I hate my husband's friend.

[jstcrazy]

Hi I have a dilima and I am not sure how to handle it.

 

My husband has been friends with the person I'm writing about since he was in high school, about nine years. Not close friends, but friends none the less. In fact she was "Best friends" with his ex.

 

She moved away about the time my relationship started with my husband and I met her for the first time after he and I had been married a year, when she came back to visit. I'd heard about her from my husband who still kept in contact with her. In fact, after he and I married (eloped), she chose to do the same thing with her husband, same date different month.

 

I have only been living in this area for a few years years and I am a rather shy person and don't make friends easily, much to my husband's chagrin, so it was convenient to make friends with this girl. She lived far away anyway. She was three months pregnantegnate when she came to visit and I had just found out I was...this became a bonding point. (However I lost the child)...She and I established e-mail contact.

 

She kept lamenting how she wanted to move back to the area, but she and her husband needed help moving (her being pregnant and all)...So my husband (who works 12 hour days 6 days a week) and I took a one way flight to meet them and drove them back 1500 miles in less than 2 days amidst a great deal of complaining by her, granted she was pregnant but some of her whining was very unreasonable. Alarm bells were going off, but I was so relieved to have a female friend I ignored it.

 

She was always complaining how her parents would treat her badly (I know now it's because they know her ways and are sick of it). She constantly was borrowing things from me...and never returning them (to this day she has SEVERAL items of mine, many which are sentimenal which she will not return, and I caught her stealing from me as well). She would copy everything I did, down to hair cut, perfume I wore, style of clothing, which really creeped me out. She even wanted to name her new kitten the same name as my cat...very weird.

 

She would pour her troubles, deep, horrible psychological troubles out on me. I suggested often (because our time together was always turning into a counseling session), that she needed to speak to a therapist. But she would say "I'd rather not talk to a stranger about these things...I'd rather talk to my friends". I began to feel like her garbage can.

 

I witnessed how she would use her other friends and talk behind their backs when they refused to acquiesce to her wants and expectations. I began garnering a great distaste for her...But my husband (who calls her a piece of crap behind HER back) was so happy that we all got along. He developed a good friendship with her husband and liked the little gatherings we had. Though once, she chewed me out for having conversations with her husband and ignoring her, but, having a history with my husband would completely cut me their conversations.

 

She got a free turkey and suggested we have a "Thanksgiving" together sometime after the real holiday. She had to work the day we planned but was going to come over that evening...she only supplied the turkey, which was free...I supplied everything else. I spent the day slaving over the stove, taking care of HER child, putting up with HER husband, my husband and taking care of my stepson. She walked in that evening, sat down complained that she was BEAT from working a 6 hour day(she had a very cushy job too) and never helped at all...not even with clean up, then didn't even say thank you after. I wondered why I was letting her do this to me!!

 

Then my mother died! My husband and I had to fly 2400 miles to her funeral. Obviously it was devistating, and I was in dire need of support. The day after I returned my friend called me. She needed a ride to the doctor's office (she had to have a check up on a knee injury). I took her. Spent time I should have been resting as I was increadibly drained and ill, with her at the doctor. I asked her if she would please spend the evening with me because I didn't want to be alone. I felt sick and dizzy, the world kept spinning around me. I felt like passing out. She told me. "I just don't feel like it, sorry". I didn't see her again after that. She would call me because her husband wanted to move back to his home state, agonizing about if she should go or not. I told her often that I was still trying to recover from my mother's death but she'd say "You should help me decide on what to do, that will get your mind off of things." Finally she decided they were going to stay...her grandmother was going to help her and her husband get a house (actually was going to live with them in said house).

 

The final straw was when she called me up all in a fit because one of her other friend's (my husband's ex, who she always expected me to bash..and who I refuse to bash), wasn't doing back flips at the fact she was getting a house. The conversation progressed into something about an incident which happened over the summer...I'd injured myself and acted like a baby (breaking your arm when you have no insurance and are laid off on a job is enough to make pain even worse than normal)....She intimated that she knows my husband better than I do and how I should have acted to manipulate him better (Oh yes which reminds me, all through our relationship she was constantly encouraging me to lie to my husband, as she does to hers, and then she'd tell me that she could have "had" my husband, and spewed stories about him asking her to live with him, though I knew it was a lie because he and I had already made plans for me to move). She then said a few more insulting things (which it wasn't uncommon for her to put me down)...then proceeded to tell me my decision to try to have another child was wrong, that my motives were wrong (because my mother had just died) and that she'd need ear plugs in the delivery room because I'd be screaming (which isn't like me on the norm..I have a high pain tolerance, which anyone who knows me...knows) I decided then and there that enough was enough. I wasn't going to take anymore. In fact one of the last thing my mother said to me was "Why are you friends with this girl? It's not like you to let people use you for a garbage dump)

 

I thought about how to cut ties, for my own sake I knew I'd have to be immediate or I'd lose courage and not do it. I thought about telling her why, but know it would just "hurt" her and why should I air all my grievences just to make myself feel better (and give her ammunition to manipulate others with, ie my husband ex)? I stopped answering her calls and deleted her emails.

 

She contacted my husband a few months later because things in her life gone bad (from the email she wrote, which he in turn sent me). It seems she and her husband wanted the house all to themselves. The deal of Grandma living with them was forgotten and changed to that she was only supposed to be staying with them occasionally. The grandmother, who was angry at being used as she was, decided to sell HER house out from under them, so they had to move back to her husband's home state.

 

She began to bug my husband about me (I NEVER talked to my husband about her, I only told him that I didn't want anything to do with her and why). When she began to whine him, she kept asking why I wasn't talking to her (telling him, however, that she knew why) and pulling a pity party on him, making me look like the bad guy. He got angry at me and asked why I was putting him in the middle of this. I responded that I wasn't putting him in the middle that she was, and that I'd rather he didn't have anything to do with her, but if he felt he had to, that he should simply refuse to discuss me. Still, I am the bad guy in his point of view....He feels like I am putting him in a bad situation because I don't wish to have a relationship with her.....I think he shouldn't even have anything to do with her considering, and am upset that he can be manipulated by her and that he even DISCUSSES me with her.

 

My husband is dysfunctional I know...he will admit that he likes talking to her because she's such a complete mess it amuses him.....but it hurts me that he would value her friendship over my feelings. Am I wrong for ejecting this person from my life? Am I putting my husband in the middle even though I don't discuss her, ask about her, though I haven't demanded he has no contact with her? I do ask him not to discuss me with her, but I know he does. He refuses to discuss the matter with me. His continued contact with her garners her belief that "he loves her" as she told me many times...I know he doesn't. I know his motives, but it gives her a superiority over me that pisses me off and my husband doesn't understand.

 

Should I have told her exactally why I wanted no more contact with her??? If I hadn't have broken it off like I did...I would have gone on being used and abused until I cracked.....and my husband continuing a friendship with this poisonous person is driving me insane!!!!!!!

 

Am I a rotten person for not wanting contact, friendship....anything to do with this wretched girl? Aghhhh Someone give me their point of veiw.

[supermom]

You did the right thing by breaking it off with her, but does your husband know exactly what she has said to you regarding him? I would think that HE would be mad at her as well if he knew what she was saying to you.

 

It sounds as if she doesn't quite know how to handle friendship. Friendship is a two way street. I do however think you should email her exactly what is going on, so that way maybe she will realize how her actons affect other people.

 

good luck

[jstcrazy]

Supermom - Thanks for the quick response. Yes in fact I told my husband everything. I told him even before I cut off the friendship. He would just laugh and say, "well she's certainly pathetic". She does play the pathos pretty well, she'll get people feeling sorry for her and yes the way she acts around men is completely different than the face she shows women. My husband almost scoffs at the stories I've told him and says, "she's not like that, I've known her longer than you". My husband is pretty naive too, sweet but just a little dim about the nature of people. But it hurts that he takes her side. I'm his wife. I would not lie to him about such things, I would not lie about her actions, and yet he treats me and as told me that I am immature about the situation.

 

I think she is perfectly aware of what her actions have caused. She was always regaling me with stories of "friends who'd done her wrong"...which I bought lock stock and barrel until I started realizing exactally why these "friends" cut ties with her. I know more than one of these friends have let fly exactally as I could. And even threatened police action to get the property she "borrowed" back from her. So I feel that if I outline exactally why I want nothing to do with the black hole that she'll just play the poor pittiful me act on someone else saying....."another friend used and abused me". I warned her and her husband quite often that I was not a garbage can, and her husband knows why I cut the friendship off, but I wouldn't remain in contact with him, as I don't feel its appropriate.

 

I really did weigh everything that I knew before I made the judgement to cut off the friendship. I didn't do it arbitrarily, even though it might sound as though I did.

 

My husband was upset that I cut the friendship off so abruptly (or cut it off at all)) and said he had no idea that I had negative feelings for her, even though I'd been telling him of my distaste for her, for months. I even have journal entries asking myself why I continued with this friendship.

[supermom]

Ask your husband, "what if the tables were turned?" Do you think that he'd be mad if you took the side of a male friend over his? Especially when the "friend" is trying to create a bad situation in your home life.

 

Your husband needs to get a backbone (sorry) with her and defend you because YOU ARE HIS WIFE!

 

I hope you win in this situation because from what I know and don't know about the situation she could be the beginning of a homewrecker, even if it is NOT an affair. I would be PISSED if my husband acted like that, and my husband has a good friend that's a woman and I'm ok about it because she's my friend too.

 

I think that I would make it clear to her to stop talking s&^t about you to YOUR HUSBAND and that she needs to back off. Sounds like she is crazy.

 

Or maybe tell her husband that she is confiding in YOUR husband and see if he takes come control of the situation with you. Maybe some teamwork would help too.

 

Good luck

[purpleturtle]

Woah! I'm shocked that you didn't run away screaming sooner!

This girl is in need of some serious help.Too bad that your hubby doesn't see the games that shes playing and just cut her loose too.In time this will only get worse and he'll have to choose.

She sounds like she enjoys taunting you with the possiblities of them hooking up behind your back.He needs to ditch her fast before she gets in between you both with her lies and drama.

[spencer]

it was time to put the garbage out.

hi boys and girls ....can you say white trash pick up day

[hopeless]

I do not believe it is fair or proper for men to have close female friends while in relationship. It always, IMHO and experience, leads to grief. He is cheating on u emotionally, he should only be close with you. He needs male friends, not more almost lovers.

 

I think his friendship with her has got to go. Its not fair to you. I am on your side here.

[jstcrazy]

Thank you all for your input. I find it very comforting that you all agree with me....as my husband thinks I am unreasonable and immature in my feelings about this situation.

 

I would have responded to you all sooner but I just recently gave birth to a baby boy...with some complications. I have asked my husband not to divulge information about him and myself, HOWEVER I am positive that he has....a.) sent her pictures...probably even forwarded to her the ones my sister sent to him and I and b.) told her all about his emergency hospital stay (he had to be readmitted to the hospital for 48 hours when he was 5 days old due to a fever). I can tell by his actions...he mentioned her to me the other night and I could just tell...He's pretty easily read.

 

The thing is I don't think he cares how much it hurts me that he choses a friendship with this person over me. I am almost at the point where I want to lay down an ultimatum, it's either HER or ME...what's his choice. But you know what? He would just say that I am crazy or immature about the situation. The truth is he simply doesn't listen to me. I wish he'd realize how MUCH this HURTS ME!!!!!!!!!!!! He makes me look like a fool! Here this girl is thinking "HA HA HA he loves me SO much that he would FORSAKE his WIFE just for a friendship with me."

 

Do you think I am wrong to put my foot down and demand that it's either a friendship with her or his marriage? The thing is I think he would be friends with her even behind my back and it makes me sick...and YES even though there is no sexual contact I DO FEEL that he is cheating on me...emotionally with her.

 

AND if I asked him about the tables being turned he'd just say "I wouldn't mind" just to justify his actions. I have a close male friend that I have pretty much ceased contact with because I don't think it's appropriate. ONLY my husband says its a different situation because I've never met my male friend, we've only known each other online for the past 5 years....but I have basically ceased communications except for the occasional email with him.......and my husband doesn't care.

 

Again I say, he obviously doesn't care how badly this hurts me....and how sick to my stomach it makes me.

[Sitka_Ice]

This is an email I found pls someone tell me is this ok for a husband to do he says their is nothing wrong with him doing this........

 

 

on the ferry in alaska i got u that beer in skagway and we were getting real hot and bothered i was i know how about you write back i will be in bellingham on tuesday the 20th ok

 

someone pls help me with this im frustrated and upset and not sure how to really handle in a sensible way....

[supermom]

Do you think I am wrong to put my foot down and demand that it's either a friendship with her or his marriage? The thing is I think he would be friends with her even behind my back and it makes me sick...and YES even though there is no sexual contact I DO FEEL that he is cheating on me...emotionally with her.

 

Its not wrong of you because it is affecting your marriage. Like I said in earlier posts to this - My husband has a woman friend, I'm ok friend w/ her but she doesn't talk bad about me as far as I know - my husband wouldn't put up w/ it (I would think!)

 

Anyway, if she starting interfering in my marriage I would tell him me or her.

 

YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT GIRL - STICK UP FOR YOURSELF.

 

Or call her yourself - I would but thats just me.

 

Good luck

[supermom]

This is an email I found pls someone tell me is this ok for a husband to do he says their is nothing wrong with him doing this........

 

 

on the ferry in alaska i got u that beer in skagway and we were getting real hot and bothered i was i know how about you write back i will be in bellingham on tuesday the 20th ok

 

someone pls help me with this im frustrated and upset and not sure how to really handle in a sensible way....

 

I would kick my husband's a$$ if I found this! WTF was he doing to get "hot and bothered".

 

Sounds like an affair, sorry to say. He is acting and saying it's okay because he doesn't want to get caught.

 

Tell him you didn't just fall off the turnip truck yesterday and that it is obviously not an appropriate email.

 

Or do the same to him...make up a name and "accidently" send it to his email. When he asks you about it just say "it's ok for you right?" Let him know it was a joke (later so it's not a big issue for you to have to deal with) but tell him if he gets upset, see how he likes it, maybe he'd consider your feelings more.

 

Good luck