Unsatisfied, and infidelity lurks nearby...

[Unsatisfied]

I love my husband, so much. He's a great man, with such a sweet personality, so loving, extremely attractive, and a great father. He's thoughtful and caring, and works hard for our family. We've been together now for 5 years, and I've never been happier. I'm 31 and he's 33, and for the longest time, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. We've been insanely attracted to each other since we met. And I knew that one day, sexual attraction and activity would slow down because that's just what happens, but our sexual activity has slowed down due to lack of satisfaction. At first, it was just me that it really took a toll on. He seems to be suffering from premature ejaculation and seems to just accept it instead of trying to get help for it. I haven't had satisfactory sex for 2 and a half years now, and even though I know that sex isn't everything and that it's a small part in any true relationship, I am really going wild inside.

 

I don't know what to do about it, I can't MAKE him get help for his sexual performance and I can't stand having sex for less than two minutes no matter what I try to do to help prolong it. It's even gotten to the point that he's cried afterward out of frustration. He doesn't want it to be over when it's over, but once he ejaculates, he can't get any sort of erection for several hours later. When it first became an issue, he would play around more to help make sure that I got satisfaction too, but for about the last two years he doesn't seem interested in that anymore. I don't know what to do, I don't want to ruin my marriage, but with the sexual frustration that I'm facing now, I just want satisfaction.

 

His previous relationship ended over a similar problem, at least from what I've noticed. His girlfriend at the time cheated on him after 2 years and wanted to be able to have a second man in the relationship. She confronted him with it, explained that she needed more and he didn't say anything and went off to work. He came home from work to find her in bed with their mutual friend, and they stated that they were in love and she still didn't want to lose either of them, at which time he left and didn't look back.

 

I don't know what to do, I'm so frustrated in every way about this. I cry to even think about cheating, but I need satisfaction so bad. Toys don't cut it, porn doesn't cut it. I just spend days and hours and months feeling aroused without end or satisfaction. I know that cheating is 'wrong'. It's something that even thinking about it could mean I'm a horrible person and I understand that. That only frustrates me more. At what point does cheating become NOT wrong? I mean, I understand that hurting someone is always hurting someone, but is there never a valid excuse for seeking physical satisfaction from another man when the one you love can't give it to you? I don't want to lose him. I don't want to leave him. But man... this sexual frustration is wearing me out, tearing me down... ruining my mindset. I have to do SOMETHING.. and since I can't make HIM do what he needs to do, what do I do for myself? Sexual suffering like this isn't any better or worse than infidelity. Please help.

 

Also, I fully understand religious views on cheating and the immorality of cheating, so please do not preach at me. I am fully needing some real helpful support here, so please don't insult me. I just need help with what I should do

[whichwayisup]

You either suck it up and deal with things on your own (porn, masturbation, dildo,) and still make love with your husband, slowly talk to him about getting help so you both can enjoy sex again, without making him feel bad and unloved, not sexy etc.. DO NOT CHEAT ON HIM.

 

. At what point does cheating become NOT wrong?

 

It's always wrong.

 

If you feel he will never get better, then 1)ask for an open marriage if the above doesn't work, or 2)get a divorce. To go and cheat because your H has ED right now isn't and doesn't justify cheating. I"m not judging you, I'm just telling you how it is.

 

He needs help, he's depressed and this is going to get worse. This now isn't just about him not being able to keep going and afterwards get it up again, it's inside his head, making him feel less of man. Sure 2 years must be frustrating, but imagine how HE feels! Make it clear to him that you do love him, want to support him. Do sex therapy, he can talk to his Dr, get refferals to talk to a specialist too. To give up on him and go and cheat isn't the answer, if anything it'll be the beginning of the end of your marriage.

[musemaj11]

There is such a thing as numbing cream you know ...

[Iconoclast]

Holy Cow! So you're contemplating doing to him the very thing that is probably the root of his problem? I understand your need to be fulfilled, but c'mon, you will crush this mans soul. How can you even consider this given your first two sentences?

He needs therapy. You need to find a way to get him there, no that's not gonna be easy, but your way is a complete disaster. He's sick and needs help. That's how to view it.

 

Can you even imagine the tremendous stress he must be under? He lost one woman to his inability and probably sees you doing the same in his future. How's that sound for performance anxiety? If you could not please your husband sexually, would you feel like less of a woman? Thnk about it.

[lkjh]

Do not cheat. Tell him flat out that he gets help or you are leaving. Tell him that your are not satisfied and you are now fantasying about cheating.

 

 

Be flat out honest. Do not suger coat it

[hART]

Communication is the only way to solve this. There has to be a way to solve this, like poly, S&M or something. Much easier to know why someone left, then to discover someone cheating.

[giotto]

if he doesn't want to get help and talking doesn't help, you will have to give him an ultimatum: get help or get divorced. Maybe harsh, but it looks like he needs a waking-up call...

[xxoo]

if he doesn't want to get help and talking doesn't help, you will have to give him an ultimatum: get help or get divorced. Maybe harsh, but it looks like he needs a waking-up call...

 

Cheating is far more harsh.

 

Unsatisfied, you say he does nothing to continue pleasing you after his orgasm. He may not be able to delay his orgasm at this point, but he certainly CAN continue touching and pleasuring you after his. This seems to be a good place to start.

 

What do you do in this situation? My natural inclination would be to continue the stimulation myself, until I climaxed. My partner's natural inclination, seeing that, would be to "help" me (touch, words, maybe more). Premature ejaculation doesn't need to mean sexual frustration.

[giotto]

Premature ejaculation doesn't need to mean sexual frustration.

 

strap-on comes to mind... Sorry, I couldn't resist... but nevertheless, toys could play a big (no pun intended) role...

[giotto]

If you continue to focus on what you don't have instead of what you do have you will keep looking for something outside your marriage.

 

Well, it's normal to concentrate on what you don't have, especially if it's something important like sex. I'm aware that some people can take it or leave it, but our OP can't and it's ruining her life. We get married also to have a frequent sex life - or a sex life nevertheless - so to negate this to your spouse and not wanting to find a solution is wrong. It paramounts to emotional abuse. Having said that, cheating is wrong too. But attitudes like "concentrate on what you have" don't help solve the problem. We are not talking about wanting a new car. She wants a proper marriage with her husband.

[giotto]

And a proper marriage doesn't include screwing somebody outside of the marriage. If sex is all she focuses on without either of them getting professional help....their marriage means nothing to either of them.

 

I think we agree on this...

[TigerCub]

Well, it's normal to concentrate on what you don't have, especially if it's something important like sex. I'm aware that some people can take it or leave it, but our OP can't and it's ruining her life. We get married also to have a frequent sex life - or a sex life nevertheless - so to negate this to your spouse and not wanting to find a solution is wrong. It paramounts to emotional abuse. Having said that, cheating is wrong too. But attitudes like "concentrate on what you have" don't help solve the problem. We are not talking about wanting a new car. She wants a proper marriage with her husband.

 

Totally agree with this post.

 

Unsatisfied, your husband seems very selfish.

Yes, he has a problem, and that he can't help - but he's not even trying to see a doctor or find a solution, and the fact that he has stopped trying to please you after he's done, shows just how selfish he is.

 

It seems like as long as he got his, nothing else matters.

 

I can certainly see why you're so frustrated.

 

I don't think that cheating is the answer though. That's going to cause the both of you so much pain, and if you end up developing feelings for the OM, that's just a huge mess.

 

I think you need to talk to your husband, be sensitive but honest, and tell him that he needs to seek help for this, you're simply frustrated and not satisfied and its taking a HUGE part of the intimacy out of the marriage.

 

You would probably need to be honest about your thoughts of seeking sex outside the marriage if nothing changes - hopefully that will open his eyes and he will be more willing to talk to a doctor and try his best to get this problem fixed.

 

But don't cheat - that's not going to solve your problems, it will only create more.

 

Good luck to you

[Texsun65]

Have your husband try a real thick condom. This can numb sensation and help him last longer.

[elemental1]

does he only get off that quick from sex - or is it that way across the entire board?...i.e. bj's, hj's - there are so many things you two can do that will spice things up - cheating or having an open relationship isnt the answer. you think it is complicated with just the two of you?...try adding a whole other person.....

 

now, mentally, i know that when i finish, a little switch in my brain flips from completely horny to completely out of the mood.... i mean, COMPLETELY... im sure a lot of men can understand that. it is hard for me to do something sexual when im not in that mindset so at that point, anything i do is strictly for her...then again, nine times out of ten, it gets me going again. lol but that could be his problem - might just be a mental thing - give him a breather but also let him know that you arent done yet.

 

it seems like you guys just need to take your time. if actual intercourse is what brings on his premature ejac. then do other things and hold off on that til the last minute...until you have been satisfied enough to satisfy him. i had almost the exact opposite problem your husband does - i would take too long. so one thing my wife tried was masturbating for me. sometimes she used a toy, most of the time just her hands - it turned her on just as much as it turned me on...if not more. also, watching porn together really worked wonders. there are also ways for a man to control the muscles down there and basically control when he gets off - im sure there are books on it... for me, it is definitely more mental than physical.

 

i would just say to take your time, try different things - things you never thought you would try. just dont cheat. if you love this man, cheating on him because he cant satisfy your sexual needs would destroy him. sex is a very important thing to a man and it is equally important for a man to know that he pleases his wife so i guarantee it is on his mind just as much as it is on yours.

[Minnie09]

I agree that cheating won't help anyone. I have to add, though, that the problem is something he has to take care of. OP has already addressed the problem and he seems unwilling to do anything about it. Needless to say, that's not the way to go. And it shows how little he cares about her. His unwillingness to take care of the problem might originate from fear, embarrassment and whatnot, but what if he's just lazy? We will never know.

OP has to communicate her pov clearly, and he has to take it more seriously. I don't really care why he doesn't, the result is the same. The W is unhappy and unsatisfied, and he shows her that she's not important enough for him to make an effort. That's not fair.

OP, talk to him asap, communicate clearly and firmly, but be very sensitive about it. Actually, try to be oversensitive. This subject can kill a man's ego. However, insist that things have to change, or at least, insist that he try and make a real effort.

[IzzyB]

I totally get where you are coming from OP. It is completely normal for you to entertain thoughts of an affair being that you feel so stuck and desperate, however as others have commented, it would do more harm then good in your situation. It is evident that you dont want to divorce your husband.

Talk to him about how frustrated you are and be sensitive and understanding however be firm that you are not okay with him doing nothing to improve things. As long as you are willing to work through this with him and he is willing to take action, you guys can work it out. If he cant/wont discuss it, then the next step is mc (which i recommend anyway) at least to help you discuss this. There is also sexual counseling by highly trained professionals and he can go by himself. That can be incredibly helpful.

If that doesnt work, after you give it a fair amount of time you will have to consider separation and/or divorce. It sounds to me like going without sex and intimacy in your relationship is not an option for you, and with good reason. Particularly since it sounds like you both shared that before.

 

Good luck and please keep us posted.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

One he needs to get you off first, which means, kissing, touching, sucking, licking (sorry if too graphic).....

 

Now if he has a problem with PE, how did you have a great sex life at the beginning? Sorry sounds like a huge disconnect.

 

Otherwise, thick rubbers and I tell him to buy emla cream..... Real simple.....

 

Unfortunately I think the issues run much deeper.

[Unsatisfied]

I appreciate your responses, they're all very helpful. Sorry it took me so long to check the post again, it didn't seem that anyone was going to respond.

 

To answer a few questions:

1. We've tried numbing creams, none worked. He stated at the time that he did feel numbness and we thought it would work, only to have another fast finish, lasting no longer than without the cream.

 

2. We've tried different types of condoms, we've used toys before sex, after he's finished, oral sex and other manual stimulation. He stopped putting forth the effort, and it's been downgraded to me pleasuring myself afterward while he watches, doing nothing. The only time that changes is if I put his hand there myself, in which he'll play... but definitely acts as if he doesn't want to. At least enough to make me feel that way, and that ends the mood fast.

 

3. You're all absolutely right about the cheating, it's the last thing I can really imagine myself doing... but it's just so frustrating that I don't know what else to do and my mind has definitely gone there, despite the fact that I don't think I could actually go through with it.

 

4. We had an amazing sex life for the first two years that we were together and then it started to taper off. Then one day, the literal 'minute man' situation was in full effect. It's extremely hard to suddenly find yourself unsatisfied sexually even though you're with a very attractive man that makes your hormones crazy just from looking at him, then a kiss.... and you're sex crazy. Everything he used to do was perfect, and now it's not even noticeable.

 

5. It's not just sex alone. BJs, HJs, even once just put him inside me while I masturbated and he finished based on only the vibrations inside of me from when I had my orgasm. I've played around, stopped to let it 'calm down' and picked back up again... I've tried everything I've read about. It's simply something that he's going to have to get involved to fix or nothing will come of a solution.

 

So, having said that, I want to thank you again for your replies. I will be checking back for more. I will have a much needed conversation with him about how we are to fix things, and that if he's not going to even try then we can't have a marriage because while sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship, lack of sex can drive you crazy. Especially when you're as attracted to your spouse as I am. I just hope that I can be sincere and firm enough while still holding the sensitivity of this kind of issue in mind. I have read forums and books on PE trying to help anyway that I can from my end, but again... unless he becomes active in that solution, we're not going to get anywhere.

[Honorable_Venerable]

2. We've tried different types of condoms, we've used toys before sex, after he's finished, oral sex and other manual stimulation. He stopped putting forth the effort, and it's been downgraded to me pleasuring myself afterward while he watches, doing nothing. The only time that changes is if I put his hand there myself, in which he'll play... but definitely acts as if he doesn't want to. At least enough to make me feel that way, and that ends the mood fast.

 

At the risk of overanalysing a single statement, this has some resonance with my wife's reactions to sex. These (it was finally determined) are psychological, not physical. If this is the case with your H, then EMLA cream, condoms made out of lorry inner tubes or even sandpapering his glans are not going to help - the PE / reluctance is a symptom - what's (not) happening downstairs is a result something (not) happening upstairs.

[cat5]

Have you thought about having sex more?

 

You stated in your first post that you guys use to fool around more and now he's really quick. This could help in a couple of ways. First he won't be as anxious. Second, even if the problem does persist if you are fooling around more maybe that'll help you feel more satisfied.

 

Cheating is wrong, you know that. I hope hearing everyone say that has reminded you of what you already knew.

[IzzyB]

Withholding sex from you and completely disregarding your sexual needs is as bad as getting it elsewhere. It sounds like he checked out a while ago and HE needs to talk to you about what is going on and get some counseling. Sex isnt just about getting off, its about intimacy and without that union, he may as well be your roommate. Not only that, withholding sex can be passive agressive, a form of controlling or getting back at your spouse. It is extremely detrimental to a woman's (or a man's) self esteem. Yes, it is "wrong" to cheat, but it is also "wrong" to deny your marriage partner what you and only you are supposed to provide. Dont sell the sexual aspect and your needs for physical intimacy with your husband short. It is such an important part of a marital relationship. Time to let him know this, tell him you will do what you need to help him figure it out, and be prepared to walk if he makes no effort.

[Distant78]

Withholding sex from you and completely disregarding your sexual needs is as bad as getting it elsewhere. It sounds like he checked out a while ago and HE needs to talk to you about what is going on and get some counseling. Sex isnt just about getting off, its about intimacy and without that union, he may as well be your roommate. Not only that, withholding sex can be passive agressive, a form of controlling or getting back at your spouse. It is extremely detrimental to a woman's (or a man's) self esteem. Yes, it is "wrong" to cheat, but it is also "wrong" to deny your marriage partner what you and only you are supposed to provide. Dont sell the sexual aspect and your needs for physical intimacy with your husband short. It is such an important part of a marital relationship. Time to let him know this, tell him you will do what you need to help him figure it out, and be prepared to walk if he makes no effort.

 

No, it's not as bad as getting it from somewhere else. It's nothing compared to infidelity. If the problem isn't getting any better and he wishes to not try, then separation is something to look into.

[luvstarved]

I just want to comment on this a bit from what might be his angle...

 

When he "finishes fast", remember, he is finished...in other words, this is much more of a problem for you than for him.

 

It sounds reminiscent of my situation. My H prefers to masturbate and when we do have sex, wants it over with asap...so there is a lot of premature ejaculation.

 

The preference comes from a few things, not the least of which are inevitable sexual boredom with the same partner, and the lack of pressure involved in solo sex...nobody to please or feel inadequate for...and of course the endless variety

 

Has your husband had any relationships in the past that lasted longer than 2 or 3 years? It might be that after that time he just can't get that worked up over the same person no matter how much he might want to...then when he is expected to, he feels pressured to perform and that just compounds the problem.

 

Unfortunately, this isn't like asking him to do more housework, etc, where he can just get off his arse and do something about it. Like it or not, a person cannot just will himself to be turned on sexually.

 

Do you know if he does masturbate a lot? This also compounds the problem but good luck reining him in on that...

 

I don't think that the answer is to have an affair unless you are willing to lose the marriage over this. I understand your feelings, and have had those same feelings but I know it would not be a good idea to indulge them. If this scenario is a dealbreaker, then break the deal before making a new one with someone else.

 

I think that you need to think this through and come up with what you believe to be the right course of action, and then present it to him. My suggestion would be to see a medical doctor about it. Maybe he needs Viagra or similar.

 

So assuming that would be the course of action you would suggest, I would suggest it by including all the wonderful things you think of him, as was in your original post, assure him you love him, that you don't want to criticize him - you want to help the two of you as a couple to improve the quality of your sex life. If he seems amenable to that, I would not further pressure him by telling him you've been contemplating an affair. I would only trot out that tidbit as an absolute last resort if he just won't hear you out at all and you HAVE to get his attention...and only then, as a fear of

yours that you have those feelings, and NOT as a threat or ultimatum. I think it is extremely important to not do anything that might make him feel more pressured, inadequate, etc.

 

Good luck to you, I sympathize, believe me!

[StrangeCanine]

I love my husband, so much. He's a great man, with such a sweet personality, so loving, extremely attractive, and a great father. He's thoughtful and caring, and works hard for our family. We've been together now for 5 years, and I've never been happier. I'm 31 and he's 33, and for the longest time, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. We've been insanely attracted to each other since we met. And I knew that one day, sexual attraction and activity would slow down because that's just what happens, but our sexual activity has slowed down due to lack of satisfaction. At first, it was just me that it really took a toll on. He seems to be suffering from premature ejaculation and seems to just accept it instead of trying to get help for it. I haven't had satisfactory sex for 2 and a half years now, and even though I know that sex isn't everything and that it's a small part in any true relationship, I am really going wild inside.

 

I don't know what to do about it, I can't MAKE him get help for his sexual performance and I can't stand having sex for less than two minutes no matter what I try to do to help prolong it. It's even gotten to the point that he's cried afterward out of frustration. He doesn't want it to be over when it's over, but once he ejaculates, he can't get any sort of erection for several hours later. When it first became an issue, he would play around more to help make sure that I got satisfaction too, but for about the last two years he doesn't seem interested in that anymore. I don't know what to do, I don't want to ruin my marriage, but with the sexual frustration that I'm facing now, I just want satisfaction.

 

His previous relationship ended over a similar problem, at least from what I've noticed. His girlfriend at the time cheated on him after 2 years and wanted to be able to have a second man in the relationship. She confronted him with it, explained that she needed more and he didn't say anything and went off to work. He came home from work to find her in bed with their mutual friend, and they stated that they were in love and she still didn't want to lose either of them, at which time he left and didn't look back.

 

I don't know what to do, I'm so frustrated in every way about this. I cry to even think about cheating, but I need satisfaction so bad. Toys don't cut it, porn doesn't cut it. I just spend days and hours and months feeling aroused without end or satisfaction. I know that cheating is 'wrong'. It's something that even thinking about it could mean I'm a horrible person and I understand that. That only frustrates me more. At what point does cheating become NOT wrong? I mean, I understand that hurting someone is always hurting someone, but is there never a valid excuse for seeking physical satisfaction from another man when the one you love can't give it to you? I don't want to lose him. I don't want to leave him. But man... this sexual frustration is wearing me out, tearing me down... ruining my mindset. I have to do SOMETHING.. and since I can't make HIM do what he needs to do, what do I do for myself? Sexual suffering like this isn't any better or worse than infidelity. Please help.

 

Also, I fully understand religious views on cheating and the immorality of cheating, so please do not preach at me. I am fully needing some real helpful support here, so please don't insult me. I just need help with what I should do

 

No joke. Get a new guy or buy a dog.

[Enema]

I'd tell him that this is a real problem for you and it's causing you to reconsider the marriage. You want him to get help for it so you can have a great sex life.

 

If that doesn't work and the marriage is great in all other respects, I'd consider secretly hiring a male escort once n' a while.