Should I move?

[LoveStruck11]

My bf and I have known each other for years but just made things official 6 months ago. We've been long distance for the majority of the time (a few hours apart) because we both attend different universities; however, we've managed to talk every day and visit at least every two-three weeks.

 

We're both completely set on our relationship and have no real doubts about it. After so many years of getting to know each other and trying to deal with other relationships, we both knew deep down that we liked each other. In the end, we finally got together, and it's been the best decision yet.

 

However, due to work, he's going to be moving to a small country in Africa for the next year and half. He leaves in about a month. I still have another semester of school to do. He's really unsure of how we're going to be able to communicate. He doesn't know what his options are right now so communication might be limited, which will definitely make things a little more complicated in our LDR.

 

I'm considering moving there as soon as my semester is over.. so we would only have to deal with it for about 6 months versus a year and half. He says that he'd love to have me there with him more than anything, but it is Africa.. he doesn't want to be selfish and force me to give up my goals (i was considering grad school next fall) for him and his career. He's afraid I'll end up hating it there, regretting my decision, and blaming him for it.

 

However, I'm completely fine with moving. I'd like to be with him, regardless of which country we end up in. In the end, it's always better when we're together so I'd like to make that happen. The only issue is finding a job there as well. My parents are ok with me moving and understand completely, but they'd like for me to work as well while I'm out there. I'm still looking into that problem but so far, I'm still unsure about it.

 

I'm just wondering what everyone's opinion is on the situation.. would it be crazy to move to Africa for the year with him once I'm done with school? do you think it's best we stick out the year and half even though communication will be limited or should I make the move?

[aerogurl87]

If you can find a job that will help with the career that you want to do, I'd do it. Grad school is important but work experience is important as well since it'll give you a good idea if that's actually the field you want to work in. So if you can find a job there, I'd move if it were me.

[creighton0123]

"However, due to work, he's going to be moving to a small country in Africa for the next year and half. He leaves in about a month. I still have another semester of school to do. He's really unsure of how we're going to be able to communicate."

 

The benefit, either way, is that the two of you have an end-date in mind. You know that after a year and a half, the LDR has the potential to simply become the R.

 

You wrote "We're both completely set on our relationship and have no real doubts about it". Many long distance don't start on such solid ground.

 

I wouldn't rush into any quick decisions. You have a semester left, so you're going to be in a long distance relationship for six months at least. Don't cut your options short. If you are thinking about graduate school, apply to various programs. If you're considering looking for work, apply for jobs both domestic and near him.

 

Get your passport in order. Depending on what country he is in (you just said "small country, but most countries in Africa are small), you might find immigration policy to be extremely difficult, with some not accepting foreign visitors on a passport or for a duration greater than 1 to 3 months. You might not be able to stay there for an entire year without a workers visa and you surely wouldn't want to blow all of your passport time for the year on only one trip.

 

If you play all of your cards so that you're not left without options, you'll have a better idea in two or three months what level of communication he can commit to. Suggested ideas are (in order of helpfulness):

 

Skype with video cam

Voice chat

IM client

youTube videos

media snail mail

written letters

postcards

 

Despite lacking regular access to the internet, there's no reason in the advent of modern technology that the two of you can't exchange face/voice communication on a regular basis. A good DVR camera + cheap USB key to snail mail back and forth is better than written letter.

 

Whether you find a way to go to Africa for the full year or not, an additional year is not that long. You'll find that days go slowly, but time flies by, especially if both of you share your lives with one another on a regular basis in some way, shape, or form.

 

It won't be easy to find a job, especially one that will be near him. Try looking into ESL (english as a second language) programs. They often don't require any knowledge of the local language and are good options for short-term jobs and great experiences.

[yah]

I think people will give different answers based on where they are in life. It's easy to say you'll can pack up and move if you don't have much to give up.

 

How old are you? I'm guessing pretty young at 21 if you have a yr left at uni. How "serious" is your relationship? Not just how much you feel for each other, but more like, where do you see this relationship going 1yr from now if you moved with or not? 3yrs? Will moving have an impact in the long run? How seriously do you want to go to grad school? Can you find meaningful work directly related to your study there if you forgo grad school at the moment? What are your finances like if you moved and cannot support yourself? What recourse would you have if you two were to break up while there?

 

These were the questions I asked myself when I faced the same situation. Unlike you, I was actually engaged to the guy. I was 22, in my 2nd yr of grad school, when my ex-fiance had to move indefinitely (military). I had thoughts of, "well, I love him and will follow him anywhere, period." But I didn't, and I'm really glad I stayed. I had to find my own independence first. I had something established and didn't want to ruin what I had already built up for myself.

 

In your case, since its a 1yr move and you are soon to be in a transitional phase, I would consider how much moving would impact YOU, not your relationship, but YOU and the life you imagined. If you have not yet started on a career path, OK, I can see treating it like a 1yr-off-school kinda thing but if you've got a lot to give up, I would re-think it. I know you'll say you love him but objectively, you are very young (I'm guessing) and you've only been dating 6 months, there is so much time.

[LoveStruck11]

If you can find a job that will help with the career that you want to do, I'd do it. Grad school is important but work experience is important as well since it'll give you a good idea if that's actually the field you want to work in. So if you can find a job there, I'd move if it were me.

aero, him and i have very similar majors so if i do end up moving there i can more than likely work for the same company as him. i've looked into ESL teaching programs as well but haven't found any.. probably since it's such a small country along the west coast (equatorial guinea).

[LoveStruck11]

"However, due to work, he's going to be moving to a small country in Africa for the next year and half. He leaves in about a month. I still have another semester of school to do. He's really unsure of how we're going to be able to communicate."

 

The benefit, either way, is that the two of you have an end-date in mind. You know that after a year and a half, the LDR has the potential to simply become the R.

 

You wrote "We're both completely set on our relationship and have no real doubts about it". Many long distance don't start on such solid ground.

 

I wouldn't rush into any quick decisions. You have a semester left, so you're going to be in a long distance relationship for six months at least. Don't cut your options short. If you are thinking about graduate school, apply to various programs. If you're considering looking for work, apply for jobs both domestic and near him.

 

Get your passport in order. Depending on what country he is in (you just said "small country, but most countries in Africa are small), you might find immigration policy to be extremely difficult, with some not accepting foreign visitors on a passport or for a duration greater than 1 to 3 months. You might not be able to stay there for an entire year without a workers visa and you surely wouldn't want to blow all of your passport time for the year on only one trip.

 

If you play all of your cards so that you're not left without options, you'll have a better idea in two or three months what level of communication he can commit to. Suggested ideas are (in order of helpfulness):

 

Skype with video cam

Voice chat

IM client

youTube videos

media snail mail

written letters

postcards

 

Despite lacking regular access to the internet, there's no reason in the advent of modern technology that the two of you can't exchange face/voice communication on a regular basis. A good DVR camera + cheap USB key to snail mail back and forth is better than written letter.

 

Whether you find a way to go to Africa for the full year or not, an additional year is not that long. You'll find that days go slowly, but time flies by, especially if both of you share your lives with one another on a regular basis in some way, shape, or form.

 

It won't be easy to find a job, especially one that will be near him. Try looking into ESL (english as a second language) programs. They often don't require any knowledge of the local language and are good options for short-term jobs and great experiences.

The only problem is that it is for sure going to be a year and half before he comes home, but if he’s still unable to find something better, he might end up going back to work there.

 

 

I’m applying to grad school no matter what so that I do have options in case I do end up feeling as though Africa would be a bad decision. I’m looking at various positions here and near him; however, I haven’t been able to find much there.

 

 

I have my passport set from past travels. I’d be moving to Equatorial Guinea and from what I understand according to the embassy website, U.S. citizens do not need visas to go there. I need to look through it again though to see if being there for a year would change that.

 

 

I agree with you, I have six months before I graduate so we’ll be able to figure out how often we can talk as time goes on. The DVR camera + USB key is a really great idea; thank you!

 

I realize that it’ll be difficult, but I think he’s more worried about the separation than I am, probably because it’s going to be a lot harder on him since he’ll be the one in Africa busy at work while I’m here in the U.S.

 

I’ve looked into ESL programs but haven’t found much. I’ve also looked into working at the embassy but the primary languages there are Spanish and French. I’m still a beginner in French, but my Spanish is about Intermediate, which unfortunately still isn’t good enough for the embassy.

[LoveStruck11]

I think people will give different answers based on where they are in life. It's easy to say you'll can pack up and move if you don't have much to give up.

 

How old are you? I'm guessing pretty young at 21 if you have a yr left at uni. How "serious" is your relationship? Not just how much you feel for each other, but more like, where do you see this relationship going 1yr from now if you moved with or not? 3yrs? Will moving have an impact in the long run? How seriously do you want to go to grad school? Can you find meaningful work directly related to your study there if you forgo grad school at the moment? What are your finances like if you moved and cannot support yourself? What recourse would you have if you two were to break up while there?

 

These were the questions I asked myself when I faced the same situation. Unlike you, I was actually engaged to the guy. I was 22, in my 2nd yr of grad school, when my ex-fiance had to move indefinitely (military). I had thoughts of, "well, I love him and will follow him anywhere, period." But I didn't, and I'm really glad I stayed. I had to find my own independence first. I had something established and didn't want to ruin what I had already built up for myself.

 

In your case, since its a 1yr move and you are soon to be in a transitional phase, I would consider how much moving would impact YOU, not your relationship, but YOU and the life you imagined. If you have not yet started on a career path, OK, I can see treating it like a 1yr-off-school kinda thing but if you've got a lot to give up, I would re-think it. I know you'll say you love him but objectively, you are very young (I'm guessing) and you've only been dating 6 months, there is so much time.

@font-face { font-family: "Cambria"; }p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 12pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; }div.Section1 { page: Section1; } I’m definitely really young, I’ll be 21 by the time I graduate and he’s 24. It’s very serious, and we see each other getting married once we have everything set and established back in the states. We ultimately want to settle back down in the U.S. so I definitely see us married three years from now. I realize that we are very young, but we have grown up together. I’m also a first generation U.S. citizen. He moved here when he was really young and became a citizen. Our families are from the same country so we also have the same culture, traditions and religion. We both speak the same foreign language and have the same mindset for what we want in a relationship and family.

 

The only issue I see is the finances. My parents will pay for me to go and give me some money; however, ultimately I think I’ll have to take care of my own expenses once the money that they gave me runs out. That’s why if I do go both my parents and I want for me to have a position set out there so that I can support myself. I don’t want to have to depend on him, for obvious reasons that we never know what could happen and that we could actually end up breaking up. If we did break up and I wanted to come back to the states immediately, my parents would pay for my ticket back, no questions asked. They won’t be fully supporting me financially once I’m gone because I am old enough to take care of myself and my bills; however, if I do need their help, they’ll definitely be there for me.

 

I have not established my career path just yet. I have an internship that I’m doing but that will end regardless once I graduate because it is in the city that I’m currently going to school at and I don’t plan on staying there past graduation.

[joeLove]

If I were you, I would look for a job in the private sector as well. Guinea is an oil rich country, with plenty of companies (American ) engaged in the exploration and exploitation of oil and natural gas.

Have you also looked at things like the Peace Corps, or Teaching for America(?) programs, which send folks in different countries?

How about the neighboring countries? Would you consider that an option to actually move to one of them (Gabon, Cameroon, Congo)? Some are pretty decent, although I don't how easy it would be to go from one of them to Guinea ...