Yes, it's me looking for more advice on overcoming insecurity/demon thoughts

[Thinkalot]

OK, here goes, another one of Thinkalot's little obsessing triggers. Embarassing for me to admit? YES! But where else can I admit these things, and receive good, understanding advice? So...here it is:

 

I am uncomfortable with the fact that my partner and his ex-wife, lost their virginity together when they were only 15 and 16. I am uncomfortable with that because it's not what I did. I had all these high morals and standards (plus I was a regular church goer then) and I waited until I was 21, nearly 22, before I had sex, within a serious relationship. I thought only 'cheap' people had sex young in school.

 

Rationally, I know that lots of people have sex young. I also know that my partner and his ex were in a relationship at the time, and it wasn't anything cheap and nasty. But still, I feel uncomfortable about it.

 

The other reason I am quite uncomfortable, or even threatened I guess, is that initially I convinced myself it would have been clumsy teenage sex, especially the first time. But my partner tells me, that no it wasn't. It was good, tender and loving...it just worked out for them. He told me this because I asked, and we were once discussing our 'first time'. My first time was a bit painful, and uncomfortable. I had placed so much emphasis on the event, that I found it hard to relax.

 

My anxious feelings about this, and obsessive thoughts are stupid. I know that. I have a man who loves me dearly NOW and a great life. Nevertheless, when these thoughts come in (less often, sure, but they still do) they hit me with a bang. I feel sick in my stomach.I have visual images of them together. They can be triggered sometimes by simply seeing a young teenage couple kissing for heaven's sake!!!!!!

 

I haven't written about this in detail before, because I was too embarassed to admit it, even on here, and because I have given advice to people with similar issues before! But sometimes spitting it out does help.

 

The thing is, I have come so far. So many things like this which used to play over and over in my mind, are now gone..and no longer plague me. I am calmer, I am in love, I am happy. I ask less questions. I now sleep through the night, instead of laying awake with obsessive thoughts running through my head. I laugh and smile more again, and can think of normal things. So I REALLY WANT TO LET THIS ONE GO TOO!!! I mean, we are talking about an experience which happened 16 years ago!

 

I've written the questions down in my questions book, I've told myself that our sex life is the best ever (my guy has told me this many times). I've told myself we all have different paths in life, and that they are all OK, and that we all have a past, and that I too have had varied sexual experiences. I've told myself the past has made my guy into the person I love today. Doing all these things does make the thoughts calm down , and eventually go away.

 

But how can I stop them from coming in at all?? Will they stop in time? Is there anything else you can think of that I can be doing, or any other way of viewing this scenario? Do you have some more rational thoughts or ways of looking at the issue that I can add to my arsenal?

 

In case you're wondering, I'm writing this now, because the thoughts hit me out of the blue yesterday. I got through it without carrying on...but gee, it sux when it happens.

 

Thanks.

[Kat]

I lost my virginity at a young age to someone who I didn't care about. My partner was the one who waited until later in life and lost it with his ex.

 

Doesn't matter what happens we still feel these insecurities

 

You just need to have communication *hugs*

[moimeme]

Thinkalot -

 

But how can I stop them from coming in at all?? Will they stop in time? Is there anything else you can think of that I can be doing, or any other way of viewing this scenario?

 

Your therapist would be the best person to ask these questions of.

 

You have to pull back. None of this has anything to do with the issues. It is all about the obsessive thinking.

Ever see a farce or cartoon in which someone pushes a bureau drawer shut and another opens or the protagonist plugs one leak and another starts? Or, for another analogy, it's like trying to move mercury; every time you try, it slides out of grasp.

 

The basic compulsion, as I understand it, is the compulsion to have a compulsion. That is what you are really battling and why you have to deal with your doctor. I understand these can be shut down completely, but it might require more or different meds or other treatments You're trying to plug the leaks as they pop out, but what needs to be relieved is the pressure of the dam behind.

[Thinkalot]

Yes, Merry- tackle the source! As usual, you are on the money. I am trying to do that as well, and plug the leaks as they appear so we all stay sane in my household.

 

And Kat, thanks for that. I guess you are right. My partner has had issues with MY sexual past too. So I guess that's a case in point.

[meanon]

You are making swift progress, Thinkalot. Don't set your standards so high you get worried when you can't achieve them. Just as the other worries passed, this one will too. It will either go completely or it will lose it's power to disturb you - become a thought that appears and disappears without any obsessive worrying.

Your methods of dealing with the thoughts are working, they calm you. Try all the techniques you've learned to get rid of it.

 

The initial thought is one many people will have - anxiety about a lover's sexual past, how they compare etc. It's just that you have difficulty getting rid of it. You have a list of many sensible reasons why it's an unfounded worry.

 

It may also be about control. Your sexual past represents no threat because you feel it, you know it to be absolutely true. With his sexual past you have to trust him when he tells you the sex with you is better, that he doesn't love her, that he loves you. You believe him but you don't know it to the same degree of certainty - a risk, a threat. The fact that it's different to your experience makes it more difficult - the effect is less known to you. That's why it's so frustrating for partners - it feels like a lack of trust. Really what you are grappling with is that there are no guarantees in life, all the reassurance from him will not eliminate this fact.

 

Thinkalot, you know your love is strong. Love can and does stand the test of time. I'm sure yours will. You will get rid of these worries, you've seen off so many others. It's just a matter of time.

[gaia]

Hello Thinkalot

 

I know you felt embarrassed posting this, but really there's no need. I've certainly had the same thoughts and I think lots of people who don't have any obsessive problems have too.

 

I think meanon has a point with the control issue. You know that he has nothing to worry about regarding your sexual past, but short of mind-reading you can never be 100% sure what someone else is thinking. And I know from experience that sometimes it feels like only 100% will do! Point is, it's unattainable and striving for it will get you nowhere (except unhappy).

 

My OCD has switched from one thing to another so many times it's unbelievable. Moi is right when she says you have to deal with the thought not the issue. In the past, I know that I have turned "rationalising" my thoughts into rituals. For days at a time, I'd replay the same lists of "evidence" over and over because it made me feel better (for a matter of minutes!).

 

The problem is that this just perpetuates the intrusive thoughts. It's the equivalent of someone checking the door's locked 16 times or repeated hand-washing in someone who obsesses about contamination.

 

When something triggers the thought or the image of your BFs sexual past, resist the temptation to trawl through the list of evidence in your head. I expect you already have it written down somewhere. If not doing it at all is too hard, read it through at intervals - like the time you set aside for worry.

 

I know how hard this is, Thinkalot. I really do. Keep fighting it - it will not bother you for ever. And stop feeling bad every time you have a set-back. Your progress is remarkable.

[Thinkalot]

Aaahhhh, sigh. Thanks all for holding my hand again. It does help. Sometimes it really does feel like, as moimeme said, one drawer closes, another draw opens! The sex past draw just opens more than the others...lol!

[Samson]

With a heavy sigh I approach the keyboard to reply to;

 

But how can I stop them from coming in at all?? Will they stop in time?

 

By "them" you mean thoughts about your bf's experiences w/ex. Travel, lovemaking, funloving, wonderful experiences. You also admit being better able to control your behavior despite these thoughts. Sounds like you've probably come a long way.

 

But I do not think we can control our thoughts, but instead can control how we react to them.

 

It would seem to me that bf has also shared some unpleasentness between himself and ex (or she wouldn't be his ex). Why not record his rendition of these events and listen to them over and over. Brainwash yourself!

[Thinkalot]

You could be on to something there Samson

 

I have actually done something like what you suggest (although not to the brainwashing extent..lol!)...in that I have written down all the wonderful things we experience, things new to us, things which are even better than either of us have known before etc...and tried to look at the actual 'reality'. He does not think badly of his ex, and thinks she is a nice person. BUT she is not someone he would ever fully trust again, for example, because she cheated on him. I also remind myself that,by his own accounts to me, he and I have a lot more in common and so on.

 

That has been part of my therapy along the way. Changing negatives into positives. Finding a new way of looking at things and so on. My very patient bf has even helped me, by writing things down with me in lists (a suggestion from a counsellor).

 

I just get frustrated with myself from time to time, and spit out my feelings on here. I appreciate you taking the time to continue to respond. I still do find it embarassing to admit these things. And even though it may seem like I have come a long way, I have been dealing with this for a while, one way or the other, and it really is a big F--KING PAIN !

[meanon]

LOL WE HEAR YOU

 

Originally posted my Thinkalot; November 2003

I am in a happy long term relationship of 2 years and my bf and I hope to get married in a year or so. The problem is, like others I have read on this site, I am obsessed with his ex(wife), what sort of relationship they had, what she was like, what she looked like, what their sex was like..etc! They met in school and were married 6 years.

 

My mind races all the time, wondering about these things in his past and her, and if it isn't one subject, it's another, maybe even as simple, as what bank they used, or how they worked things out when they split up etc... Sometimes I keep it to myself, other times I pester my bf with questions, to which I usually don't want to hear the answer (and which aren't relevant to us today!). This causes distance between us and is upsetting us both. My bf has told me he loves me more than he's loved anyone.

 

My problem is driving me crazy, and also driving my boyfriend crazy. I want to get on with things and let the past go. I realise a lot of it comes from my own jealousy and insecurity. How do I make the thoughts and questions which run through my head STOP?! I have tried thinking of other things, focussing on the present, and also counselling, which has helped a bit, but not entirely.

 

Any thoughts?

 

I know it's a pain. But look how far you've come. Vent but don't lose heart.

[Thinkalot]

Thanks meanon. Putting the black and white facts in front of me is one way of reminding me what a bad place I was in just four months ago, compared to now, when I still struggle a bit, but so much less. My days are not filled with these thoughts and I am truly HAPPY for the first time in quite a while.

 

Mmmm ...that was a smart move meanon!...when I cast my mind back to that time, I was a real basket case much of the time, and my partner did nearly leave.

 

I sit here now reflecting and it is very CLEAR to me how far I have come, and how much we have also grown together as a couple.

[gaia]

But I do not think we can control our thoughts, but instead can control how we react to them. - Samson

 

This is so true. So the daft thoughts will always pop up, but we won't always let them get to us.