My wife has re-connected with her ex.....and very strong feelings still exist

[Sam78]

My wife, of less than a year, very frequently corresponds with an ex of hers via e-mail. They suffered a very bitter break-up years back, and only re-connected accidentally by e-mail several months before our wedding. He is now married himself -- happily, by his account. As far as my wife is concerned, the contents of this paragraph are as much as I know; that they are friends who occasionally toss e-mails back and forth. But it is much more than that, in actuality.

 

The reason I know exactly what I know is that I check her e-mail regularly, without her knowledge. I feel so guilty just typing that sentence. I feel as if I am betraying her trust. However, I remind myself that what I have found in my "investigating," seems to justify my snooping.

 

In many soul-baring e-mails to each other, my wife and her ex have managed to heal old wounds. If this healing were the sole consequence of their correspondence, I certainly would not begrudge her that. After all, every person that exists within a relationship has a past that is a essential part of who they are. But their e-mails began to venture well beyond the mending-fences stage. They began to open up to each other even further about very strong, romantic feelings that still existed for each other, and in effect, had never died. They have confessed that since their re-connection, they think about each other every day. They have quite often discussed the fact that they consider themselves to be the other's soulmate. They have each acknowledged this "strange and special" connection that binds them together. My wife feels it very strongly toward him, in fact. She has even gone so far as to flatly state to him that she truly believes that somehow, someway, they will be together again in this life.

 

Both my wife and my ex have stated to each other that they respect their respective wedding vows and do not intend to cheat. They have restricted their contact to strictly e-mail -- no phone, no meeting in person. Despite all this, over time, the e-mails have taken on a more intimate tone. As time has worn on, each now signs off their letter by saying, "Love, XXXX." My wife even called him "honey" once in a recent e-mail. The ex writes to my wife from his job, and my wife writes to him from our home (while I am at work). The ex's current wife does not know that he regularly connects with my wife, and he has no plans to tell her. For her part, my wife has told him that she will never tell me the details of their letters for fear of how I would react. She has mentioned more than once that these are her inner thoughts and that there are some places that even I am not allowed to go. It just seems ironic that I can't go there, but her ex certainly can.

 

I would guess that this is what they call emotional infidelity. While they are not connecting on a physical level, out of respect for their spouses, it is abundantly clear from several months worth of long, heartfelt e-mails that they wish they were together. They likely haven't even admitted that to themselves, maybe for the reason that what once was cannot be again. My wife has never typed those words, nor has the ex, but one can easily read between the lines. They are confused about reconciling what they feel for each other with their marriage vows.

 

Me? Well, I guess that's what this post is all about. I know things that by rights, I should not know. But I DO know them, and I'm glad that I do. I have a right to know. Yet I live every day with that awful knowledge that my wife' heart does not belong to me. I live knowing that when a romantic song plays or a tender moment happens in a movie we're watching, it might not be me that she's thinking about. I live knowing while I exist as her husband, many of her true feelings of love are directed at her ex. I know for a fact that I cannot live a lie for the next 50 years of our marriage, knowing that I am second-best. I just wonder if my wife thinks that she CAN.

 

I'm torn -- really and truly. This is eating me up. I don't know what to do. Do I confront her? Do I stay quiet and just keep reading? I can't win either way. It's not as if her feelings for her ex will subside or vanish, no matter what I do. As Woody Allen once said, "The heart wants what the heart wants."

 

And I'm faced with the prospect of either a heart-wrenching confrontation leading perhaps to a split......or a long life of marriage to a woman that I know doesn't love me as much as she loves another.

[Fritz]

Ouch. I feel for you, you might try checking out http://www.marriagebuilders.com.

[GeorgiaSongbird]

Sam ...

 

I can understand this. Some therapist call this an Emotional Affair. Google that term or Dr Shirley Glass and you will come up w/some good sites. Sorry I can't provide the links. I have a new PC and lost all my favorites. I went thru the same thing w/my H and one of his old high school crushes. We all knew each other. H had a small crush on me and I would not go out w/him. After that we remained friendly but a little tense w/each other... and he met another girl. I fell out out of touch with him after graduation and we ran into each other some years later, we started going out.. and eventually we married. I heard about this girl and his feelings for her when we discussed past relationships here and there. They had not been in touch for several years.

 

When he told me he had heard from her in email about their high school reunion (they were in the same class), I didn't think anything of it at first.. Well, it was all down hill from there.. much like your situation, I found emails and things that showed me their contact, however it started out, was not innocent anymore. I did not really handle things correctly and I let it drag on way longer than it should have, hurting me and our relationship. We got it together and mended our relationship.. but it was a painful process.. more so because of my mishandling (letting it drag out).

 

She is not focused on your marriage. For YOUR sake and the sake of the marriage, she can not have this emotional outlet. It has gone too on too long and too far. You make a good point that the ex is allowed into parts of her emotions that you are not (?? How any adult with any sense can think this is good for the marriage I have no idea but I won't get on the soapbox now).

 

Maybe by rights you should not know. But you do. And my theory is, she has does not any right to privacy in this matter. It would be different if she were expressing some of her feelings in a diary or journal.. but she is doing this with another person who she admits she has feelings for... If she would not say it to him with you STANDING there, then that is a clue to her she shouldn't be saying it. PERIOD.

 

I think you should print out the emails first, and store them in safe place and you need to confront her. She needs to end all contact w/this ex and both of you need to be in therapy, probably individual as well as couple.

 

Good luck and check back in for support if you need it.

[bryanp]

Hello,

 

This situation is totally unacceptable and it will get worse. She is humiliating and disrespecting you and your marriage. I suggest that you print out the messages and send them only to his wife and then confront your wife with these messages. Your wife is making a mockery of your marriage. How do you think your wife would be reacting if the roles were reversed? By accepting this situation and saying nothing you are in fact condoning and enabling this relationship. Stand up for yourself and confront this situation. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Why do you feel you deserve so little respect in your marriage? I wish you luck.

[Karlise]

Yes, what you have is a spouse who is emotionally unfaithful.

 

I think you need to confront her on it.

 

Tell her you did something wrong.

Tell her you are ashamed for violating her privacy, but you had a nagging sense that something was amiss and it drove you to it.

 

Admit your wrongdoing and then say, "I admit that I was wrong to violate your privacy. That said, I would like to know what exactly is going on with you and this guy?"

 

Tell her you married her for better or worse and you are ready to accept whatever it is she tells you.

 

Expect her to be angry, defiant, embarressed.

 

Tell her you are willing to do whatever it takes to save your marriage.

Remind her you love her and married her expecting to be loved fully in return.

 

I think this will be a very scary experience for you.

But I also think it will be a breath of fresh air, that it may breathe new life into your relationship.

 

She may be maintaining connection with this guy as an avoidance measure; perhaps intimacy is difficult for her. The fantasy may be a form of escapism.

 

There is a REASON they are not together now. Obviously something very bad happened to make them split up. Or they would still be together.

 

Remind her of that.

Please keep us posted

[amerikajin]

F_ck that. She's been lying to you, so why not make up a little white lie of your own, like "Um, I accidentally opened your email" (that excuse won't work if it's password protected, though).

 

You know what you could do...you could simply talk to her about this guy yourself and see how she reacts. Just keep nagging her about it, tell her "Something doesn't feel quite right. Are you corresponding with him? Are you SURE it's just mending fences? If I read your emails, would I find anything objectionable?" You don't have to confess, just ask questions. In time, you'll smoke her out.

[fredrolin]

My situation is alittle different but I can relate.

 

My wife and her first husband were very much in love. after 6 years of marriage he died.

 

It's been 15 years since his death but my wife still thinks about him, talks about him and during arguments will compare me to him, saying that he was a better husband than I am.

 

also after 10 years of being married to me she still uses her first husband's last name; she refuses to change it and has many excuses why.

 

During sex I am sure she closes her eyes and thinks of her first husband.

 

so I know how you feel, as if your not "good enough" for her.

[jmargel]

Sam.. She's been lying to you and what she is doing is worse than just sleeping with some stranger. The trust you have with her is gone. Unless you two do something about it soon, she'll be writing you a Dear John letter. You need couple's counciling. Marriage is a very serious vow and she's not taking it that way. You need to give her the ultimatium. Right now you are her safety net. She'll go back to you if things don't work out with him. And if this happens, it won't be the last. Just say you came across her email, but then tell her that she's been acting different lately and you now know why. Better yet, don't even say that. First ask her if she has something to tell you. You'll find out how truly honest she is.

 

Fred, that would be hard to handle. She'll always have a love for this guy. This is something you can't expect her to 'get' over. You need to talk to her about feeling 'second' to someone who isn't living anymore. The last name thing would bother me as well. When she dies, where is she going to be buried? Next to him? And comparing you to him is just plain wrong. Next time she does this, reminence about an ex of yours. Maybe only then she'll realize how you feel. But it sounds like you need couple's counciling as well.

[amerikajin]

Fred,

 

I saw your message the other day and meant to reply to it.

 

Your case is unique. If her first husband hadn't died, you wouldn't be with her. I think that on the one hand you have to accept that this guy was her first true love and that he will always have a special place in her heart.

 

That does not mean, however, that she has the right to use his name and legacy to degrade what exists between you and her. You are her husband, and you have the right to be treated with the same respect as she gave to your predecessor. She has to accept the fact that you're different and that these differences do not make you a worse husband.

 

She can - and must - address whatever issues you have without bringing her late first husband into the discussion. Otherwise, I'm left to conclude that she's doing a very ignoble thing and using him as a way to manipulate you whenever disputes arise between you two.

 

I think you should, with the requisite sensitivity and prudence, address this with her and tell her that while she should always feel free to remember and honor her late husband, her relationships in the past have no place in any discussion related to the most important relationship that you two share in the present.

[soontobesolo]

The first thing you need to do is confront her and have a long talk about what's been going on. You'll most likely be faced with an immediate reaction of anger and defiance from her, after all she's been "caught" doing something and will feel like she's being attacked. Don't let these feelings deter you from the real issues! If you need to, take time to walk away and come back to it, but don't let it take too long. The more you let this fester in you, the harder it will be to make any repairs to your relationship.

 

Let me tell you that I was in this same situation. I was married and my ex-boyfriend from HS came back into my life. We too carried on an "emotional infidelity" for 3 years via e-mail even though we were both married to other people. I subsequently split from my husband and am now in a very committed, very satisying and healthy relationship.

 

My ex boyfriend and I finally came to the realization that all we really had in common in the present was the "memories" of our former relationship. I firmly believe it was more the excitement of finding that somebody from my youth still found me attractive (emotionally) that kept me corresponding with him. Today I understand that I robbed the emotional closeness right out of my marriage by putting it somewhere else.

 

There is an author (can't think of her name, sorry) who writes about reunited couples. One thing that is important for you to understand (and especially your wife), is that couples who dated when they were young and reunite years later tend to see that other person just as they were years before. Until your wife and her ex understand that they are NOT the same people they were years ago, they will continue to have these "fantasy" feelings toward each other. They might not even like each other as the adults they are now if they found themselves back together, ceratinly they shouldn't assume that their feelings are the same as they were years ago. Your wife fell in love with you, married you, and has a new life with you. She is dead wrong to assume that her ex can provide her with a "happily ever after" life.

 

The only thing you can do is address the problem head-on. You should not apologize for reading her e-mail, she is the one who has broken your trust. Again, don't let yourself get sidetracked by that.

 

I can't tell you how this will all resolve itself, I only wish that you can help your wife see that she is probably making a mistake. Remind her that what you have together is the "known" relationship, even if you have other issues to work out this is where she resides right now - with you! The "e-mail relationship" is just that, a "what could be", "what should have been" relationship with no real substance to it other than fantasy.

 

Good luck, I'll watch for further postings from you

[sqpid]

At first I thought you were talking about me, I about messed myself. But my "friend" isn't an ex. Well, of course, your wife may have been lying about who he is . . .also, my wife knows about it and has even read some of the emails. She finds them boring, and she doesn't really care about it. It keeps me off her back, I guess.

 

I've had this "Secret" relationship via email with a woman I met a number of years ago --- we've been emailing back and forth for almost 10 years and we've never met, we've never spoken on the phone, and yes, there have been plenty of times when we have both released some steam in more ways than one. Your description of what is going on is a dead ringer for what me and my "friend" have going.

 

For us, it is completely harmless. We both simply offer something to each other that our spouses are unable to provide --- an objective, yet emotionally considered point of view on All Things In Life. Sometimes, granted, we get a bit too interested in each other, and one of us or both of us cool it, once we didn't write for almost two years. There are some loosely followed rules. In general, we take turns, send and receive, send and receive, etc...we never meet, we never call, and we say whatever we want. It is like having a conscience, or a spirit guide, in a way.

 

As for the secrecy, it's always been my standpoint that, if the "cheater" really didn't care about the partner, he or she wouldn't take any great pains to conceal. FOr example, in the final throes of my divorce, 15 years ago---I am very happily married now---my wife cheated with my best friend and I regularly sought out a different woman every week.

 

This little thing that your wife is having --- be a better man, just ignore it. It's probably harmless and if you follow even half of the advice given in this thread you will regret it. And, in the end, if she chooses to be with him, you need to exit the relationship with the knowledge that you did everything you were supposed to do. You provided, you nurtured, you listened, you were physically and emotionally available (notice I said AVAILABLE-- not INVASIVE), that you were a good father, etc. If you do all those things, and she leaves anyway---well, then she's a nut and how can you blame yourself for that? THe degree to which a man is emotionally devastated at the end of a relationship is directly proportional to the degree to which he sold out on the things that mattered. Confronting your wife and trying to get all in her business---that is selling out. Why? Because you'd be doing battle on her terms and no self respecting human being should ever fight a battle with an opponent on his oppponent's terms. You will LOSE; guaranteed. By simply being the better man, and you have the advantage because you are already there every day, you may win her heart. And if you don't, at the end you will at least have your self respect---something that is highly underated in the relationship game.

 

Hey, here's a thought---why don't you send her an email? I regularly send emails to my wife --- if I got even a glimmering of a response back from her, I probably wouldn't be doing this email tryst thing at all. For example, I could send the exact same email to both women, and with one of them it would turn into an amzing run o very interesting and exciting things to read. From the other it would be either rignored or responded to with brevity.

 

Also, bear in mind that there are things I talk about with my Friend that I wouldn't be writing or saying if we were actually in a real relationship. It's a lot easier to take advice from a stranger 200 miles away. Think of it like paper trading---a lot of people do really well when they "play" at trading in the stock market. But as soon as real money is involved, it's an ENTIRELY different ball game.

 

q

[julieg]

the web site for reunited lovers: search google nancy kalish she is the forum moderator. part of the forum is free to read. it is very interesting . julie

[Love2share]

I'd say, don't ever tell your wife that you have access to the emails. Actually, you have an advantage since you can at least keep track of what's going on between them. There is nothing worse than having your privacy invaded. Think of your little invasion as revenge. Besides, your wife and the ex shouldn't be acting this way. So it's good that the one who spies on them is YOU. I can realate to the email thing, because that's how I found out about my boyfriend and his ex.

 

First, take some time to realize that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Your self esteem can really take a hit if you continue to monitor them secretly. The info you are getting is painful...trust me..I've been there.

 

Take head to the things that he's saying to her. Try to understand how he's making her feel. And when you have the chance, make her feel the same way. I don't mean quote him word for word. Don't be him. BE YOURSELF. This whole thing is about feelings between the two of them. Sure you will never be him. And if he is who she wants, then she would be with him. But she's not. She's with you. So you owe it to yourself to give it all you got.

 

Another thing...Send her a loving email note simular to something that he might have written to her in the past. Send it to the same address that he uses. Make sure it's sincere though. Don't duplicate his message.

 

Example: If he said something like, "Remember how we used to spend all day together laughing and holding each other" YOU need to think of something that you and your wife used to do that you don't do anymore. Tell her how much you miss that. Remind her how much you love her. And how you think SHE is YOUR SOULMATE. That will really get her going :-)

 

Make a little routine of doing this like once a week or something. May be the two of you will end up emailing her at the same time. Your sincere, and kind email will come as a surprise to her. If she has a concience, she may start to feel guilty about what she's doing with the ex. May be she will come clean.

 

If she doesn't, she will certainly feel guilty, and that will force her to open up some lines of communiction with you. No one can string anyone along forever. She either loves you, or she doesn't !!! Good luck.

[genie]

I see the original post was in March, is there an update?