A happy thread for the Happy Other Woman/Man

[Ellin]

I wouldn't say she sounds bitter. Realistic is more likley. For some reason I noticed you can't point out that affairs are wrong or you are automatically labelled a bitter former BS.

 

I don't get this. I have never been swindled by Madoff in a Ponzi scheme, that doesn't mean I don't know how wrong it was, and how many people it harmed.

 

You will meet other OW/OM here. However, it always astounds me when AP's seem to think they are entitled to all of this compassion and empathy and sympathy. For what? At the least you could take some responsibility for all the hurt you are causing innocent people.

 

I know that not all BS' are sweet and innocent little angels. Some of them are downright nasty and vile. However that does not mean an affair is okay especially when it ends up hurting children wether grown or young.

 

In other cases BS are just like their AP counterparts. They too just fell for a schmuck. You can come here and meet other men and women who have affairs and find someone to relate to but expecting all of this empathy for the disgusting act - I am not saying YOU are disgusting - but having an affair is a deeply hurtful and disgusting act in itself. - is a little much and pretty unrealistic.

 

Again, I have never been A BS myself nor am I a devout follower of any specific religion and I don't need to be to know it is just plain wrong.

 

To make it simple and avoid going into the very dangerous (over here) territory of trying to explain that life is not black and white, maybe the OW expect empathy etc because it's an OM/OW forum and there is a sticky thread where it is clearly explaines that it is not a place for judgement?

[Ellin]

I wonder if the Moderator agrees, since he has not shut the thread down for being off-topic (yet).

 

The last resort argument.

[jthorne]

The last resort argument.

Instead of spending your time berating others, do you have anything helpful to offer to the OP of this thread?

[Ellin]

Amazing.........that old abuse card gets pulled out again.

 

Anyway.....KTD.....I wish you peace of mind because to me having the peace of mind that I have now is a very good place to be.

 

It's not a card. It's a reasonable point. Implying that you know better what someone else feels and should do than the person concerned is patronising, thus rude (not YOU BB07, in this case).

[hoping2heal]

Totally agree.

 

Pure in heart. Support means many different things.To me it does not mean cheerleading an affair. It does not mean to tell someone to happily wait years and eventually their marriage will self destruct and you will get your happy ever after.

 

To me support for someone involved in an affair is to help them break away from it. To live a full life, not one where the mm gets two lives and his wife and ow get a half.

 

People divorce every single day but for some reason all these married men who are totally head over heels in love with someone else just can't do it. Why is that? Maybe it is because they are full of crap. I want ow to wake up and see these guys for what they are. LIARS. They LIE DAILY. They lie so much it comes naturally.

 

I agree that support does not have to mean encouraging someone to stay in that situation. Someone is always deeply wounded in an affair, usually it is the AP themselves who takes the brunt of the force although there are always exceptions. Children, spouses, friends, family etc.

 

I mean, it amazes me the amount of people who think it's a good idea to support and encourage someone like this, I suppose all the women who are in abusive relationships we should encourage them too ? "Well an affair is not abusive" No? I'm sorry has no one ELSE been reading the anguish and pain these women go through constantly? It's awful and terrible.

 

Obviously, each person will do as they see fit based on their situation but most of them sit around grasping for straws. I had a friend who was in an affair to no fault of her own. I could not BELIEVE the amount of excuses she made for his bull**** behavior. He lied about still being married and that was rationalized away with "well, he didn't want to tell me because he'd lose me." Uh YEAH. Then she was constantly given small little slices of heaven. When they were together it was ecstacy and often involved her driving 8-10 hours just for an hour of his time. Then she finally moved and he still gave her tiny little crumpets and didn't treat her right. I heard excuse after excuse meanwhile she just got more and more unhealthy. Every waking minute was spent obsessing about what he was doing, what this action meant or that - what it was like at home for him - yada yada yada. I mean I used to think of her as an assertive and self confident woman..um that was done and over with during the affair. I just heard excuse after excuse after excuse while she was getting more and more unhealthy it was an awful situation.

 

She had other friends though who would feed into her and encourage her and I can understand why- she refused to listen to anything but people telling her what she wanted to hear, literally. It just destroyed her.

 

Contrary to what people may think I don't think all AP's are evil and terrible people. I know that people who mean well can end up making bad decisions and end up places they had never imagined. Yes, some of them are self centered and couldn't care less about anyone and anything but themselves, but not everyone is like that, and I think that a bigger majority are the ones who are not really that way outside of their affair.

[Distant78]

To make it simple and avoid going into the very dangerous (over here) territory of trying to explain that life is not black and white, maybe the OW expect empathy etc because it's an OM/OW forum and there is a sticky thread where it is clearly explaines that it is not a place for judgement?

 

If you guys are sooooo lovey-dovey comfortable with being an OM/OW, then why worry about someone else's judgement?

[IzzyB]

Yes, the institution of marriage has told me an awful lot. More than I wanted to know. Married people treat each other like crap. No wonder they step outside of it.

 

Just a side note: I freaking love your signature quote!

[IzzyB]

There's a lot of truth in this post, people. Although my my life choices differ greatly from those who chose to be OW/OM, This section of the forum and this thread in particular was (IMO) the WRONG place to cast judgment on KTD's personal choices.

 

I cant agree more with this!

[IzzyB]

Karma, you are actually very brave to keep posting your feelings and experiences, both good and bad. It helps many of us out to read your experiences. I havent been on LS long but I will be posting my situation soon. Either way, I think you are right, you need to learn things your own way. And I can tell you so clearly from my own experience, that you just cant end something when you're not ready. It took me many tries to end my R with exMM and it was awful, UNTIL I was ready. Now its not a bed of roses, but its also not as tough as I thought. I do believe with all of my heart that everyone in our lives is there for a reason and that we fall in love because we have something important to learn from that relationship: whether its for two weeks, a year, or a life long partnership.

Just know that we are here for you either way. I for one refuse to judge you, Im just not that powerful and almighty. In the meantime, be sure that if things change for the worse and he treats you bad, I will give you a good (loving) kick in the butt, when you need (and ask) for one.

 

Big hugs

[NoIDidn't]

I guess there aren't really any happy OW/OM in this forum. No one posted other than the OP.

[fooled once]

Yes, the institution of marriage has told me an awful lot. More than I wanted to know. Married people treat each other like crap. No wonder they step outside of it.

 

Wow.

 

Your post is actually inaccurate. NOT ALL married people treat each other like crap. And once again, if these marriages are such crap, why not divorce? Since they treat each other like crap, WHY STAY AND BE TREATED LIKE CRAP????? Doesn't that just make you go "Hmmm"?? I mean, if these people are so horribly treated, why not divorce and be with that person that makes your heart beat? Nope, they stay married to the old ball and chain.

 

Guess marriage isn't all that bad after all, is it?

 

KTD, isn't is pretty great how many people seem to care about YOU and how YOU are doing? You know the road you are on. You have choices. Just remember that this is the road you are choosing. I do wish you the best and hope you get what you deserve! GOOD LUCK!

[KarmasTestDummy]

Karma, you are actually very brave to keep posting your feelings and experiences, both good and bad. It helps many of us out to read your experiences. I havent been on LS long but I will be posting my situation soon. Either way, I think you are right, you need to learn things your own way. And I can tell you so clearly from my own experience, that you just cant end something when you're not ready. It took me many tries to end my R with exMM and it was awful, UNTIL I was ready. Now its not a bed of roses, but its also not as tough as I thought. I do believe with all of my heart that everyone in our lives is there for a reason and that we fall in love because we have something important to learn from that relationship: whether its for two weeks, a year, or a life long partnership.

Just know that we are here for you either way. I for one refuse to judge you, Im just not that powerful and almighty. In the meantime, be sure that if things change for the worse and he treats you bad, I will give you a good (loving) kick in the butt, when you need (and ask) for one.

 

Big hugs

 

Thank you Izzy. What more could ask for? And I'm honored to hear my story helps others out. I appreciate you coming out of the sidelines to add your two cents and support. Look forward to hearing your story. Seems like you've been there already, so perhaps it will be me learning from you. Yes, I tried many times to walk away (contrary to one poster insinuating I was the repeated dumpee), but like you said, until you are ready it really does no good. It merely leaves you in a place of longing and pain....and clearly susceptible to repeat behavior.

[KarmasTestDummy]

Wow.

 

Your post is actually inaccurate. NOT ALL married people treat each other like crap. And once again, if these marriages are such crap, why not divorce? Since they treat each other like crap, WHY STAY AND BE TREATED LIKE CRAP????? Doesn't that just make you go "Hmmm"?? I mean, if these people are so horribly treated, why not divorce and be with that person that makes your heart beat? Nope, they stay married to the old ball and chain.

 

Guess marriage isn't all that bad after all, is it?

 

KTD, isn't is pretty great how many people seem to care about YOU and how YOU are doing? You know the road you are on. You have choices. Just remember that this is the road you are choosing. I do wish you the best and hope you get what you deserve! GOOD LUCK!

 

I don't know what exactly it is I deserve, but I sure do hope it all works out for the best. Ultimately the cards will lay exactly as they were meant to, for all parties involved. I am a strong believer that what is meant to be will be and it's pointless to try and manipulate people or situations. All I can do is put my best foot forward, be someone I'm not ashamed of being and see where my choices and actions take me.

[SidLyon]

But you see, she didn't start this thread to get advice, she started it to hear about other OW's good experiences.

 

So your point is not applicable to the circumstances.

 

I haven't quite finished reading this thread yet but so far (from memory) we have had one unapologetic (but moderately) happy OW posting and one current wife but formerly happy OW.

 

The rest, including this one above (and now mine) are all off-topic. Some support the OP and others not, but they all have in common that they are off-topic IMO.

[pureinheart]

Totally agree.

 

Pure in heart. Support means many different things.To me it does not mean cheerleading an affair. It does not mean to tell someone to happily wait years and eventually their marriage will self destruct and you will get your happy ever after.

 

To me support for someone involved in an affair is to help them break away from it. To live a full life, not one where the mm gets two lives and his wife and ow get a half.

 

People divorce every single day but for some reason all these married men who are totally head over heels in love with someone else just can't do it. Why is that? Maybe it is because they are full of crap. I want ow to wake up and see these guys for what they are. LIARS. They LIE DAILY. They lie so much it comes naturally.

 

GG, where is the cheerleading...I hear this quite often.

 

I totally understand where you are coming from, and the other posters opinions concerning A's.

 

I know in my heart you really care and don't have a "hate" agenda, based on the recent posts I've read.

 

Because I've been in an A, I understand there are unusual circumstances and some MM do actually make things right with all parties if it is possible. Some don't. Certainly it is not the way it should be and I would say at least 80% feel this way also, they would rather have their MM make things right.

 

I understand how hard it is to break away.

 

People won't always do what we think they should do or would like them to do...I understand how hard it is for you and others to "support" any OW in and A and happy in it, but I have found you (general you) can support anyone at anytime with something...there is always something good you can find even though you don't like what they are doing.

 

I don't think that is cheerleading, it's simply saying, "hey, I like you for you, no matter what you do or don't do."

 

I don't choose to be in an A, and I don't choose to eat broccoli either.

[OWoman]

Support means many different things.

 

...and is understood by different people to mean very different things. Which is why the mods felt it necessary to post additional guidelines for this forum:

 

I've noticed that frequently in some discussions members respond to a post in order to voice their own emotions about a similar issue that they are involved in, or to validate their own feelings and choices, or even in some cases to simply berate, mock, or derogate the poster.

 

This particular forum is focused on discussing the problems and experiences of those who are in relationships with people who already have commitments to other partners. It is certainly appropriate for people whose partners have been unfaithful to them to offer their insight to posters here; however, it is only appropriate if it's done in a respectful and helpful manner.

 

"Respectful and helpful" does not mean that you must condone or encourage a poster. It does not mean that you must agree with the poster. We cannot list every conceivable sentence, phrase, or word that a person could post, and declare whether or not it is acceptable. Our rules prohibit personal attacks (see our guidelines for a definition: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/guidelines), but you must also adhere to the larger philosophy of the site, which is to provide support and assistance. If your response is not posted in that spirit, chances are it will be deemed inappropriate.

 

Thanks for your cooperation. For those who want some more clarification about our overall philosophy regarding supportive posts, try this link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t45340/?highlight=posting

 

As you point out, many angry betrayed spouses vent their anger at those posting from the perspective of OM/OW -- and that's unacceptable. Likewise, there are OM/OW who seek to bait betrayed spouses, venting their own resentment and making themselves feel better about their position at the expense of the betrayed spouses they're attacking.

 

Both groups are not dealing with the individuals who are posting, nor are they responding to the particular situations under discussion. They are addressing OM/OW or Betrayed Spouses as generalized categories, and according to their own need for vindication and/or validation, rather than responding to the particular OM/OW or Betrayed Spouse in a supportive way.

 

One thing I have observed again and again is that posters might start out with helpful intentions, but when their advice is not taken the way they feel it should be, they turn a corner and start to relentlessly badger.

 

Imagine a person who posted a problem like this: "I need to get from New York to London this summer, and I'm terrified of flying, so air travel isn't an option for me. But unless I book passage on a very very slow boat, any shipfare is far beyond my means. Does anyone have any suggestions for me? Please, don't suggest flying, I cannot board an airplane."

 

A person could conceivably respond with info about how to overcome a fear of flying, perhaps relating personal experience, etc. But ask yourself: if the original poster dismisses that suggestion, what good would it do to keep on bringing it up? The original poster isn't going to consider flying, no matter how many times it is raised in responding posts.

 

There is a difference between posting to engage with a person by sharing a different perspective (one they might not have considered, or don't like), and posting to preach. The latter seems to be more about serving the respondent's need to be right or have the last word. Offering hard advice to someone is completely appropriate, provided it is done respectfully. If you're not listening to what they have to say in response to your advice, you're not really respecting their intelligence or experience. And you might not respect their intelligence or experience. Perhaps with good reason. But if that's the case, you shouldn't be posting responses to them.

 

 

 

[OWoman]

GG, where is the cheerleading...I hear this quite often.

 

It seems that some posters consider any response short of calling the OW a tramp and insisting on instant NC and sack cloth and ashes, to be "cheerleading".

 

There is also convenient erasure of context - if, say, an OW posts about a wonderful weekend she had with her MM, and another OW posts something congratulatory, or even acknowledging, then that particular post gets quoted everywhere as "cheerleading", even if that same OW has posted trazillions of other posts to other OWs in unhappy As to get out - those are conveniently ignored in favour of any evidence of support for continuing any A in any context.

 

It's called "pushing an agenda".

[pureinheart]

To make it simple and avoid going into the very dangerous (over here) territory of trying to explain that life is not black and white, maybe the OW expect empathy etc because it's an OM/OW forum and there is a sticky thread where it is clearly explaines that it is not a place for judgement?

 

I'm not sure what part of that sticky is not understood...BTW, I really enjoy reading your posts...you've got a lot of spunk and tenacity...love it:)

 

KTD,

 

I am happy today and got a lot accomplished. ExDM has been hard to let go of, as he used to help me with anything I needed...I wasn't sure that my daughter and me could handle doing a major project like the one we are facing, although we are doing it and a bunch of people came over to help us

[pureinheart]

...and is understood by different people to mean very different things. Which is why the mods felt it necessary to post additional guidelines for this forum:

 

To me, it is at the very least basic common sense. I think it is sad that "guidelines" need to be posted/communicated to begin with. IMO it should be a given.

 

It reminds me of those "warning" lables that you just kind of think, 'for real'..."Do not place your hand or any other body part in garbage disposal while in operation".

Edited December 15, 2010 by pureinheart

[jennie-jennie]

To me, it is at the very least basic common sense. I think it is sad that "guidelines" need to be posted/communicated to begin with. IMO it should be a given.

 

It reminds me of those "warning" lables that you just kind of think, 'for real'..."Do not place your hand or any other body part in garbage disposal while in operation".

 

:lmao: :lmao:

[frenchiefun]

I'm a happy OW!! and I don't give a sh*t about others' opinions or judgements.

 

 

It works for me and that's all I care about.

[woinlove]

I'm a happy OW!! and I don't give a sh*t about others' opinions or judgements.

 

 

It works for me and that's all I care about.

 

Hey! I was wondering if you were going to check in, because this thread topic seems meant for you.

 

I don't choose that lifestyle anymore, and I don't support it (as if you care ) but, having BTDT, I know your attitude is the one that makes for a happy OW.

[seren]

Is this any different to the slating Spark got when she posted a thread where she was happy after reconciliation. I seem to remember a whole load of slating her for posting this.

 

I personally, have no problem with OW/OM posting Happy Threads on the OW/OM forum, neither do I have a problem with BS or WS shouting their reconciled marriages from the rooftops. If we don't like what is posted, then we should just move along.

[donnamaybe]

Implying that you know better what someone else feels and should do than the person concerned is patronising, thus rude (not YOU BB07, in this case).

And if KTD feels so, she is free to tell me. But I think she knows I DO have her best interest at heart, thus, she doesn't jump down my throat over it.

[donnamaybe]

Is this any different to the slating Spark got when she posted a thread where she was happy after reconciliation. I seem to remember a whole load of slating her for posting this.

Oh, yeah. She was getting BOATLOADS of you-know-what rained down upon her by *ahem* certain people for merely stating how happy she was post reconcilliation.