phillyfan Posted December 14, 2010 Share Posted December 14, 2010 Men are kinda logical, u have an affair cause u want an affair. You like the feelin of the sex, risk, etc, so u wanna hold on to it so u do some ego strokin, a little tellin her yea baby I love u, standard stuff. An affair is extra to ur wife, EXTRA not a replacement, if a man wants a wife he gets married if a man wants an affair (extra) he keeps the wife but looks for anotha secret woman too. What i dont get - why do some women on here think 'he wants me as a mistress therefore one day I mite be his wife'. It is like watchin football and expectin it to become baseball cause u want it to, it dont make logical sense. Not criticisin BTW, and dont go sayin its his silky words LOL u all must know that stuff is just what guys have said since puberty, to get a little skirt chasin on Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted December 14, 2010 Share Posted December 14, 2010 Feelings. When I was an OW, it was just an affair to me. I would never have thought to look for a husband amongst a group which is not legally allowed to marry (bigamy is illegal in my country). But I also never got attached. I had the "in love" feelings, but no real love attachment and could walk at any time. Some MM develop feelings too and then things get even more complicated for them. But many men who decide to have an affair, keep it confined to an affair, like I did, and plan to stay married. Women, it seems, are less likely to keep their feelings of attachment confined, even when the circumstances are yelling at them that they should. Link to post Share on other sites
pink smartie Posted December 14, 2010 Share Posted December 14, 2010 People have affairs for multiple reasons. Your analysis only takes into consideration the WS who cheat because they find it thrilling. Your understanding of men's psyche also reduces their motives to sex. Life is more complex. That's why many OW get stuck in unhealthy relationships. Some people have affairs as a way out of relationships. I should know. MM left his wife 4 months ago. Link to post Share on other sites
siuys Posted December 14, 2010 Share Posted December 14, 2010 Not sure I agree that ALL men think and do the same just to get a little sex and fun on the side. I know for sure my own father did not. He was deeply unhappy but was unable to D for financial reasons, not until he left the country where we lived. I don't believe anyone really wants to play second fiddle. Maybe some women are happy to be OW and have a little fun, but I think once you fall for the guy and there are feelings involved, it is not that simple just to walk away. You start to think perhaps there is a possibility there with this man. That's when it gets blurry. You are in an A, but you want to be in an R or more. I wouldn't say xMM was in the A with me coz he wanted to have a piece of cake. Maybe he did initially. I think he didn't use his BRAIN in the beginning. I think we both just went for it without giving it a thought. Then we fell in love. That's when the **** in the fan, not when the A is discovered (no d-day, just my opinion on my own situation). I wanted more, and he did too but unable to move and unsure coz he is either not ready, or not unhappy enough in his M. Who knows but I don't believe all men are liars just to get laid. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted December 14, 2010 Share Posted December 14, 2010 Not sure I agree that ALL men think and do the same just to get a little sex and fun on the side. No, but let's say an A has been dragging on for, oh, 5 years or more. What would you say about the MP in THAT situation? Link to post Share on other sites
siuys Posted December 14, 2010 Share Posted December 14, 2010 I don't know, donna. Maybe some MMs on here can enlighten us. Am sure there will always be some men who want to cake eat and nothing else, but it's like any A/R, it's a two-way street... Link to post Share on other sites
jthorne Posted December 14, 2010 Share Posted December 14, 2010 Men are kinda logical, u have an affair cause u want an affair. You like the feelin of the sex, risk, etc, so u wanna hold on to it so u do some ego strokin, a little tellin her yea baby I love u, standard stuff. An affair is extra to ur wife, EXTRA not a replacement, if a man wants a wife he gets married if a man wants an affair (extra) he keeps the wife but looks for anotha secret woman too. What i dont get - why do some women on here think 'he wants me as a mistress therefore one day I mite be his wife'. It is like watchin football and expectin it to become baseball cause u want it to, it dont make logical sense. Not criticisin BTW, and dont go sayin its his silky words LOL u all must know that stuff is just what guys have said since puberty, to get a little skirt chasin on Oh, but don't you see, sex causes the release of bonding hormones, and then they just can't help it, but they fall in love with each other. Somebody said it here before, and it bears repeating- it doesn't cost a WS a dang thing to say I love you, or to send a "thinking of you" text, or to tell the OW that they are their soulmate, blah blah blah. Some OW choose to believe it in order to stay in the A, and accept less than a normal out-in-public relationship. These guys get away with saying but not doing, you wit me? Now, there are some OW that think that the fact that the MM risks his M to see the OW means that they mean something to them. Surely, a man wouldn't risk his M if the loooovvve wasn't there, right? For many MM, the risk is the juice. Did I just tell you anything you don't already know? Prolly not. Link to post Share on other sites
Heather1 Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 To me, it was just an A & I never wanted "more." Our deal is his guilt & how I get the heave ho every time we have mind blowing S. That's the part I can't handle, it's a friggin roller coaster! But if he wasn't like that & I could just live in our fantasy world, I would do that for as long as I could. I don't ever want to be married again & it is what it is. My question to you is then....what's w/ the MM guilt? That's what killed us. Or is that just a bunch of BS? Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 Crap better enlighten my MM has he left the marriage and is divorcing! I guess he didn't get the MM handbook. Bastard! Link to post Share on other sites
jthorne Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 Crap better enlighten my MM has he left the marriage and is divorcing! I guess he didn't get the MM handbook. Bastard!How do you know he didn't? Link to post Share on other sites
IzzyB Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 To me, it was just an A & I never wanted "more." Our deal is his guilt & how I get the heave ho every time we have mind blowing S. That's the part I can't handle, it's a friggin roller coaster! But if he wasn't like that & I could just live in our fantasy world, I would do that for as long as I could. I don't ever want to be married again & it is what it is. My question to you is then....what's w/ the MM guilt? That's what killed us. Or is that just a bunch of BS? Me too. I just wanted an affair (sexless marriage on my end) and he fell in love! So then he had trouble meeting up too much because he was so conflicted because of his feelings. Truth is, some MM do seek out affairs for reasons other than sex. I think my EXmm was looking for a way out but was too chicken to be honest with his wife and too chicken to do anything about it. HE actually mislead ME with his intentions, ie. i was in it for the sex, and he wanted to fall in love and run away together. Oh, but he wouldnt do that either. Good thing I never wanted that. Link to post Share on other sites
SoMovinOn Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 I'm not having an affair because of the sex or the thrill. I'm having an affair because neither I nor my MOW are divorced yet, and we won't be for some time. Our options were to wait until we both got divorced and "do it right", do nothing (i.e. not talk to each other or have any type of relationship at all), just be friends and hang out once in a while, or, have an affair until we both get divorced. We initially decided not to, but eventually, chose the last option. It's far from ideal, but, it allows us to spend some time together for now. One of her funniest lines ever, although she was dead serious, was when she said we are in a committed relationship - just the four of us! Link to post Share on other sites
wheelwright Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 Oh, but don't you see, sex causes the release of bonding hormones, and then they just can't help it, but they fall in love with each other. Now, there are some OW that think that the fact that the MM risks his M to see the OW means that they mean something to them. Surely, a man wouldn't risk his M if the loooovvve wasn't there, right? For many MM, the risk is the juice. Did I just tell you anything you don't already know? Prolly not. Just like childbirth hormones do? I just couldn't help it, my child was the all to me. Oh woops, just hormones. Go careful on the hormones argument. Love is still misunderstood (self-admittedly by scientists). Make sure you understand, before you talk. Cos love is not hormones, and though they may sit together, all who have experienced the difference are in the'know' there. Link to post Share on other sites
jthorne Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 Just like childbirth hormones do? I just couldn't help it, my child was the all to me. Oh woops, just hormones. Go careful on the hormones argument. Love is still misunderstood (self-admittedly by scientists). Make sure you understand, before you talk. Cos love is not hormones, and though they may sit together, all who have experienced the difference are in the'know' there.LOL. It wasn't I that made the "hormones argument". It was a CURRENT OW. I simply repeated it with a small measure of sarcasm. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 Men are kinda logical, u have an affair cause u want an affair. You like the feelin of the sex, risk, etc, so u wanna hold on to it so u do some ego strokin, a little tellin her yea baby I love u, standard stuff. An affair is extra to ur wife, EXTRA not a replacement, if a man wants a wife he gets married if a man wants an affair (extra) he keeps the wife but looks for anotha secret woman too. What i dont get - why do some women on here think 'he wants me as a mistress therefore one day I mite be his wife'. It is like watchin football and expectin it to become baseball cause u want it to, it dont make logical sense. Not criticisin BTW, and dont go sayin its his silky words LOL u all must know that stuff is just what guys have said since puberty, to get a little skirt chasin on Wow, I guess there are still some cavement out there after all! Quick, call the archaeologists!! Link to post Share on other sites
frenchiefun Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 Men are kinda logical, u have an affair cause u want an affair. You like the feelin of the sex, risk, etc, so u wanna hold on to it so u do some ego strokin, a little tellin her yea baby I love u, standard stuff. An affair is extra to ur wife, EXTRA not a replacement, if a man wants a wife he gets married if a man wants an affair (extra) he keeps the wife but looks for anotha secret woman too. What i dont get - why do some women on here think 'he wants me as a mistress therefore one day I mite be his wife'. It is like watchin football and expectin it to become baseball cause u want it to, it dont make logical sense. Not criticisin BTW, and dont go sayin its his silky words LOL u all must know that stuff is just what guys have said since puberty, to get a little skirt chasin on It might start out that way, but doesn't always stay that way...it might surprise you to know that some men are actually capable of strong emotions like love and have these feelings for their OW. And not all OW want to be their wife... Link to post Share on other sites
Author phillyfan Posted December 15, 2010 Author Share Posted December 15, 2010 People have affairs for multiple reasons. Your analysis only takes into consideration the WS who cheat because they find it thrilling. Your understanding of men's psyche also reduces their motives to sex. Life is more complex. That's why many OW get stuck in unhealthy relationships. Some people have affairs as a way out of relationships. I should know. MM left his wife 4 months ago. I wudnt call my ramblings analysis, thatd be a bit kind lol I get my psyche, I know what I like LOL but fair point mayb not all men r like me but I reckon they are mostly like me LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Author phillyfan Posted December 15, 2010 Author Share Posted December 15, 2010 Wow, I guess there are still some cavement out there after all! Quick, call the archaeologists!! LOL serious us men r more basic than u think I reckon, u women give us 2 much credit, like we r thinkin of stuff in a complex way, when really we r just thinkin with whats in our pants :D Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 And not all OW want to be their wife... I agree. There's usually ONE party in the situation who is only in it for the thrill. Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 LOL serious us men r more basic than u think I reckon, u women give us 2 much credit, like we r thinkin of stuff in a complex way, when really we r just thinkin with whats in our pants :D Men and women do view relationships very differently. Not saying that men are always in relationships just for the sex, but they seem to look at emotional matters differently. Philly, it is often lamented on here that too few men post. So thank you for sharing your POV. It might not be popular or what some people want hear, but it is more realistic than what many of us women are thinking when we try to dissect our men and our relationships. If men and women thought the same all the time, there wouldn't be a need for these types of relationship boards and heck, relationships would be easy! Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 Hi philly. I think you make some valid points. Most men need to be physically attracted to a woman to pursue any kind of relationship with her. Most women need an emotional attraction to a man before pursuing a physical relationship with him. So does the guy initially push her emotional buttons in hopes of it becoming physical for him? (His end goal?) Does she then eventually become physical with him in an effort to continue the emotional stroking? Do the lines of need-feeding blur to the point that some would even call this love? Give me emotional, I'll give you sexual, so I get more emotionally connected and then you get more sexually connected. Yes, I think so. If this is not often the case, all men should stop the flattery, compliments, and attention; all women should stop meeting men's physical needs for awhile. Hmmmmm....given this test, how long would many relationships last, do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Author phillyfan Posted December 15, 2010 Author Share Posted December 15, 2010 Somebody said it here before, and it bears repeating- it doesn't cost a WS a dang thing to say I love you, or to send a "thinking of you" text, or to tell the OW that they are their soulmate, blah blah blah. I am down with this...I used to be a big playa and so many guys think like this, its all good, say whateva, it dont cost a thing, and it gets the girl really into u. Its s**tty and I dont do that s*it anymore but girls in my past probly coulda posted a whole lot of what is posted on this forum, 'but he said he loves me why dont he return my calls, oh yea he is only with her cause she is psycho and leavin her rite now will hurt her its me he loves really, he cant leave cos of job/car/aliens whatever etc, but he says im his future wife, etc' (hey im not proud, dont do it anymore). Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 And of course, the inverse is true too! Want to wrap a man around your little finger? Tell him how wonderful he is. Make it a point to always appreciate every little thing he does for you. Ask him for advice to make him feel important (whether you follow it or not.) And frequently surprise him with mind-blowing oral...... Every woman knows this! Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 And frequently surprise him with mind-blowing oral...... Every woman knows this!This most DEFINITELY bears repeating! Link to post Share on other sites
Author phillyfan Posted December 15, 2010 Author Share Posted December 15, 2010 So does the guy initially push her emotional buttons in hopes of it becoming physical for him? (His end goal?) This is kinda standard play, right? I thought this is pretty much what dating is LOL. If this is not often the case, all men should stop the flattery, compliments, and attention; all women should stop meeting men's physical needs for awhile. Hmmmmm....given this test, how long would many relationships last, do you think? Yea for sure, they wudnt last cos theyre not relationships in the 1st place really are they... Link to post Share on other sites
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