Anybody leave their spouse because of an affair and regret the decision?

[Dexter Morgan]

My story is under (No contact with OM is killing me) but now I am looking for another perspective to help me through this hellish time of getting over OM.

 

How many of you had an affair, left your spouse to be with OP only to have regretted it later. Looking back you saw that the affair was fu**ing with your mind and made you see things were not so bad in your MG after all. That is what I am trying to figure out...if my MG feels over b/c I am still stuck in my affair "fog". I don't feel love for my HB, and I don't want to spend time with him right now, let alone work on repairing our MG. I keep fantasizing about being on my own, starting over, being single...but then *SMACK* what about the kids, the house, our 9 years together and all we have built...can I give that up? I know the OM is not someone I would end up with long term..he would be a few fun dates (and perhaps nights) to help with the transition if I leave my HB, but I know he is not "my type" so I am not contemplating leaving my HB to be with the OM...just contemplating if this is the end of our MG, or is it a new beginning? Any stories, thoughts?

 

its pretty much the end of your marriage whether you stay together or not.

 

i think you should leave your husband....for his sake.

[Dexter Morgan]

DID you actually read my post?!? I specifically said I do not want to BE with the OM..that is not why I am contemplating my MG...but thanks for nothing.

 

she said to leave the marriage because your husband deserves better.

 

we know you don't want to leave the marriage for your own selfish reasons. have you ever stopped and thought what was best for your husband? does he know of this affair? does he want to work on the marriage?

 

here is the thing, you are so selfish right now that you said you don't even want to work on the marriage, yet don't want to leave it.....all because the OM isn't the one you want to be with....but if he was, you'd have left in a heartbeat.

 

this is why she, and I, say leave your husband and set him free from you. He deserves better and deserves to get out there and find a good woman to be with that won't do this to him.

 

you? you can be free yourself to go out, have your little fun and enjoy the kind of life you know you really want. marriage does not fit you, you will always be fantasizing about what new man you can bed down....marriage will be nothing but a big bore to you.

 

So get a divorce since you don't want to work on the marriage. you are only staying in it for convenience and that is hella selfish to your husband..as if cheating wasn't already so much so.

[hopesndreams]

thoughts?

 

You asked for them, here goes. You truly are a poisonous woman.

[Dexter Morgan]

Obviously being a public forum-I expect to see the odd person open up a can of hostility toward someone who has done something immoral by having an affair-I get that you are just sharing YOUR perspective...but I can guess you have never been in my position-if you have you would not be so quick to judge.

 

most of us won't be in your position and never will be.

 

 

If you can't say anything nice-why are you on this thread anyways? Just wondering...

 

you are in the infidelity section. most people in here have had to deal with the bulls##t handed down from people in their lives who are just like you.

 

The OW/OM forum would cater to your situation better.

[Dexter Morgan]

Clearly you are a woman scorned, and I am sorry that you are still so angry about your situation that you have to come on here and freak out on others looking for insight and help to get out of an affair. I am taking steps to do the right thing here

 

no you aren't. you don't want to work on your marriage and only stay in it because OM isn't "your type". if he was, you would leave your marriage.

 

you are keeping your husband as 2nd fiddle and a backup plan until you do meet someone you click with.

 

why don't you leave your marriage? you don't want your husband, so is it out of convenience? money? what? you obviously can't handle marriage...so what is keeping you in it? and don't say your husband because we know better.

[ladydesigner]

My HB has known how hard it has been for me. He has been very supportive and trying to understand as best he could. Being 3 weeks NC-I am feeling more clearer headed, and the urge has lifted over the last few days. I don't know what will happen with our MG because everything is different now. I have been totally transparent with my HB about everything. My opinion is, once it is out in the open anyways, why not lay it all out on the table to deal with it together. You can't change or work on what you don't acknowledge.He has had a front row seat to my depression and "withdrawal" and knows I have been tempted to contact OM. Maybe he IS insane, or maybe he loves our family too much to give up right now.Maybe you are all right..maybe it would be better for him if I do leave, maybe he is not thinking clearly wanting me to stay, thinking we can work it out. He is desperate to keep us all together...how can I just walk out the door, and say sorry! It is best for you, you just don't see it that way right now. I am working to end my affair..that is the first step. I have thought separation would be best for us both, but he disagrees.

 

Hi flowergirl I think you are taking the right steps. Maybe you should be in IC to help figure out why you are feeling so miserable in your marriage. If you are thinking of saving your marriage then obviously MC wouldn't hurt. You are coming off those darn hormones (adrenaline, dopamine, fenylethylamine, endorphin and oxytocin.) Like you said you have become more clear headed with NC. Keep up the good work with NC and find a good support system. Maybe try and think back to why you got married to your H. Start dating again, try to rekindle what you had. You sound healthy headed to me just stuck in a marital rut. If you want your marriage I am sure you two can survive this and if you want something else for yourself I am sure you will find that too. Stick around and post. Most WS's get the 2x4's here. I am an ex MOW who had a revenge A and ended up falling for my XAP. The fog does lift. I hope you find the clarity and peace you are looking for.

[Distant78]

Hi flowergirl I think you are taking the right steps.

 

Really?

 

Maybe you should be in IC to help figure out why you are feeling so miserable in your marriage.

 

Why should it be about her miserability? It should be about why her husband is feeling miserable. That's what she needs to focus on, but she doesn't want to do that because she's so selfish that she's hung up on the POSOM. That's why she's feeling sad. Because she doesn't care about her husband or her marriage. She wanted a few sexually-explicit texts, phone calls and dinners over her whole marriage.

[NoLongerSad]

No it should really be about the poor kids.

[Distant78]

No, her marriage should be her top priority right now, and she's refusing to see what's really going on outside of her selfishness.

[Molley]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Oh wow… the negativity of some of the folks here is really something…. I think we've all established the selfishness of the A... so let's move on and help to get the marriage back on track. Flowergirl, don’t listen to the negativity, because your marriage can work, as long as you pull yourself out of the fog and as I’ve already said, that takes times. After the fog lifts, then you’ll need to focus on your husband and prove to him that you are in this marriage for the long haul (as Spark had mentioned earlier.) For now your husband is willing to make a go of the marriage, which is good, but he won't wait forever. What you need to do is try not to hurt him any further. You also need to prepare yourself for the chance that after things calm down, your H may decide to end it all. Right now, the BS is so focused on saving the marriage, not much regard is given to what you’ve done, how you’ve destroyed the trust… so you will soon need to prove and show that you do want this marriage. Otherwise, he’ll change his mind and walk away. Most importantly right now is to just save your husband and yourself the excessive pain and stay NC. You and your husband also need to be honest with each other and you’ll need to come to terms and an understanding why you did this and then protect your marriage from another affair.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[lkjh]

Look OP, this is gonna come off as harsh but you truly come off as a selfish person. For starters most people in your position who made the "mistake"(in quotes because its not a mistake) would feel some kind of real urge to save their family, and all of your post are just about what you want. You are letting your emotions decide your H and children's futures

 

 

Also, you seem to side with advice that just says leave and ignore all of the advice that says work on your family and suck it up.

 

 

 

How far did your affair go?

[flowergirl77]

Look OP, this is gonna come off as harsh but you truly come off as a selfish person. For starters most people in your position who made the "mistake"(in quotes because its not a mistake) would feel some kind of real urge to save their family, and all of your post are just about what you want. You are letting your emotions decide your H and children's futures

 

 

Also, you seem to side with advice that just says leave and ignore all of the advice that says work on your family and suck it up.

 

 

 

How far did your affair go?

 

I wrote the details earlier today about how far it went-nothing physical.

I am coming to a place of feeling ready to work on things, and look really hard at myself, what I have done, and how to prevent it from reoccurring in the future. Thanks for the encouragement Molley....I am not surprised at the folks on here that have an axe to grind...they have been on the receiving end of the pain-but they don't realize there are two sides to that pain and the WS suffers their own kind...until you have been in this situation-you will never understand! So thanks for the kind words. I am taking your advice and am taking it day by day. I will not contact OM, and will work on making effort to repair our MG. As you said-where that will lead, we can not predict. But to walk away without trying-we could come to regret that.

[Distant78]

I wrote the details earlier today about how far it went-nothing physical.

I am coming to a place of feeling ready to work on things, and look really hard at myself, what I have done, and how to prevent it from reoccurring in the future. Thanks for the encouragement Molley....I am not surprised at the folks on here that have an axe to grind...they have been on the receiving end of the pain-but they don't realize there are two sides to that pain and the WS suffers their own kind...until you have been in this situation-you will never understand! So thanks for the kind words. I am taking your advice and am taking it day by day. I will not contact OM, and will work on making effort to repair our MG. As you said-where that will lead, we can not predict. But to walk away without trying-we could come to regret that.

 

The only pain WSs suffer is the aftermath post-affair when everything's exposed. There's no comparison to a BSs pain because they didn't do the cheating.

[Distant78]

Look OP, this is gonna come off as harsh but you truly come off as a selfish person. For starters most people in your position who made the "mistake"(in quotes because its not a mistake) would feel some kind of real urge to save their family, and all of your post are just about what you want. You are letting your emotions decide your H and children's futures

 

 

Also, you seem to side with advice that just says leave and ignore all of the advice that says work on your family and suck it up.

 

 

 

How far did your affair go?

 

It wasn't a mistake and she knows that.

[PerpetualMotion]

Don't assume that just because someone hasn't been in your shoes, they don't understand what you might be feeling. The thing is, unlike your husband, you only have yourself to blame for what you're going through. You are where you are because of your bad decisions.

 

You say you want to work on your marriage, however, considering the way you word it, it gives me the impression that you are already expecting your attempt to fail. If you go with that attitude, then I agree with those that say that you should leave your husband right away. You'll most likely waste everyone's time.

 

My only advice: make your actions match what you say.

[ladydesigner]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Oh wow… the negativity of some of the folks here is really something…. I think we've all established the selfishness of the A... so let's move on and help to get the marriage back on track. Flowergirl, don’t listen to the negativity, because your marriage can work, as long as you pull yourself out of the fog and as I’ve already said, that takes times. After the fog lifts, then you’ll need to focus on your husband and prove to him that you are in this marriage for the long haul (as Spark had mentioned earlier.) For now your husband is willing to make a go of the marriage, which is good, but he won't wait forever. What you need to do is try not to hurt him any further. You also need to prepare yourself for the chance that after things calm down, your H may decide to end it all. Right now, the BS is so focused on saving the marriage, not much regard is given to what you’ve done, how you’ve destroyed the trust… so you will soon need to prove and show that you do want this marriage. Otherwise, he’ll change his mind and walk away. Most importantly right now is to just save your husband and yourself the excessive pain and stay NC. You and your husband also need to be honest with each other and you’ll need to come to terms and an understanding why you did this and then protect your marriage from another affair.[/FONT][/sIZE]

 

The above is good advice Flowergirl. I agree that many of the BS's here are probably triggered by your post as to why there are so many harsh responses. Flowergirl I would try to save the M if you can. It sounds like you are in the "affair fog" which will eventually lift and your H is willing to give you a chance. I think you have a good shot at reconciling if you put your energy back into your M.

[Dexter Morgan]

I am not surprised at the folks on here that have an axe to grind...they have been on the receiving end of the pain-but they don't realize there are two sides to that pain and the WS suffers their own kind...until you have been in this situation-you will never understand!

 

unlike your husband, you are in this situation due to your own selfishness.

 

and because of that, alot of us here will NEVER be in the same kind of situation you made for yourself. you did this to yourself, the situation for your husband is one YOU imposed on him.

 

 

I will not contact OM, and will work on making effort to repair our MG.

 

and what are you willing to do to make it up to your husabnd? You both more than likely have work to do to repair this, but the burden on your end of it is greater and therefore the greater effort in repairing this lies with you.

 

if he told you, for example, that he doesn't feel comfortable with you going out on a girls night out to bars or clubs....would you honor his feelings and refrain?

[flowergirl77]

unlike your husband, you are in this situation due to your own selfishness.

 

and because of that, alot of us here will NEVER be in the same kind of situation you made for yourself. you did this to yourself, the situation for your husband is one YOU imposed on him.

 

 

 

 

and what are you willing to do to make it up to your husabnd? You both more than likely have work to do to repair this, but the burden on your end of it is greater and therefore the greater effort in repairing this lies with you.

 

if he told you, for example, that he doesn't feel comfortable with you going out on a girls night out to bars or clubs....would you honor his feelings and refrain?

 

Good question: I am not sure if I am OK with being controlled and treated like a child, no. I assume that is what you are talking about when you say the bulk of the work is on my shoulders. Right now I am not sure what I am willing to do to save this.....right now I am taking it day by day, and agreed to stay put in our home to see if we can improve things. That is what my HB wants. He is freaked out about breaking up the kids family, having to pay child support, losing our house, vehicles etc...I am afraid for the same reasons. We will be financially ruined through divorcing, and that is hard to take. Plus I have no where to go, no family I can stay with, no job (I quit to get away from OM) and have no idea how I would live without seeing my girls everyday. THAT is why I am still here...and no, I would not go run to the OM. I am not trying to decide WHO I want to be with here..just if my MG has any hope.

[Distant78]

Good question: I am not sure if I am OK with being controlled and treated like a child, no. I assume that is what you are talking about when you say the bulk of the work is on my shoulders. Right now I am not sure what I am willing to do to save this.....right now I am taking it day by day, and agreed to stay put in our home to see if we can improve things. That is what my HB wants. He is freaked out about breaking up the kids family, having to pay child support, losing our house, vehicles etc...I am afraid for the same reasons. We will be financially ruined through divorcing, and that is hard to take. Plus I have no where to go, no family I can stay with, no job (I quit to get away from OM) and have no idea how I would live without seeing my girls everyday. THAT is why I am still here...and no, I would not go run to the OM. I am not trying to decide WHO I want to be with here..just if my MG has any hope.

 

It's not about him controlling you. It's about having boundaries and having respect for him and yourself. Having common sense and morals to not put yourself in environments where you are most likely to cheat. Something that you didn't have when you decided to cheat. If all you're going to do is half-azz reconciliation and dragging your husband down with you, might as well pull the plug.

[michaelk]

OP, I completely understand where you are coming from, having been there myself. Your feelings are natural. The passion you found with the OM has distanced you from your H emotionally and created a vision of an alternative life, free of whatever issues you've had in your M. You've made the decision that leaving isn't what you want, but you're struggling with the pain of giving up the OM to back to what you had before. This was the hardest point for me.

 

I can't tell you whether you'll regret it or not if you leave, since I didn't do that. I stayed. I realized that even though I didn't love my W anymore, there was still a bond there. Plus we had two young children, and I couldn't bring myself to leave them. So I decided that it was worth an investment of effort on my part to try putting things back together. I figured, if it didn't work out at least I would have made the best effort I could. Nearly 4 years later, I'm still here.

 

The first 6 months were hell. I was lucky my W didn't take it out on me too much, because if there had been anger and incrimination on top of everything else it wouldn't have worked. We went to MC and each took responsibility for our part in messing up the marriage in the first place, and we learned how to really communicate for the first time. I missed the OW terribly, but put as much effort as I could into improving things at home.

 

It took 2 years before I could go a day without thinking of the OW, although the thoughts were less and less emotional with every month that passed. It took 3 years before my W wouldn't worry anytime I walked out the door. Fortunately, I've been working at home most of this time, so that helped her through the transition.

 

The good news is that we seem to be over the hump at this point. We have better communication skills and, frankly, our sex life is better than it was before the A. Our kids are happy and thriving.

 

The bad news is that while I love my W, I never fell back in love with her the way I once was. I don't think this is because of the A or the OW, though. I realize now that my feelings had changed long before I cheated. But there is more to life than romance. We are good companions and we enjoy many of the same things and have many mutual friends. I do not regret having stayed in my M.

 

Looking back, I realize now that things would not have worked out long-term with my OW, and had I left I probably would have regretted that. My family would have been worse off all around, and I would probably be sitting alone in a little apartment somewhere scraping to make alimony payments. The romance of an affair is intoxicating, but once your head clears you will start to see things very differently.

 

Hope this helps,

 

MK

[wicar1]

That is what my HB wants. He is freaked out about breaking up the kids family, having to pay child support, losing our house, vehicles etc...I am afraid for the same reasons. We will be financially ruined through divorcing, and that is hard to take. Plus I have no where to go, no family I can stay with, no job (I quit to get away from OM) and have no idea how I would live without seeing my girls everyday. THAT is why I am still here...and no, I would not go run to the OM. I am not trying to decide WHO I want to be with here..just if my MG has any hope.

 

First of all there is no marriage here. Read what you ve posted again. You two are staying together

- Not to get ruined financially

- You have nowhere to go

- You have no job

 

There is no marriage. It looks like a business partnership to me. I do not understand why you would start an affair if you love your kids so much as you describe.

 

It seems the poor guy wants to stay with you only coz of financial reasons. Thats pathetic.

[Minnie09]

It really does sound bad, and I would love to hear more about your H's feelings about the whole thing. Is he still in only for the financial issues, the kids, and the house? What is his attitude like? He must have been suffering, but is he expressing his true feelings to you? And do you listen, care, understand?

Do you know what he wants? I know you don't quite know what you want, OP, but if you pay attention to what your spouse is feeling right now, maybe he has already made a decision for you, and you just don't know yet? Think about it.

[Distant78]

It really does sound bad, and I would love to hear more about your H's feelings about the whole thing. Is he still in only for the financial issues, the kids, and the house? What is his attitude like? He must have been suffering, but is he expressing his true feelings to you? And do you listen, care, understand?

Do you know what he wants? I know you don't quite know what you want, OP, but if you pay attention to what your spouse is feeling right now, maybe he has already made a decision for you, and you just don't know yet? Think about it.

 

Of course she doesn't care or understand and refuses to. She even said it herself. After he treated her well after an abusive relationship, gave her marriage and 2 kids and this is how she repays him. Can't even feel sorry for hurting him in one of the most degrading ways. I feel for the poor guy.

[Spark1111]

OP, I completely understand where you are coming from, having been there myself. Your feelings are natural. The passion you found with the OM has distanced you from your H emotionally and created a vision of an alternative life, free of whatever issues you've had in your M. You've made the decision that leaving isn't what you want, but you're struggling with the pain of giving up the OM to back to what you had before. This was the hardest point for me.

 

I can't tell you whether you'll regret it or not if you leave, since I didn't do that. I stayed. I realized that even though I didn't love my W anymore, there was still a bond there. Plus we had two young children, and I couldn't bring myself to leave them. So I decided that it was worth an investment of effort on my part to try putting things back together. I figured, if it didn't work out at least I would have made the best effort I could. Nearly 4 years later, I'm still here.

 

The first 6 months were hell. I was lucky my W didn't take it out on me too much, because if there had been anger and incrimination on top of everything else it wouldn't have worked. We went to MC and each took responsibility for our part in messing up the marriage in the first place, and we learned how to really communicate for the first time. I missed the OW terribly, but put as much effort as I could into improving things at home.

 

It took 2 years before I could go a day without thinking of the OW, although the thoughts were less and less emotional with every month that passed. It took 3 years before my W wouldn't worry anytime I walked out the door. Fortunately, I've been working at home most of this time, so that helped her through the transition.

 

The good news is that we seem to be over the hump at this point. We have better communication skills and, frankly, our sex life is better than it was before the A. Our kids are happy and thriving.

 

The bad news is that while I love my W, I never fell back in love with her the way I once was. I don't think this is because of the A or the OW, though. I realize now that my feelings had changed long before I cheated. But there is more to life than romance. We are good companions and we enjoy many of the same things and have many mutual friends. I do not regret having stayed in my M.

 

Looking back, I realize now that things would not have worked out long-term with my OW, and had I left I probably would have regretted that. My family would have been worse off all around, and I would probably be sitting alone in a little apartment somewhere scraping to make alimony payments. The romance of an affair is intoxicating, but once your head clears you will start to see things very differently.

 

Hope this helps,

 

MK

 

Wow MK.....why would your wife want to be married to you?

 

She is your default choice and she was chosen for all the wrong reasons.

 

Doubts she knows of your affair, right?

 

Because if she just read your post, and if she had any self-respect, she would have a bag packed with kids in tow looking for her own passionate, intimate soulmate.

 

She deserves that. Not some man who "settled" for the contract of a marriage.

 

How selfish! But I guess I should applaud you for making the right decision FOR YOU, for all the wrong reasond FOR HER.

[Snowflower]

 

The first 6 months were hell. I was lucky my W didn't take it out on me too much, because if there had been anger and incrimination on top of everything else it wouldn't have worked. We went to MC and each took responsibility for our part in messing up the marriage in the first place, and we learned how to really communicate for the first time. I missed the OW terribly, but put as much effort as I could into improving things at home.

 

 

 

Spark, I think MK's wife is/was aware of the affair, based on what he posted.

 

I agree with you though; it is an incredibly sad situation and it wouldn't be my choice for how I chose to live my life. But, to each his own.

 

And what MK wrote about is not all that unusual IMO, I do know many couples who have a similar arrangement within their marriages (without any known infidelity). They co-parent, share finances and a home, and are good partners/friends. There is just little romantic/intimate bond between them.

 

These types of marriages- often called companionate marriages-are very common, unfortunately.