A happy thread for the Happy Other Woman/Man

[pureinheart]

My H was sexually exclusive with me during the A, as he has been ever since. But of course no one believed that here, even though I had the evidence

 

I would...it happened to me also...

[awkward]

I think that Karma should be able to have a happy thread where she can post about the joys of her relationship with MM. I don't look at it like she is bragging about banging someone else's husband. I mean TBH this is the OW/OM forum, and most of the OW/OM on this forum are in fact sleeping with a MM/MW. It's not bragging so much as it is a reality.

 

When she posts about him hurting her again, that would be a good place to point out all the crap he's put her through. I am however only expressing my own opinion and not telling others how to post, where to post, or what to post. That just burns me.

 

Also, Karma while I realize that you don't want to hear negative things about MM, I think you should consider that these people have been here supporting you all along. And in the future when you need it most, these very same people will be here for you then.

Edited December 14, 2010 by awkward

[pureinheart]

Life is very much about accepting less than we want. One reason is because we always want more than what we have and it's natural.

 

We want our lives to be perfect. We would like to have a job involving something that is our passion, so that we don't get bored and tired with it, and a job we could do within hours that suit our family life. And one that would bring us a lot of money, good career prospects and the guarantee that we can keep it for as long as we need it.

 

How many of us have it exactly this way? But we accpet jobs that are available because we cannot afford to have none until we find the ideal one.

 

Someone might want to have a family and ideally two children, a boy and a girl. Then it might turn out that the person they married is infertile. Or they manage to only conceive one child. Or only boys, while they want a daughter. What then?

 

We all would like to live in lovely big houses and have plenty of fantastic holidays, have good health always, a circle of wonderful friends and close family around, but for many it's not possible. Should they not accept the life they have?

 

Why spend our lives despairing over what we don't have instead of appreciating what we do have? Years go by really fast..

 

We have to deal with what life brings us and try to make most of it in the way that suits our particular situation. Often forcing things to be different leads us nowhere.

 

An OW might want a full R with the man they love who happens to be a MM, but they also want to be with the man they LOVE, not just some other "random" man, who's nice and ticks all the boxes. They already love a man and leaving him in order to try and force themselves to forget about him for an off chance that maybe one day they'll meet someone else who will be good enough is in no way a recipe for quick happiness.

 

Love IS one of the most important aspects of the R.

 

 

Very well put Ellin, this is exactly where we all need to be no matter situation we are in.

 

Thanks Ellin, this really helped a lot:)

[carrie999]

How is having an affair with another woman's husband acting in this manner? How is being a third secret person in a two person relationship treating his wife with respect and empathy and understanding? Are they only used when it is in your best interest and convenient for you? An ow preaching respecting and empathising with others doesn't quite cut it.

 

 

GG, I'll admit my ignorance here. I haven't looked into what you or others have posted. But based upon reading through this thread, you seem pretty bitter. Am I reading this wrong? Most of the other people who have chastised OP or have in some way given her a reality check seem either empathetic or understanding. I'm certainly not attacking you, but I'm wondering if you're coming at this from another angle? (Again, forgive my ignorance for not knowing you better).

 

To me, this is a forum where everyone has a right to speak honestly from any perspective, whether that's a BS or OM/OW. In a thread like this, while that honestly is equally founded and important, it might help if those who disagree with the OP state why they do.

 

I only say this because most people who posted who knew the OP seemed to understand her background, and posted based upon that. GG, I don't know you and don't mean any disrespect, but this particular post seemed to be very general in the sense that it seems to deride the OP and anyone involved in an extramarital affair.

 

That's all well and good, but I do believe that anyone posting in the OM/OW forum can expect some degree of empathy. While I can see why it leaves us all open to derision, I don't think it's unreasonable that the overall tone of the responses should be understanding. That is the purpose of a forum designed specifically for those of us who are the AP's, isn't it?

[carrie999]

I agree with all of you who posted here in exactly this respect: extramarital affairs are messy, unkind, and are frought with uncertainty and terrible consequences. In most cases (including my fleeting experience with one) they are not worth the pain they may cause to all involved parties. In my case, as I hope is true with others, they serve a purpose. We learn more about who we are, who and how we love, and what we should aspire to be.

 

Despite the OP's difficulties in her own EMR, I think I know what she was trying to do here. Most of what we all read on this board is hard to read. All relationships are difficult. What we all encounter happens to be harder and more complicated.

 

I actually ended my EMR. But I clicked on this thread in hopes of finding that "Love Actually" (the movie, for those who don't know it) kind of effect. In the midst of so much grief and sadness, someone, somewhere, is finding what we all are hoping to find. Maybe the thread itself was "selfish" in the sense that she was looking to validate her messy relationship, even for the moment.

 

But maybe this exactly what this particular board needs from time to time...someone to remind us (or at least ask the question) that it might actually work out for some of us. We need some happy stories. Anyone who reads or posts regularly and is paying any attention knows better than to hold out any real hope.

 

So once in a while, it's nice to either suspend our disbelief, or just go for it and hope for the best. ...Or, if nothing else, be happy to cheer for our (virtual) friends who find it, even if only for now :-)

 

Sorry to be such a sap. It's so atypical of me. But I hope that we'll all find both peace and happiness in our relationships.

[hoping2heal]

GG, I'll admit my ignorance here. I haven't looked into what you or others have posted. But based upon reading through this thread, you seem pretty bitter. Am I reading this wrong? Most of the other people who have chastised OP or have in some way given her a reality check seem either empathetic or understanding. I'm certainly not attacking you, but I'm wondering if you're coming at this from another angle? (Again, forgive my ignorance for not knowing you better).

 

To me, this is a forum where everyone has a right to speak honestly from any perspective, whether that's a BS or OM/OW. In a thread like this, while that honestly is equally founded and important, it might help if those who disagree with the OP state why they do.

 

I only say this because most people who posted who knew the OP seemed to understand her background, and posted based upon that. GG, I don't know you and don't mean any disrespect, but this particular post seemed to be very general in the sense that it seems to deride the OP and anyone involved in an extramarital affair.

 

That's all well and good, but I do believe that anyone posting in the OM/OW forum can expect some degree of empathy. While I can see why it leaves us all open to derision, I don't think it's unreasonable that the overall tone of the responses should be understanding. That is the purpose of a forum designed specifically for those of us who are the AP's, isn't it?

 

I wouldn't say she sounds bitter. Realistic is more likley. For some reason I noticed you can't point out that affairs are wrong or you are automatically labelled a bitter former BS.

 

I don't get this. I have never been swindled by Madoff in a Ponzi scheme, that doesn't mean I don't know how wrong it was, and how many people it harmed.

 

You will meet other OW/OM here. However, it always astounds me when AP's seem to think they are entitled to all of this compassion and empathy and sympathy. For what? At the least you could take some responsibility for all the hurt you are causing innocent people.

 

I know that not all BS' are sweet and innocent little angels. Some of them are downright nasty and vile. However that does not mean an affair is okay especially when it ends up hurting children wether grown or young.

 

In other cases BS are just like their AP counterparts. They too just fell for a schmuck. You can come here and meet other men and women who have affairs and find someone to relate to but expecting all of this empathy for the disgusting act - I am not saying YOU are disgusting - but having an affair is a deeply hurtful and disgusting act in itself. - is a little much and pretty unrealistic.

 

Again, I have never been A BS myself nor am I a devout follower of any specific religion and I don't need to be to know it is just plain wrong.

Edited December 14, 2010 by hoping2heal

[pureinheart]

Is this the OM/OW forum? You know, the one that states that this is support/discusion for those who find themselves in a committed relationship.

Edited December 14, 2010 by pureinheart

[Woman In Blue]

Is this the OM/OW forum? You know, the one that states that this is support/discusion for those who find themselves in a committed relationship.

LOL...it's not for those in a "committed" relationship. The exact forum definition is, "Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner."

 

HUGE difference.

[OpenBook]

And come on..........you came here all happy uh? Most don't come here happy as evidenced by the majority of the posts and hell no I'm not reading anything into them, it's pretty clear and I don't think you were happy, you had doubt right? Maybe your institution was trying to tell you something?

 

Yes, the institution of marriage has told me an awful lot. More than I wanted to know. Married people treat each other like crap. No wonder they step outside of it.

[greengoddess]

I wouldn't say she sounds bitter. Realistic is more likley. For some reason I noticed you can't point out that affairs are wrong or you are automatically labelled a bitter former BS.

 

I don't get this. I have never been swindled by Madoff in a Ponzi scheme, that doesn't mean I don't know how wrong it was, and how many people it harmed.

 

You will meet other OW/OM here. However, it always astounds me when AP's seem to think they are entitled to all of this compassion and empathy and sympathy. For what? At the least you could take some responsibility for all the hurt you are causing innocent people.

 

I know that not all BS' are sweet and innocent little angels. Some of them are downright nasty and vile. However that does not mean an affair is okay especially when it ends up hurting children wether grown or young.

 

In other cases BS are just like their AP counterparts. They too just fell for a schmuck. You can come here and meet other men and women who have affairs and find someone to relate to but expecting all of this empathy for the disgusting act - I am not saying YOU are disgusting - but having an affair is a deeply hurtful and disgusting act in itself. - is a little much and pretty unrealistic.

 

Again, I have never been A BS myself nor am I a devout follower of any specific religion and I don't need to be to know it is just plain wrong.

 

Totally agree.

 

Pure in heart. Support means many different things.To me it does not mean cheerleading an affair. It does not mean to tell someone to happily wait years and eventually their marriage will self destruct and you will get your happy ever after.

 

To me support for someone involved in an affair is to help them break away from it. To live a full life, not one where the mm gets two lives and his wife and ow get a half.

 

People divorce every single day but for some reason all these married men who are totally head over heels in love with someone else just can't do it. Why is that? Maybe it is because they are full of crap. I want ow to wake up and see these guys for what they are. LIARS. They LIE DAILY. They lie so much it comes naturally.

[jthorne]

Is this the OM/OW forum? You know, the one that states that this is support/discusion for those who find themselves in a committed relationship.

From another recent thread:

thank you so much for suggesting how I should post, although I post the way I choose to, and will continue to do so.

Then please extend others the same courtesy, thanks.

[KarmasTestDummy]

So is the consensus here that this is not a support forum for people currently involved in a relationship with a mm/MW, but instead an intervention program to get them out of it no matter what? I have said my peace and asked for support under various circumstances but continue to have every post I make get thread jacked to tell me how nauseating of a woman I am for accepting my R. This post had a very specific intent, asking to hear from others in my current position who were satisfied. Yet 5 pages of tongue lashings later who would even respond to the original post? All I'm asking is for people to lay off me for a bit. Concern becomes secondary once it reaches the point of being forceful much like parental advice to a teenager. Call me hard headed

But I'm going to do this the live and learn way...and if it all blows up in my face I'll be the first one back giving u the gratification of hearing you were right all along.

[WTFBBQ]

So is the consensus here that this is not a support forum for people currently involved in a relationship with a mm/MW, but instead an intervention program to get them out of it no matter what? I have said my peace and asked for support under various circumstances but continue to have every post I make get thread jacked to tell me how nauseating of a woman I am for accepting my R. This post had a very specific intent, asking to hear from others in my current position who were satisfied. Yet 5 pages of tongue lashings later who would even respond to the original post? All I'm asking is for people to lay off me for a bit. Concern becomes secondary once it reaches the point of being forceful much like parental advice to a teenager. Call me hard headed

But I'm going to do this the live and learn way...and if it all blows up in my face I'll be the first one back giving u the gratification of hearing you were right all along.

Your on the wrong forum if you want someone to rah rah rah and cheerlead you on in cheating.

Let not your heart be troubled. there's another forum on the interwebs for OW who need that.

[woinlove]

So is the consensus here that this is not a support forum for people currently involved in a relationship with a mm/MW, but instead an intervention program to get them out of it no matter what? I have said my peace and asked for support under various circumstances but continue to have every post I make get thread jacked to tell me how nauseating of a woman I am for accepting my R. This post had a very specific intent, asking to hear from others in my current position who were satisfied. Yet 5 pages of tongue lashings later who would even respond to the original post? All I'm asking is for people to lay off me for a bit. Concern becomes secondary once it reaches the point of being forceful much like parental advice to a teenager. Call me hard headed

But I'm going to do this the live and learn way...and if it all blows up in my face I'll be the first one back giving u the gratification of hearing you were right all along.

 

KTD, I think you heard from the two who fit that criterion. If that's all you want, you already have it ... well, maybe you can check back to see if Lizzie or Frenchiefun posts. They both have said they love being an OW and wouldn't want it any other way. I suspect you actually want more, but perhaps I am wrong.

[AlektraClementine]

So is the consensus here that this is not a support forum for people currently involved in a relationship with a mm/MW, but instead an intervention program to get them out of it no matter what? I have said my peace and asked for support under various circumstances but continue to have every post I make get thread jacked to tell me how nauseating of a woman I am for accepting my R. This post had a very specific intent, asking to hear from others in my current position who were satisfied. Yet 5 pages of tongue lashings later who would even respond to the original post? All I'm asking is for people to lay off me for a bit. Concern becomes secondary once it reaches the point of being forceful much like parental advice to a teenager. Call me hard headed

But I'm going to do this the live and learn way...and if it all blows up in my face I'll be the first one back giving u the gratification of hearing you were right all along.

 

 

There's a lot of truth in this post, people. Although my my life choices differ greatly from those who chose to be OW/OM, This section of the forum and this thread in particular was (IMO) the WRONG place to cast judgment on KTD's personal choices.

[KarmasTestDummy]

KTD, I think you heard from the two who fit that criterion. If that's all you want, you already have it ... well, maybe you can check back to see if Lizzie or Frenchiefun posts. They both have said they love being an OW and wouldn't want it any other way. I suspect you actually want more, but perhaps I am wrong.

 

Despite what you think, I have been PM'd by others on this board who are involved and don't post out of fear of what will be said to them. There are countless spectators to this forum and I'd for one like to make people from all walks of life feel welcome to share their story and feel comfortable enough to know they will get advice WHEN THEY ASK.

[TigerCub]

So is the consensus here that this is not a support forum for people currently involved in a relationship with a mm/MW, but instead an intervention program to get them out of it no matter what? I have said my peace and asked for support under various circumstances but continue to have every post I make get thread jacked to tell me how nauseating of a woman I am for accepting my R. This post had a very specific intent, asking to hear from others in my current position who were satisfied. Yet 5 pages of tongue lashings later who would even respond to the original post? All I'm asking is for people to lay off me for a bit. Concern becomes secondary once it reaches the point of being forceful much like parental advice to a teenager. Call me hard headed

But I'm going to do this the live and learn way...and if it all blows up in my face I'll be the first one back giving u the gratification of hearing you were right all along.

 

KTD, only you know how you really feel and if you are truly satisfied with your decisions. If you are, I do wish you all the best and hope that things don't "blow up in your face"

 

I think the majority of the people who posted here, have been there (in an A situation) or have been betrayed by a spouse. and know of the pain these things caused them and those involved, and that's where the "advice" to leave comes from.

 

We're all different and we all accept different things. I've told you before that I wouldn't choose what you're choosing, but that doesn't mean that your choice is bad for you.

 

I do wish you the best and I hope that good or bad, you'll feel that you can come here and post about your experiences without the fear of the "I told you so"

[woinlove]

Despite what you think, I have been PM'd by others on this board who are involved and don't post out of fear of what will be said to them. There are countless spectators to this forum and I'd for one like to make people from all walks of life feel welcome to share their story and feel comfortable enough to know they will get advice WHEN THEY ASK.

 

Well, great then, you are getting what you want. And, if you don't want advice, just ignore it.

 

As to fear of what anonymous posters on a public forum post when they can't even identify who you are, I think anyone who lives a life where this is a real concern or fear for them is living a truly charmed life. Many of us deal with enough in our real lives, that a comment from some anonymous person on the internet is unlikely to provoke more than fairly moderate irritation. Of course, if comments are hitting an internal conflict we are struggling to ignore, that is another matter altogether.

[bentnotbroken]

Despite what you think, I have been PM'd by others on this board who are involved and don't post out of fear of what will be said to them. There are countless spectators to this forum and I'd for one like to make people from all walks of life feel welcome to share their story and feel comfortable enough to know they will get advice WHEN THEY ASK.

 

 

It's funny you would post this. This I understand because I get PM's too. From AP and WS looking for scripture and way out. They too are afraid to post because of how they are treated by current "happy" people involved in affairs. I feel privileged to that they pm and feel comfortable enough to want to know more. So I guess we all serve a "purpose" for others.

[Ms. Red]

Despite what you think, I have been PM'd by others on this board who are involved and don't post out of fear of what will be said to them. There are countless spectators to this forum and I'd for one like to make people from all walks of life feel welcome to share their story and feel comfortable enough to know they will get advice WHEN THEY ASK.

 

Thank you for being that strong. I was one who never posted my situation on here. I read before I joined and decided I wasn't strong enough to post and take on the bull$hit.

 

You know your situation more than anyone here on these boards. You know your relationship with your man more than anyone else on here that spits out their cookie cutter advice. ( I could sooo quote user names and those cookie cutter responses but don't have time to deal with their defensive posts!)

 

You know what you're involved in. You are walking into your relationship with eyes wide open. I support you in whatever you do even if I don't happen to agree with it. I only wish you the best.

[MorningCoffee]

So is the consensus here that this is not a support forum for people currently involved in a relationship with a mm/MW, but instead an intervention program to get them out of it no matter what? I have said my peace and asked for support under various circumstances but continue to have every post I make get thread jacked to tell me how nauseating of a woman I am for accepting my R. This post had a very specific intent, asking to hear from others in my current position who were satisfied. Yet 5 pages of tongue lashings later who would even respond to the original post? All I'm asking is for people to lay off me for a bit. Concern becomes secondary once it reaches the point of being forceful much like parental advice to a teenager. Call me hard headed

But I'm going to do this the live and learn way...and if it all blows up in my face I'll be the first one back giving u the gratification of hearing you were right all along.

 

KTD, this bolded phrases resonate with me. I had already been seeing my counselor for other issues when I shared with her that I was starting to get involved with ex-AP/MW, and where that was likely leading. She said (very wise woman) that she could either play the role of my protector or my witness. It would be my choice.

 

If I wanted her to be my protector, she would give me all the support I needed NOT to pursue the relationship with MW and all the reasons why it was a terrible idea that, based on all the affairs she had encountered in her years in practice, would likely end badly.

 

If I was going to go ahead and pursue the relationshiop anyway, then she would be my witness, with me at every step of the way, to help me navigate the perilous waters I would pass through in the face of the challenges and the secrecy and all the rest.

 

I chose her to be my witness, because I knew that I, like you, would go the live and learn route. Having encountered MW on my journey through life, I knew this was no ordinary fling, and I was not going to pass up the chance to experience it and see where it might lead.

 

Long story short, it was a good choice. Even though the end of the affair was heart-breaking, I will always have love in my heart for ex-AP/MW, and do not regret the experience. I am sure part of the reason for that was the aid of my counselor and her wisdom that helped me maintain a more clear-eyed view of what was going on.

 

I would not have wanted to continually argue and defend my decision to LS-ers during my affair. (I had a close friend who was telling me all along how MW would never leave and I would be heart-broken -- who needs a raft of others?) While it is useful to hear of so many other people's many experiences, at the same time, sometimes we just have to live and learn.

 

When MW was struggling with the leave-or-stay in her M issue, it was my counselor who was my support. LS, on the other hand, has been a good source of support when it became clear that MW was choosing not to leave her M, and LS-ers have been of enormous help in getting past the loss of MW from my life. So my take is you find different kinds of support, take what is useful, and leave the rest.

Edited December 14, 2010 by MorningCoffee

[KarmasTestDummy]

It's funny you would post this. This I understand because I get PM's too. From AP and WS looking for scripture and way out. They too are afraid to post because of how they are treated by current "happy" people involved in affairs. I feel privileged to that they pm and feel comfortable enough to want to know more. So I guess we all serve a "purpose" for others.

 

Thank you for playing that part. Everyone's needs are different and I'm happy to hear that there is a person out there that can satisfy each.

[KarmasTestDummy]

Thank you for being that strong. I was one who never posted my situation on here. I read before I joined and decided I wasn't strong enough to post and take on the bull$hit.

 

You know your situation more than anyone here on these boards. You know your relationship with your man more than anyone else on here that spits out their cookie cutter advice. ( I could sooo quote user names and those cookie cutter responses but don't have time to deal with their defensive posts!)

 

You know what you're involved in. You are walking into your relationship with eyes wide open. I support you in whatever you do even if I don't happen to agree with it. I only wish you the best.

 

That is very much appreciated. I am just as content being here to provide support and a point of view just as much as I am to seek my own refuge. I try not to provide cookie cutter advice. If I see a w in turmoil I may just as likely tell her that her mm sounds bad for her rather than say she should stay only because that is the choice I make.

[jennie-jennie]

So is the consensus here that this is not a support forum for people currently involved in a relationship with a mm/MW, but instead an intervention program to get them out of it no matter what? I have said my peace and asked for support under various circumstances but continue to have every post I make get thread jacked to tell me how nauseating of a woman I am for accepting my R. This post had a very specific intent, asking to hear from others in my current position who were satisfied. Yet 5 pages of tongue lashings later who would even respond to the original post? All I'm asking is for people to lay off me for a bit. Concern becomes secondary once it reaches the point of being forceful much like parental advice to a teenager. Call me hard headed

But I'm going to do this the live and learn way...and if it all blows up in my face I'll be the first one back giving u the gratification of hearing you were right all along.

 

An intervention program! I love it!

 

"Parental advice to a teenager" - exactly what I was thinking. We are adult women here who are responsible for our own choices and will take the consequences of them.

 

Karma, even if it does all blow up in your face, it might have been sooooo worth it! I've had five fantastic years with my MM. I might have to pay for it later, but nothing can take that away.

[jennie-jennie]

Your on the wrong forum if you want someone to rah rah rah and cheerlead you on in cheating.

Let not your heart be troubled. there's another forum on the interwebs for OW who need that.

 

You're on the wrong forum if you want to badmouth OW. There's another forum on the internet for that.

 

This is a support forum "for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner". There is no requirement that you need to want out.