What Would You Do?

[Lance]

I've recently become engaged to a very beautiful lady on the outside but I'm know second guessing myself as her inside is starting to show. I have a child from a previous marriage she hasn't been married and has no children. She recently asked me 2 give up coaching my daughter's softball team so we could spend more time together in our 1st yr of marriage. She doesn't want me going from work to practice then be too tired to spend quality time with her when I get home and also to sit with her in the stands at the game vs being on the filed or in the dugout w/my child. She is know even making me feel guilty for calling my child when I'm with her because my ex answers and then I'm quizzed about our conversation. She even went as far as to question how many times I would my daughter while on our honeymoon because again she doesn't want me talking w/my ex when she answers the phone, she says it would ruin HER honeymoon. I know have an internal conflict going on....when I'm with my fiance I feel guilty being away from my daughter. The wedding is only a month away and everything is paid for but now that the ring is on her finger I feel she is trying to take control. My daughter is my flesh and blood and she will always be my #1 priority. I know my new wife to be should also be #1 but this doesn't seem normal. I feel she is using her good looks to try and control the situation as she knows that's what has always gotten her what she wants. What should I do...I do love her but don't want to go through another divorce. I've talked to her about this and she says that my ex and I had our chance alone w/o kids involved that she deserves that also...well she knew up front how important my realtionship with my daughter is and that I refuse to hate my ex. I want to teach my daughter that just beacuse the marriage didn't work that you don't have to hate someone especially her mom. Help me quick I don't know what to do!!!!

[Tony T]

You say you don't know what to do but you absolutely do know. Your daughter is numero uno in this and all other deals.

 

Your fiance is a selfish, self-centered, inconsiderate bxtch and it's highly unlikely she will change. The cost of finding out was a ring. Let her keep it. See if you can get a refund on the honeymoon...if not, take your daughter with you on a vacation or save it for a worthy companion.

 

By finding out where this lady is coming from in time, you have spared yourself a great deal of pain and suffering. If you think she resents your daughter now, the problem will be worse later.

 

When you tell her to hit the road, be kind and tell her you really don't want to take any special times away from her. Let her find somebody else to make miserable.

 

You will have ties with the mother of your daughter until the end of time. Your fiance shows a pathetic lack of maturity and enormous ignorance for not realizing this fact and for not understanding just how important your daughter is.

 

I am very proud that you are so caring for your daughter. A lot of very selfish men might have put their beautiful bxtch first and neglected their child. You are doing the right thing and that's great.

 

Let me tell you right now...there are a lot of wonderful ladies who are not nearly as selfish as this sorry excuse you have now for a fiance and they will accept you and your daughter on an equal basis and have no problem with you communicating with or visiting with you daughter or having her stay with you.

 

I also think it was very low class, lower than any animal in the zoo, to wait until the two of you were engaged to show her butt and let you know how she felt about having your daughter involved in your life. That is sssoooooooo scummy!!!

 

Turn off your computer, call your fiance and tell her it's all off...that you have very deep and sacred obligations to your daughter that transcend any loyalty to such a selfish human being. (Nah, don't tell her that, but think it). You have my unconditional guarantee...she will be so happy to keep the nice ring she will forget about the whole thing in no time. If she cared anything about you at all, she would love and accept your daughter as well.

 

Tell me the truth...you were kidding when you said you didn't know what to do here???

[annie]

Lance, from a woman's point of view - I have to agree with Tony - let her keep the ring - and get out while the getting is good. One thing you may want to think about is if you and she were to have a child together - can you imagine the battle zone you're facing? Since she is using the term "HER" honeymoon - then let her take one all by herself. There would be constant friction if you had a child with this woman - because she would want you to spend all your time with "HER" child. Children have it hard enough when parents divorce, and need to know that just because mommy and daddy divorced - it doesn't mean that either of you divorce the child. And, it's actually healthy to be on good terms with your ex because of the child you and she had together. She wants you to give up coaching your daughter's softball team for her? What other concessions does she have in mind for you after you say I do? Best of luck to you - and God bless you for loving your child enough to let go of such a selfish, petty, immature woman.

I've recently become engaged to a very beautiful lady on the outside but I'm know second guessing myself as her inside is starting to show. I have a child from a previous marriage she hasn't been married and has no children. She recently asked me 2 give up coaching my daughter's softball team so we could spend more time together in our 1st yr of marriage. She doesn't want me going from work to practice then be too tired to spend quality time with her when I get home and also to sit with her in the stands at the game vs being on the filed or in the dugout w/my child. She is know even making me feel guilty for calling my child when I'm with her because my ex answers and then I'm quizzed about our conversation. She even went as far as to question how many times I would my daughter while on our honeymoon because again she doesn't want me talking w/my ex when she answers the phone, she says it would ruin HER honeymoon. I know have an internal conflict going on....when I'm with my fiance I feel guilty being away from my daughter. The wedding is only a month away and everything is paid for but now that the ring is on her finger I feel she is trying to take control. My daughter is my flesh and blood and she will always be my #1 priority. I know my new wife to be should also be #1 but this doesn't seem normal. I feel she is using her good looks to try and control the situation as she knows that's what has always gotten her what she wants. What should I do...I do love her but don't want to go through another divorce. I've talked to her about this and she says that my ex and I had our chance alone w/o kids involved that she deserves that also...well she knew up front how important my realtionship with my daughter is and that I refuse to hate my ex. I want to teach my daughter that just beacuse the marriage didn't work that you don't have to hate someone especially her mom. Help me quick I don't know what to do!!!!

[Barbie]

I've recently become engaged to a very beautiful lady on the outside but I'm know second guessing myself as her inside is starting to show. I have a child from a previous marriage she hasn't been married and has no children. She recently asked me 2 give up coaching my daughter's softball team so we could spend more time together in our 1st yr of marriage. She doesn't want me going from work to practice then be too tired to spend quality time with her when I get home and also to sit with her in the stands at the game vs being on the filed or in the dugout w/my child. She is know even making me feel guilty for calling my child when I'm with her because my ex answers and then I'm quizzed about our conversation. She even went as far as to question how many times I would my daughter while on our honeymoon because again she doesn't want me talking w/my ex when she answers the phone, she says it would ruin HER honeymoon. I know have an internal conflict going on....when I'm with my fiance I feel guilty being away from my daughter. The wedding is only a month away and everything is paid for but now that the ring is on her finger I feel she is trying to take control. My daughter is my flesh and blood and she will always be my #1 priority. I know my new wife to be should also be #1 but this doesn't seem normal. I feel she is using her good looks to try and control the situation as she knows that's what has always gotten her what she wants. What should I do...I do love her but don't want to go through another divorce. I've talked to her about this and she says that my ex and I had our chance alone w/o kids involved that she deserves that also...well she knew up front how important my realtionship with my daughter is and that I refuse to hate my ex. I want to teach my daughter that just beacuse the marriage didn't work that you don't have to hate someone especially her mom. Help me quick I don't know what to do!!!!

Your fiancee needs to understand that your daughter is the most important part of your life. She's the adult here and she knew that you were close to your daughter when you first got together. If she is so insecure about your relationship with her and the relationship that you have with your ex wife that she won't even let you speak to your daughter then she's the one with the problen and she better correct it before the wedding or the marriage is doomed to failure. You should neveer have to choose between your wife and your child.

[janie]

ya know i think you are fighting a losing battle, love can only go so far. i found humor reading this post cause i thought for a minute you were talking about me. i am that way too all though not as bad as i use to be. i am now 43 and i use to be that bad back in my 20's while going out with this guy who had a daughter. him and his wife were not even on good terms and i hated it when he went to pick her up, i drilled him endlessly, poor guy. after all these years, i have worked on my jealsousy and control and insecurity to not much avail. i am still the same person only with a larger perspective on my self. i find it so hard to change and i honestly don't know how people do it (change), take some advise to someone who could be your finance's twin, get rid of her. even if she was willing

 

to forgo the counseling thing and get help, it will be years before you notice any changes and the wait will be excruiating painful. good luck! and God bless, and take care of your little first! your flesh and blood little girl, not your finance little girl.

Your fiancee needs to understand that your daughter is the most important part of your life. She's the adult here and she knew that you were close to your daughter when you first got together. If she is so insecure about your relationship with her and the relationship that you have with your ex wife that she won't even let you speak to your daughter then she's the one with the problen and she better correct it before the wedding or the marriage is doomed to failure. You should neveer have to choose between your wife and your child.