Cancelling Child Support Order....

[2010_Sorry]

For some of you that have read some of my threads, I have been divorced for 3 months from my husband of 7 years. I hurt him very badly in our relationship and I have just now come to the realization that I ruined my marriage and my family. To make a long story short, I have asked for forgiveness from my XH and told him that I would love an opportunity to reconcile our relationship. He has said he's not ready... so I have been working on myself.. working out, cleaning, organizing... getting closer to God. I'm a much happier person.

 

Getting to the title of my post... I have been getting this pulling feeling to cancel the child support order from my XH. He makes 1.5x what I make, but I have been very good about saving every dime that he has given me for Child Support. As a result, it is evident that I don't REALLY need it. He has encountered car troubles, his attorney was crazy expensive and he owes a lot to many people. I am thinking that this money would do him better than me... but I also know that if he mishandles that extra money, the kids could suffer. He always said that he was shocked that I asked for child support during the dissolution since it was something I was always adamant against. It further proved his point that I was not the woman he thought I was....

 

He's been asking all kinds of questions, "Why are you doing this?", "What makes you think that the courts will approve the cancellation?", etc. I'm really trying to listen to the softer side of my heart, being open and honest... but there is also a little voice in my head that says I'm being a doormat... what do you think?

[just_some_guy]

You are free to do with your money as you wish, but child support is supposed to be SUPPORT for the CHILD.

 

You should be spending it on the child or saving it on his behalf. In most places, the amounts of child support are mandated or at least by legal precedent and practice.

 

Spend the money on the kid. If you feel like helping X-H out, then help him out as you see fit. But I'd keep the support order in place. If you are able to save money, then save money. The time will come that someone will be out of a job either from economics, health or whatever circumstances come along. You should work on having at least a year's worth of living expenses saved up if you haven't already.

[michaelhopes]

You cheated on him and you're being a doormat? Please explain that to me....

Do you have full custody of the kids?

[hopesndreams]

Put your kids first.

 

Will giving up the child support endear himself to you? Is that the motive?

[2010_Sorry]

MichaelHopes - I cheated on him, but I realized my mistake and am desperately trying to reconcile. He tells me that he is not ready to work on "us", but maybe in 5 or 10 years he will be... basically hanging me with little things... telling me that we have to take "baby steps", but yet he's in a committed relationship with someone else. My family has been telling me not to make him a priority when he only sees me as an option... and saying that I'm being a doormat. In all honesty, I feel that I NEED to show him that I'm committed to reconciliation and trying to earn his trust back.

Just_Some_Guy - We both make enough money that no exchange of support really needs to occur. He has never saved money, but I have a nice savings account of my own (over and above the CS savings). I understand that the money should go to the kids... but they don't need that much money, and they could be better served with that savings with college in 10 years!

[2010_Sorry]

HopesandDreams - I truly do not think so. I don't know why Im being drawn to this decision. I guess I don't see that its fair that he is suffering financially and I am not? In a crazy way, I still feel connected to him, still think of him as my husband, and I'm worried about him. The only motive is being true to myself. I never did believe in Child Support...

 

I forgot to answer someone else, we have a 50% 50% visitation schedule, shared parenting... so nobody has more time with them over the other.

[trippi1432]

In my opinion, keep the order in place. I don't think who cheated on has any bearing on supporting the children from a marriage. If you don't need the money, continue saving it for the children....could come in handy one day for college or a down payment on a house for a child to get started in life. Truth is, you never know where you will be in 10 years financially to be able to do that for your children. Also, if your ex is having problems right now, where will he be in a year....jobs are getting scarce and he might not be making 1.5 times as you in a year.

[michaelhopes]

Although your husband is in the wrong for hanging you with little things it is somewhat understandable. He is hurt and angry and this is something he will have to deal with himself.

Your family is wrong. He was your option. He was your doormat.

You have reaped what you sowed.

 

That said...

Dont be desperate to reconcile.

Just be the best person that you can be and the best mother that you can be.

Stay away from men.

If you have plenty of money after child support then help him out when you can.

Just be a friend, move on with life and see where that goes....

[Ballerfamily]

For some of you that have read some of my threads, I have been divorced for 3 months from my husband of 7 years. I hurt him very badly in our relationship and I have just now come to the realization that I ruined my marriage and my family. To make a long story short, I have asked for forgiveness from my XH and told him that I would love an opportunity to reconcile our relationship. He has said he's not ready... so I have been working on myself.. working out, cleaning, organizing... getting closer to God. I'm a much happier person.

 

Getting to the title of my post... I have been getting this pulling feeling to cancel the child support order from my XH. He makes 1.5x what I make, but I have been very good about saving every dime that he has given me for Child Support. As a result, it is evident that I don't REALLY need it. He has encountered car troubles, his attorney was crazy expensive and he owes a lot to many people. I am thinking that this money would do him better than me... but I also know that if he mishandles that extra money, the kids could suffer. He always said that he was shocked that I asked for child support during the dissolution since it was something I was always adamant against. It further proved his point that I was not the woman he thought I was....

 

He's been asking all kinds of questions, "Why are you doing this?", "What makes you think that the courts will approve the cancellation?", etc. I'm really trying to listen to the softer side of my heart, being open and honest... but there is also a little voice in my head that says I'm being a doormat... what do you think?

 

You could just give it back for now.

[somedude81]

In my opinion, keep the order in place. I don't think who cheated on has any bearing on supporting the children from a marriage.

What?!

 

Are you serious?

 

Frankly I think it's a crime that the OP was entitled to child support in the first place. She cheated and is the reason for their divorce and he has to pay her money?!

 

I forgot to answer someone else, we have a 50% 50% visitation schedule, shared parenting... so nobody has more time with them over the other.

Why are you even receiving child support?!

 

With 50/50 shared parenting, nobody is entitled to support. The unwavering bias towards women in the legal system makes me want to pull my hair out.

[2010_Sorry]

Hi Somedude. Yeah, that was the way that we felt the entire time we were married. I never thought that cs should even be an option if the kids are 50/50.

 

Unfortunately, the county we lived in did NOT agree with no CS and believe it or not the judge didn't agree with our 50/50 visitation schedule... blew our minds! Anyway, we agreed to a significant reduction in the state's recommendation... which if any of you are familiar with those guidelines, they're pretty ridiculous already!

 

To clarify the child support to you somedude... although I have been receiving it, it has been saved entirely. In addition, I have been paying for ALL of the kids' expenses... sports fees, school fees, clothes, etc. I have never once "abused" the child support.

 

Ballerfamily- I never told him that I was saving the money until a few months ago, and he broke down in tears and said he didn't want to hear that. I offered to help him out with the money that I had saved and he said no... but now he seems to be changing his tune.

[trippi1432]

What?!

 

Are you serious?

 

Frankly I think it's a crime that the OP was entitled to child support in the first place. She cheated and is the reason for their divorce and he has to pay her money?!

 

 

Why are you even receiving child support?!

 

With 50/50 shared parenting, nobody is entitled to support. The unwavering bias towards women in the legal system makes me want to pull my hair out.

 

I respectfully disagree...whether it's a man or a woman who cheated, the infidelity has no bearing in the courts to who gets child support or how much is owed. That is a computation on how much each spouse makes, who carries insurance and then it is determined on who maintains the most custody.

 

If you believe that woman have the market in the courts, I would challenge that, I have witnessed both men and women going to jail for not paying their support orders.

 

In my own case, I have sole custody of our son and my ex is supposed to pay support. I have sent our teenage son to live with his father because he opted for a school that is not in my area and he was having a time with school refusal (even had to call the sheriff to my house to try and make him go...he was 14 then).

 

I have a support order based on both our incomes (me 70%, him 30% responsible for finances due to earnings)...he left the marriage and moved in with his girlfriend the day after she moved her husband out...he does not pay support now as a verbal agreement since I let our son live with him and I am paying the bills that he helped run up as well as pay for child's incidentals and clothes. Probably a good thing for him not having to pay since he is always broke even without paying the support order.

 

As you can see, clearly the courts did not care one bit that he left the marriage and was most likely cheating...it is a mathematical computation. Spousal support is a different story altogether, but in the case of child support....the child should not be punished by their parent's deeds.

[controlledchaos]

i'm guessing that the favoring in court varies between dissolving a marriage and when abuse is involved. because then the court's favor equality between parents in abuse cases, and moms have to jump through hoops to get child support, or to keep their kids away from violent spouses.

 

i haven't been to court yet. i just know what i've legally been told regarding the treatment of women in the courts. and it's not favorable ( at least not in a case like mine).

 

if you split custody 50/50 and you make enough to support the kids i don't see any issue with you not accepting the money or giving it back or asking the courts to get involved. as long as your intentions aren't just to look good in his eyes, or to try and get him to come back or see you in a better light.

 

 

What?!

 

With 50/50 shared parenting, nobody is entitled to support. The unwavering bias towards women in the legal system makes me want to pull my hair out.

[Gunny376]

First off the Children should be taken into consideration ~ and their future

put first and foremost!

 

Even if you can do nothing else other than put into savings? You absolutely cannot go wrong in doing so?

 

With that said?

 

Let us QUIT with all this "cuzzing and fuzzing" and get down to the bussiness of "lovin" one another!"

 

Cherrishing one another!

 

He's going to get old, wrinkled, bald-headed and probally fat?

 

And you'll probally do the same!

 

Why not do it together?

 

Its an illusion to think that what you had in your youth will last forever?

 

Georgre Jones ~ Bruce Stringsteen sang and have written some songs of it (Glory Days)

 

 

Live your Life to its "TOP" and to its "FULLEST"

[Darth Vader]

For some of you that have read some of my threads, I have been divorced for 3 months from my husband of 7 years. I hurt him very badly in our relationship and I have just now come to the realization that I ruined my marriage and my family. To make a long story short, I have asked for forgiveness from my XH and told him that I would love an opportunity to reconcile our relationship. He has said he's not ready... so I have been working on myself.. working out, cleaning, organizing... getting closer to God. I'm a much happier person.

 

Getting to the title of my post... I have been getting this pulling feeling to cancel the child support order from my XH. He makes 1.5x what I make, but I have been very good about saving every dime that he has given me for Child Support. As a result, it is evident that I don't REALLY need it. He has encountered car troubles, his attorney was crazy expensive and he owes a lot to many people. I am thinking that this money would do him better than me... but I also know that if he mishandles that extra money, the kids could suffer. He always said that he was shocked that I asked for child support during the dissolution since it was something I was always adamant against. It further proved his point that I was not the woman he thought I was....

 

He's been asking all kinds of questions, "Why are you doing this?", "What makes you think that the courts will approve the cancellation?", etc. I'm really trying to listen to the softer side of my heart, being open and honest... but there is also a little voice in my head that says I'm being a doormat... what do you think?

 

 

If you think about it, you're making your Ex-husband pay for your affair! How fair is that to him? He's thrown in Hell, then tormented with insult to injury! He's paying for your sin/s, why should he? As the saying goes, "when mommy play, papa pays"!

[Darth Vader]

HopesandDreams - I truly do not think so. I don't know why Im being drawn to this decision. I guess I don't see that its fair that he is suffering financially and I am not? In a crazy way, I still feel connected to him, still think of him as my husband, and I'm worried about him. The only motive is being true to myself. I never did believe in Child Support...

 

I forgot to answer someone else, we have a 50% 50% visitation schedule, shared parenting... so nobody has more time with them over the other.

 

So why the child support? It sounds as though it's joint custody. It looks like you wanted him to pay to add insult to injury because he's a man and you knew that the courts are in favor of women, so you used that to take advantage of your poor hurting husband, perhaps to also keep him on a leash, so he couldn't find someone else!

[Darth Vader]

Although your husband is in the wrong for hanging you with little things it is somewhat understandable. He is hurt and angry and this is something he will have to deal with himself.

Your family is wrong. He was your option. He was your doormat.

You have reaped what you sowed.

 

That said...

Dont be desperate to reconcile.

Just be the best person that you can be and the best mother that you can be.

Stay away from men.

If you have plenty of money after child support then help him out when you can.

Just be a friend, move on with life and see where that goes....

 

 

In her husband's case, he's reaped where he's not sown! This is almost Blasphemous, almost!

[sally4sara]

If you think about it, you're making your Ex-husband pay for your affair! How fair is that to him? He's thrown in Hell, then tormented with insult to injury! He's paying for your sin/s, why should he? As the saying goes, "when mommy play, papa pays"!

 

She isn't getting alimony. The division of the home and visitation was split in half resulting in her total income going down and his total income going down.

Because he makes more, the courts decided an amount to go to child support to reflect that difference.

 

Affair or no, the kids and their needs don't disappear so why punish the kids?

 

OP, its going into savings. Keep it in savings. If your ex needs monetary help to keep his end of things running, help him out from it. Say his car dies or something similar - it will effect him getting to work and then effect his quality of life - which will effect his ability to be a parent and continue to see to the childrens' needs.

If I wanted to one day reconcile - I'd want him at his best and fully wanting to come back with his whole heart so I'd know he didn't come back out of monetary need. There has already been too much turmoil in the kids' lives over your affair, so any reconciliation needs to be free of ulterior motives on both you and your husband's part. Otherwise you'll just end up back in court again later with the kids having to go through it all over again.

 

But even if you two never get back together again - a college fund will be needed.

[Trimmer]

I understand that the money should go to the kids... but they don't need that much money, and they could be better served with that savings with college in 10 years!

So do that. Start it now, and do it with commitment.

 

HopesandDreams - I truly do not think so. I don't know why Im being drawn to this decision.

You'd better figure that out before you make any major changes...

 

Frankly I think it's a crime that the OP was entitled to child support in the first place. She cheated and is the reason for their divorce and he has to pay her money?!

 

Why are you even receiving child support?!

She isn't - the kids are.

 

With 50/50 shared parenting, nobody is entitled to support. The unwavering bias towards women in the legal system makes me want to pull my hair out.

When parenting is shared 50/50 according to TIME, the court still takes into account the income of each parent. You can share the kids 50/50, but if one parent is making more than the other parent is making, it makes sense for the parent with more income to supplement the kids' lives when they are with the other parent. In my state it's a pretty cut and dried math formula that doesn't distinguish between mother and father, so be careful with sweeping generalizations about "the legal system."

 

It's easy to get one's hair all mussed up, but child support is about supporting the children.

 

Now, if you want to go off on spousal support, be my guest, but I have little patience for yelling about "why does the mother deserve child support?" She doesn't - the kids do. Don't do the same stupid thing that thoughtless parents do and start using the kids and their financial support as a proxy for the emotional battles, wounds, and punishments between the spouses.

[Darth Vader]

She isn't getting alimony. The division of the home and visitation was split in half resulting in her total income going down and his total income going down.

Because he makes more, the courts decided an amount to go to child support to reflect that difference.

 

Affair or no, the kids and their needs don't disappear so why punish the kids?

 

OP, its going into savings. Keep it in savings. If your ex needs monetary help to keep his end of things running, help him out from it. Say his car dies or something similar - it will effect him getting to work and then effect his quality of life - which will effect his ability to be a parent and continue to see to the childrens' needs.

If I wanted to one day reconcile - I'd want him at his best and fully wanting to come back with his whole heart so I'd know he didn't come back out of monetary need. There has already been too much turmoil in the kids' lives over your affair, so any reconciliation needs to be free of ulterior motives on both you and your husband's part. Otherwise you'll just end up back in court again later with the kids having to go through it all over again.

 

But even if you two never get back together again - a college fund will be needed.

 

 

Child support, aka. alimony is overrated against men, how many women pay child support? Not many, that's for sure! How much does this woman's husband have to pay in child support, although they have joint custody?

 

Looks like to me she wanted to keep him on the hook, like I mentioned before. So hubby figures, "well, since I'm going to be stuck on the hook for something I didn't do, I might as well string her along as well and sleep with as many women as I can"! I know, this is sick, however, this is the mind of someone who's been verbally, emotionally and mentally destroyed! This woman's Ex-husband will be tormented with those images of them together for the rest of his life!

[sally4sara]

Child support, aka. alimony is overrated against men, how many women pay child support? Not many, that's for sure! How much does this woman's husband have to pay in child support, although they have joint custody?

 

Looks like to me she wanted to keep him on the hook, like I mentioned before. So hubby figures, "well, since I'm going to be stuck on the hook for something I didn't do, I might as well string her along as well and sleep with as many women as I can"! I know, this is sick, however, this is the mind of someone who's been verbally, emotionally and mentally destroyed! This woman's Ex-husband will be tormented with those images of them together for the rest of his life!

 

You lost my want for discussing anything with you in the first line of your post. Your words are those of a man who either has never had kids, or didn't bother trying to get custody of kids during a divorce.

 

parent A makes $500 a week

Parent B makes $1500 a week

 

If kids get 20% of each parents earnings, one parent will end up contributing a larger sum.

 

This is rough estimate of how it works.

[Darth Vader]

You lost my want for discussing anything with you in the first line of your post. Your words are those of a man who either has never had kids, or didn't bother trying to get custody of kids during a divorce.

 

parent A makes $500 a week

Parent B makes $1500 a week

 

If kids get 20% of each parents earnings, one parent will end up contributing a larger sum.

 

This is rough estimate of how it works.

 

 

It also depends on where you live at. In some states, they rape ya financially. Some can't afford to pay child support and support themselves. Obviously, you don't know everything yourself!

[sally4sara]

It also depends on where you live at. In some states, they rape ya financially. Some can't afford to pay child support and support themselves. Obviously, you don't know everything yourself!

 

Having been through a divorce and having a prominent law practice in the family does add to how much one might know about the subject.

The only state I would identify as having ridiculous standards in divorce and custody would be Illinois.

[Trimmer]

Child support, aka. alimony

This is wrong. Two different things, and you are equating them.

 

How much does this woman's husband have to pay in child support, although they have joint custody?

Counter example:

 

In our divorce, we have 50/50 joint custody. AND, because we are capable of earning essentially equal salaries, the unemotional, gender neutral child support calculation came out to be zero for me, zero for her. No hair pulling, no hand wringing. It's just a formula.

 

Even if we had a 50/50 time split, if one of us made double what the other one did, I would expect that one to contribute proportionally to the kids upbringing, whether that was me or her. I don't see the problem with that. They're our kids, we're both going to contribute to raising them, according to our means.

 

Now as I said before, go off on alimony if you want, but child support and alimony are two different things, handled separately.

[delajoonal]

OP:

 

the money is for the CHILDREN..period.

 

don't feel sorry for him...

 

who left who has NO baring on the child support...

and him saying u asking for it only proves he has no idea who u r...BS!

 

it's just a ploy to manipulate u and your feelings.

 

if u do not need the money as of now, meaning, u make enough to support your children monthly without any problems...

than put the child support in the bank and start a college fund..

or a 'rainy day' fund...the kids could use it for summer camp, field trips with school, extra activites, i.e. music, dance, karate, etc.

 

put the money away for YOUR kids...

 

sorry, but he has partial resposibility to his kids too..

and it sounds, by your post, he has issues handling money and getting into debt?

 

so while u think u r doing something good..for him, for a possible future R with him..again...do not cancel the CS...remember, IT was put in place by the courts for THE CHildren...

 

but believe me..i SO get where u r coming from and where your heart is...

just clear your head tho...and put the money away for your kids..period.

 

good luck...hope this wasn't harsh, i just know where your head is and u sound like u need push in the right direction...KIDS FIRST

 

take care & Merry Christmas!