might appear greener on the other side..........

Only because you don't have to mow it."

 

I hope you can find your clarity soon.

YellowShark Established Member

YellowShark

Posted
Posted
I'm going to throw a one-liner at you, OP,from Shirley Glass.

 

"Yes, the grass might appear greener on the other side..........

Only because you don't have to mow it."

 

I hope you can find your clarity soon.

 

Here's another one...

 

"if they'll cheat with you... they'll cheat on you."

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