If its an affair why think its more?

[jthorne]

Do the lines of need-feeding blur to the point that some would even call this love? Give me emotional, I'll give you sexual, so I get more emotionally connected and then you get more sexually connected.

 

Yes, I think so.

 

If this is not often the case, all men should stop the flattery, compliments, and attention; all women should stop meeting men's physical needs for awhile.

 

Hmmmmm....given this test, how long would many relationships last, do you think?

So wise, Spark!

I'd say this is true even for those long-distance affairs where the claim is that they are more than sex because of the distance. There still is the ever-present ego stroking and "cyber-stroking"

 

he cant leave cos of job/car/aliens whatever etc, but he says im his future wife, etc'

Aliens! I haven't been around as long as others, but I've been around. This is the first time I've read the "alien excuse"

[Quiet Storm]

Some women are just not lucky enough to have been schooled on the way men really are (thanks, Dad).

 

Philly, you assume that most women know "the game" and that the romantic words are all a show. But it's just not true. Many women really can't see through the BS. Fatherless households, Disney movies and naive assumptions all play into this, IMO.

 

They also assume that IF the man is truly is love with the OW, he will want to leave his wife. Love, coupledom and relationships are very important for most women. These things take up a lot of our headspace. Since so many women don't really understand men, they will assume that men mull over relationships like we do, endlessly analyze conversations and hope and dream to their hearts content.

 

Men are different. "Love" is just not all that important. It's fun and all, but definitely not worth turning your entire life upside for. Men fill their lives with other things, and a love relationship is just a small part of it.

 

Men usually marry for life. They go into the marriage understanding that the passion may fade, their wives may get fat and wrinkly, and they accept this. They will get their needs met elsewhere, and do not usually consider replacing the wife unless it is really, really bad. Like alcoholic raging, beating him up kind of bad.

 

I always say, if you want to see the difference between men and women, look at the entertainment they choose. Women love romance novels, chick flicks and soaps. Men love porn and action movies. That should be a clue as to what men are really about...you don't see romantic dinners, rose petals and bubble baths in porn, because for men all of that is simply tolerated in order to get to the sex.

 

It's sad that men have to be so phony, but most women wouldn't be as willing to have sex if they knew the deal. Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love.

Edited December 15, 2010 by Quiet Storm

[Mimolicious]

Oh, but don't you see, sex causes the release of bonding hormones, and then they just can't help it, but they fall in love with each other.

 

Somebody said it here before, and it bears repeating- it doesn't cost a WS a dang thing to say I love you, or to send a "thinking of you" text, or to tell the OW that they are their soulmate, blah blah blah. Some OW choose to believe it in order to stay in the A, and accept less than a normal out-in-public relationship. These guys get away with saying but not doing, you wit me?

 

Now, there are some OW that think that the fact that the MM risks his M to see the OW means that they mean something to them. Surely, a man wouldn't risk his M if the loooovvve wasn't there, right? For many MM, the risk is the juice.

 

Did I just tell you anything you don't already know? Prolly not.

 

The bolded- I am egocentric, why I divorced. I rather get those type of messages from a single dude, so when the "thinking of you" text comes through, I can put my sexy on- La Perla knocks on his door with a trench coat and some red bottoms. Don't have to worry about nobody but his maid opening the door. BWHA!

 

What's wrong with people finding SINGLE mates?????????????

 

Ironically, from what I read people expect more of A's than they do from R with single partners. I see chicks going out with a dude for 3 yrs + and no engagement, they are fine with it. Yet, G*d forbid he was M... They want right away blow the mofo up to the W, claim status, rights, and be "exclusive". (Not generalizing but I have seen it happened) After all, I do know people IRL... not sure why LS members swear it's all about them.

[OWoman]

I always say, if you want to see the difference between men and women, look at the entertainment they choose. Women love romance novels, chick flicks and soaps. Men love porn and action movies.

 

:eek: I am definitely not a woman, then! Romance novels, chick flicks and soaps? :sick: :sick: Spare me!

 

Nor is my H a man - action movies bore him as much as they bore me.

 

We both enjoy art house movies, foreign films and dramas, as well as intelligent humour (no Adam Sandler or Jack Black - more Jermain Clement or Terry Gilliam) or political thrillers. We both enjoy erotica and are both bored by crappy porn.

[OWoman]

And frequently surprise him with mind-blowing oral......

 

It's hardly a surprise. Nor is the mind-blowing oral he regularly provides.

[OWoman]

Hi philly.

 

I think you make some valid points.

 

Most men need to be physically attracted to a woman to pursue any kind of relationship with her.

 

Most women need an emotional attraction to a man before pursuing a physical relationship with him.

 

Exactly - it's far from universal.

 

I've never needed an "emotional attraction" to shag a guy I found hot - but I certainly would never shag a guy I didn't find hot!!

 

And, judging by my H's track record, physical attraction wasn't a sine qua non for him to pursue "romantic" relationships

 

If this is not often the case, all men should stop the flattery, compliments, and attention; all women should stop meeting men's physical needs for awhile.

 

Hmmmmm....given this test, how long would many relationships last, do you think?

 

well, if I had to withhold physical intimacy, I can guarantee that I'd be the one climbing walls faster than my H! It's not about meeting his physical needs - it's about meeting our physical needs, and mine are definitely greater than his!

 

(Likewise - the flattery, compliments, and attention - he's by far the bigger romantic. I go along with the candle-lit dinners, the flowers and soppiness because it keeps him happy. And if he's happy, my chances of getting lucky increase )

[OWoman]

Somebody said it here before, and it bears repeating- it doesn't cost a WS a dang thing to say I love you, or to send a "thinking of you" text, or to tell the OW that they are their soulmate, blah blah blah.

 

10p local, 20p international, depending on what network you're on. It adds up quickly. My cellphone bill used to be horrendous - his even worse, since he was doing most of the contacting...

 

A M is definitely cheaper than an A...

[ladydesigner]

Exactly - it's far from universal.

 

I've never needed an "emotional attraction" to shag a guy I found hot - but I certainly would never shag a guy I didn't find hot!!

 

And, judging by my H's track record, physical attraction wasn't a sine qua non for him to pursue "romantic" relationships

 

 

 

well, if I had to withhold physical intimacy, I can guarantee that I'd be the one climbing walls faster than my H! It's not about meeting his physical needs - it's about meeting our physical needs, and mine are definitely greater than his!

 

(Likewise - the flattery, compliments, and attention - he's by far the bigger romantic. I go along with the candle-lit dinners, the flowers and soppiness because it keeps him happy. And if he's happy, my chances of getting lucky increase )

 

i love the bolded Owoman. You have a great H and a great dynamic going. You give me hope:laugh: in my own M.

[KarmasTestDummy]

LOL serious us men r more basic than u think I reckon, u women give us 2 much credit, like we r thinkin of stuff in a complex way, when really we r just thinkin with whats in our pants :D

 

I get what you're saying. For the most part men are barbaric creatures, but there's a couple of extra things aside from sex that get their attention. 1) appreciation 2) respect 3) an ego stroke, be it their manhood, intellect, etc. And 4) being spoiled, good food, gentle touches, back and foot massages, babied when they are sick, etc. When they find all of the above it's suddenly no longer just the sex, but suddenly love. Of course the sex still has to be there too.

[KarmasTestDummy]

And of course, the inverse is true too!

 

Want to wrap a man around your little finger?

 

Tell him how wonderful he is. Make it a point to always appreciate every little thing he does for you. Ask him for advice to make him feel important (whether you follow it or not.)

 

And frequently surprise him with mind-blowing oral......

 

Every woman knows this!

 

LMAO...you beat me to the punch, that's exactly where I was going with my post. I like yours way better

[Spark1111]

LMAO...you beat me to the punch, that's exactly where I was going with my post. I like yours way better

 

And all of the above did not cost me one red cent either!

[Summer Breeze]

Hi philly.

 

I think you make some valid points.

 

Most men need to be physically attracted to a woman to pursue any kind of relationship with her.

 

Most women need an emotional attraction to a man before pursuing a physical relationship with him.

 

So does the guy initially push her emotional buttons in hopes of it becoming physical for him? (His end goal?)

 

Does she then eventually become physical with him in an effort to continue the emotional stroking?

 

Do the lines of need-feeding blur to the point that some would even call this love? Give me emotional, I'll give you sexual, so I get more emotionally connected and then you get more sexually connected.

 

Yes, I think so.

 

If this is not often the case, all men should stop the flattery, compliments, and attention; all women should stop meeting men's physical needs for awhile.

 

Hmmmmm....given this test, how long would many relationships last, do you think?

 

The bolded. XMM's W did that and he ended up having an A. Why is this a test? If you leave any R to flounder it will. That's not a test that's R suicide.

[bentnotbroken]

The bolded. XMM's W did that and he ended up having an A. Why is this a test? If you leave any R to flounder it will. That's not a test that's R suicide.

 

 

If it is suicide then it was doomed to die anyway if sex was what was holding it together in the first place.

[Summer Breeze]

Oh, but don't you see, sex causes the release of bonding hormones, and then they just can't help it, but they fall in love with each other.

 

Somebody said it here before, and it bears repeating- it doesn't cost a WS a dang thing to say I love you, or to send a "thinking of you" text, or to tell the OW that they are their soulmate, blah blah blah. Some OW choose to believe it in order to stay in the A, and accept less than a normal out-in-public relationship. These guys get away with saying but not doing, you wit me?

 

Now, there are some OW that think that the fact that the MM risks his M to see the OW means that they mean something to them. Surely, a man wouldn't risk his M if the loooovvve wasn't there, right? For many MM, the risk is the juice.

 

Did I just tell you anything you don't already know? Prolly not.

 

Re bolded. Funny there were 3 things xMM's W told me she hated about our R: he would find song lyrics that he loved and thought were 'us' and he'd email them to me, he'd text me or email me silly things all the time, and he would actually say the words I love you rather than say me too.

 

I found all of those things more touching and wonderful than the holidays and weekends away. Seems the things that cost nowt were more important to her than would be expected.

[Summer Breeze]

If it is suicide then it was doomed to die anyway if sex was what was holding it together in the first place.

 

Sorry but sex is part of what holds a R together. Even if it's not full intercourse it's touching and intimacy and caring. Anyone who can kid themselves it's not as important as every other facet of M is dooming the R.

[bentnotbroken]

Sorry but sex is part of what holds a R together. Even if it's not full intercourse it's touching and intimacy and caring. Anyone who can kid themselves it's not as important as every other facet of M is dooming the R.

 

 

Intimacy and caring yes...sex no. There are couples who can't or who no longer wish to have sex but are very caring and intimate with each other. Sex isn't what holds a relationship together it is a by product of 2 people wanting each other physically. It isn't marriage and never will be.

[ladydesigner]

Sorry but sex is part of what holds a R together. Even if it's not full intercourse it's touching and intimacy and caring. Anyone who can kid themselves it's not as important as every other facet of M is dooming the R.

 

I agree, but if a MP can't get through the ups and downs of a M and every M has lulls especially after children, deaths, I could go on and on, then that is a weak person who cannot keep the M alive. An affair is fantasyland most of the time for the MP having the A.

[jthorne]

Intimacy and caring yes...sex no. There are couples who can't or who no longer wish to have sex but are very caring and intimate with each other. Sex isn't what holds a relationship together it is a by product of 2 people wanting each other physically. It isn't marriage and never will be.

I agree. If sex is the glue, then what happens when the plumbing no longer works?

 

My grandparents were married years and years before they both passed. My own parents are coming upon their 45 year anniversary. The sex part was gone while back. Neither couple have ever cheated on each other (to my knowledge, of course).

 

Another poster recently posted an article on Infidelity. Here's one my my favorite quotes:

I look at my parents and at how much simpler their lives are at the ages of 75, mostly because they haven’t marred the landscape with grand-scale deceit. They have this marriage of 50-some years behind them, and it is a monument to success. A few weeks or months of illicit passion could not hold a candle to it.

[donnamaybe]

Intimacy and caring yes...sex no. There are couples who can't or who no longer wish to have sex but are very caring and intimate with each other. Sex isn't what holds a relationship together it is a by product of 2 people wanting each other physically. It isn't marriage and never will be.

You got it BNB! What about the soldier who comes home unable to have intercourse or even enjoy any sexual activity at all due to injury? What's the wife supposed to do? Dump him? OF COURSE NOT! That's not love or anything remotely close to it!

[ladydesigner]

I look at my parents and at how much simpler their lives are at the ages of 75, mostly because they haven’t marred the landscape with grand-scale deceit. They have this marriage of 50-some years behind them, and it is a monument to success. A few weeks or months of illicit passion could not hold a candle to it.

 

I love this Jthorne. It is so true. Even when I look at my own M, and boy it has had its ups and downs, and when I look back on my A I could never compare that to my M. It couldn't possibly compete with it. Our history and loved shared, the children we have produced, and our love has been strengthened. Sorry but when I am 70 that A is going to be just a blip on my radar.

[Summer Breeze]

Intimacy and caring yes...sex no. There are couples who can't or who no longer wish to have sex but are very caring and intimate with each other. Sex isn't what holds a relationship together it is a by product of 2 people wanting each other physically. It isn't marriage and never will be.

 

I specifically worded my response so it would include the level of sex for a myriad of couples. Some people are not able to have sex but it's vital to build the intimacy somehow and the sex can easily change.

 

There are very few couples who no longer care to have sex. One or the other maybe but not many who both agree to it.

 

And as I said sex is not the 1 thing holding a relationship together but it is exactly as important as the rest of it and it always will be.

[Summer Breeze]

You got it BNB! What about the soldier who comes home unable to have intercourse or even enjoy any sexual activity at all due to injury? What's the wife supposed to do? Dump him? OF COURSE NOT! That's not love or anything remotely close to it!

 

As normal my post wasn't read correctly. See my response to BNB.

[Lauriebell82]

Men are kinda logical, u have an affair cause u want an affair. You like the feelin of the sex, risk, etc, so u wanna hold on to it so u do some ego strokin, a little tellin her yea baby I love u, standard stuff. An affair is extra to ur wife, EXTRA not a replacement, if a man wants a wife he gets married if a man wants an affair (extra) he keeps the wife but looks for anotha secret woman too.

 

What i dont get - why do some women on here think 'he wants me as a mistress therefore one day I mite be his wife'. It is like watchin football and expectin it to become baseball cause u want it to, it dont make logical sense.

 

Not criticisin BTW, and dont go sayin its his silky words LOL u all must know that stuff is just what guys have said since puberty, to get a little skirt chasin on

 

MM are extremely selfish and manipulative. They know what to say and when to say it. Women who are vulnerable are easy to manipulate in this manner. Many OW hope it will turn into more, many are just in it for the fantasy and thrill of having an A. No matter what, MM are always in the driver's seat regarding the affiar, and will do whatever they can to protect the affair AND the marriage, which is why MM gaslight and lie.

 

It doesn't make logical sense to me either, however to MM and OW, it is like a second nature.

[OWoman]

No matter what, MM are always in the driver's seat regarding the affiar

 

:lmao: Some As, perhaps... The only person who controlled my As was me!

[Quiet Storm]

Funny there were 3 things xMM's W told me she hated about our R: he would find song lyrics that he loved and thought were 'us' and he'd email them to me, he'd text me or email me silly things all the time, and he would actually say the words I love you rather than say me too.

 

All things orchestrated to make you feel oh-so special, to keep the A going. Just words, miminal effort and a great payoff for a MM. It's all designed to keep an OW happy, so she doesn't find some other guy to ego-stroke, admire and have sex with. And it is manipulative on OM's part, especially when he knows that he is never leaving his marriage. It shows a disregard for OW, because he doesn't care that he is wasting her time, he doesn't care that he is keeping her from finding a real partner, he just wants to make sure his "supply" is available when he needs it. He will use her until she is all used up because it is easier to keep her than find and groom a new OW.

 

It bothered the wife because she wants romance, too. Most women want the perfect, sweet, romantic guy that most men pretend to be in the beginning of an R. But he doesn't feel driven to butter up the wife with words because in his mind, she's not going anywhere and he doesn't have to make an effort. With the wife, he's already BTDT.

 

Yes, MM do make efforts to make OW feel special and wanted, but it is not a reflection of his love for them, nor does it mean they want to leave their M. This is what most OW do not get. It's ALL about the OM. It's not about the specific woman and who she really is, what she really feels or the "connection"...it about the role she is willing to play. She is not perfect for OM because of who she is- she is perfect for OM simply because she is willing to be OW and that is what he wants in his life ATM.