Anybody leave their spouse because of an affair and regret the decision?

[ladydesigner]

Spark, I think MK's wife is/was aware of the affair, based on what he posted.

 

I agree with you though; it is an incredibly sad situation and it wouldn't be my choice for how I chose to live my life. But, to each his own.

 

And what MK wrote about is not all that unusual IMO, I do know many couples who have a similar arrangement within their marriages (without any known infidelity). They co-parent, share finances and a home, and are good partners/friends. There is just little romantic/intimate bond between them.

 

These types of marriages- often called companionate marriages-are very common, unfortunately.

 

I often feel this is what I am in, but my H's infidelity and other life betrayals caused me to feel disconnected before I had my RA. I believe we are getting back to a more intimate M, but still not the way it was before his A or my A. I also know that my XAP would have been terrible for me. I am thankful everyday I am in my M with my H and my kids are happy. It may not be the M of my dreams , but am very content with life as I know it.

[michaelk]

I am thankful everyday I am in my M with my H and my kids are happy. It may not be the M of my dreams , but am very content with life as I know it.

 

Well said, and for some (I suspect many) people, this pragmatic attitude is the key to a long-term marriage. It might not fit into the fantasy of life-long love that we grow up with, but really how many of us get to experience that? Just look at the divorce rate and add in all of the "companion marriages" and "marriages of convenience/necessity". The fraction that remains doesn't seem too large.

 

Despite this, I truly wish you well in getting the intimacy back in your M. It's hard because post-A neither of you is the same person to the other. Because of this, I'm convinced that you can never go back to the way things were. But perhaps you can go forward to something good and loving that accommodates your new understanding of each other as people.

 

MK

Edited December 15, 2010 by michaelk

[mr. fool]

Hi there,

You have given some pretty good reasons to stay for now.......You can find yourself back to your husband if you change your attitude and let yourself see the good in him, feel his touch again, watch his face light up, hold his hand.

[Dexter Morgan]

Good question: I am not sure if I am OK with being controlled and treated like a child, no.

 

i didn't ask if you would be ok with you TELLING you what you could do, I asked if you would honor his feelings if he expressed concern? Or would you go out with the girl's anyway knowing he isn't comfortable with it because you are not to be trusted?

 

as far as being treated like a child, if you act like one, you will be treated like one.

 

 

I assume that is what you are talking about when you say the bulk of the work is on my shoulders. Right now I am not sure what I am willing to do to save this.....right now I am taking it day by day, and agreed to stay put in our home to see if we can improve things. That is what my HB wants. He is freaked out about breaking up the kids family, having to pay child support, losing our house, vehicles etc...I am afraid for the same reasons. We will be financially ruined through divorcing, and that is hard to take.

 

 

you know what, i thought that too, that I'd be financially ruined. but I didn't care, I wanted a better life for myself...one without a cheater.

 

And after the dust settled, the divorce was over, and I settled into the routine, I was just fine. finances will recover. I took out a loan for my attorneys fees and paid it off.

 

i hope your husband isn't trading piece of mind and happiness over finances.

 

 

Plus I have no where to go, no family I can stay with, no job (I quit to get away from OM)

 

so find yourself another job.

 

 

and have no idea how I would live without seeing my girls everyday.

 

well thats the crappy part. you are the mother. no matter how unscrupulous, you will get custody and child support. fathers get the shaft unless they can prove a mother unfit. and unfortunately, being a cheater doesn't deem a mother unfit.

 

 

THAT is why I am still here...and no, I would not go run to the OM.

 

of course you wouldn't because he is a loser by your description.

 

 

I am not trying to decide WHO I want to be with here..just if my MG has any hope.

 

not with your line of thinking and attitude about your husband being the cause of your cheating.

[Distant78]

Well said, and for some (I suspect many) people, this pragmatic attitude is the key to a long-term marriage.

 

Yet you admitted you don't even love your own wife and that you "settled." You even said that if your wife had got a pissy fit over your own cheating within the first 6 months of reconciliation you would've left. That doesn't sound like someone who is dedicated to marriage.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Wow MK.....why would your wife want to be married to you?

 

She is your default choice and she was chosen for all the wrong reasons.

 

Doubts she knows of your affair, right?

 

Because if she just read your post, and if she had any self-respect, she would have a bag packed with kids in tow looking for her own passionate, intimate soulmate.

 

She deserves that. Not some man who "settled" for the contract of a marriage.

 

How selfish! But I guess I should applaud you for making the right decision FOR YOU, for all the wrong reasond FOR HER.

 

Exactly...his wife is one big mess to deal with a coward like this. I wouldve ended up in jail on D-Day for sure!

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Well said, and for some (I suspect many) people, this pragmatic attitude is the key to a long-term marriage. It might not fit into the fantasy of life-long love that we grow up with, but really how many of us get to experience that? Just look at the divorce rate and add in all of the "companion marriages" and "marriages of convenience/necessity". The fraction that remains doesn't seem too large.

 

Despite this, I truly wish you well in getting the intimacy back in your M. It's hard because post-A neither of you is the same person to the other. Because of this, I'm convinced that you can never go back to the way things were. But perhaps you can go forward to something good and loving that accommodates your new understanding of each other as people.

 

MK

 

I'll delete that...might get banned again! :S lol

Edited December 16, 2010 by PortuguesePrincess80

[bentnotbroken]

Wow MK.....why would your wife want to be married to you?

 

She is your default choice and she was chosen for all the wrong reasons.

 

Doubts she knows of your affair, right?

 

Because if she just read your post, and if she had any self-respect, she would have a bag packed with kids in tow looking for her own passionate, intimate soulmate.

 

She deserves that. Not some man who "settled" for the contract of a marriage.

 

How selfish! But I guess I should applaud you for making the right decision FOR YOU, for all the wrong reasond FOR HER.

 

 

His attitude is sad to say the least...

[anne1707]

Despite this, I truly wish you well in getting the intimacy back in your M. It's hard because post-A neither of you is the same person to the other. Because of this, I'm convinced that you can never go back to the way things were. But perhaps you can go forward to something good and loving that accommodates your new understanding of each other as people.

 

MK

 

But the point is that to reconcile, you should not go back to the way things were. For the marriage to succeed something has to change although I would hate it to be to the situation you describe Michael. I know that my H deserves way better than that - don't you think your wife does?

[pureinheart]

My story is under (No contact with OM is killing me) but now I am looking for another perspective to help me through this hellish time of getting over OM.

 

How many of you had an affair, left your spouse to be with OP only to have regretted it later. Looking back you saw that the affair was fu**ing with your mind and made you see things were not so bad in your MG after all. That is what I am trying to figure out...if my MG feels over b/c I am still stuck in my affair "fog". I don't feel love for my HB, and I don't want to spend time with him right now, let alone work on repairing our MG. I keep fantasizing about being on my own, starting over, being single...but then *SMACK* what about the kids, the house, our 9 years together and all we have built...can I give that up? I know the OM is not someone I would end up with long term..he would be a few fun dates (and perhaps nights) to help with the transition if I leave my HB, but I know he is not "my type" so I am not contemplating leaving my HB to be with the OM...just contemplating if this is the end of our MG, or is it a new beginning? Any stories, thoughts?

 

Hi FG,

 

I responded to your thread in the OM/OW forum, and read that you weren't received well in this forum...I wanted to see for myself...I am disgusted. I am so sorry that people are unable to handle themselves better..wow

 

Thank God for the couple of supportive posts that you did receive...4 pages and most of it mean and confrontational...

 

Please keep in mind that in most cases there are reasons why people seek others, please look at why you had the A and then take it from there.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Hi FG,

 

I responded to your thread in the OM/OW forum, and read that you weren't received well in this forum...I wanted to see for myself...I am disgusted. I am so sorry that people are unable to handle themselves better..wow

 

Thank God for the couple of supportive posts that you did receive...4 pages and most of it mean and confrontational...

 

Please keep in mind that in most cases there are reasons why people seek others, please look at why you had the A and then take it from there.

 

 

Hahaha...said one cheater to the other! The ONLY thing DISGUSTING in the thread is her lack of empathy for her husband and kids. She's stated this OM is a loser...but she cant get over the loser?!? Doesnt make sense to me either way!

[ladydesigner]

Hahaha...said one cheater to the other! The ONLY thing DISGUSTING in the thread is her lack of empathy for her husband and kids. She's stated this OM is a loser...but she cant get over the loser?!? Doesnt make sense to me either way!

 

Really?? Not sure if this was contributing in any way. PIH has never been unkind in any of her posts be it a WS, BS, etc. I think the point you are trying to make has been driven home in this thread already.

[bentnotbroken]

Really?? Not sure if this was contributing in any way. PIH has never been unkind in any of her posts be it a WS, BS, etc. I think the point you are trying to make has been driven home in this thread already.

 

I take issue with this. Maybe not to your recollection...but my memory is long.

[Distant78]

Hahaha...said one cheater to the other! The ONLY thing DISGUSTING in the thread is her lack of empathy for her husband and kids. She's stated this OM is a loser...but she cant get over the loser?!? Doesnt make sense to me either way!

 

I know right? That's why cheaters make no sense. She said in another thread her OM made her feel sexy, alive, and wanted and now he's a loser? It is sad though that she decided to not give her husband and kids the love and committment they needed. I feel for them.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Really?? Not sure if this was contributing in any way. PIH has never been unkind in any of her posts be it a WS, BS, etc. I think the point you are trying to make has been driven home in this thread already.

 

Actually I think PIH is a big girl who can defend whatever anyones response is for one. Secondly I have had threads where she's consistantly defending the OW... so her perception on BS's and R's is a lil tainted if you ask me. Just read my previous threads..and you'll see why. In either case...you also go on and on about how your relationship is so dandy...then you post threads like a million of them on how unhappy you are..and are still torn about this affair dude u had an affair with for 2 months...so in MY opinion...you opinion is a lil tainted too!

[PortuguesePrincess80]

I know right? That's why cheaters make no sense. She said in another thread her OM made her feel sexy, alive, and wanted and now he's a loser? It is sad though that she decided to not give her husband and kids the love and committment they needed. I feel for them.

 

And you gotta love how the all the OW and cheaters are saying we're disgusting...for posting proper...more realistic advise! I either think someones really dilluted or just shooting the ****.

[michaelk]

But the point is that to reconcile, you should not go back to the way things were. For the marriage to succeed something has to change although I would hate it to be to the situation you describe Michael. I know that my H deserves way better than that - don't you think your wife does?

 

This is not about me. It's about the OP. I share my personal experiences in an attempt to help people. To let them know that others have been through what they're going through and to show them what one possible future looks like. They are free to take from it what they will, or nothing at all.

 

When a couple is torn by an A, each person must decide for themselves which possible paths are and are not acceptable - stay married for love, for the kids, for financial/security reasons, or not at all. And any decision that is acceptable to both must be considered acceptable, period. It's not for anyone else to judge. My W and I took the path we're on with our eyes wide open, and I hope the OP and her H do the same, whatever that path may be.

 

MK

[PortuguesePrincess80]

This is not about me. It's about the OP. I share my personal experiences in an attempt to help people. To let them know that others have been through what they're going through and to show them what one possible future looks like. They are free to take from it what they will, or nothing at all.

 

When a couple is torn by an A, each person must decide for themselves which possible paths are and are not acceptable - stay married for love, for the kids, for financial/security reasons, or not at all. And any decision that is acceptable to both must be considered acceptable, period. It's not for anyone else to judge. My W and I took the path we're on with our eyes wide open, and I hope the OP and her H do the same, whatever that path may be.

 

MK

Pulease. Either your wife is one blind bat...or you have fooled her to be the doormat that she is. I am all for forgiving a regretful cheater...but you my friend are still hungover some ho. In either case..you are causing more harm to your children than anyone..and one day they will see it...and you will THAN and only THAN regret your choices. People dont stay married for 1 of the reasons you mentioned above...they stay married for ALL the reasons above.

[Distant78]

This is not about me. It's about the OP. I share my personal experiences in an attempt to help people. To let them know that others have been through what they're going through and to show them what one possible future looks like. They are free to take from it what they will, or nothing at all.

 

When a couple is torn by an A, each person must decide for themselves which possible paths are and are not acceptable - stay married for love, for the kids, for financial/security reasons, or not at all. And any decision that is acceptable to both must be considered acceptable, period. It's not for anyone else to judge. My W and I took the path we're on with our eyes wide open, and I hope the OP and her H do the same, whatever that path may be.

 

MK

 

You took a different path. You're continuing to gaslight her into believing you fully love her, when really you still like the OW instead. You even said that if she would've put up a raging fit during the first few months after your affair you would've left. C'mon man? How does that show you guys are on the same path?

[PortuguesePrincess80]

You took a different path. You're continuing to gaslight her into believing you fully love her, when really you still like the OW instead. You even said that if she would've put up a raging fit during the first few months after your affair you would've left. C'mon man? How does that show you guys are on the same path?

 

Some path huh? The path to destruction is more like it!

[wicar1]

Simply cheaters seem to think getting betrayed is not a big deal. Well it is a big deal... for people with self respect...and people who really loved their partner... and yes ..there is no way a cheater can know that... they lack self respect and love.

 

When you cheat..you are not only cheating on your H/W but also your kids. It amuses me when cheaters describe their love for the kids. If you really loved your kids...how the hell could you go f**** around with a AP, knowing you are putting your family at risk. When you were with AP have you ever thought what your kids would be doing...?

 

A cheater deserves no family.....

[anne1707]

This is not about me. It's about the OP. I share my personal experiences in an attempt to help people. To let them know that others have been through what they're going through and to show them what one possible future looks like. They are free to take from it what they will, or nothing at all.

 

When a couple is torn by an A, each person must decide for themselves which possible paths are and are not acceptable - stay married for love, for the kids, for financial/security reasons, or not at all. And any decision that is acceptable to both must be considered acceptable, period. It's not for anyone else to judge. My W and I took the path we're on with our eyes wide open, and I hope the OP and her H do the same, whatever that path may be.

 

MK

 

OK well in turn I will say to the OP that reconciliation in marriage does not just have to be at a level where it is tolerable to live and function under the same roof with no real love or passion (which sounds like a breeding ground for future affairs IMO). In fact reconciliation can result in a far stronger and far happier marriage than ever. It can create a united and strong partnership where yes the love has been tested but it has also passed that test. It can lead to a marriage which is not overshadowed by mistakes of the past but instead looks forward to a long and bright future. A truly successful reconciliation is possible if both are committed to making it work, are completely honest with each other and also realise that it will take time but it would be worth it.

[Distant78]

Simply cheaters seem to think getting betrayed is not a big deal. Well it is a big deal... for people with self respect...and people who really loved their partner... and yes ..there is no way a cheater can know that... they lack self respect and love.

 

When you cheat..you are not only cheating on your H/W but also your kids. It amuses me when cheaters describe their love for the kids. If you really loved your kids...how the hell could you go f**** around with a AP, knowing you are putting your family at risk. When you were with AP have you ever thought what your kids would be doing...?

 

A cheater deserves no family.....

 

Agree 100%. They don't deserve it. They think they can have sex with someone else then come back into the relationship wanting to deal with the issues. Nope.

[ladydesigner]

Actually I think PIH is a big girl who can defend whatever anyones response is for one. Secondly I have had threads where she's consistantly defending the OW... so her perception on BS's and R's is a lil tainted if you ask me. Just read my previous threads..and you'll see why. In either case...you also go on and on about how your relationship is so dandy...then you post threads like a million of them on how unhappy you are..and are still torn about this affair dude u had an affair with for 2 months...so in MY opinion...you opinion is a lil tainted too!

 

Sweetheart before you start putting words in other peoples' mouths I would take a step back. I am not still torn about this dude it has been 2 years. I am dedicated to my M. I am a BS as well so I know the anguish and crazy emotions that go with that, unfortunately I lowered myself to my H's level and had a revenge affair. Tainted, yes probably, but I am working on myself and my marriage everyday. I love my H and the family we have. I come to LS to listen to what others have to say good and bad. I have learned a lot here. I guess I haven't been here long enough to see any side that is negative about PIH. To each his own I guess *shrug*

 

Anyways I am bowing out of this thread. Sorry to T/J OP

Edited December 17, 2010 by ladydesigner

[Dexter Morgan]

Hahaha...said one cheater to the other! The ONLY thing DISGUSTING in the thread is her lack of empathy for her husband and kids. She's stated this OM is a loser...but she cant get over the loser?!? Doesnt make sense to me either way!

 

hit the nail on the head