Do I come on too strong or am I just being paranoid/insecure??

[kantalek]

I have had many relationships that seemed doomed by the third month or so. I, of course, blame myself because it's always me that is getting dumped. I'm trying to be mature about this by saying "It's their loss" "It's not always my fault" "They don't deserve someone wonderful like me" yadda yadda yadda... but that can only last so long......

 

Help me here. Do I come on too strong? Here's the latest example: Met a guy a little over a month ago. We emailed, then it progressed into phone calls, then into dates. We seem compatible and he seems genuinely interested in me. He always wants to know about my day, what has happened in my life since we last spoke, asks about my family, just really seems interested in me as a person. So, because I feel comfortable with him, I sent him a snail mail card (we had discussed how everything is done over the computer now so I thought it would be a cute gesture.) The card was innocent enough. It said "Just a quick hello" and on the inside it said, "Thinking of You." I am thinking he should have received it by now but I have heard nothing from him. I emailed him this morning and asked him if he would like to get together before the weekend is out, and I still have heard nothing.

 

Do I come on too strong? Should I let him pursue me instead of letting him know I am just as interested? ( I feel if I don't let them know I am interested, too, that they will lose interest because they will think I am not interested or that I'm playing hard to get, which is not the case)

 

I feel I can't win either way. If I DON'T let them know, I'm afraid they will lose interest, and if I DO let them know, they seem to lose interest. I am very insecure because of this. I need to know if it's me, or if I'm wearing some perfume that attracts only men who like to dump women.

[Tony T]

There are many ways of letting someone know you're interested without telling them or sending them cards. To keep them around a while, keep them guessing. Be real nice a few days, and stand offish a few. There are lots of people in this forum who think this is playing games and I suppose it is. But there are a lot of things in life that are playing games....as a matter of fact, life is ONLY a game so how you play it determines what you get out of it.

 

Don't play all your cards, don't stay on the phone a long time with any guy, have a life of your own apart from them, and never let them feel they are the only thing you've got going. It would seem after three months it would be OK to send a card but you may have read this guy wrong. Just be cool and wait for him to make the next move. And pull back a little for a while. KEEP HIM GUESSING!!!

[moimeme]

I feel I can't win either way. If I DON'T let them know, I'm afraid they will lose interest, and if I DO let them know, they seem to lose interest. I am very insecure because of this. I need to know if it's me, or if I'm wearing some perfume that attracts only men who like to dump women.

 

I hear that! If only we could work out some sort of signal for men to use, like wearing a burgundy pocket puff if they're insecure and want and need reassurance often or a forest green one if they don't like 'clinginess'.

 

Sigh.

[moimeme]

Tony suggests:

 

and stand offish a few

 

Yeah. Problem with that is there are some fellows who will flee at the slightest thought that maybe you're not interested - and being standoffish can certainly look that way. So you play 'standoffish' and they think you're ignoring them and *poof*, they're gone.

 

It just is not that simple.

[jenny]

i'll say at the onset that i do play games, which work on a particular type of man in particular situations.

 

but, i think the real problem here is that you're working too hard. i seriously think lots of women need to be much lazier in the beginning of relationships. if done correctly, this sort of cat and mousing is an art form - it's more about languor than rigour.

 

i understand your concern that he might think you are standoffish, but from my limited experience, this is a much smaller concern than worrying about the woman who calls and needs too much.

 

now, all that said, a guy who can't handle one snail mail card is a little *too* skittish; my cat is more courageous than this. for now, i agree with letting him come to you. be unavailable until you feel like he might be interesting to see again, but let him make the plans and do the leg work.

[moimeme]

now, all that said, a guy who can't handle one snail mail card is a little *too* skittish; my cat is more courageous than this

 

I couldn't agree more. Some guys seem to have developed a terminal fear that every woman is going to turn into a "Fatal Attraction". You don't want to have to deal with one of those.

[kantalek]

Thank you all so much for your immediate replies. One thing I do NOT want to do is play games, even though life is a game in itself. He told me when we first met that he doesn't want to even THINK someone is playing mind games with him. That it's a real turn off and that honesty is a turn on, (but who doesn't feel the same way, right?). That is one reason why I felt it was OK to send him that snail mail card. I'm showing my honesty as far as how I feel toward him. He certainly doesn't have to wonder if I'm interested, and a "Thinking of You" card can't get any more honest than that !!

 

My 16 year old son just came home. We tell each other most everything about our dilemmas with the opposite sex. And, he says I'm whacked and paranoid. (Out of the mouth of babes.) In a way, that makes me feel better. He says my friend will call, that maybe he is actually doing something today besides sitting on the computer fretting over his love life (I think that was a hint) and that he will call either tonight or tomorrow.

 

Again, thanks for the imput from all of you. I would appreciate any more anyone has to offer.

[moimeme]

maybe he is actually doing something today besides sitting on the computer fretting over his love life (I think that was a hint)

 

[fancypants]

I know exactly what you are going through. Men are a strange breed! I have been having real problem lately with men. Almost like the second you tell them you like them they get spooked. Even if they are the ones who are telling you how much they enjoy your company, and you them agree, and then you don't hear from them for 2 weeks. What a pain! So my best advice to you is just be more lazy about your relationships. As hard as it is you have to do it! They like freak when you do nice things for them.

 

Just a few weeks ago I made the huge mistake of sending a guy i was dating a dozen Pzckai (not quite sure how to spell that) donuts to work for him and his co-workers to eat. I put a note inside the box that said something like "It's a Polish holiday, so enjoy!" Nothing to lovie-dovie. Yeah I have not heard from him since then. I had been dating him for about 2 months, so now I have crossed him off my list.

 

Just be lazy, they will come around it they really want to be with you. Check this website out. I have found a lot of help on there. http://www.ivillage.com.

 

Good Luck to you.

[NatoPMT]

i hate game playing - never done it before, but this time i didnt play games as such - i just never contacted him - i let him come to me. almost every time. when he contacts me i am clear that i want to see him - 'would love to meet friday' etc, but i never allowed myself to text him or call him even when i was almost wailing into my hot chocolate because he hadnt called for 2 days. impatient - moi?

 

last weekend he spontaneously listed a number of things he likes about me - independant was one of them. i nearly wet myself laughing on the inside, but on the outside i nodded sagely.

 

whats more, i am beginning to believe my own propaganda now

[kantalek]

Well, here's the latest for those who are following my situation. My friend finally called. He never mentioned the card. It's as though he never received it. But, he did ask to get together. The plan was for him to come to my place Sunday evening. He called me during the day on Sunday and said his mother had emergency surgery and he wanted to stay by the phone. Understandable, but yet a let down anyway. He called me the next day and said, how about Tuesday? I said OK. Tuesday he calls me and says his son wants to use the van to take out a girl (He is 17.)

 

So, he cancels on me AGAIN ! He says, how about Wednesday? I say, OK. I called him about an hour ago to tell him of a hair app't I forgot about at 6. I wanted to know what time he had planned on coming over. He said 6:30, then proceeded to tell me that he hasn't been feeling well the past couple days. He is trying to ween himself off some back medicine and it is making him ill. This is the 3rd rejection in one week. He told me to call him after my hair app't to see how he is feeling. What the heck is going on here?? I truly believe him and his reasons but jees, how much does he expect me to put up with?? And why would he expect me to? I would not expect anyone to stick around after all this if it was me doing the rejecting, so why should I??

[moimeme]

Here's where you decide if he's being honest and if you trust him. It's quite possible that he's trying to get off a drug and it's making him sick. Maybe each day he thought he'd be better and then found he wasn't. That just happened to a friend of mine and it happens to me.

 

I'd say give it another week or so and see if he is still sick. However, if you are that distrustful that you don't wish to believe him, dump him now because people deserve to be with people who trust them.

[kantalek]

Hi Moimeme,

 

As I stated in my last post, I DO trust him. I just don't know if I should hang on, for fear that this will be a norm in our relationship. Do I really want to be with someone who doesn't mind cancelling out 3 times in one week?? THAT is why I am posting in loveshack.... it's not that I dont' trust him..... Thanks for your advice and imput. I really do appreciate it.