Sea of IDK

[TerryW]

How do you handle all of the I don't know questions? I'm bombarded with questions like "When did he start all of this?" "Will he do it again?" "Should I just leave?" "Would I be better off alone?" "What about my children?" "Will my son see me as weak because I chose to stay?" "Will I ever get over this?" My answers to all of these are always "I don't know". To go from being (perceived) so safe and secure to adrift in the sea of IDK is killing me. Yes, I have asked and talked to him about this fear but as we all know cheaters are liars. I'm a person who likes to have her ducks in a row and everything in its place but I can't do that with this situation. Just thinking about the uncertainty puts a knot in my stomach. I do understand that life is uncertain but I do like to have a plan or backup in place to alleviate the fear. How do you handle the uncertainty of this situation? Thanks for your reply.

[Spark1111]

Terry, you live your life with as much purpose, ambition and resolve as you possibly can.

 

Get your ducks in a row. Is that a job? More education? Money in the bank for you alone?

 

Start now. Start today.

 

You may never fully regain trust in your spouse. Trust yourself. Gain confidence in yourself. Live your life as fully as possible, for yourself and your children.

 

Hope for the best. Prepare for the worst. Plan a wonderful future, with or without him.

[TerryW]

Thanks, Spark for your reply. I have gone back to college. I do try to concentrate on the only thing that I know for sure.....College is good for me. It gets me out of the house, it builds my confidence and it provides security in the future. Thanks for reminding me of that!

[YellowShark]

That was the worst part for me. The IDK.

 

After so long of being able to trust her I couldn't anymore. I couldn't trust my emotional and financial partner 100% anymore. It is an awful feeling. Do I make plans for a future together? Or do I not? Is she lying to me? Or is she not? It ate me up inside.

 

To add insult to injury she gaslit me saying my "trust and jealousy issues" were driving a wedge between us,.. when in fact it was her affair, lies, and sneaking around that drove the wedge between us. It was two levels of emotional abuse. 1) the IDK after the affair, 2) the gaslighting after the affair. It drove me nuts.

 

Now that I am gone - (after her second affair ) - I see the truth, and have been freed from the IDK.

 

So all I can say is I know what you mean TerryW, the WS generally doesn't care or appreciate the mental anguish they put you through when they throw the family under a bus for their affair partner.

[2sunny]

if they "don't know" - then how can they fix things, change things - to be sure it never happens again?

 

they can't... or won't! SO... it is up to YOU to change things, for YOU!

 

so what is THAT change going to look like for you?

 

that is what YOU need to be asking of YOURSELF... your happiness is not based upon what someone else does - or doesn't do... THAT is up to YOU!

[Linda9999]

I'm still in the midst of the IDK's. Although I have managed to answer some of those questions. Counseling helped a LOT. Gave me clarity I wasn't finding on my own.