BF wants to see me with another guy. I don't understand

[seekingunderstanding]

My boyfriend (of 4 mths) said he would be ok with me having sex with someone else if he were there and could watch. He said it would be hot to see me with someone else.

I'm pretty disturbed.

 

I'm trying to understand and to figure out if this is a huge red flag, an indicator of bigger issues, and if it will cause problems for the future.

I want a bond with someone that never involves anyone else sexually.

 

He likes to be submissive in bed. I could understand that part..

When I looked up hotwife lifestyle I learned that there's a link between wanting to be submissive and wanting to see your partner with someone else.

 

If he has a deep need to be dominated then fine I can do that, but if someone is so submissive that they want to be kept on the outside of the sex, could me dominating the hell out of him ever be enough?

 

Are there psychological problems that cause this that could pose a problem later on? It seems like it's a low self esteem, self punishing thing

[malia.antonio]

I have been in the same situation. I think that you should have a long talk with you boyfriend. I had the same talk with my boyfriend. We are more open sexually about it and he found it enjoyable though i did have my reservations. We talked about what made us comfortable and we go with that. We honestly both did things for each other but we did it as an experimentation to see what we wouldl ike as a couple and find we actually like it.

 

I say talk to him. If he can't understand honestly dont' do it just to keep him. It isn't even worth it.

[BellaBellaBella]

It s a fetish called cuckhold. Look it up.

[seekingunderstanding]

I looked it up but I still don't understand it. I don't understand why he would want someone else to enjoy my body.

Yet if I ran around behind his back that would "rip his heart out". All of his exes were cheaters and that upsets him.

 

I get a lot of comfort from understanding things.

[PegNosePete]

I don't understand cuckold either. It's a really strange sexual fetish. I also don't understand emetophilia, or many of the other weird things that some people like. Some people just like weird *****. If you're not comfortable to go along with his wishes then talk to him.

[Chi townD]

Don't do it. It would be the end of your relationship. He's having a fantasy, but a lot of times, when fantasy becomes reality, it changes your relationship forever. You'll lose all respect for him and you'll end up feeling cheap and used. You'll resent him for thinking so lowly of you that he's "pimping" you out.

 

Talk to him or end it. Then find someone that will respect you AND your body.

[Bryanp]

I believe that the fact that all of his ex girlfriends cheated on him has had a profound effect on him and this is the result of it. For example men growing up being abused have a great tendency to abuse others. In short, the previous cheating of his girlfriends had mentally affected him. Maybe you having sex with someone else in front of him gives him a sense of control which he does not have when women cheat on him behind his back. Certainly do not do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. I would strongly suggest that your boyfriend get into therapy to understand the effect this prior cheating has had on him. I wish you luck.

[Distant78]

I believe that the fact that all of his ex girlfriends cheated on him has had a profound effect on him and this is the result of it. For example men growing up being abused have a great tendency to abuse others. In short, the previous cheating of his girlfriends had mentally affected him. Maybe you having sex with someone else in front of him gives him a sense of control which he does not have when women cheat on him behind his back. Certainly do not do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. I would strongly suggest that your boyfriend get into therapy to understand the effect this prior cheating has had on him. I wish you luck.

 

Agree 100% with this. Cheating mentally scars people in different ways.

[In Like Flynn]

No man would want to sit there and watch someone they love get Boinked by another man!!! Now you know so get out now!!!!

[michaelhopes]

Your boyfriend has major problems....

You want a good relationship?

Start with finding someone a little closer to normal.

[OndaChin]

This behavior is just the tip of a giant ICEBERG.

 

*Unless you like being degraded.. I'd exit this relationship. Contrary to others telling you to talk it out with your partner?? No way!!

 

It's one thing to tell a partner you (as a man) like to be dressed up as a woman and beaten' senseless.. BUT

If a guy told you he liked screwing dead animals.. would you feel the need to disguss this further?? Hell NO!

 

No (normal) man wants another MAN to have the most "intimate" part of you!! NO NORMAL MAN would except this!!!!!!

 

Case in point: Have you ever watched National Geographic when they show Apes?? Notice what the male ape does when another tries to mount his female!! He goes completely APE-SH*T!!!

 

THINK ABOUT THAT for a second!

* We evolved from primates and their instincts are not unlike our own- especially when it comes to mates. If a Chimp gets all excited from others "hitting" his female- most Human males are likely to get the same way!! (Pardon the example- but I just cant imagine my lover getting hammered by another man- IN MY FACE)

[CandyHeart]

Tell him you will do it only if you get to choose the guy. Hang out with the other guy a lot, get close to him and tell your boyfriend hey you wanted me to have a F Buddy in to relationship. Do you know how his previous relationships ended? I am starting to wonder if he would say this to try get out of the relationship.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

No (normal) man wants another MAN to have the most "intimate" part of you!! NO NORMAL MAN would except this!!!!!!

 

 

 

Here is how absolutely ridiculous your statements are:

 

In this day and age, some people want same-sex couples to marry, and "cheating is cheating" regardless of whether you are cheating with a man, a woman, (or a dead animal).

 

SO, the very fact that you limit your example to "no normal man wants another MAN to have the most intimate part of..." (his wife/girlfriend) just shows that you're totally out of touch with the times.

 

Translation: IF a man wants another woman to have sex with his wife/girlfriend, just for the titillation it brings, then it is exactly the same thing as a man wanting a "man" to have sex with his wife/girlfriend in these modern times.

[Chi townD]

Okay, I thought I was with the times. Call me old fashion but, I always believed that making love to a person is the most intimate way of expressing that love. When two people can come together when they are the most vulnerable and physically express that love...well...there's nothing greater in the world to me.

 

Now, your boyfriend wants to share you with another, to me (being old fashion that I am) it seems like he really doesn't repect you as a person and a girlfriend. And to be honest, it sounds like you are intrigued with this idea. So, what does that say on how you truely feel about your boyfriend?

 

Also, I could be wrong. But, I get the feeling that this has already happened.

[Flyin in Clouds]

My boyfriend (of 4 mths) said he would be ok with me having sex with someone else if he were there and could watch. He said it would be hot to see me with someone else.

I'm pretty disturbed.

 

I'm trying to understand ...

 

He likes to be submissive in bed. I could understand that part..

When I looked up hotwife lifestyle I learned that there's a link between wanting to be submissive and wanting to see your partner with someone else.

 

Ok, first, look at ourhotwives.org/forums/ ... they have forums that discuss both the hotwife and cuckold lifestyles. Yes (I'm male) I can't really get into the cuckold humiliation thing, but the hotwife with MFMs... yeah. And to those that say how could a guy want another man to do his wife? Look at the article on the web site. For some people it's a very erotic fetish. And if a woman enjoys having a lover or three and her husband / bf enjoys that too, who is to say they are wrong? Not I. For one thing if two guys could give my wife more pleasure and I loved her and wanted her to have as much sexual pleasure as possible why wouldn't I want her to enjoy herself - fully? How would it be loving to deny someone some part of the sexuality? You only go thru live once, make the most of it.

 

However those lifestyles are great fantasies for many, but also difficult to live and few do it successfully.

 

First and foremost your primary relationship has to be rock solid - totally open and totally honest communications about your deepest feelings, fears, desires, fantasties etc. No secrets. No hidden motives. No violating what ever rules of engagement you make up between the two of you. For most people those rules are monogamy. Many swingers, swappers, hotwives and cuckold couples have different rules.

 

BTW, most women are taken aback (disturbed) when their guy firsts talks about those alternate lifestyles. They view it as subterfuge so their guy can get into other women's pants. Sometimes it is, but mostly in those lifestyles it is not.

 

This can be a very good thing for you relationship, something you both enjoy a lot, but you have to be careful with each other. Read a lot, talk a lot, read stories on literotica (loving wives section) together, find what you like, don't like, know your boundaries and his. Talk a lot about it in bed, in the heat of passion and then not in the heat of passion. Enter with caution and go slowly if you decide to pursue this. While this can be good it can also ruin your relationship. That's why you need an abundance of caution for something this out of the ordinary.

 

And yes, this (a threeway with another man or watching you with someone else) is a very common fantasy for men, number two behind a threeway with another woman. I certainly don't get the pyscology of it all but it is hot.

 

Good luck. Hope this helps you. And remember - neither of you should be "disturbed" about talking about your fantasies with each other. That is true initmacy isn't it? To be totally open to each other, to bear your souls. Be glad he was wiling to be that open with you.

 

Maybe it's just a defense against cheating in his mind, that sooner or later you would, so better to do it in the open. If that's his thinking then don't do it. But if he really will enjoy it, consider it.

[Flyin in Clouds]

Don't do it. It would be the end of your relationship. He's having a fantasy, but a lot of times, when fantasy becomes reality, it changes your relationship forever. You'll lose all respect for him and you'll end up feeling cheap and used. You'll resent him for thinking so lowly of you that he's "pimping" you out.

 

Talk to him or end it. Then find someone that will respect you AND your body.

What you say is true for most people, but not for ALL people.

 

There are those that live the hotwife / cuckold lifestyles, enjoy themselves and have good relationships. It does change a relationship but it does not always have to be negative.

 

For those that are "conventional" or vanilla it is hard to understand and believe not all others aren't "wired" just like they are. But some people are different.

[Flyin in Clouds]

No man would want to sit there and watch someone they love get Boinked by another man!!! Now you know so get out now!!!!

Ha... actually there are far more men that do like it than you'd ever imagine. Go to the other site (ourhotwives) and read.

[Chi townD]

Ha... actually there are far more men that do like it than you'd ever imagine. Go to the other site (ourhotwives) and read.

 

 

Okay, but maybe you should go back and read a lot of threads on THIS site were couples started the swinging lifestyle and are now seperated or divorced.

 

Couples start out okay and set rules that they follow e.i. no kissing. Next thing you know the guy looks over his wife or GF is locking lips with a dude. Ask them about it later, they were sorry, they were caught up in the moment...blah..blah...

 

A lot of times, the man or woman secretly starts to desire the lover more than their spouses and start getting together in more private surroundings and their relationship starts to spiral out of control....THIS happens more than your hotwife site.

[Distant78]

Agreed. That's why open relationships/marriages are bad because it's nothing but infidelity with your partner knowing you're screwing someone else. It starts well when you're screwing people you're attracted to, then it goes back to cheating without your partner knowing. The rule of no kissing is baloney. You can't have good sex and not want to kiss them especially if it's the woman getting fuuckked. They like a lot of cuddling and kissing during and after hot sex. It's kind of like some form of reassurance to them. Open relationships/marriages are nothing but some "justification" to screw others and they result in breakups/divorces almost every time. Same as when 2 cheaters get together after breaking up with their betrayed spouses. They rarely last.

[EasyHeart]

I don't think it matters whether this "hot wives" lifestyle is good or bad or normal or weird or whatever. I think the real point is that the OP is obviously not interested in it. Or even comfortable with it.

 

It seems to me that any sexual fetish like this must be something that BOTH people are not only "okay" with, but they must both be eager and enthusiastic about it. Pushing or coercing the other person into will not work, nor will it work if the other person isn't really into it.

 

For instance, if my partner has a fetish where she wants me to kiss her feet, I can do that with no problem, even if it doesn't do anything for me. But if my partner wants me to screw someone else (or she wants to screw someone else), then we'd both better get off on it or it's going to lead to disaster.

[paleblue]

im not sure if he has some kind of weird psychological problem, or if he just doesnt care that much about you. either one, it's not cool. and i dont think he is ultimately going to make a good long term loving faithful partner for you. its only been 4 months and you are hearing this? run. just run.

 

most guys dont want another guy touching their woman, or vise versa. so when you hear stuff like this something is very off. it is an indicator of bigger issues. and it will cause bigger problems in the future. dont get too deep, or you will get hurt worse. sorry.

[seekingunderstanding]

Okay, I thought I was with the times. Call me old fashion but, I always believed that making love to a person is the most intimate way of expressing that love. When two people can come together when they are the most vulnerable and physically express that love...well...there's nothing greater in the world to me.

 

Now, your boyfriend wants to share you with another, to me (being old fashion that I am) it seems like he really doesn't repect you as a person and a girlfriend. And to be honest, it sounds like you are intrigued with this idea. So, what does that say on how you truely feel about your boyfriend?

 

Also, I could be wrong. But, I get the feeling that this has already happened.

 

Don't forget who the OP is! I'm not the one disagreeing with you. I agree with you fully. I'm absolutely heartbroken and feel degraded.. the gift of my exclusivity and my body was rejected and not treated with value. I gave that with my heart. The worst part is that he makes me feel like I'm a freak for having any feelings on the issue... I tried to understand him while dealing with my own feelings.. but I'm not allowed to have feelings. For a while there I actually wondered if there's something wrong with me. It's making me question my reality.

If I AM wrong, I must be REALLY crazy because it feels really terrible and I can't twist my mind to feel good about it.

 

No I haven't done it.

[seekingunderstanding]

Thanks everyone..

 

Yea one piece to the puzzle that is important is that he kept claiming it's for me. Despite the fact that I have shown over and over again that I strongly require monogomy, I believe that the exclusive right to touch my body is a special gift given with the heart, I respect my body (and for me that involves not banging two guys one after the other), and I want a relationship in which no one comes between us in that intimacy space. I've explained that something fundamental would be broken for me if either of us were touched by anyone else.

 

He kept insisting this is for me.. a supportive and kind offer. I've made it clear that what he's offering isn't something I would want and isn't a kind offer. It's an offer for me to do something that would hurt me.

Anyway I wrote a note explaining the areas I'm struggling with and that I hope to find a solution. He's completely shut me out for quite some time now because he doesn't want problems.. no idea if he's thinking we've broken up, and I can move on.

He's very emotionally unavailable... there have been some pretty horrible episodes of him ditching me when I dared have a need. (I'm very very independent)

Above and beyond that, he treats me like a crazy person for personally needing a monogamous relationship. I've been putting so much energy and focus on understanding HIM, while I'm being punished for feeling differently than him. I want a little understanding.. so I thank all of you who have shared some with me!

Ultimately, I think he should find someone who's not into monogamy like I am. I think I've been the wrong girl for him from the start.

[Chi townD]

Wow! That is awesome. I truely have a great amount of respect for you and the decision that you've made for yourself. You've made it clear that you need a man that is not only going to love and respect you, but also love and respect your body.

 

I'm really proud of you.

[michaelhopes]

Wow is right.......

Good for you

 

There's a guy out there for you

Take your time.....choose wisely