If its an affair why think its more?

[ladydesigner]

All things orchestrated to make you feel oh-so special, to keep the A going. Just words, miminal effort and a great payoff for a MM. It's all designed to keep an OW happy, so she doesn't find some other guy to ego-stroke, admire and have sex with. And it is manipulative on OM's part, especially when he knows that he is never leaving his marriage. It shows a disregard for OW, because he doesn't care that he is wasting her time, he doesn't care that he is keeping her from finding a real partner, he just wants to make sure his "supply" is available when he needs it. He will use her until she is all used up because it is easier to keep her than find and groom a new OW.

 

It bothered the wife because she wants romance, too. Most women want the perfect, sweet, romantic guy that most men pretend to be in the beginning of an R. But he doesn't feel driven to butter up the wife with words because in his mind, she's not going anywhere and he doesn't have to make an effort. With the wife, he's already BTDT.

 

Yes, MM do make efforts to make OW feel special and wanted, but it is not a reflection of his love for them, nor does it mean they want to leave their M. This is what most OW do not get. It's ALL about the OM. It's not about the specific woman and who she really is, what she really feels or the "connection"...it about the role she is willing to play. She is not perfect for OM because of who she is- she is perfect for OM simply because she is willing to be OW and that is what he wants in his life ATM.

 

This is a very good post. Spot on I think.

[donnamaybe]

All things orchestrated to make you feel oh-so special, to keep the A going. Just words, miminal effort and a great payoff for a MM. It's all designed to keep an OW happy, so she doesn't find some other guy to ego-stroke, admire and have sex with. And it is manipulative on OM's part, especially when he knows that he is never leaving his marriage. It shows a disregard for OW, because he doesn't care that he is wasting her time, he doesn't care that he is keeping her from finding a real partner, he just wants to make sure his "supply" is available when he needs it. He will use her until she is all used up because it is easier to keep her than find and groom a new OW.

 

It bothered the wife because she wants romance, too. Most women want the perfect, sweet, romantic guy that most men pretend to be in the beginning of an R. But he doesn't feel driven to butter up the wife with words because in his mind, she's not going anywhere and he doesn't have to make an effort. With the wife, he's already BTDT.

 

Yes, MM do make efforts to make OW feel special and wanted, but it is not a reflection of his love for them, nor does it mean they want to leave their M. This is what most OW do not get. It's ALL about the OM. It's not about the specific woman and who she really is, what she really feels or the "connection"...it about the role she is willing to play. She is not perfect for OM because of who she is- she is perfect for OM simply because she is willing to be OW and that is what he wants in his life ATM.

Wow. Well written and, IMO, quite the truth in MOST A cases.

[Lauriebell82]

:lmao: Some As, perhaps... The only person who controlled my As was me!

 

Actually you weren't. MM was the one who made the decision to leave, if he hadn't you'd still be the OW, would you not?

[bentnotbroken]

I specifically worded my response so it would include the level of sex for a myriad of couples. Some people are not able to have sex but it's vital to build the intimacy somehow and the sex can easily change.

 

There are very few couples who no longer care to have sex. One or the other maybe but not many who both agree to it.

 

And as I said sex is not the 1 thing holding a relationship together but it is exactly as important as the rest of it and it always will be.

 

 

I read what you wrote and I stand by my posts. Sex isn't as important as respect, honor, dignity, fidelity,trust and intimacy(born from the other aspects).

[Heather1]

Yes, MM do make efforts to make OW feel special and wanted, but it is not a reflection of his love for them, nor does it mean they want to leave their M. This is what most OW do not get. It's ALL about the OM. It's not about the specific woman and who she really is, what she really feels or the "connection"...it about the role she is willing to play. She is not perfect for OM because of who she is- she is perfect for OM simply because she is willing to be OW and that is what he wants in his life ATM.

 

HELLOOOOOO, It's an A!!! The person is MARRIED.....HELLLLOOOOOO!!!

 

I say we all just play smart & call it for what it is!! If, by some weird chance it happens to be more, yay, but don't bank on it.

 

I'm guilty of wasting my time on the drama of this. Honestly, I think he shoots me out a couple of messages a day & I'm forgotten the second he's in his real M, complete w/ in-laws that live w/ him, etc..

 

I think us women who have put OURSELVES knowingly in this position should make every effort to think like a man about this. Stroke the ego, get some great sex, not get caught & when the timer goes off, clean break.

 

I'm sorry if I sound so cold about this, but marriages are shorter than some of our A's!

 

We are doing the wrong thing!! That doesn't = happily ever after.

[OWoman]

Actually you weren't. MM was the one who made the decision to leave, if he hadn't you'd still be the OW, would you not?

 

No. Having decided we wanted to be together - if he then decided he didn't want that after all, I'd have moved on. I'm not the clingy type. If he didn't want me at least as much as I wanted him, why would I stick around? It's not as though I don't have options...

[jthorne]

No. Having decided we wanted to be together - if he then decided he didn't want that after all, I'd have moved on. I'm not the clingy type. If he didn't want me at least as much as I wanted him, why would I stick around? It's not as though I don't have options...

I think you just called a lot of OW clingy.

[OWoman]

I think you just called a lot of OW clingy.

 

You think erroneously. I was speaking of my own situation, where we both decided we wanted to be together, and undertook to act on that. If he had then backed down from that, it would have sent me a clear signal that his love for me was not what he'd declared, and I'd have accepted that and moved on.

 

I can't speak for anyone else's situation as I don't know what undertakings, understandings or negotiations have been agreed, nor what the interpersonal dynamics are. Only they can answer that. Some may indeed be clingy, others may be cool headed and rational in their choices, IDK. Only they, or others close enough to them IRL to know those nuances, could answer that.

 

Nice try attempting to provoke hostility, though

[jthorne]

You think erroneously. I was speaking of my own situation, where we both decided we wanted to be together, and undertook to act on that. If he had then backed down from that, it would have sent me a clear signal that his love for me was not what he'd declared, and I'd have accepted that and moved on.

 

I can't speak for anyone else's situation as I don't know what undertakings, understandings or negotiations have been agreed, nor what the interpersonal dynamics are. Only they can answer that. Some may indeed be clingy, others may be cool headed and rational in their choices, IDK. Only they, or others close enough to them IRL to know those nuances, could answer that.

 

Nice try attempting to provoke hostility, though

No attempt intended. It is my understanding that many OW here see you as a beacon of hope, and would like the relate their situation to yours.

[Summer Breeze]

I read what you wrote and I stand by my posts. Sex isn't as important as respect, honor, dignity, fidelity,trust and intimacy(born from the other aspects).

 

You stand strong girl. Have to mention I just did a quick look through all sorts of rooms in this forum and a few others I regularly visit and the score I came up with after 10 minutes was 59 topics about lack of sex in Rs and 0 about lack of respect or honor or dignity or fidelity in Rs. Intimacy from other aspects doesn't come close to the intimacy created with physicality.

 

You stand where you are and I'll stand where I am. Sex (in whatever variation a couple can achieve it) is as important in an R as any other aspect.

[Summer Breeze]

I think you just called a lot of OW clingy.

 

That must have been a record breaking leap. Hope you phoned Guinness.

 

She said she wasn't clingy. Does that automatically make all other OW clingy?

 

When I was an OW I was a blonde. Does that make the rest of them brunettes?

[Summer Breeze]

No attempt intended. It is my understanding that many OW here see you as a beacon of hope, and would like the relate their situation to yours.

 

You may not have intended it but you talk about a beacon. Your comment stuck out like a lighthouse.

 

And what would other OW looking up to the poster OW have to do with anything? I'm really struggling to see why you needed to toss that in like some misguided missile.

[woinlove]

That must have been a record breaking leap. Hope you phoned Guinness.

 

She said she wasn't clingy. Does that automatically make all other OW clingy?

 

When I was an OW I was a blonde. Does that make the rest of them brunettes?

 

 

I'm ready to believe the clingy statement was a non sequitor - easy enough to when typing on the fly. But it stuck out to me too. Why put the statement you are non-clingy in the middle of a brief explanation of why you would not stick around as OW once you decide you want to be with MM? It made it seem like being non-clingy somehow made it unlikely one would stick around as an OW.

[Summer Breeze]

I'm ready to believe the clingy statement was a non sequitor - easy enough to when typing on the fly. But it stuck out to me too. Why put the statement you are non-clingy in the middle of a brief explanation of why you would not stick around as OW once you decide you want to be with MM? It made it seem like being non-clingy somehow made it unlikely one would stick around as an OW.

 

Because she isn't clingy in any aspect of her life. I don't see where her declaration that she isn't a clingy person automatically allows the assumption she feels all OW are. As far as why put it in-because she was talking about herself and thought it was an apt description of her.

 

Won't say anymore as I feel like I'm stepping into OWomans business and I don't intend to be.

[bentnotbroken]

You stand strong girl. Have to mention I just did a quick look through all sorts of rooms in this forum and a few others I regularly visit and the score I came up with after 10 minutes was 59 topics about lack of sex in Rs and 0 about lack of respect or honor or dignity or fidelity in Rs. Intimacy from other aspects doesn't come close to the intimacy created with physicality.

 

You stand where you are and I'll stand where I am. Sex (in whatever variation a couple can achieve it) is as important in an R as any other aspect.

 

 

I intend to..thank you.

[jthorne]

I intend to..thank you.

I see not everyone has read my new siggy...

[woinlove]

Because she isn't clingy in any aspect of her life. I don't see where her declaration that she isn't a clingy person automatically allows the assumption she feels all OW are. As far as why put it in-because she was talking about herself and thought it was an apt description of her.

 

Won't say anymore as I feel like I'm stepping into OWomans business and I don't intend to be.

 

Yeah, I get that if it is like sticking 'I'm a blonde' into a brief description of why you won't put up with being OW after deciding you want MM, then it doesn't imply any connection between clinginess and OW behavior. Let's just say it was like sticking "I'm a blonde" in and the "record breaking leap" was jthorne and/or me not recognizing that. Works for me.

[jthorne]

was jthorne and/or me not recognizing that. Works for me.

Careful, now. People will accuse you of being me. Seems to happen quite often if anyone shares my view.

As if my view is so unique...

[woinlove]

Careful, now. People will accuse you of being me. Seems to happen quite often if anyone shares my view.

 

Well, just on this one record breaking leap. Who doesn't want to break a record once in a while.

[Summer Breeze]

I see not everyone has read my new siggy...

 

I read it and thought it was apt. Why on earth come onto a forum and ignore posters who challenge you and make you think? I may not agree but I learn all the time. I realize BNB is as stubborn as me and that's why I ended it there. I actually have to say I'm a fan of her and her forthrightness.

 

Life's a pendulum far left then far right and hope you catch the place in between that works for you. I try and listen to people from everywhere and take with me all I can.

[2sure]

With very few exceptions on this forum...the most popular affair dynamic seems to be MM being the Knight in Shining Armor to a OW who is at a vulnerable point. Single mother, financial issues, ugly divorce, health problems, emotionally unbalanced. Vulnerable. Easy Target.

 

The MM may even extend that Knight role as he depicts himself as sacrificing and/or being a silently suffering martyr for his family or wife.

 

Women who are not in a vulnerable position rarely date or involve themselves with a man who is inconvenient much less unavailable. Strong woman who are not vulnerable would not accept a partner who did not have the ability or wherewithal to make their life work without resorting to fantasy , secrecy, risk, and betrayal.

 

If you are in an affair and are happy with it, ok. But so many women who are in a vulnerable part of their lives end up in an affair ...its like they have just given up trying to fill it with something better.

 

Defending your vulnerable position and acceptance of it with justifications and excuses...I mean, fine...but where is that getting you in the long run?

[Summer Breeze]

Well, just on this one record breaking leap. Who doesn't want to break a record once in a while.

 

If we didn't like to break records the book wouldn't be nearly so big and there'd only be 1 museum.

[jthorne]

Well, just on this one record breaking leap. Who doesn't want to break a record once in a while.

I was sarcastically referring to the "jthorne and/or me" part. Some people might take that the wrong way, sad but true.

[jthorne]

With very few exceptions on this forum...the most popular affair dynamic seems to be MM being the Knight in Shining Armor to a OW who is at a vulnerable point. Single mother, financial issues, ugly divorce, health problems, emotionally unbalanced. Vulnerable. Easy Target.

 

The MM may even extend that Knight role as he depicts himself as sacrificing and/or being a silently suffering martyr for his family or wife.

 

Women who are not in a vulnerable position rarely date or involve themselves with a man who is inconvenient much less unavailable. Strong woman who are not vulnerable would not accept a partner who did not have the ability or wherewithal to make their life work without resorting to fantasy , secrecy, risk, and betrayal.

 

If you are in an affair and are happy with it, ok. But so many women who are in a vulnerable part of their lives end up in an affair ...its like they have just given up trying to fill it with something better.

 

Defending your vulnerable position and acceptance of it with justifications and excuses...I mean, fine...but where is that getting you in the long run?

I agree with this, but I've also seen the opposite here- the MM "seems" vunerable, and a vulnerable OW "takes in" the MM as a rescue or fixer-upper project. They could probably find a better rescue at the dog pound.

 

Vulnerability is the key.

 

BTW, check out this lighthouse! Amazing.

Edited December 16, 2010 by jthorne

[BB07]

With very few exceptions on this forum...the most popular affair dynamic seems to be MM being the Knight in Shining Armor to a OW who is at a vulnerable point. Single mother, financial issues, ugly divorce, health problems, emotionally unbalanced. Vulnerable. Easy Target.

 

The MM may even extend that Knight role as he depicts himself as sacrificing and/or being a silently suffering martyr for his family or wife.

 

Women who are not in a vulnerable position rarely date or involve themselves with a man who is inconvenient much less unavailable. Strong woman who are not vulnerable would not accept a partner who did not have the ability or wherewithal to make their life work without resorting to fantasy , secrecy, risk, and betrayal.

 

If you are in an affair and are happy with it, ok. But so many women who are in a vulnerable part of their lives end up in an affair ...its like they have just given up trying to fill it with something better.

 

Defending your vulnerable position and acceptance of it with justifications and excuses...I mean, fine...but where is that getting you in the long run?

 

This posts really speaks to me 2sure and this is why and it still pisses me off when I think about it and how xmm used this vulnerability against me.

 

My youngest daughter has special needs, because of this my life is not like most other people's. I am confined a lot at home, especially on weekends. I do not have the same options as most other people because I choose to take care of my daughter at home because I feel that it's what I have to do. I do get some relief/respite from my mother for a couple of days/nights a week and I do have some hours two other days that are mine so I don't want to paint a picture in that I'm completely confined, but the fact is I am a lot.

 

Ever since I was divorced about 15 years ago, this situation that I deal with on a daily basis has always had to be considered with any man who I might get seriously involved with and yes I'm insecure about it, because it's a whole lot to take on as I'm not free to come and go when I please and when I'm home a large portion of my time is dedicated to her.

Xmm knew all this..........and he used those very things against me, in that it allowed him to more easily lie to me, made him less accountable, he knew it made me insecure in believing in a long term relationship. He would pepper in compliments of me and how he thought more of me because I was taking care of her at home so of course I took that as acceptance.

He used my circumstances to his advantage. Yes it's an extreme example but it is true of how someone can use your vulnerabilities and insecurities against you. Sometimes I hate him most for that!