Friend at work

[shibby45]

There is a woman at work whom I am friends with. She is very flirtatious and we spend a lot of time together at work. Some weekends we go out for drinks, and we've talked about doing other things together. She has a boyfriend whom she says is "obsessive", and she doesn't seem to be too keen on staying in that relationship. I just can't tell if her flirting is her signal to me to save her from this relationship, or if she is just being friendly. By flirting, I mean rubbing legs, hanging on to me and playful hitting. They all seem like good signs to me.. but what do I say or do? Do I keep flirting back, signaling my interest? Or do I tell her that I might be interested in more than just a friendship?

 

People seem to be warm to the idea of confessing ones feelings early in a relationship, but I've gone through one bad experience that way, and I don't want it to happen again. I've also been through numerous friendships where I say nothing at all, and are doomed to the friend zone. I just want to play this one the "right" way.

[Timbo]

Think about it this way: Do you want to waste time? Just tell her what you are thinking and see where it goes. You are much better off getting it out in the open early on.

[Trippitaka]

I think this is a tricky one. I was in a similar situation and I made the decision not to say anything at that point. I figured that I may be rejected because of the fact that she was seeing someone else and even if there were a point in the future where it could happen, telling all at that stage might ruin those chances.

 

Then I reached a point where she was no longer seeing the other guy (after I'd known her for five months.) I gave it about another month and then told her exactly how I felt. I was met with the old "don't want to lose you as a friend" routine. This is still ongoing, so I can't yet tell you if my tactic worked or not, but it's not looking good.

 

So for what it's worth, I would advise not confessing everything right now. Remain a friend. Be flirtatious, though, and return any signals you get. The important thing is to not treat her as an ordinary friend however. Speak to her as if you are dating, ie always focus on positives, let her know how exciting your life is, don't bring up your problems or speak much about past relationships, always concentrate on her when you're together, look into her eyes a lot, (more than you would a friend), don't let yourself be put into the role, (for whatever reason this may happen,) of the shoulder to cry on, don't always be available, (as a good friend would be,) and so on and so forth. When you do see her outside of work, try to make it exciting - don't always do the exact same thing in the exact same place, think of new things all the time to keep her interested - as you would if you were dating.

 

That's how I see it, anyway. If you think this relationship of hers is likely to end I think you will be in a better position letting her do that for other reasons without piling all the pressure on her of having to decide between you and him. Then again, who am I to talk? I played mine this way and it's looking like it's not going to happen. Every situation's different, though. Good luck.

[shibby45]

I think that's great advice. I know that I probably posted just so I could see someone write what I wanted to read. I have a tendency to bring up past girlfriends though, subconsciously maybe it's because I'm trying to make her jealous. It doesn't change the fact that I'm currently single though. I've also told her that no girl has ever broken up with me (the truth), it's always been the other way around, and I think that intrigues her. For now though, I will remain flirtatious, teasing almost, but at the same time pretending that I'm not too interested. For once, it's time for the guy to take the reigns. Thanks again.

 

PS if anyone else has shared a similar experience (which generally would serve as pretty solid advice) I'd like to hear about it.

[shibby45]

a guy at work was talking to her, asking her to compare him and i in terms of "looks". i found this out when i called her later that night, and she became pretty much nontalkative, and i said "you're being awfully quiet, i'll let you go". we both agreed that it was weird that this guy would say that, and he's even married. she told me to have a nice night and that she would see me tomorrow.

 

i don't quite know what to make of this. should i have said something about it, or was it ok to just leave it as being "weird"?

[Trippitaka]

I guess this could mean any number of things and I know that I'm one to often jump to the wrong conclusion, but to me it seems odd that she would even bring this up with you, as it could get pretty uncomfortable.

 

My suspicion would be either that the answer to this question would land in your favour. What I mean is, if what she was thinking was that this other guy was the better looking, then she never would have brought it up for fear of getting an uncomfortable question from you. Maybe she didn't have a set opinion, but she obviously wants you to know that the subject has been broached, maybe to kind of 'test the water' and see what your reaction to this is. Again, it's possibilities, but this could imply some level of interest.

 

I may be wrong, but just in case I'm not I don't think it would harm to act positively if she mentions this again. Maybe ask her what her answer would be in a joky kind of way - see how she reacts.

[MeToo]

What do you do?

Do you talk too early in the “friendship” (because that’s all it is right now) or you wait (as Trippitaka did).

There are no easy answer to this one. But there are sighs and “statements” revealed to you by her that should be evaluated. One of the pitfalls (most women) revealed is “he is this and he does that”. The flags should go up for you. Try not to (and I do mean try) comment when she reveal these facts (or myths). She might be searching for an answer to her present “woes” with the other half.

 

The flirtations from what you posted add a fair amount of “uncertainty” to this friendship. Only you can decipher the level of this flirtation. Get back with more ‘sighs” from her. This a very interesting 'combination" she is presenting.