All snooped Out

[snoopd]

I have been methodically snooping through my husbands online world since July an am sick to my stomach. In July of this year I found out he was spending some way too intimate moments with this chick who runs in the same business circles as him. This type of business includes lots of "networking" type events and him and her got close I assume running into each other.

 

Anyway a few weird things led me to realize this chick was a person of interest but I didint say anything. One Saturday night he tells me he is heading to this guys party and then a late night rave (I am at home with child), I ask him who are you going with, he says no one. Long story short I call him at 7:45 am when I awake with our child and he is on an E and he's like "hey hun I am in the car with Chick she's that friend I told you about" (he did mention her once before I realized she was a person of interest), he then proceeds to say "she wants to say hi" and hands her the phone.

 

I then have to listen to her say things like " I cant wait to meet you blah blah blah", I ask her politely to pass him the phone and proceed to tear him a new ******* verbally calling him every name in the book and demanding a divorce. He hangs up and eventually comes home 6 hours later, blitzed out of his brain saying things to me like "you don't know how lucky you are". He swears nothing happened, but could have because of reason like "not giving him sex", "showing any interest in his business". Anyway long story short I believe he didnt have sex with her, but I dont doubt for one minute he didnt want to as did she (found an email the next day from her basically worried sick about what he had to come home to professing her love to him).

 

I am pretty sure something could have happened if I continued to be my usual homebody self and say things like "yeah go out I dont mind I just want to go to bed" I must add I worked 5 days a week and am a mother to a 3 year old. Anyway since then I have stalked him online to the point where I feel sick most days. I cant stand that I am doing this. I have found out he is still speaking to her but he really never goes out any more, so I am sure he hasnt seen her. He is always telling me he loves me and our son and he doesnt want to lose us. I have found more then I wanted to though cause there are tons of flirty emails with x's - nothing divorce worthy but just painful to read.

 

Usual story been together for 8 years, have child, dont really speak that much to each other, but in his emails to these women he is this perfect guy, to me not so much. Anyway I keep saying to myself nothing lasts forever and focus on you, but Its my new addiction, but like all the others it will eventually kill me if I dont stop

Edited December 15, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Linda9999]

I still snoop - I found out in March what my hubby was up to, then found out more in November.

 

You have four choices.

1. Leave him

2. Stay with him and just keep going like you are

3. Cheat on him

4. Decide to save your marriage and go to counseling, with him and on your own

 

He has the same 4 choices wrt you.

 

When my husband and I were in a bad place, he chose option 3 and I chose option 2. Once I found out what he was up to, we got individual counseling and both discovered that what we really wanted was option 4 and that's what we are working on now.

[Spark1111]

Here's the bottom line as I see it....You DO NOT trust him. Not one bit. And maybe with good cause. Snooping is a symptom, not a cause of what is wrong.

 

It seems like you two are at a fork in the road; either you proceed together having the relationship you BOTH want and NEED, or you guietly part ways.

 

Look, do you love him? If yes, this may be fixable if you both attend counseling NOW.

 

But if you do not love him, then I hear your anger and resentment in every line you wrote. And I hear his too as described by you.

 

And that anger is not necessarily a bad thing. Remember, the opposite of love is not hate/ It is indifference.

[snoopd]

Hi Linda and Spark thanks for your advice.

 

To answer on the "do I still love him", well my anger from the whole episode has left it nearly impossible for me to love him. I did love him very much though at one point. I feel stuck if I am perfectly honest.

 

Snooping has made me realise that he is a 40 year old wishing he was 20. When we met he was always this big party guy, me not so much. I am not saying I didnt have crazy drug fueled nights raving, but now at 38 I have no interest. I knew he still wanted to do that sort of thing so I didnt object when I wasnt into go out and he really wanted to. Little did I know that going out raving all night meant he was getting close to women doing the same. Plus his "networking" events are really just excuses for this Business scene to get wasted all the time.

 

 

We have the most beautiful son. having our son grounded me and made me want to do everything in my power to do right by this little boy. My child hood/teens was full of enough drama to make a grown man cry, but I survived it and didnt end up dead on the street. I am far from perfect, of course I could do with more money, sense, etc, but I think I am good egg and do always try to do the right thing. I have a good job, and decent earning power, by no means rich but can and have taken care of myself since I was 13.

 

I never wanted to be a single mother, I really didnt. I love the fact that our son can get out of his bed and crawl into his parents bed and nestle himself between us. If I left and ended up with another, my son would lose out. I have major abandonment issues, father f'ed off (although I speak to him now and its great)and left me with a mother who went crazy due to the divorce, and proceeded to become an alcoholic/doctor prescribed drug addict.

 

I brought up counselling to him when this whole thing blew up and he said something along the lines of "only dumb people need strangers to figure out their brains" we're too smart for a shrink. I have seen a therapist before and have good and bad impressions of the whole ordeal. Does forever love really exist anyway? Some woman I have spoken to say "men all do what they do" turn a blind eye and as long as he is respectful to your face what happens when your eyes are turned doesnt matter.

 

In my earlier post I said he was this guy I dont even know in his emails to the "ladies of his past", but too me I get "god babe Im working" if I ask him to throw out the garbage. I guess the bakers wife is always hungry right??? One bit of good news though is I have yet to snoop through anything today, I still feel nervous and sick to my stomach with the thought of what's lurking in his inboxes, but like I said in my earlier post I am afraid the snooping is honestly going to kill me. I had a such a bad panic attack after I found a flirty email with an x that I thought I was going to keel over and die right there.

 

I hope you dont judge me but I am thinking about choice number 3. I have an x who lives in another city 4 hours away from me. He has been begging me to come down for a visit for the last 5 years. I always turned down his offer as I was committed to my marriage and I really believe that there was no way he just wants me to come to check out the tourist attractions. I think if I had my own little "fun" I could then just maintain the status quo.

 

Anyway Linda you say your still snooping but working on your marriage, can the two go hand and hand? Snooping is turning me into a very bitter woman and as I cant out right confront him about his emotional affairs, I just take it out on him in other ways. Are you finding suspect stuff? I wish you the best hun, its a jungle out there and I wish I had the answers.

[bentnotbroken]

No trust means no relationship.

[ladydesigner]

Hi Linda and Spark thanks for your advice.

 

To answer on the "do I still love him", well my anger from the whole episode has left it nearly impossible for me to love him. I did love him very much though at one point. I feel stuck if I am perfectly honest.

 

Snooping has made me realise that he is a 40 year old wishing he was 20. When we met he was always this big party guy, me not so much. I am not saying I didnt have crazy drug fueled nights raving, but now at 38 I have no interest. I knew he still wanted to do that sort of thing so I didnt object when I wasnt into go out and he really wanted to. Little did I know that going out raving all night meant he was getting close to women doing the same. Plus his "networking" events are really just excuses for this Business scene to get wasted all the time.

 

 

We have the most beautiful son. having our son grounded me and made me want to do everything in my power to do right by this little boy. My child hood/teens was full of enough drama to make a grown man cry, but I survived it and didnt end up dead on the street. I am far from perfect, of course I could do with more money, sense, etc, but I think I am good egg and do always try to do the right thing. I have a good job, and decent earning power, by no means rich but can and have taken care of myself since I was 13.

 

I never wanted to be a single mother, I really didnt. I love the fact that our son can get out of his bed and crawl into his parents bed and nestle himself between us. If I left and ended up with another, my son would lose out. I have major abandonment issues, father f'ed off (although I speak to him now and its great)and left me with a mother who went crazy due to the divorce, and proceeded to become an alcoholic/doctor prescribed drug addict.

 

I brought up counselling to him when this whole thing blew up and he said something along the lines of "only dumb people need strangers to figure out their brains" we're too smart for a shrink. I have seen a therapist before and have good and bad impressions of the whole ordeal. Does forever love really exist anyway? Some woman I have spoken to say "men all do what they do" turn a blind eye and as long as he is respectful to your face what happens when your eyes are turned doesnt matter.

 

In my earlier post I said he was this guy I dont even know in his emails to the "ladies of his past", but too me I get "god babe Im working" if I ask him to throw out the garbage. I guess the bakers wife is always hungry right??? One bit of good news though is I have yet to snoop through anything today, I still feel nervous and sick to my stomach with the thought of what's lurking in his inboxes, but like I said in my earlier post I am afraid the snooping is honestly going to kill me. I had a such a bad panic attack after I found a flirty email with an x that I thought I was going to keel over and die right there.

 

I hope you dont judge me but I am thinking about choice number 3. I have an x who lives in another city 4 hours away from me. He has been begging me to come down for a visit for the last 5 years. I always turned down his offer as I was committed to my marriage and I really believe that there was no way he just wants me to come to check out the tourist attractions. I think if I had my own little "fun" I could then just maintain the status quo.

 

Anyway Linda you say your still snooping but working on your marriage, can the two go hand and hand? Snooping is turning me into a very bitter woman and as I cant out right confront him about his emotional affairs, I just take it out on him in other ways. Are you finding suspect stuff? I wish you the best hun, its a jungle out there and I wish I had the answers.

 

Snoopd my H is the same exact way 40 going on 20. My parents have even harped on him about that, that he cannot be a decent man to take care of his family all these years. You really do loose quite a lot of respect for them. I know. My H did in fact cheat on me and I did #3 like you mention. It is not worth it. It did however give me enough power of mind to tell him that I do not want this M anymore that I in fact did not respect him or was in love with him. Ever since that day he has made a complete 180. He has boundaries with other women, no more "friends" as he would call them. He has been transparent, I have access to all passwords and he has mine. I did not confess my RA mostly because I never got full truths from him. Anyways I would say to get yourself into MC or get yourself an IC. If you cannot get your M back on track it is very possible he will continue to do this, you may cheat, and a whole lot more heartbreak.

 

My M is back on track, we communicate better, sex is better, our kids are happy, so far so good. If my A does come to light I am ready to do whatever it takes, whether that be reconcile with him or have him divorce me I am ready for both. I have no more fears about where life may take me and my kids. I am a strong woman with a great career and am pretty confident. I will make sure my life is full and I will always be okay and will always be a good parent to my children.

[snoopd]

Thanks for your story Lady.

 

I know number 3 isnt the solution, I also dont want to just be some sexual object for this guy who yes was hot, but we didnt end up together for a reason.

 

I think I want it more for an ego boost, this whole ordeal has left me really insecure, when I was never an insecure person before.

 

He is out of town on business (no it really is a business trip), he has called a couple of times but I really feel I just cant talk to him right now, I just need sometime to clear my head from the toxic air I feel he has brought to my life. I almost wish I hadnt clocked anything was up and could go back to my ignorance is bliss life, this new one turning me into a nut

[ladydesigner]

Thanks for your story Lady.

 

I know number 3 isnt the solution, I also dont want to just be some sexual object for this guy who yes was hot, but we didnt end up together for a reason.

 

I think I want it more for an ego boost, this whole ordeal has left me really insecure, when I was never an insecure person before.

He is out of town on business (no it really is a business trip), he has called a couple of times but I really feel I just cant talk to him right now, I just need sometime to clear my head from the toxic air I feel he has brought to my life. I almost wish I hadnt clocked anything was up and could go back to my ignorance is bliss life, this new one turning me into a nut

 

Yep same here it is exactly why I had a Revenge Affair. Although now that I have had one I feel like I have lost my integrity too. I ended up falling for my AP and he ended the A with me so now I was insecure from my H's A and being dumped by my AP. Yes it was an ego boost at first, but damn, so not worth it. Also you will still have the same situation with your H there far after any A you may wish to have. Take care of yourself and child and build your self esteem back up by yourself. Who knows what you may want months from now. Take care.

[UnsureinSeattle]

I doubt a revenge affair is going to be worth it; you might feel better in the short-term, but long-term, it isn't going to help you.

 

Definitely know what you mean about snooping... After I found out about my girlfriend's (latest) EA she was having with a coworker, I scoured thru everything and was obsessed with checking for info constantly.

[Linda9999]

The snooping I do is more to reassure myself that he isn't up to his old tricks. I do it with his permission - he in fact wants me to do it because he knows I need it to heal. In November we were away for a few days and he brought his laptop and told me to go through it, so I did. I found a letter he had written to one of his women that really hurt me, even though he had written it over a year ago when he had been up to no good and before I found out in March. When I presented to him what I had found and needed to talk about it, he decided that would be a good time to confess that he had in fact been unfaithful since I found out as well, while we were separated (I kicked him out when I found out in March). That really really hurt, but we're moving past it and working on things, which I wouldn't be able to do if he hadn't taken the November incident as a wakeup call and sought help.

 

I think that snooping can be constructive only in that context - that he knows you're doing it and wants you to because he knows he's clean. I don't trust him 100% - I don't know if I ever will again - but that doesn't mean we can't be happy together. He did what he did and knows it damaged me, but he still wants me, and I still want him. As long as nothing more turns up, we're in a good place.