Unsatisfied, and infidelity lurks nearby...

[Trimmer]

At what point does cheating become NOT wrong?

Once you've divorced. Of course, then it's not cheating.

 

I mean, I understand that hurting someone is always hurting someone, but is there never a valid excuse for seeking physical satisfaction from another man when the one you love can't give it to you?

Well, I suppose, if the one you love lends his approval... Of course, then again, it's not cheating.

 

At the risk of overanalysing a single statement, this has some resonance with my wife's reactions to sex. These (it was finally determined) are psychological, not physical. If this is the case with your H, then EMLA cream, condoms made out of lorry inner tubes or even sandpapering his glans are not going to help - the PE / reluctance is a symptom - what's (not) happening downstairs is a result something (not) happening upstairs.

I can't agree with this more thoroughly. It may have been only one direct statement:

The only time that changes is if I put his hand there myself, in which he'll play... but definitely acts as if he doesn't want to.

... but that statement is a huge one - and, if she's representing the situation accurately, you can pretty much read the same theme between the lines in the rest of her posts anyway.

 

If he were trying... if he clearly cared, and was interested in doing something about this, then yes, you'd talk about all the "how to" hints with creams, toys, condoms, etc.

 

But if he isn't even interested in participating, if he doesn't even care, then all the "how to" advice is useless. As you say yourself:

 

... unless he becomes active in that solution, we're not going to get anywhere.

Nothing happens until that part is figured out.

Edited December 28, 2010 by Trimmer

[Allisha]

I'd tell him that this is a real problem for you and it's causing you to reconsider the marriage. You want him to get help for it so you can have a great sex life.

 

If that doesn't work and the marriage is great in all other respects, I'd consider secretly hiring a male escort once n' a while.

 

With all due respect Enema, etc..

 

OP, please do NOT take this advice.

He is selfish, yes, but it still doesn't warrant you going behind his back and breaking your marriage vows.

 

Having said that, I responded to a similar thread in the sex section earlier this year, it may or may not be of interest to you. If you've read into this subject, chances are you've heard of this. But if not..

 

I'm a medical student, and I've learnt about this sort of stuff. (one of my favourite topics, incidentally ).

 

Immediately what sprung to my mind was something called the Masters Johnson Method. It does require your wife to help, so talk to her. Even if the premature ejaculation isn't a big issue for her, then it clearly is for you, therefore you should be able to talk openly to your wife about it.

 

In a nutshell, it's basically just a way of (painlessly) gripping the penis to make you partially lose your erection right before you orgasm, and prevent you from ejaculating. The idea is over a period of weeks/months, you will train yourself to last longer.

 

Look into it. It helps a lot of men.

[riley707]

I don't get it. It's the guy with the problem, who is 100% selfish and will not address or work on the issue. And many posters are telling this poor woman to walk around on egg shells like she has something to loose by having an affair?

 

I forget the author, but there are books out there on how to have an affair and have it not ruin your marriage. Contrary to the black and white opinions on this board, there are plenty, thousands and thousands of marriages out there in this world that have been made stronger, not weaker, by an affair.

 

The problem is that people don't prepare for it. You get the garbage like, "oops, we were just there on the dance floor, that song came on and next thing I know we're in his car getting horizontal"

 

Chance affairs are scary and dangerous. You can either have a trial separation and say that yes, part of the deal is that you two are going to see other people.

 

This will show you one very very important thing. If you can find a lover who lasts all day, but is an idiot in other regards, your mind will start to re balance itself and start to downplay his ED. You'll start to see all the wonderful things he does and just live with the idea that a great sex life isn't in the cards for you.

 

Or it will show you that with the foundation of a healthy sex life, that you can build in other areas that your current situation is lacking. This would mean he is out, but its going to take you some time to find another man like him with the stamina you need.

 

Point is all of your behavior will be a huge wake up call for him that he can't just let this go on and not do anything about it because YOU are ready to do something about it, with or without him.

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't get it. It's the guy with the problem, who is 100% selfish and will not address or work on the issue. And many posters are telling this poor woman to walk around on egg shells like she has something to loose by having an affair?

 

I forget the author, but there are books out there on how to have an affair and have it not ruin your marriage. Contrary to the black and white opinions on this board, there are plenty, thousands and thousands of marriages out there in this world that have been made stronger, not weaker, by an affair.

 

The problem is that people don't prepare for it. You get the garbage like, "oops, we were just there on the dance floor, that song came on and next thing I know we're in his car getting horizontal"

 

Chance affairs are scary and dangerous. You can either have a trial separation and say that yes, part of the deal is that you two are going to see other people.

 

This will show you one very very important thing. If you can find a lover who lasts all day, but is an idiot in other regards, your mind will start to re balance itself and start to downplay his ED. You'll start to see all the wonderful things he does and just live with the idea that a great sex life isn't in the cards for you.

 

Or it will show you that with the foundation of a healthy sex life, that you can build in other areas that your current situation is lacking. This would mean he is out, but its going to take you some time to find another man like him with the stamina you need.

 

Point is all of your behavior will be a huge wake up call for him that he can't just let this go on and not do anything about it because YOU are ready to do something about it, with or without him.

 

This is probably the worst advice I have EVER read on LS!