How do I win my wifes heart back?

[sirweasles]

I have been batteling PTSD for 2 years and have until just now refused to get help for it. I have leaned on my wife to much and been to pushy and I made her feel like she was sufficating. When I took a job out of state she realized how bad it had been and we are now seperated. I am going home for christmas and can't go home. I work 10 hours away how do I win my wifes heart back. How can I make her see that I am getting help and will forever be a better person. My wife is a very strong minded person and everything I try seems to make matters worse. PLEASE HELP!!!!!!

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry that you suffered with PTSD, and I'm happy you're getting help with it. Be strong and fix "you", what you put into therapy is what you get out of it..

 

All I can say is, let your actions show your wife that you are sorry..Show her how you've changed as time goes along. Let her know you love her and when the timing is better you will make it up to her, be the best husband. Ask her not give up on you! That you have suffered, she's suffered too..Sympathize with her, but again, make sure she knows how much you want to stay married. Then allow her time and space, while you work on "you".

 

I hope she sees how much you love her and gives you a chance.

[starting2wakeup]

My wife suffers from PTSD, among several other things. She sought treatment about a year or so ago, focusing on the the first trauma in her life, which occurred at a very young age. She had hoped that doing so would help her and our relationship. I didn't. We have now been seperated for several months.

 

We recently went to MC and in that session she made mention that she regreted seeking help for PTSD because it brought back so much pain. Memories she had once blocked were now haunting her. She had several other incidents in her past which she needed to seek counseling for but because the first one was so bad she had no desire to follow through with therapy. The MC saw things in a different way. She suggested that my W had not fully worked through her issues. That she gave up on it too soon as it was too painful. She explained that this was understandable, no one likes to put themselves through pain, but that unless she was willing to work on herself, she would very likely never be able to have the type of emotional and physical relationship she once had and left.

 

If I had any advise, speaking somewhat from the other side, seeking help is the best way to show that you still love your wife and want to be with her. My wife is not seeking the type of treatment I feel she needs and because of this the MC all but told me that I should stop focusing on working things out with her and focus on me, as until she takes herself and her/our situation seriously, there would be little hope of overcoming the obstacles in our marriage.

 

Take therapy seriously. Show her that you are working on becoming a better man but don't throw it in her face. That will only look like you are seeking help because you want her back. Do it for you. Stay strong and work on yourself, she will notice. I know I would.

[sirweasles]

how do I work on myself when she is the biggest part of me I cant find any plessure in anything knowing that she doesnt want me around. How does a person who has to regain the desire to live do so when every thing is falling apart. I don't understand how im supposed to find happiness when everything is so wrong. its like a double dose of depression with panic attacks to go with them. How do I let her know I love her and distance myself at the same time. It would be easier to just go NC until i could rebuild me but I cant becouse of my little girls and becouse Im affraid that she will move on and I will have no chance.

 

Sorry guys my life is a mess right now and Im tryin to get a foot hold on it but damn its slippery.

[robf1971]

. I have leaned on my wife to much and been to pushy and I made her feel like she was sufficating.

 

Ok, this information is invaluable. You've taken the first step, gone into therapy. Stop leaning on her and being pushy. Please bear in mind that it's taken years to get to this point in her mind, winning back her heart may take that long. You need to be in this for the long haul and there are no guarantees.

 

You need to STFU, stop pursuing her. No initiating phone calls (Unless it's about kids or finances), text's, emails, no gift buying, no pleading or begging. Let her do all the contacting. You need to act happy and upbeat in front of her and the kids, by all means cry to yourself or vent on here but nothing is more unnatractive to your wife than seeing a miserable, depressed you.

 

Are you physically separated or under the same roof?. I also hate to say it but you need to find out if there is someone else. Don't go off the deep end and accuse her of having an affair. Can you monitor cell phone usage, internet, emails etc, gather intelligence. Is your wife suddenly dressing up, staying late at work etc. If this is the cas then a whole new set of rules apply?

 

Keep us posted

[sirweasles]

I am currently not allowed to go home becouse it makes her uncomfortable. and and will try to only respond when she texts or calls or ims but how will I know if she is comin around and do i push for any ground or just let her offer. do i stop texting her good morning and that I love her.

[robf1971]

I am currently not allowed to go home becouse it makes her uncomfortable. and and will try to only respond when she texts or calls or ims but how will I know if she is comin around and do i push for any ground or just let her offer. do i stop texting her good morning and that I love her.

 

When you say not allowed, do you mean legally? I think you need to consult a lawyer. Please, please stop texting I love you and good morning. You ar making things worse

[sirweasles]

When you say not allowed, do you mean legally? I think you need to consult a lawyer. Please, please stop texting I love you and good morning. You ar making things worse

 

I mean she has asked me not to and I believe if I forced it she would go stay with her parents and take the kids and serve me with the D papers before I left to come back to work. So I guess not allowed in this case means asked not too. and just a question how does good morning I Love you make things worse I don't honestly understand but I will stop doing so.

 

 

Ok I head home in a few days and really really need some advice on how to act and what I should not do. She has tried to schedule the whole time im there so that she only minimally has to see me but so that I get to see my girls alot. should I ask her for a dinner date or should I only accept to do things she asks me to do. Also would getting her flowers be wrong?

[IfiKnewThen]

i feel your pain. honestly..i wish i knew what the man i wanted.....wanted. i was walking on eggshells. but now i think i know. it was to look him in the eye and let him know everyday what he meant to me. and be more of a giver than taker. but like you i wanted to know what was good, what was bad...what to say...what not to say. here's all i can offer. to tell you from a womans point of view. honestly i think its easier for a man to get a woman back than vise versa. when men make up their minds..omg. so hard.

 

anyway. here's what i think would help and NOT hurt. i cant help it but first i have to say...

 

1) pray. ask God to help your soul and mind to be calm and not fret.

bible principals are the most helpful i find. it says a lot in the bible to be still. i think that means...really try to be still, calm. we can think straight and better that way. and ideas, feelings comes to us and ervything becomes more clear. ask God for help.

 

2) dont play games..you know... like pretending you care or will change. really feel it and COMMIT to IT. i am sure you mean it, or course.

 

calmly ask her to please hear you out. and talk to her. tell her the truth...that you still love her. but you know love is an action word and that you dont want to suck the life out of her with your problems. but that you are grateful to God she was there for you. and that you think highly of her and she is your best friend and so much more.

 

if you've been irritable and depressed..let her know your committed..to changing your attitude. via action. ask her what she would like to see change..specifically. then show her you CAN do it.

 

i really think had ptsd too after my mom died and my disability got worse. and i had a real friend in my man too and sucked the life out of him. he confessed to me that he didnt mind being there...but that there had to be relief and APPRECIATION. kind words...demonstrative love..respect. these things are not merely "understood" between you. they HAVE TO BE SHOWN.

 

ask her to maybe please go to dinner somewhere quiet. tell her youre not going to push...but hold her 2 hands from across the table..look into her eyes and say..please let me show you one day at a time..how much i value you and want to make YOU happy again. again ask her what she wants....what part you can play in her life so you CAN show and prove to her you mean what you say.

 

then one day at a time...do it. tell her she can call YOU when she has a problem. listen to her. DONT JUDGE her. woman love to talk to de -stess. she needs that. she might already be talking to someone who helps her de-stress from you. it may be giving her the strength she needs (or has on her own already) to get away from you. but i believe a good determined..PATIENT man..can regain a womans love and interest. as long as you are not abusive or never were physically abusive to her where she cant trust you and her safety is involved.

 

seriously read men are from mars and woman are from venus. you need to reverse the rolls. she needs to be able to trust talking to you. she now needs a listener and a shoulder. thats what i mean by reversing roles. be THAT person to her and for her and become it lovingly and mean it.

 

 

tell her your reading the book. buy her a copy and say....this is what "I" want to do for YOU. tell her she doesnt have to do anything now but try in baby steps to trust you.

 

men say...oh man up...dont be a P.....y. she wants someone strong,....

 

BUT i am telling you this kind of man IS the strongest man. make her laugh too. BUT never make her feelings a joke. they are NOT. do a family thing with your kids too. take the burdens off her. she can learn to value you again. but there HAS to be a reason to value someone. again..love is an action word. i hope and pray you have a good outcome. i really wish there to be more success stories. its all sad for all of us that we see things too late. we take the love others have for US for granted. i swear they should start teaching us from school age how to treat each other....like relationship classes in school. and men are from mars women are from venus should be mandatory reading.

 

 

anyway...just my female 2 cents.

[IfiKnewThen]

ps when youre away, write her. not just email...but an old fashioned snail mail letter.

 

write her a poem anything.

 

and ask about her and what you can do for her today.

[sirweasles]

Thank you very much I know my wife so I know not all that will work but I think that some of it could work well If I could only get my wife to listen to me unfortunatly with my current lvl of PTSD I have made a bunch of promises that I couldnt keep I am now at square 1 and have to fight even harder to climb the ladder I will take your advice and try to talk to her just alittle about taking baby steps and I will let her know that I am always here if she needs to talk and that I wont jump to trying to fix everything as I ussually do. now should I try to stay away from the house while she is there or should I wait till she askes me to leave?

[IfiKnewThen]

i would wait to she asks because if you go slow and are kind she might not ask you to leave neccessarily. maybe better to go in that direction

[IfiKnewThen]

***forgive me i must have missed a few things in this thread..*****

 

so sleepy here. yikes. eyes swollen too.

 

quote: I mean she has asked me not to and I believe if I forced it she would go stay with her parents and take the kids and serve me with the D papers before I left to come back to work. So I guess not allowed in this case means asked not too. and just a question how does good morning I Love you make things worse I don't honestly understand but I will stop doing so.

 

 

ok i take that back..... dont force it. just ask her her time and schedule. respect it too.

 

tell her you you dont want to inconvenience her and she can stay while youre there and you'll be ok (but you have to mean it) and if she wants to still have you there at a different time with the kids without her then go with the flow.

 

and i agree with the person who said dont text love you etc. you seems to already know you feel like that by words. just show her as best as you can from your disadvantage point.

 

smile be pleasant ..tell her you want to give her peace of mind. unfortunately she has the advantage b/c she doesnt feel the same way for you as you do for her anymore. sounds like a build up for her. but if your patient and kind you have a better shot. even if theres someone else in the picture..you would have a better shot at being kind ...thats the truth most of the time.

[sirweasles]

well I plan to be extremly kind lol and I want to make her as comfortable as possible I really dont want her to feel like im being pushy or overbaering I want her to want me to be there. How do I go about not guilt tripping her it seems that the littelest things i say come out as me attacking and guilt tripping.

[IfiKnewThen]

omg she sounds like someone i know.

 

maybe just say look, i am working on myself and in doing that i coming around to seeing your side of things. i know i can say things that seem pushy, aggressive or offensive to you. i dont want to do that. i am tired of making you unhappy and upset. i want to make you happy as i can and comfortable. i would love it if we can all hang out together you me and the kids. lets try to have a nice day..or i think i can make it a good hour : )

 

what can we do here? would really love for you to join me with the kids at the house. if she has somewhere to go or something to do. you cant control it. just say ok. maybe next time. good to see you or nice to talk to you..thanks for listening...

 

this way you sound like your just co-operating..which you are.

[robf1971]

I mean she has asked me not to and I believe if I forced it she would go stay with her parents and take the kids and serve me with the D papers before I left to come back to work. So I guess not allowed in this case means asked not too. and just a question how does good morning I Love you make things worse I don't honestly understand but I will stop doing so.

 

 

Ok I head home in a few days and really really need some advice on how to act and what I should not do. She has tried to schedule the whole time im there so that she only minimally has to see me but so that I get to see my girls alot. should I ask her for a dinner date or should I only accept to do things she asks me to do. Also would getting her flowers be wrong?

 

OK, listen to me, it is totally the wrong thing to do to pursue her, ask her for dinner send flowers etc, IT IS PRESSURING HER and pushing her away from you. You are also mindreading her, how do you know that she would take the kids away?. You need to get your ducks in a row and consult a lawyer find out what your rights are.

 

It sounds like she is walking all over you telling you to stay away, no woman respects that. When you go back you do not break down in front of her, start pleading, crying, you are polite and upbeat. (Yes it will be the act of your life). You play with your kids, happily, do not initiate any relationship talks with your wife.

 

There's tonnes more but I'll check in later

[sirweasles]

I ment she would not leave the kids at the appartment with me she would never take them away from me.

 

I will do my best to be upbeat and pretend to be happy at least I will get to see my girls so that will be happy.

[sirweasles]

my wife is trying to plan everything so that she doesnt have to spend much if any time around me while im there. how do I get her to want to see me again?

[IfiKnewThen]

quick overnight her a small sweet christmas present and card. that says peace and joy for the holiday. and let her know you dont expect anything . you just wanted to be able to give from your heart and end the old year and start the new year in peace.

 

personally i would respond to that. not the gift..the friendly note. she sounds like she doesnt want to be involved with you now so you have to come across as "friendly" emphasis on friend.

 

maybe she will soften up a bit and allow for more time too once she does see you and trusts that its ok.

 

 

its so sooooooooooooo horrible how these ex's get so darn cold and insensitive. its just not necessary. they are happier than us and act miserable

 

i dont know if you believe in God..but seriously try praying on it. ask God for wisdom, patience and guidance and for her heart to soften

[sirweasles]

well i talked to her for awhile and I get the impression that she isnt missing me at all but that if i get everything under control we might work things out. in the future

[IfiKnewThen]

i really hope you do. you sound like such a nice person. dont get discouraged with that. that sounds like a GOOD first step however small.

 

you spoke

 

make every single experience she has with you whether in person or on the phone pleasant nice. easy going. and begin to make "love bonds". just GOOD positive experiences. maybe even try to make her laugh. i am NOT kidding when i say this.

 

the idea is to chip away at the ice there and melt it till she misses you.

 

tell her if she EVER needs you for anything she has your ear., as a listener.

 

believe me us woman do LOVE that.

 

if there is another guy...you can win out over him. i know this is all work. but love IS WORK. and you want to make it work. and all you can do is YOUR best. and if in the end she doesnt come around...you will always know you did your best and can live with that. and trust me its sooooooooo sooooooooooo much easier to miss a good guy than a bad guy. believe me i know first hand. i MISS the heck out of my great guy and i told him it was all my fault because it was. he was awesome!

 

really try these methods.

 

in most situations i am learning. love is always the answer. there are no guarantees. but its a better path. i mean you dont have to be abused. you can ignore her...NO bad words. JUST ignore her IF she becomes abusive to your good nature. BUT dont change your nature. be real..go slow. one step at a time and dont be too disappointed when it doesnt have a quick fix like "just add water". and if you can be strong and do THAT. you will have a better shot at it. i fully and completely believe that

[Distant78]

I agree with everyone. Stop being so needy and stay at home. If she wants to leave you, man up and tell her to get out and keep seeing that dude she's messing with. You don't have to leave your own home because her selfish azz says so. I read so many of these stories about the wife who all of a sudden wants to leave. She's seeing someone else man. Being needy will only make things worse. Show her you don't need her and continue taking care of the kids. I would also suggest getting some cameras and audio recording systems to make sure your wife doesn't try to screw you over to get full-custody of those kids. Get your ducks in a row with your divorce attorney and get with the program because sitting there and crying isn't going to solve it. I know you're hurt but you gotta protect yourself and those kids. They're going to need you to be strong and brave man. Take care and good luck.

[sirweasles]

I am 700 miles away working she didnt have to kick me out or leave all she had to do was tell me not to come back home she is the main care giver of my children im mostly finacial support she is a great mother and would never hurt my children the custady will always be 50/50. the hope is that it doesnt come to that. im not tryin to string my wife up im tryin to get advice on how to bring her back. if it doesnt work out I will be devistated but im sure ill find away to move on i will always have my kids.

[robf1971]

I am 700 miles away working she didnt have to kick me out or leave all she had to do was tell me not to come back home she is the main care giver of my children im mostly finacial support she is a great mother and would never hurt my children the custady will always be 50/50. the hope is that it doesnt come to that. im not tryin to string my wife up im tryin to get advice on how to bring her back. if it doesnt work out I will be devistated but im sure ill find away to move on i will always have my kids.

 

That may well be the case, but you should consult a lwayer to find out what your rights are. Ohh and we're not talking about trying to string your wife up, more a case of protecting yourself.

[sirweasles]

Ive been able to spend some time with her we hung out and talked all night christmas eve we were disrupted by the kids getting up for presants. I think she still loves me and is probably going through the same thing as me she just has people around to help her and i dont. right now i think she is affraid that if she spends much time around me she will loose her resolve so im really hoping that if i can get straightend out things will fall back into place.