I cheated - how to get over guilt and help him cope

[iamhorrible]

I cheated on my boyfriend a year and a half ago and recently told him. I told him because I finally realized how much I want to spend my life with him and didn't want to start this revelation with dishonesty. I had so many doubts about our relationship and felt like he neglected me, but I now know he truly loved me. I feel so horrible and can't stop crying and thinking about the past and if only I could change it...I replay it over and over in my head and can't get over the guilt and wondering what was I thinking? I also can't stop replaying all the times we had together before I tainted the relationship.

 

The communication with the other guy is over-I resent him a little for taking advantage of a situation when I had way too much to drink, as he knew I didn't want any sort of physical relationship. I feel a little violated and am having to get over this personally. In the end, however, I got myself into a dangerous situation, so I take full responsibility....How can I make this up to my boyfriend and stop crying and hating myself. This is something he never expected of me and is so shocked....it is so not me to do this to him or hurt anyone in this way. He says he believes I would never do this to him or anyone else because he sees all the pain it is causing me, but is not sure if he wants to be with me. What can I do to tell him cope with this, forgive me, and forgive myself?

[gaia]

I'm not sure what you mean by the other guy taking advantage of you while you were drunk. Was it a case of reduced inhibitions on your part or was it more like rape? Fair enough, you got yourself into a dangerous position, but if it really was against your will, I think your BF would see it in a different light.

 

You need to give him time to come to terms with this. Talk about it with him if he wants to, accept his hurt and anger and make it clear that you really want to be with him. If he's saying he's unsure about the future of your relationship, at least it's good that he hasn't decided to leave straightaway.

 

If you can't resolve this by yourselves, see a couples counsellor.

 

Good luck.

[Melodic]

I have been on the receiving end of this kind of revelation. My boyfriend had cheated on me in the past and wanted to tell me once we realized that this was a relationship for the long term.

 

On that note, I want to say things will NEVER be the same. If he loves you, he will forgive you, however, maybe not to the same extent that he previously did. Or I should say to explain it better, that eventually he will trust you the same amount but it will be different. Like I trust and love my boyfriend the same as I did before but I will never be blind to the signs like I was before.

 

Now not to make excuses for my boyfriend (nor btw does he ever make excuses about what he did, he admits that he was wrong and he is truly sorry which is the only way to handle something like this) but we were at a completely different in our relationship. We had just become exclusive and our feelings hadn't completely blossomed yet. I felt more that he had betrayed my trust, rather than my love, if that makes sense at all. I don't know if this a similar thing with you, but it sounds like it.

 

As for the guilt that you feel I'm not sure that there is a way to truly assuage it. You hurt the person that you love most and loves you the most in the whole world. Living with that guilt might be a burden you have to deal with and use it to remind yourself of the hurt that you caused so that you are never tempted to do it again. The best thing to do is for a while, devote yourself to his happiness. You wronged him and he needs to see you're sorry and that you'll never put yourself in a situation to be taken advantage of again. With that comes the piece of advice, because you feel violated please, please, please call a rape crisis center in your area. Even if you don't report it, you need to talk about it. In the end though it is your man's decision to decide whether or not to stay with you. Whatever he decides, show him that you love him and will always, and accept that decision with grace.

 

Good luck. Everything will turn out for the best. Please talk to someone about your feelings of violation from this incident as they will never go away unless you talk about them.

 

[iamhorrible]

Thanks for your help....I am hoping that things will work out. I also have an appointment to see a therapist, so I am hoping this will help me cope with all of my feelings. My boyfriend has also showed interest in seeing a therapist together. And I will definitely devote myself to his happiness...thanks again for the advice.

[gaia]

Good for you

 

PS: If you do come back to the site in future, change your user name. You made one mistake - doesn't make you horrible. Maybe, "I am human".....

[sportsloving]

I can understand what happened to you... and from one who has been there, done that ... it takes a long time to heal. For both of you.

 

Cheating does so much damage and causes both parties so many emotions, it is extremely difficult to walk through them all. Going to therapy will help you both, even if it is just you who goes... you learn a lot about yourself, the reasoning, the "why" and most of all... you can protect yourself from putting yourself in a situation for it to happen again.

 

One thing I can tell you is this: when he needs to talk about it, and he will, don't get offended because he is bringing it up... listen to what he says and tell him the answers from your heart. Be honest, be willing to communicate, and never give him a reason to doubt in you again.

 

Best of luck to you both.

[iamhorrible(human)]

thanks to you all....although my boyfriend is still not sure what the future holds, we have both been talking about mistakes we have made and how we need to change a couple of things(taking each other for granted, being disrespectful, etc.), so i'm hoping we're on the right track...and therapy is good, too. we haven't gone together yet, but it has been good for me!

thanks again for your replies!

[Thinkalot]

Good luck to you and wishing you both the best in working this out, IamHUMAN!

[sportsloving]

Best wishes for you, IamHuman (as are the rest of us).

[gaia]

Adding my best wishes to the list. Glad to see "human" got in there. Now you've just got to lose "horrible"